Best Shtick Poems
News is abhorring
And so boring
Starting from the break of dawn
I think we need
To be indeed
Vaccinated for the yawn
They always try
The same tired lie
Their old shtick goes on and on
I’ll catch my death
With lack of breath
If they don’t vaccinate the yawn
They put on acts
With rusty facts
Their dog dug up from the lawn
And then they’ll drone
Over that bone
Hurry and vaccinate the yawn
Obey we should
For public good
And if not they’ll use their brawn
That same lousy
Makes me drowsy
Excuse me while I yawn
Here’s protection
From infection
Sorry but we’ve seen that con
So please instead
Cure sleepyhead
And vaccinate the yawn
We’ve had enough
Of their old stuff
We’re pooped out being their pawn
Since they’re creepy
We’ll stay sleepy
Until they vaccinate the yawn
Pinhead Lizard
Ever since he was a young boy
He played with balls of fire
From church halls to Soho brothels
He must have had them all
Aint seen nothing like this pinhead
In any amusement hall
That deaf, dumb and dumber kid
Sure plays a mean ol shtick
He weeps at mother Mary’s feet
Becomes part of the molesting dream
Feeling proud at his insulting whit
This Pinhead lizard
Sure is a wee wee twit
The gods looks down in smite and anger
That deaf, dumb and dumber kid
Sure plays a mean mean shtick
He’s a pinhead lizard
Maybe he’s drunk and very pissed
That pinhead lizard sure has a mean twist
How do you think he justifies
God sure hasn’t got a clue
What makes him an evil lizard?
Should have made him into a shoe
Aint got no education
Can’t bear the voices of reason
Don’t see no lights bulbs in that ones head
Makes no sense, but tosses insults like stale bread
He thought he was the charmer
He’s just a pinhead lizard with no crown
Ever since he was young boy
That lizard never grew up
He defames Jesus and preaches
Are all the lizards this lame?
He has his flip flop slippers
No wonder he always falls
Never failing to de-fame
He’s a pinhead lizard
Maybe he’s drunk and very pissed
That pinhead lizard sure has a mean mean twist
Written Sep 14, 2001 Parody on the song Pinball Wizard and a video game at the time!
What's happened recently I have to tell. (Hiccup)
Wish I could muddle through without a screw-up.
It starts out at a comic show. (Hiccup)
The stand-up doing jokes was such a crack-up
my laughter turned to choking then, (Hiccup)
and from my nose there squirted diet 7-up.
Embarrassed by all this, I got up and (Hic!)
excused myself to the lady's room and quick.
I tried to drink some water and to (Hic!)
apply another coat of Rose glow lipstick.
When I returned, I heard stuff that was (Hiccup)
not for kids and hardly for the ears of any grown-up.
I guess I got back just in time for (Hic!)
that crazy guy's most hilarious shtick.
Laughing violently, I felt (Hiccup)
I once again was gonna have a flare-up.
But why I just kept choking I don't (Hic!)
know, but this time I was feeling rather sick.
That's when I first started doing (Hic!)
this. Wish I'd gone instead to see some flick.
This all happened thirty days a (Hic!)
go. I think I've now tried almost every trick-
from breathing into bags to even (hiccup)
drinking from the wrong side of a teacup.
I'm tired of my husband trying to (hiccup)
scare me into stopping, so I'll sum up.
A guy like me was on Jay Leno's (Hic!)
Show. Hey! I could be the famous hiccup chick!
And yet, of all the things I could be known (Hic!)
for, this has to be the last one I would pick!
