Farted Poems | Examples

Afternoon Tea with a Friend Who Mistook Me for a Vanity Mirror

I do desire we may be better strangers.
— As You Like It, Act 3 Scene 2, Line 254; Orlando to Jacques

She called it venting; 
I called it theater. 
On a loop, it was non-stop tragedy 
with no intermission. 

When I spoke of my dreams, 
she'd flinch, as if I had farted 
during her soliloquy. 

So, I paid the bill. 
She kept the punchline. 
Now we’re strangers again—
better cast this time.

A true Christmas moment

There is a moment every single year
Such a joyful one without a tear
The tree is up, the food purchased
Delivered present, friends embraced
With time taken out for those in need
Those family visits all now agreed
The moment comes without TV 
It happens when nobody else can see
It's silent and peaceful open hearted
You've eaten sprouts, then you farted!

Christmas Cheer

Rudolph's eyes were as huge as his belly
he couldn't step away from the deli
the rumbling started
soon after he farted
now his friends call him smelly Nelly

at heaven's gate

Don’t have to walk the dog
Or let the cat out
Don’t matter
If the seats left up or down
I always know 
Who farted
Still ask
Why are “we”
Watching this
Still check the mail
Mr. Edison
Writes monthly
The Maitre d’ shouts
“table for one”
OK…OK…
It’s the local deli
And a guy
Wearing baggy
Rubber gloves shouts
“NEXT”
I picture him
At heaven’s gate
Shouting…..

Porker The Stalker

I have a porker as a stalker; it keeps following me down the street
I cannot talk to my friends, as it keeps oinking when I try to speak

Doesn’t it have an owner it can go home to, and as leave me alone
Once; I tried to lock it out, but, all it did on me is squeal and moan

And, its weird habit of wearing a tutu and doing its pot belly dance
If it had been potty trained, life would have been sweet, no chance

I had enough of her nicking my bed once she farted I disowned her
I stuck posters up with a photo to see if I could find her true owner

3 months later, and still no reply I started to think along other lines
So I put her on the cover of magazines dressing her up to the nines

It wasn’t long before Porker the stalker, had become a renown star
Now; Porker the stalker owns her own limo, with its own liquor bar

Are you still sticking with it here as the tale gets even more bizarre
She met a prize pig up Ohio who played guitar and was a superstar

It wasn’t long before they got wedded, and had piglets by the score
Where; at long last, Porker the stalker, was not my stalker anymore

The rebellious cheeses

I had only just heard that UK cheese was revolting.? Not mildewed or slimy which could be
Insulting? No.! even the cheeses have it seems had enough of that quyeer kahmer
Nonsense and stuff.' It seems they're egged on by mother goose? Probably a code name
If what I hear is truth? The thing all got started because of some cows Daisy and Ermentrude
Were insulted and how..? This angers all cheeses! the Leicesters are mad red.' And some real Tough chedder is about to shed, its cool staid image before all is said.' As sure as
Grass makes hay.' And cows our milk, we need un-tarnished cheeses not some man made
Filth.' Yes cows have farted.. And will again' and humans grew strong and repulsed some pains the
Products great' its allways been green.) Like the farmers fields a beautiful scene..Yet over to
The cheeses.' Who are on the roll.' They want to escape from (old kahmer's) intended gaol
I think this cheesy battle could come true.? Here's trusting to human acumen though it's another way to get
Through.'

Justice Is Served

That guy with a head like an orange melon
is once and for all a convicted felon.
The verdict, beyond a shadow of a doubt,
was guilty on not one but thirty-four counts.

Judging from that chump's expression,
he might go into a deep depression.
We certainly won't hear any confession.
He'll claim that he's a victim of oppression.

For him, it's all about deniability.
Never has he taken responsibility.
His lawyers, we know, were clearly outsmarted,
while he just sat and dozed and farted.

And as America and the world clearly saw,
in a democracy NO ONE IS ABOVE THE LAW.

Leaning Against a Cow

She is sitting,
front legs under her reddish-brown mass.
When I think of her shape
it is always her belly I see most.
The bulging warmth,
the mastication, her on-going digestion.

I'm a boy,
the large cow is my meaty lean-to.
One hot summer afternoon can last for years,
on one such a year
I was resting my back
on her bovine flank's, she did not seem to care.
I really think she wanted to feel me listening
to her giant belly.

