Best Weird... Poems
Pleasantly
Bull headed, bird brained, chicken and foxy
From a bramble of a family tree
A lover of Cohen, Midler and Dennis Lee
Who regularly feels awe, paralyzing angst, and humility
Fearing the end of birds singing, seasons changing and liberty
Hoping to see a Purple Martin, a Gyrfalcon, and fifty
Proudly from Vanier
Weird
01/31/19
For Writing Challenge 2, Bio Form, January 2019 Poetry Contest
Sponsored by Dear Heart
Weird Carolyn
The other cheerleaders didn’t like football
Basketball was much easier to follow
But I got bored watching them dribble the ball
My response was hard for others to swallow
Growing up I didn’t have too many toys
So I had to find my own entertainment
I became a master of animal noise
When I “croaked” on the bleachers strange looks were sent
My frog impersonations left them aghast
When I did my seagull, the team stopped playing
They stared at me oddly as though I’d passed gas
They couldn’t relate to talents displaying
This was the first thing that led to my nickname
But once in class I was asked to give a speech
The teacher was writing, so bold I became
Her attention I was trying to beseech
Being a contortionist since childhood days
Locked one leg and arm, looked like a flamingo
I perched on one foot for each eloquent phrase
The teacher looked up and called me a weirdo
The class agreed and “weird Carolyn” was born
Frequently called upon to put on a show
Much laughter I bestowed, accolades adorned
Never understood why I didn’t have a beau
*Entry for Francine’s “Tell us something we didn’t know” contest. Okay, the secret's
out and I'm ready for my punishment. At high school reunions I'm still called upon to
perform.
Hello, due to creative exhaustion I have invited three parallel versions of myself from different parallel universes to entertain you with poems tonight. Please enjoy…
Dave-2:
The leaf drops slowly in the rain,
Settles atop a fern’s broad frond,
But here alas it cannot stay,
A gust of the wind blows it on,
Into a stream that rolls along.
Dave-3:
Plunging to a fern,
The wind will not let it rest,
A wet home awaits.
Dave-4:
There once was a leave that fell down,
Could not make it safe to the ground,
Got stuck on a fern,
The wind, it did turn,
Then in a small creek it was drowned.
-Hey, that was kind of fun.
-Yeah, but I’m surprised Dave-1 talked us into this.
-Surprised? Why would you be surprised?
-We’re all poets here.
-I know, but, you know….a limerick?
-Yeah?
-Well come on, they’re like the greasy cheeseburger of the poetry world.
-Greasy cheese—oh, like haiku is better?
-They’re pretentious eastern crap, is what they are.
-Oh please, anybody can do meter and rhyme, but brevity—
-Is what failures claim when they can’t rhyme.
- all you want, I’m a better poet than me!
-Wait, you-me, me-me, or he-me?
-He-me?
-I don't know. 'Ye-me?'
-That’s not how you use ‘ye.’
-Shut up, I have an English degree!
-So de we-me! And you should’ve said ‘thee-me.’
-‘Thee-me?’
-Oui!
-Stop trying to distract with word games. I hate it when I do that!
-Fine! Fact remains, I’m a better poet than either of me.
-Please, with a Haiku like that you’re no better than a free-verser!
-Oh crap…
-What did you just call me?
-I called me a free-verser. What’s me gonna do about it?
-I’ll kill me, you son-of-a-b!tch!
(Sound of fighting)
Uhm, sorry folks, this was a mistake— (Sound of breaking glass)…and shouldn’t have been attempted. Good night.
so last night I was just sittin there, right?
and outta nowhere this huge, like,
demonic-millipede devil-thing
was right there on my computer desk, like wriggling towards me -
- ...well not nearly as bad as YOUR desk always was - oh my!
that thing was a pile of travesty!
- yeah yeah. anyway,
the thing about it was how random it was,
ya know, like, both of us were just doin’ our own thing,
then BAM!,
we were staring at each other.
- I just sat there really still.
I wanted a peaceful resolution to the whole thing-
- ...but yeah, I guess I knew that wasn't going to happen.
