Dark Humor Poems - Poems about Dark Humor

Peace of Mind

With family, friends, and in-laws left behind
millions of dead are finally enjoying peace of mind.

Zeitgeist

Before the marriage knot we tied
she swore to her virginity;
between our vows and intimacy
she either lost it or she lied.

An Open Book

Her pregnancy was like an open book
quite readable with just a cursory look.
She wore a gown that trailed in white
and grinned a guiltless smile as bright.
And why not, white was only a tradition,
her virginity a sold out first edition. 

Thank You For Calling

Thank you for calling Your Destruction.

If you’re calling to bring forth your personal hell, press 1.

If you’re calling for emotional devastation, press 2.

If you’re calling to enact physical harm, press 3.

…Thank you. Your Destruction is now offering a summer sale.

If you are interested, please fill out the survey on Your Destruction website.

…Please hold…please hold…please hold…please

Coffee Power

My morning coffee is a stimulant,
it motivates my regularity in an instant.
And some mornings if my feet I dare to drag
my underwear substitutes for a doggie bag.

The Vanity of Youth

The vanity of youth is at it’s height 
when its weight is carried light.
It’s an accidental manifestation
of another’s envious estimation.
It’s lasting value, less than a mirage,
disappears with bitterness into old age.
To those who took the lie for truth
when told in their vanity of youth
must now in beauty’s absence live
a lie impossible to forget or forgive.

Philberts Dilemma

Philbert’s in a state euphoric, and why not?
After years of burning academic oil, a PhD he’s got!

But a PhD these days – as he is finding out –
guarantees no job security, and even lesser clout.

Resumé after resumé, interview after interview, 
Philbert sits and waits for his dream job to come through.

Student loans with rising interest

A New Gospel

Drugstore parking lots these days are far 
more crowded than houses of religion!
And with more people suffering legions
of physical and mental problems, are
we justified to ask the question with a chill:
has the modern pill become the new gospill?

Millicent

Nature was selfishly deficient
in denying beauty to Millicent.
Men rarely offered her a glance,
unless by accident or chance.
And though she lost out as a wife
she made up for it with a lavish life,
accruing things she loved and more,
things women beg their husbands for,
and lived with an untroubled mind 
(unlike other women of her kind).
And when they

Success at Last

A lady at a coffee shop was sobbing.
Another lady, a Good Samaritan, 
said gently: May I be of help, madam?”
 “Not really,” she said, “it’s really nothing.
My husband...an accident...this morning,
fatal, and finally.” “Oh, I am so sorry,” 
said the lady offering her sympathy
hoping she might lessen the lady’s  grief.
“Oh please, don’t be. My tears

A Confession

To soften his adolescent growing pains
he was encouraged (can’t recall by whom)
to take up painting – to make a name 
for himself, they said. When that failed, 
and miserably, he took up drinking
which he likened not to a godsend, 
rather to a bodily need and calling. 
And so it was, for in little time 
he

Too Much of a Bad Thing

Like herbicides and pesticides
and other chemical deterrents advertized
to keep certain foods looking perfect
and free of any blemish or defect
will in time (like any other crime)
increase the grower’s wealth
but decrease the consumer’s health.
The result? World-wide suicides offering
the only sane alternative to suffering.

Emily Dickinsons Burial

It may seem a cruel tragedy
that Amherst’s greatest poet Emily 
Dickinson never got to marry
though she burned ardently to be.
And yet in Death (if you’ll allow)
she did eventually get laid –
not in a man’s bed but a pine box
and (if you’ll allow) this paradox
she still remains a chaste old maid.

Residue

Things are not making sense, and I am questioning if my reality is so because I thought it in to being. 
Am I the only one hearing the truth?
Am I the only one believing?
I think I am in need of a witness. 

Archons deceive souls using the illusion of separation. The mind is the sole

Life’s Too Grimm Already

All the fairytale violence 
Life’s too Grimm already
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