I'm sorry it had to end this way
It just wasn't working
Slowly deteriorating on the bathroom floor
My fear in the shadows are lurking
Crying myself to sleep
Covering my mouth to not make a peep
I'm sorry I'm a disappointment
My anger I cannot control
That's when I realized I'll never amount to anything
My compassion he stole
Dying inside
All alone
But I can't tell a soul
My emotions I don't understand
Always reaching for success
My mind is a foreign land
Yet nobody noticed I was depressed
My poems say it all
My struggles
It feels like I've been muzzled
This is where I fall
And where I might end it all
When I least expect it,
BOOM, a trigger,
and then come the dark thoughts
I try my best to be positive
and focus on the good things in life
but sometimes life gets so hard
I need to reach out for help
I did and I am glad!
But I can see how you could
let the dark thoughts envelop you
until that's all you can see or feel
I am doing my best not to let that happen
and I am getting the help I need
but life is hard for me right now
So, if you know someone struggling
be the hand of kindness and mercy
You really never know what someone
is truly going through by the outside
I’ve come to the end
I’ve come to the end
I’m sorry to say,
I’m not strong enough
To fight through every day.
You may think me selfish
That I don’t give a damn,
I tried really hard
To be not who I am.
The pain- too intense
A plan was made,
To relieve myself
And stop this facade.
I’m sorry my will
Was not strong enough,
The tears I held back
Caused this mental flood.
The pain too intense now
I can no longer cope,
The thoughts of my family
No longer give me hope.
I’m sorry to do this
And cause you this pain
I’m most sorry to my son,
Who I won’t see again.
I had no one left
No one reached out to me,
I was too scared to ask
And too scared what they would see
If you know someone is suffering
Reach out and show you care,
Because there may be a time
They are no longer there.
I’ve got this demon
Living in my head,
It makes me have horrid thoughts
Mainly wishing I was dead.
I hear these voices
Deep in my mind and soul,
I try to stop them
But fear I’m losing all control
I’ve tried to block it out
It’s taken up residence,
Full of fear
Losing self confidence.
It’s screaming louder
My thoughts , no longer mine,
I tried my best to shut it down
I just ran out of time.
I’ve got this demon
Living in my head,
It’s makes me have these horrid thoughts
Mainly wishing I was dead.
I hear these voices
Deep in my mind and soul,
I tried to stop them
But now I’ve lost control….
it's pretty dark here
the lights are burned out
is there a murderer under my car?
Chelsea’s fantasy was to get raped
Buddy only felt sane when he was at war
Joe knew at some point he would get caught
Mary was whiter than the driven snow
Chelsea’s fantasy was getting stronger
Buddy just hated civilian life
Joe was stalking his next victim
Mary was in chapel confessing dark thoughts
Chelsea had made up her mind
Buddy walked the streets, anger building up inside him
Joe lay in the shadows
Mary couldn’t understand her dark thoughts, being so devout
Chelsea knew the time had come
Joe made his move
Buddy saw what was happening
Mary prayed on the cross
Chelsea felt the grip release
Joe pulled out a knife
Buddy disarmed him, knocking him down
Mary spoke to God begging forgiveness
Chelsea pulled out a gun and shot Buddy
Joe began to rise
Buddy slowly bled to death
Mary sat in the confessional box, confessing to murdering two men.
When your sat there in the dark,
As scared as scared could be.
Is the devil out there?
Just waiting there for thee.
Or will these thoughts, you have at night
"Disappear" with a flick of a light.
This you ought to know,
He's out there waiting for everyone,
And he will never go.
He's waiting for you to break,
To give in to all his deeds,
If you ever break them,
He has all he needs.
So if your scared of the dark,
Don't sit there all alone.
Turn on the light,
Smile into the night,
And send the devil home.