So at some point it just freaked out,
weaving around the dishes
and papers or whatever.
So I waited for a clear shot
and when it was near the side-edge, near the book-
- yep, your old bookcase,
which, I might add, you NEVER USED…
- so ok, I eyed it up, ya know,
built my courage, slipper in hand,
and when I attacked
it was a direct hit
and this thing just went nuts,
like spazzed out, twisting around on itself
and, get this, it actually JUMPED across the gap and went somewhere in there...
- I know! and I was NOT about to go poking around
for some vengeful godzilla bug!
melt me with laser eyes or something…
- …but, yeah, isn’t that just a horrible feeling? like,
is it still out there?
is it alive?
it's gonna come and get me when I'm sleeping or something, ugh.
- …but the thing is, ya know, devil bug or not,
I actually hope that it didn’t suffer.
- …Yeah, I mean, did it deserve it? No.
It was just this unfortunate situation that neither of us could control.
- ...you know what it reminded me of when it jumped?
remember those mathematical knots we were so into? - ...
…yes. Before you left.
TRANSFORMATION – a weird Choka
Our dear Uncle Claude
He loved us kids we loved him
He always brought us candy
Called him Santa Claude
Strange thing though this steady change
Now he’s called Aunt Claudia
............................................................
This is not a true story
Remember Trump's weird physical report
from his doctor.
A doctor have given Trump a physical;
Really awkward, weird and whimsical
Took his temperature using a popsicle.
James Thesarious Hilarious Horn
Retired Veteran and Poet
Dedicated to Akkina.
How about using a popsicle for a rectal
thermometer.
The Weird Guy
Aprils wet day has rained
Since sunrise
Mid-day
In a friendly café
The patter of skies falling water
Lost in the strangers chit chat
Un-listened to music
Bleats
But peaceful and calm
And glad we all are
Warm as we are
To sit and sup on beer
And coffees with brandy
Around me
So many unrecognizable faces
Banter back and forth
Saying “Hello” to friends
Spending their time careless
In the welcome arms of “Waldemar’s” café
I sit alone
Perched on a bar stool
Breathing the smoke
My short drink cooling
I am surrounded by an invisible wall
Even the space around me
Is larger than most
I am writing
And the odd man
With the note pad and pen
Is left alone to his curious expression
And far way stare
And as usual
I am thinking of her
Her face, her auburn hair
Times we spend together
Somewhere
I don’t know where
Embraces and kisses we share
Somewhere
In the quizzical spaces of reality
She speaks to me
And in these moments
I am not alone
No not alone
Even though the empty place she preoccupies
Sits filled by her at my side
Hangs there
A vacant arm wrapped round her waist
With all those small reminders
Of loves everlasting gratitude
As warm and supple as the hip beneath
The soft cotton of her dress
She smiles at me
Baby propped in the crook of her arm
Mother
Lover
And all three of us
Equal
One
The curiosity of my expression
Holds the wistful seconds
Flooded out in silence
So many of the café crowd have noticed
The weird guy
With his note book and pen
Looks around and meets their hopefully unmarked stares
But he pays no attention
Doesn’t even see them
It’s the fall of curls and hazel eyes
He sees
And the world in a fuzzy haze
For now cannot break his desire and need
For a life still perched
Upon a bar stool seat
Waiting to happen
We grew our hair down to our shoulders
Hirsute we were, moustaches and beards
Turned up our noses at those who were older
'Cos we were so hip, so freaky, so weird
Revved up our stereos, going stone-deaf
Dropped pill after pill, of common sense bereft
Wore psychedelic threads to match our psychedelic brains
We thought ourselves 'free,' but we were really in chains
Don't ask me if the Sixties were 'wonderful years!'