A drowsy time took its rest also.
Bees buzzed, but far away.
High flying gees made the sky speak.

Listening to her massive body, I think
I melded into her life. Her ongoing
industrial mashing
of moist clods of vegetable materiel.
The rhythmic digestive process
seemed to me to be almost musical.

When she farted, it was as though
she had turned roughage to water,
and water into wine.

I could smell the spirit of the grass,
and strangely,
I could within my own small form,
feel the mutable mystery of the land
as it churned grain into bread,
our meat to spirit.

Clotheslines

The old timers complain nowadays, 
about how modern technology.
Is stealing away all their secrets and,
selling everyone's privacy.

Information is left up for grabs,
exposed for all of the world to see.
By touching a finger to a glass,
while they are hiding behind the scenes.

As my mother would always tell us, 
“You do not air your dirty laundry.
But back in the day, if I farted,
she would know about it before me.

But I never could quite understand,
how anything could possibly be.
Less private than hanging my holey,
underwear outside for all to see.

If you're thinking that your 5G phone,
might be the fastest thing in the land.
Then you have never met my mother,
with a rotary phone in her hand.

The Tire Tree

I had to tell all of my friends
We ran over to look, and we were in awe
Someone had beat me in making a tire tree
It had been my dream
Now here it was, all done up,
Someone else had the same dream
The difference is, they probably did not live at home
where my parents nixed the idea of me bringing home a bunch of tires
they thwarted my artistic efforts
you could make a cotton ball tree, my friend suggested
Has she met my mother?
Our house looks like Best Homes and Garden magazine
Like no one has ever coughed or farted in it.
My mother never let me have paints.

Ted

Ted sure needs to use the porter loo
Ted really does need to do a poo
He banged on the door
Could not wait any more
Ted farted so hard the porta loo flew

Fizzling Fizgig

There once was a young man named Rig
his rectum two sizes too big
	whenever he farted
	his two cheeks they parted
expelling a fireworks fizgig

The fizgig it fizzled and hissed
as it came through out of the mist
	we spluttered and we gagged
	as on the fizgig dragged
and now we were thoroughly pissed

Rig laughed and muttered, “I’m sorry.
Passed as I stepped from the lorry.
	The step was too high,”
	he said with a sigh,
“of getting back in, I’m charry!”

Stinky Situation

The lead singer in a rocking roll group 
Wanted sex with the sexy- "Betty Boop"
He took a piece of her red dress 
So that he could clean up his mess 
When he farted, and then sharted some poop 

Betty Boop- was now naked and undressed  
I don't know why but the singer confessed 
But the poop hit the walls 
When she saw his small balls 
Making love to him, she couldn't digest

A Roof Raising Poop

The musical was near ready to start
When someone let off a rip roaring fart
The smell was horrific 
All had a sniff of it
‘Twas a bummer of an ass drummer’s fine art.

The show opened with a trumpet fanfare 
As the audience were gasping for air
The one that had farted 
Had finished what started
Loose poop ran everywhere from the goofs chair.

It was certainly a roof raising poop
Putrid poop much too watery to scoop
A runny stream of yuck
Those sent to mop upchuck
So uncouth for the enterprising troop.

The show stopped when cleaners needed a drink
They had to quit work because of the stink
Pooper was shown the door
But he farted once more
And the audience had tears on the blink.

So then the music commenced and played on
But the spell was broken, magic was gone
One by one people left
With hearts sadly bereft
Gone with gust of a flatulent gas bomb.

Foul Undercurrent - Poopy Poem Warning

An Olympic swimmer named Pete
Is disqualified – when caught as a cheat
He propelled through the water
Much faster than he aughta
It’s down to the food he would eat

Before each race he eats sprout curry
Then enters the pool in a hurry
He farts during each length
Stench increases in strength
So other swimmers have to scurry

Pete farted but then ‘follows through’
The swimming pool turned green with pooh
Bubbles of foul gas
Still stream from his ass
Caught cheating the air turns quite blue

Much to cheater Peter’s chagrin
His speedo’s can’t hold the poop in
Pete’s now banned from all pools
For breaking all the rules
Thus proving cheaters cannot win

06/18/23

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