Best Piss Off Poems
Her Mother says I'm not that bright
in need of supervision.
A wayward male who would likely fail
to make a good decision.
So I've lost my friends... they've disappeared,
my wife gave them the boot.
To up our standing and improve our branding
with people of high repute.
My diet's better so I'm eating greens,
no beer or fatty foods.
But I tell you plain, I try in vain
but I'm in a foul mood.
I dream of things I cannot have
like burgers doused in sauce.
A chicken wing and some onion rings,
all hidden from the Boss.
But her senses keen as she's rarely tricked
when I try to cheat.
She sets me straight then sets my plate
and tells me what to eat.
Our viewing habits are oft discussed
and we are of one accord.
No tennis courts or winter sports
and no watching zombie hordes.
My gaming suffers as she disapproves
so my Xbox gathers dust.
Though when out of sight, I still sneak at night
to satisfy my lust.
When I talk to her... she twists my words
to points of her own choosing.
A terse reply, she then starts to cry
which makes it more confusing.
What keeps me here? I love my wife,
would never find another.
So I will obey and I'm here to stay
just to piss off her dear Mother.
The End
^Follow my cartoon at Webtoon Bob's Your Uncle.
Love inspissiated*
when she was tired of it.
It had run its course.
She wished she could send
it back to the cleaners,
or whatever you do with
inspissiation.
It sounded vulgar,
this "spiss" word,
so she said it twice -
"inspissiation".
Love inspissiated
one lost afternoon
in her middle-age.
George was hopeless!
She wished she could send
him back to the cleaners -
that he would just PISS OFF.
--------------------------------
* a real word
5/1/2015
Contest - Let's have some fun
Sponsor - Casarah Nance
A win
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Featured poem of the week
commencing 2/6/22
A llegiance to no other VICE except a NEW YORK CITY ATTITUDE
B oroughs Brooklyn, Bronx, Manhattan, Queens and Staten island, take your pick
C ity that never sleeps
D isown your chewing gum on the sidewalk
E mpire state of mind is what you develop when living in NYC
F REAKS and freedom come out at night
G et the gusto and GO!
H arlem is where you need to be when converging in NEW YORK CITY
I n New York City manners are not usually common placed
J ust watch the closing DOORS, you'll be OK
K nowing an URBAN LEGEND is a prerequisite to NYC living
L eft FOOT losers lurk around EVERY other corner
M ost New Yorkers are always rushing off to work at rush hour then rushing back home
N ightlife, NEON lights and honking horns
O nly alliances are with other NYC loving metropolitans
P olice are there to assist (unless you need assistance)
Q uietness is not an option
R ising repeatedly to early morning blaring fire engines and loud radio playing
S taten Island ferry or would you rather the Statue of Liberty?
T imes Square New year eve testimonial, NYC for real!!
U nder no circumstances are you to ever AGITATE (piss off) a NYC police officer
V ery energized New Yorkers (metropolitans) visiting Broadway
W hy does NYC have a subway system? For tourists of course!
X marks the spot, you are HERE.
Y ou a New Yorker?
Z estfully going along for the ride. TAXI!!
This hype is NYC stereotype. ONLY IN NEW YORK. NYC IS a great place to visit and maybe you'd wanna live there. You GETTIN' in that TAXI?! New York City Baabee!!
THAT'S real. YOU GOTTA PROBLEM?!
Step 1-Live in a grand palace with your overbearing father or evil stepmother.
Step 2-Even though you are a princess and live in a palace or castle you have to remember to whine all the time. Complain about how boring your life is.
Step 3- Because your life is so boring you now must do everything in your power to escape the palace and piss off your father or stepmother. Like runaway with some street rat you met in the marketplace, or swim to your cave full of items that you think are magical when they are really just pollution, lose your shoe at a magic ball you were forbidden to go to and finally stay with the hideous man beast who kidnapped you.
Step 4- Find your prince no matter what!
Step 5-Make a deal with an evil witch just so your prince will notice you. The classics are taking a strange apple from some old woman, trading your voice to a creepy octopus lady that will be sure to give you nightmares, or staying in the castle to show the creepy werewolf guy that you love him no matter what spell he is under.
Step 6-Sit and wait. Don't worry your prince will come. Eventually. I mean how long could it be. It's not like you can tell him you want him. Some octopus ***** stole your voice. And also the street rat...he isn't really a prince but he has a genie best friend so you can lie to your father about that one. And poor Cinderella waiting for Mr. Charming to come with her slipper that somehow only fits her. Apparently that kingdom was filled with Sasquatch women.
Step 7-Finally get your kiss! Yay! You can talk again. You finally woke up from your deep sleep. Man beast was actually really handsome once the spell was broken...don't worry about the hairballs you'll be hacking up for a week.
Step 8-Live happily ever after. Marry the love of you life who you just met like a day ago and leave people asking what happens after that.