~ Just leave me alone with my cigars and my beer
Isn't it weird, how things change,
Everything seems the same but when u look back it's all a bit strange,
and all i want right now, is a simple exchange,
my life in exchange for the life I had when i was a kid which was more in place,
Isn't it weird, how fast the time move,
and how within seconds people can be removed,
removed from our life's that makes us feel like we are stabbed in the heart with a couple of knifes,
and people say these are the lessons in life that makes us wise,
But what if I don't want to be wise,
but a kid who actually likes their life,
Isn't it weird, how we humans are,
filled with so many emotions but yet we feel like nothing,
surrounded by ton of words but yet can't describe exactly what we feel,
So many thoughts but yet nothing comes out,
how brain is the one to decide but yet we cling on to the heart to make a choice.
* Weird Science *
With pens he walks
Pocket Protectors to protect his chest
Taped up glasses on his face
Pull his pants down, call him a GEEK a NERD
Science -relativity theory and it's light speed from space
Experiment this- discover that, is how scientist rant
Brainy cats have so many open portals in their minds
You talk down to us as if we carry the brains of a bird
Do you really think we are all blind,
for not caring over the objectives principles of the Heisenberg?
You passed each and ever single science fairs in class
Feeding your ego collecting dots
After school you earned the right when a bully kicked your a$$!
A DORK calling your self the Math Magician King
Burning and crashing our minds explaining the physics of dying fast
Using your Quantum Leap that our universe comes with a destiny string
No desire to be wired who needs your further scientific understanding
Life comes with a pattern in which we once lived electricity free
Ironically your scientific process of defining itself continues to expand
Supported by the measurements and masses only you NERDS understand
The power points of our so called energy,
is pointless to me like our so called gravity.
The tale you spin is not of love but a twisted one of insanity
God is the only scientific knowledge I want to perceive!
All you so called scientist, riding the lightning like Benjamin F.
Take the bolt and tie it like a noose around your neck
Following your own perception while you feed off the sheep
Here you come to emerge to discipline us with your mind of a genius
You come and you bash us with NERD brain waves to explain!
That this world revolves around the elements and laws of scientific claims
Research this- research that- who gives a cr@p we still die at the end
While life continues, to grow and manipulate our fate, about the universe
Unsolved facts about Einstein, who left his velocity of change for us to comprehend.
Instead of trying to rule the world, explain the facts why things keep getting worse?
Over exaggerating the excitement of an Ancient Mayan 2012 discovery curse.
Bottom line you scientific quacks,
the real Celestial body is found on the bottom of my crack.
By; P.D. ( LOL, I love Science )
I think I must be seeing things
Before me stand the four of kings,
They shuffle when the Bishop brings
Annette upon nine raven wings
And Beanie rides a sea serpent
And wonders where the yellow went;
I go to pay the next day’s rent,
Where have they taken my new tent?
The bandstand kids look like Dick Clark,
Turn on the lights, I’m in the dark,
I’m standing in Grand Central Park,
A worm has caught a purple lark
And Kookie has run out of combs
So rents out rooms in old maid’s homes,
He has B.O. where ere he roams
So buys some spray and sells his tomes,
To your friend Ralph, yes you know who,
The one who should be in a zoo;
He sells used cars upon the tube
To each and every simple boob
And if he gives you stomach ache
Then Alkaseltzer’s what you take
And Bufferin too if you’re a rake,
Thus hath the Johnny Carson spake
Do I need a cigarette?
A camel says before me yet
‘yes, Luckys is the brand to get,
Be a he man, don’t you fret’
‘there must be worser ways to die
So buy brand X, give it a try’;
Just then another bird walks up
And asks me what I feed my pup
Then puts a nickel in my cup
And tells me I am full of crup
Of where I am, I’m unaware;
Why are the people all so square?
Who is standing over there?
He says he’s here to take my fare
But I’m not going anywhere,
Besides I feel my pockets bare
‘Well then I guess you must have paid’
At this I start to get afraid,
I think my mind will start to fade,
Then Hogen’s Heros make a raid,
Upon my sensibilities
And now it’s clear why each eye sees
So many people climbing trees;
It aint because of hungry fleas
As Tarzan swings upon a rope
I find I start to give up hope;
Jack Webb has started smoking dope
So now the crooks no longer mope
And Perry Mason kicks a judge
But finds the law will never budge
Unless big business gives a nudge
To Popeye selling ice cream fudge
At this I really have to rush
To our old john so I can flush
So far away this vacant mush
Before my teeth I start to brush
Then Josephine comes to my view
And says ‘I want to talk to you
Have you scrubbed your sink anew?