Written 3/18/14 for The Tickle My Funny Bone contest
10/17/19
"Brand New"
I'd be damned to quit
Putting out some brand new s***
With a brand new drip
In my a step a brand new skip
Brand new tint
Steering wheel with a brand new grip
In a brand new whip
With a brand new chick
On my hip a brand new stick
With a brand new clip
The man who's lit
Got a brand new script
Just picked up a brand new zip
And a brand new brick
No better time to make a brand new flip
Never been brand new to it
It was time to get a brand new skiff
So I bought a brand new ship
Blessed with a brand new gift
As well as a brand new shtick
On my shoulder a brand new chip
Ready to take care of this brand new itch
Towing a trailer, in a brand new truck with a brand new lift
And a brand new hitch
Found a brand new niche
Only out for brand new not no kitsch
Accomplished it, and now got a brand new wish
Currently on a brand new mish
While solving a brand new twist
Companies advertising a brand new pitch
She got surgery for some brand new ti**
In a state of brand new bliss
In the air a brand new drift
The tectonic plates near a brand new shift
Soon in the sky a brand new eclipse
Purchased some brand new kicks
About to use some brand new tricks
All these brand new cliques
And brand new pricks
I'm going to handle it
In the dark, don't need no candlestick
It's my problem, so i'm dipping my hand in this
Stunning crafts like amulets
A planet full of inhabitants
Areas full of contaminants
Sitting atop their palaces
People obsessed with extravagance
Others starving and ravenous
Not all became graduates
Some got into accidents
Causing a state of paralysis
Folks so haplessness
This life is nothing short of fabulous
The verdict wasn't always unanimous
Still into cannabis
But not abstinence
Got it done, regardless of short handedness
Near and far from waters with platypus
I'm working on my own analysis
The results shall be nothing short of miraculous
By: Dalton Ogletree
Zone
By Kieran Pavlick
26 October 2012
Stitch me back together,
whether it hurts me or not.
I still don’t know if I was
Blown up or shot.
The brain plays tricks,
maybe a bullet or
shrapnel from bricks.
I ain’t afraid of dyin’
I’m in a macho clique.
We expect the worst to happen.
Part of that is Rappin’ and
Some of it is Shtick.
You doin’ it with super glue?
How modern of you.
From assembling model airplanes,
To jigsaw puzzles, Dude
Technology took away stitches, so
I won’t look Frankenstein crude
Two billion people are of the Christmas persuasion,
Two billion people celebrate that most joyous occasion.
If that is true, Santa has to visit 23,148 people every second.
Which really is an awful lot as near as I can reckon.
I know that magic plays a part of Santa’s yearly shtick,
But even taking that into account it really is a trick.
Because that one second includes travel time and chimney scaling
Note reading, cookie eating, and occasionally board game playing.
Even taking into account that there may be a temporal causality loop,
That allows for the suspension of time for him and his happy little group.
Imagine how long it would take in a reindeer driven sleigh,
To visit each town and stop at each house along his way.
And think of the toys that delight and make the children want to shout,
The number of elves that it takes to build them would really freak me out.
The logistics of this endeavor can really start to boggle your mind,
The importing of raw materials alone could set you way behind.
To us, Santa may seem a jolly carefree guy, but he never gets to play hooky,
To run an organization such as that he must be one tough Christmas cookie.
That dreadful day i went over to play,
Husbands and wives, we called a date,
She said she would cook for the both of us,
And commit crimes of the flesh as it were the last of us,
Awkward talk, simmering broth and blood on the tablecloth,
With eyes wide shut i felt a prick,
She explained to me her usual shtick,
She took a page from the big bad wolf,
In this story i was little red riding hood,
Which makes grandmother a euphemism for?
Wait hold on, i think i digressed,
For her tale of trauma was hard to digest,
But i fail to empathize,
How a lifestyle choice to cannibalize brew from weak family ties,
Her gleeful enthusiasm i wasn’t able to share as i was served medium rare,
Chubby cheeks, dimple chin, rosy lips,
And i fell prey to her teeth within,
The night went on as was planned by me and by her
As i did seem to enter her
Packaged and sent to Robert Gorelick’s
Made him a Doggy Book Of Limericks
That had me roaring-unique
Some were cute and very chic
A twisty phrase he pulls-off, are his tricks
A postcard; his picture, a return address
Newly printed and hot off the press
It brought us closer, poet pals
Good deeds, I thanked God at St. Mel’s
He said it was nice, he was very impressed
His looks shout out Mister California
Ladies and gentlemen let me warnya
Dusty rugged devil so fine
He has aged like a fine French wine
Copy, print, and bind, a great idea
Robert takes his book wherever he goes
Bragging and boasting to all friends and foes
I’m submitting his chap book
I'll find an agent to hook
Dreams come true, fairy tales and rainbows
For the majority of the vast
I have been saving the best for last
His genius; sparkling and clever
He’s back, as witty as ever
Takes requests and voilà writes it fast
Maybe doggy limericks are his shtick
Short stories sensitive and romantic
But wait, a beautiful quatrain
Will please you every now and then
So let’s hear it for Robert Gorelick!
