Best Farted Poems
The dwelling place is in lofty mountain peak,
hidden from protruding human eyes that seek.
A lonely figure the Yowie cuts,
All contact from the outside world he shuts.
I saw him once, this hairy fellow,
a face so sad and eyes of yellow.
He stood on a ledge in sunshine's glare,
I dare not move, I could only stare.
His seven foot frame, large outstretched arms,
My fear set in I recited the psalms.
The agile beast toward me started,
My belly boiled and then..... I farted.
He got so near my eyes did close,
I peaked and saw that he covered his nose.
The fart I did, boy did it stink.
It caused the yowie's eyes to blink.
For just a moment I thought I had him cold,
but he recovered quickly and became quite bold.
With a sweeping motion he did pick me up.
and around his frame put my face at his butt.
I was upside down and in an awkward spot,
then he let one rip, gave it all he got.
On the richter scale, I'd rate it at ten,
It was the fart of about a thousand men.
So if you're out in the mountains for a quiet stroll,
beware of Yowie, big foot or some other troll.
If they encounter you, turn and their butt cheeks part,
they will surely unleash the most abominable fart.
Categories:
farted, adventure, animal, humorous,
Form:
Rhyme
I'm Rudolph stuck in traffic, and on this of all the nights,
and up to now my nose has matched each set of traffic lights,
the fat guy in the back keeps bridling at our progress slow,
why I get saddled with him each year, I harnessly don't know.
When other Reindeer used to help, back then boy, we could fly
but they've been made redundant since their running costs were high.
Dasher's now a quarterback for Minnesota Vikings,
and Dancer's in a chorus line, it's much more to her liking.
Prancer's found a new life with the Spanish riding school
and Vixen works the shopping Malls, which I think is pretty cool.
Cupid isn't stupid he went for early retirement
and Comet just lives off the land, Lichen his sole requirement.
Donner runs a kebab shop, he's doing pretty well
and Blitzen helped but left because he couldn't stand the smell.
So here I am, life can be cruel, it never reins it pours,
stuck in a line of SUVs instead of home indoors,
and Santa's whining at the fact I cannot be cold started,
and that is why I warmed him up, I clenched my cheeks and farted.
(All spelling intentional)
For contest 'Christmas Rhymes', sponsor Kim Rodrigues
November 27th 2017
Categories:
farted, christmas, humor,
Form:
Rhyme
Ted was a professional farter
and at his windy recitals he’d boast
that could even toot Moonlight Sonata
If his wife fed him baked beans on toast!
There was an annual farting competition
Held in downtown Chicago, (the ‘Windy City’)
Ted had pre-loaded his guts for the mission
To lose his title would be such a pity
Ted knew that the competition was stiff
His groaning guts how they gurgled away
He farted an exceptional guitar riff
hoping he’d be winning the trophy that day
Ted raised his left leg and let rip
But disaster was about to strike
His todger got caught in his zip
The searing agony Ted did dislike
Limping off the stage in great pain
Bitter tears fell from his blue eyes
He re-adjusted his trousers again
Could he retain that coveted prize?
Now Ted returned to his farting position
With the microphone close to his tush
And with determination and good nutrition
He farted all of ‘Mystic Rhythms’ by Rush
The audience gave Ted a standing ovation
(Lucky for them they weren’t too near the stage)
And much to Ted’s delight and jubilation
The judges thought his farting was all the rage
Ted was eventually declared the winner
And he returned home to his lovely wife
She’d prepared chicken curry for his dinner
To safeguard his job for the rest of his life!
06-30-17
Categories:
farted, body, humorous, jobs, wind,
Form:
Rhyme
Swim
Eat.....poop
Poop.....float
Float some more
Sigh....stare
Bubbles.....stare
Smile.....I farted
Float
Categories:
farted, fish, funny,
Form:
An old codger who farted a lot -
of good etiquette didn’t know squat.
When I met him, his nose
started running. He chose
his new shirt to wipe off all the snot!
Well, a nitpicker also was he,
and I mean it quite literally.