Your mop I think needs some shampoo’
I said ‘I think you are the plumber
And no one else was ever dumber
You’ve put me on another bummer’
My feelings start to get much number
continued in part 2>
Continued from Part 2
Some kid is spraying Clearasil,
He wants to make his pimples nil;
He paints his breath with chlorophyll;
I’m in the dream of someone ill
I’m fleeing but I feel a goose,
Behind me grins a guy named Bruce,
His velvet miniskirt is puce
Why can’t I even call a truce?
There’s Billy Graham on a binge
His holy words do make me cringe;
If nonsense were a door with fringe
Then Billy Graham would be the hinge
I hear some Wallace words unkind
How has our race so soon declined?
His thoughts should be in sheit enshrined;
Thank god my eyes are color blind
The Beverly Hillbillys pace the street
The crowds are lying at their feet
While Petticoat Junction joins the fleet
And Green Acres makes it complete
I guess I know that something’s wrong
I haven’t yet met old King Kong,
They say ‘he went back to Hong Kong
For that is where he do belong’
Now I’m pausing in the gloom
And watch the reruns they exhume
They still do stink, I smell the fume;
To run away I must resume
Here comes Mitch, he’s singing songs
While Lawrence Welk, he beats the gongs;
I need to buy some racing thongs,
Instead they sell me three Ding Dongs
Behind me now there grows a tree
While Howdy Doody bends his knee;
I haven’t lost my sanity,
I’m merely tuned to Channel Three
End
Felines have a versatile paw
That unfolds a razor like claw
An apron has strings
That cats see as playthings
While scratching chef's butt 'til it's raw
Author's Note: This story was related to me by an attractive and shapely associate who claims she sometimes works in her kitchen dressed only in her bra and an apron.
Continued from Part 1
Matt Dillon chases Jack LaLane
Around a roller derby lane
I think I need some more cocaine,
So please don’t ever come back Shane
I try to walk another street
When me and Walter Cronkite meet;
He says he thinks the news is neat
And starts to talk about the sleet
I run away as fast I can
When Brinkley and the other man
Say ‘good night Peter, good night Pan’
While Tinker Bell is on the can
A dog starts crapping up the yard,
He must have eaten too much Pard
But watch out, here comes Pat Boone, bard,
He’s taking steps without regard
I find a jackass facing me
And ride as far as far can be
And find myself beneath the sea,
But now Lloyd Bridges faces me
I think he must be on a hunt
To find a mind that he can stunt;
He says ‘they’re sitting all up front
And you can hear them as they grunt’
Old Ironsides rolls into view
And says he’s looking for a clue;
I close my eyes and say ‘me too’
’cause something seems so much askew
I better buy some brand new specs
’cause Mickey Mouse is rated X
And everybody’s doing sex;
Ben Casey gives the VD checks
Hey, Milton Berle is throwing rocks
And Elvis Presley’s chased by flocks
Of girls in teeny bopper socks;
Please help, I’m sick, I need two docs
A weirdo asks me ‘what’s my line
If Ricky Nelson drinks my wine
And Lucy is my concubine;
Paola’s great if I get mine’
I’m looking for a place to hide
I stick my thumb out for a ride
When Jackie Gleason pulls up beside
‘If two squared’s four, can you divide?’
‘Of course I can, I’ve been to school
And I am not nobody’s fool’
I feel I am a molecule
Just floating through a vestibule
So Jackie says ‘you are a kid
But older than a pyramid,
Too bad you’re not a phallic squid;
I say, ah, can you spare a lid?’
Some girls are wearing panty hose
They shave their hair which overgrows
And spray away their bod’s B.O.s;
I want to fade inside my clothes
Continued in Part 3