10/22/2020
DARK THOUGHTS OF TREES
The trees that circumscribe the cricket field
[Stumps drawn ‘til equinox returns the sun]
Neath grey October sky a mood revealed
Their pensive mien betrays dark thought as one:-
“Our limbs close link in woodland brother form
These limbs once built your homes and ships of fame
And fine oak caskets whereby you’ll be borne
When you no more wield willow in your game”
“And when the field’s no longer mowed and even
When you have lost the power to play, and deign
To pass the carefree summer hour believing
That it shall be forever your domain”
“We’ll spread our seed, in time see restoration
Of ancient forest wild, a sylvan nation”
If there were no poetry or words as art
Who would hear the music in my heart
Would my muse fight to find its way
Or in atrophy die and simply wash away
Published in my 24-page photo/anthology ~SUNSETTING WHISPERS~ 2020
AP: Honorable Mention 2022
Submitted on January 22, 2020 for contest IF THERE WAS NO POETRY sponsored by SILENT ONE - RANKED 3RD
I spiral down a slippery slope
Entwined as I descend
I’m drowning in a kaleidoscope
As My mind begins to blend
Swallowed as Im consumed
As I sync into the abyss
Left as hollow as a vacuum
Neither extinct yet nor exist
Falling down this internal funnel
All life is drained from inside
Like crawling down an eternal tunnel
But no sight remains to guide
Condemned, I see a rope
I hold it tight but it’s just another chain
I see an end, is it hope
I see a light, it’s not, it’s a train
Murder on your mind
Suicide in your thoughts
Heart all torn, body all worn
Heavens knows you want to go
But Jesus wont let you go
Restless nights, constant fights
Your soul just doesn't feel right
No longer does it have the will to pretend or fight
It feels like you have lost all sight
Discouraged and burden to afraid
To stand up and fight
Life is no longer a delight
You cannot see the light
You rather choose to hide and evacuate
But wait Jesus state's if you chose this gate it maybe too late
For you to escape this awful fate so wait
Maybe you should stop, think and debate
After all you don't want to be carried through
That eternal gate where you can't breathe or escape
Maybe you should re-evaluate your current state
Learn to be strong, hope and wait not take your life
Regret or be sorry that you didn't choose to stop and debate
I think you should re-evaluate
After all what have you to loose
Its only right you live and choose.
Stab me in the heart you viper
Lay me down to sleep
Struggling with the man i am
Send me down to the deep
Who am I or what am I
Whom have I become
Who should know
No friend or foe
Cheap words slide off my tongue
A lier lies
No shock surprise
Your blind if you can't see
The truth withstands
Of all life's plans
The worse part of myself is me
Wobbly knees wheeze and tease
Dark thoughts fumbling, tumbling and rumbling in the mind
Which can no longer squeeze proportion peas
From thought processes, procedures and systems gone blind
In the wake of the disaster
Determined to scupper efforts
I summon to master faster
Techniques and strategies to rescue ports and forts
In which hides the succor
With the potential to dismiss the blues
Whose rancor
Fed up with queues and incomplete clues
Threaten to overwhelm vestiges of peace and calm
My world once knew
As avalanches of harm
Primed to strike anew
Sweeping, wiping off from my soul
Traces of confidence
Whose sole goal stole
From my predicament the credence cadence
That slowly began to pave the way for hope
To return
My state of affairs to normalcy to prop
Up the urn
In which ashes of despair
Began to evaporate
To initiate by gradation the repair
Process and flair in which dark thoughts could neither elaborate harm nor collaborate.
Under the cover of deep darkness
Hidden in some obscure corner
Cowering beneath layers of blankets,
My head wrapped in scarves
buried under a pile of pillows…
No matter what,
Oh, upon my poor soul,
I just couldn’t hide from my thoughts.
~A Brian Strand contest.
Yes madness is my escape, in my deepest darkest thoughts, all the hate inside my soul, all the hate that I have got, in the lunatic asylum in straight jacket getting shots, leave my happiness behind, and I leave it there to rot. All the anger that I hide, all the secrets that I keep, you are nothing in my life, you are nothing but a bleep, lock me up and toss the key, I do not care if you weep, in the hole of violence, and I’m falling in too deep. Being free of all this pain, that has always been my goal, I am burning inside hell, feel the heat beneath my soles, violence controls my thoughts, brain is covering in mold, never be myself again, I am losing all control. All this anger rage and hate, all these feelings that I hide, life is going down the drain, I do not care if you cry, have to keep it bottled up, you should know how hard I try, in my deepest darkest thoughts, you do not know what’s inside.
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