He was picking his zits
as he also picked nits
from hair, lice-infested and filthy.
With no 'shilly-shallying', I
backed away from that creepy old guy,
and I nearly threw up
being offered a cup
of his coffee. On top was a fly!
*Gnalsmoob, my poem's title, is a word new to me.
(from Urban Dictionary): A gnalsmoob is anything, particularly
a person or creature, that is completely and totally disgusting,
repulsive or revolting. Also, Gnalsmoob is boomslang, a type of
venomous snake, spelled backwards, perhaps because a gnalsmoob
is so ugly its appearance stings your eyes like venom.
Categories:
farted, funny, old, old,
Form:
Limerick
I still haven't found my Miss Right;
the girl with the cat was a fright:
she farted all day
and stank of decay,
then played with her pussy all night...
for the Baggage contest
Categories:
farted, girlfriend,
Form:
Limerick
An old gal applied to join Mensa
Gee she couldn’t be any denser
She went in the wrong door
On the thirty third floor
And there she enrolled as a fencer
When attending her first fencing class
A man scored a hit on her huge ass
She screamed out so loud
It drew quite a crowd
She cannot abide failure – its crass!
WRITTEN BY JAN ALLISON
She hollered and screamed for a medic
I swear it was worse than a dead duck
one without any wings
oh the horror she sings
she's much more than dense she's pathetic
WRITTEN BY TIM SMITH
She swore that she really could spell
And in math she did surely excel
But once she felt pain
All she did was complain
And whined as her sore butt did swell.
WRITTEN BY CHRIS GREEN
That old gal then became a method actor
but one thing soon became a huge factor
she forgot all her lines
her mentality declines
now she sputters like a John Deere tractor
WRITTEN BY LIN LANE
Her butt was so sore she bought leeches
Gently placing them in her breeches
To suck out the bruise
We could hear her oooh's
I felt sorry for the poor creatures
Her butt was so big like a whale
all that was missing was it's tail
so they stuck a flag up her ****
called it the new Khyber pass
she went a whiter shade of pale.
WRITTEN BY SEREN ROBERTS
"Am I smart?" is what she kept asking
In glory she hoped to be basking.
Suddenly she farted.
The whole room departed.
Now finding fresh air is their tasking.
WRITTEN BY DALE GREGORY COZART
She sat for the test with all smiles
Filled out the forms and the files
But she spelled her name wrong
Became twisted of tongue
And was thrown to the crocodiles.
WRITTEN BY RICHARD D SEAL
07-17-17
Seems the old gal was a talented tart
Clearing the room with but one single fart
Wiping their eyes
All those wise guys
Soundly applauded her flatulent art
WRITTEN BY LIM'RIK FLATS
07-18-17
Categories:
farted, humorous, irony,
Form:
Limerick
I love to fart, it stands me tall,
the raucous rumbling, belly bell,
all look around with eyes aghast,
to witness such a mighty blast.
when before the beak for slander foul,
I gave him one that made him scowl,
“does Sir require a time alone?”
I farted down his crony’s phone.
and if I’m lauded, like Le Potomane,
I light one to produce a tongue of blue
incandescent flame; thus lit, the room
and shadows prance, about the room
the dragons dance
and when in battle we cower from gun,
and want to encourage my comrades on,
I crouch below hell’s muddy trench, and
thus release the devil’s stench
then running forward death all around, I
fart the bugle’s curdling sound, and to
the enemy’s quick dumbfound, so
soon we seize triumphant ground
you see for me it is no shame, to unleash
the belly’s dogs of war, and oft when
travelling by first class, I give them a blast
from boiling ass
when love speaks strong and passion cries,
beneath the sheets there are no lies, so ahhs!!
or Oohs!! I never start, but let rip a lover’s
orgasmic fart
look: tis not the wallet, watch or jewel, that
creates the jinx, and mocks the fool, a prettier
penny lies beneath;
tis the fart; and jealous mule, the thief.
Categories:
farted, humor,
Form:
Verse
Who cut the curd cyanide cheese,
thinning out the rank suspect crowd?