Lipstick on the collar his only flaw
From the late night lover he just saw
Washed his shirt real quick
But forgot his shtick
He'll burn in Hell when she sees him raw
The years fold into one another
like that old collapsible cup
I used to take on picnics;
memories in sepia and disappearing,
resistant, resurrected only by
a word, a sign, a sound.
It is a vaporous thing to cherish;
the wonder of it, not in its nostalgia,
rather in its why.
Old images grow ragged on their edges.
The simple times were not the best,
and fine sandpaper
is the modifier of choice.
I thought of lemonade at four o'clock,
popcorn by the radio
and Stoopspeakle nagling*
on a Sunday afternoon.
Then it is that I remember
turning up the volume
just to drown, I think,
my parents' argument.
~
*Col. Stoopnagle was a radio comedian
back in the early 40's, whose shtick
was speaking in spoonerisms
NAME DROPPER
One day I had lunch with the Queen
We ate fresh garden peas round and green
One of mine rolled toward her
Sent back in short order
“No thanks, One don’t know where it’s been”
On that day I dined with the Queen
We had soup from a large tureen
In my nervous state
I knocked over her plate
Now I eat looking on Tower Green
I once asked my friend Francis Crick
With the double helix your shtick
Does your DNA
Ever get in the way
He said Geoffrey, don’t be such a pr**k
I asked Einstein what had his brain creaking
He said when your velocity’s peaking
If you near speed of light
It’s possible you might
Meet yourself coming back, relatively speaking
When it comes to name dropping, my lord!
You can’t go much higher than Gawd
Though I have to say
We don’t speak every day
He calls me when He’s feeling bored
It doesn't feel like Disney World
Though it has lots of rides
And food and fun and shops galore
It naturally provides.
Since 1843, it's been
A Copenhagen treat,
A perfect place downtown
For friends and family to meet.
You stroll right up and pay the fee
And then you're on your way -
No snaking lines or checking bags
To spoil your night or day.
Despite the cold, the festive lights
And sparkling decorations
Are there to welcome locals
And those here from other nations.
The Danes have made a special place
Without commercial shtick.
Appealing to the grown-ups
Is what likely does the trick.
What's with all those infomercials
Those people talking in circles
Trying to sell you stuff you don't need
Tell you their product will do this guaranteed
They are always on really late
With their shtick some poor insomniac they bait
Lack of sleep they're not thinking right
The temptation they can't fight
Get rid of those wrinkles on your face
With this cream time will be erased
Do you want to blast that belly fat
Hey we got a pill for that
You know you need that pressure cooker
We got cosmetics to make you a looker
Exercise programs for that summer body
They'll give you a six pack;make you a hottie
Order soon this is what you'll pay
Hurry act now don't delay
We'll even throw in something free
And don't forget the money back guarantee
We take all major credit cards
Our disclaimer please don't disregard
Oh yeah there's one last thing
Those shipping fees will really sting
-C.A.Saputo xoxo
I’m riding the subway (the 4)
Where you never know what is in store.
A character stood
Ranting loudly he should
Have a seat, which I tried to ignore.
His ravings got louder until
Someone rose to accede to his will.
Though he sat with a plop
His harangue didn’t stop
And we passengers’d all had our fill.
But the woman who sat to his right
Started cursing with all of her might,
Saying either he’d quit
Or she’d have such a fit
That she’d slice him to bits in a fight.
A Samaritan did intercede
So we never saw anyone bleed.
When the doors opened wide
He stepped quickly outside
With the ranter, a very cool deed.
The female, though, kept up her shtick;
Her anger was what made her tick.
I questioned the stars
Thinking, with all these cars,
Why was this one the one I did pick?
Like a zombie at a town picnic
Scarfing brains in my room, like a shtick
My costume I offed
For I retched and coughed
Mom said, "That was the ultimate trick!"
October 30th, 2019
9
9
5
5
9