Who gassed death in the air bleed,
releasing an odor murder most foul?
Follow the phew olfactory clues,
motive scented everywhere ghoul smell
Mrs. White was it your grey hairs ...
leaving a poison bottom bottle mist trail
spiraling down the Library stairs?
Professor Plum where did you
just Hallway fruity fungi come from?
The Observatory Room window was open,
but now it’s mysteriously been closed
Did you concoct this suffocating wrench plan,
and what’s with the cotton-stuffed nose?
Everybody here got the crimson royal flushed face,
that could only mean one candlestick thing —
Miss Scarlet’s been butt creeping around the place,
no doubt, looking for the hidden bling-bling
Still, who got the super bad mojo Bathroom bowels,
so flatulently criminal ... making eyes roll?
Who put Mr. Green’s intestinal aerosol-laced towels
in the Kitchen behind the snuff dish bowl?
What do those Clues tell you, Lady A.C. detective,
it’s a foul play odor-kill so Murder She Wrote
A farted-out farce, very nasal encore hard to sniff —
the last big reveal is an Insp. Clouseau note:
Colonel Mustard did it
with a gastronomical strangling choke
In the Guest Room
with a belly-loosened, vapor belt rope
Categories:
farted, fun, humorous, mystery, word
Form:
Light Verse
When Father Ted farted in church
The Bishop (who looked just like lurch)
Said ‘say six hail Mary’s
then keep off the dairies’
I know cos I’ve done my research!
Just before you stand in the pulpit
Do digest a small charcoal biscuit
Then clench your butt cheeks
So no foul wind leaks
Be mindful in church where you sit!
If there’s flatulence neath your attire
Just ensure you’re stood next to the choir
As it really annoys
All the little choir boys
To giggle is all they desire!
08/30/21
Categories:
farted, humorous, wind,
Form:
Limerick
I have a porker as a stalker; it keeps following me down the street
I cannot talk to my friends, as it keeps oinking when I try to speak
Doesn’t it have an owner it can go home to, and as leave me alone
Once; I tried to lock it out, but, all it did on me is squeal and moan
And, its weird habit of wearing a tutu and doing its pot belly dance
If it had been potty trained, life would have been sweet, no chance
I had enough of her nicking my bed once she farted I disowned her
I stuck posters up with a photo to see if I could find her true owner
3 months later, and still no reply I started to think along other lines
So I put her on the cover of magazines dressing her up to the nines
It wasn’t long before Porker the stalker, had become a renown star
Now; Porker the stalker owns her own limo, with its own liquor bar
Are you still sticking with it here as the tale gets even more bizarre
She met a prize pig up Ohio who played guitar and was a superstar
It wasn’t long before they got wedded, and had piglets by the score
Where; at long last, Porker the stalker, was not my stalker anymore
Categories:
farted, animal, appreciation, humorous,
Form:
Rhyme
There was a man named Fred
Who liked eating baked beans in bed
One day when he farted
He and his wife parted
'Well it's quicker than divorce' Said Fred.
Categories:
farted, food, funny,
Form:
Limerick
There once was a farmer called Seamus,
who had an incompetant anus.
When out on a date with girlfriend Kate,
he blamed his dog when he farted,
to prevent her being startled.
Categories:
farted, dog, girlfriend, humorous,
Form:
Limerick
Please be quiet! Our class teacher said
Pupils giggled, my face flushed bright red
I was so broken hearted
I’d just let rip and farted
That I ran out the classroom and fled
The teacher followed me down the hall
Said please don’t be embarrassed at all …
At home that happens to me
I blame my pet dog you see
Great idea miss… I’ll give dad a call
I rang him saying dad can we talk
Told him my story – he soon did baulk
Think of the costly vets fees
It’ll be covered with fleas
His solution …. I’ll buy you a cork!
Time to B Contest – Sponsor Casarah Nance
~07~24~15
Categories:
farted, humorous, school,
Form:
Limerick
Nervy quiz night fun,
I've farted so I'll finish,
Stop at nearby Gents.
Categories:
farted, funny
Form:
Haiku