Look into my eyes and you will see my pain. For you its always sunny for me its always raining. I gave you my all and you pushed me away. I can do better I'm a soldier anyways. You will not break me I will not run I stood right behind a rifle looking down a Burrell of a gun.I have those thought I see those faces I cant escape even if I try to hind in new place. so I face my problems I take my meds.I will be gods child iuntil I am dead. piss off with your pitty I don't want it I want to be alone, A man that is hunted. Hunted by the pass the things that I done the thought of that I was not there for my son.I I had risked my life for yours would you do the same I bet not because you couldn't handle this pain
How dare this notion
Bury with green the last roots
And piss off a rose!
I give up
no
strike that
I Quit.
this is not happening
no matter what I do you--
that's just perfect
lets blame it all on me then shell we?
oh I need to calm down
I'm over reacting?
I'm not even raising my voice and I need to calm down
of Course because you are so---
no I'm not being mean
no this is not negotiable
I am not being mean
I can not handle stupid, oblivious,----
oh because I have learning issues I'm the one at fault?
that makes perfect since,
I just went up, and asked for them in the line at the super market did i?
umm...Mr. God sir can I have an ADHD apple and some anger issue socked berries?
Right
sit down,
be quiet,
don't do that,
Put the book away,
get off that tablet.
like I can really control it.
I'm not doing it on purpose
I do not wake up in the morning as say alright witch teacher can I piss off to day and what kid am I going to make cry?
hmm...lets see I pick Issac and Johnny-boy
I am an Alchemist, not a Manifestor - I am grateful I realized the difference.
I would know in my mind, and wait my due time, and nothing would even be seen in the distance.
I remembered when I created my first universe, before it was destroyed- I did that through creating.
Working and building with what I had - it would piss off my dad- that I was literally creating new elements for my new galaxy.
When world one was destroyed I tried manifesting- knowing something would happen for me.
But time would pass and I'd still be on ass... I didn't get why what I thought couldn't be
But then I heard through the words of this spirit named 19 Keys- explaining the difference between manifesting and alchemy. We have to know who we are and where our personal strengths lie, to think-> create -> then it Be.
So from Jendayi, the fashion brand (You can Google it) where my first world was alchemized; I saw how I could make couture out of anything, its natural state just a disguise. As far as cooking, you can have the least and I will make you a Michelin rated feast. I am a beast when it comes to creating - I am an alchemist.
Shout out to my manifestos, I admire your gift, I am glad I no longer struggle to obtain it. Know your strengths. Know your gifts. And lets construct the planets we deserve.
XXGu
Oh! How I long for that
one sweet moment of
loneliness, when the human race
decides to piss off, leaving me
to wallow in my own
company.
The pressurized world,
the ceremonious
corporate reciprocates, one’s
space to foul, with flouting
flagrant farts! Creating
thunderous turmoil, a
chaotic state of mind,
a wind of prevalent
change.
Innocent minds, virgin thoughts
collective breeding grounds,
stage upon stage, the master’s philosophy to
be acted out. His! To
nurture, to alter, personalities
to change, ideals to strive
for, directions to enforce.
The
new breed, created from
the production line of
progression, cantankerous wankers! Mountaineers
all. “No strings” Yet each one
a “Puppet” To the regime, each
one skilled in the art of
deceit, degrees in codhology, all
willing to sell their soul
to the executive.
“Interaction Management” The
suave enemy. “Believe it”
At one’s peril,
“The flattery
the empathy
the confidence”
Seek out! The expression
behind the expression.
If not! “One will love it”
Hook line and sinker, caught
in a web of verbal
trash, dressed up in treachery.
Soon
the moralist to become ridiculed,
their dispute subjected
to “Reductio ad absurdum” Yet
their accuser dances
amongst the clouds, eyes forever
searching skywards, the social
divorce permanent.
Who!
Are these arrogant ones,
those reared in such cynical ways,
their curriculum brimming with
intellect, yet without
the power to reason,
only the power to perform!
The forked tongue, the worthless hand shake
at Christmas time, the insincere
parody that floats across the
pay table.
Many years
I have given myself
to this crap, and here are
these bastards, having us
all feel grateful, for the
“Privilege
of
employment.”
© Harry J Horsman 1993
This is the Cannabis song,
they've turned something good.
made is seem wrong,
It's illegal why?
Come on politics,
don't be shy
So many uses for this wonder drug,
Wonderful for clothing and sometimes rugs,
Fords model T car was built from hemp- the very best,
Mayflower sails were too they passed the test,
1619 Jamestown settlers had to grow the crop,
It's absorbent fibers make the best cleaning mop.
clothing more solid and sturdy,
Eco-friendly for the fish and birdies,
replenishes soil with nutrients it once dropped,
known as the most efficient rotational crop,
artists for many years used the oil as paint,
use hemp money to pay for that date,
hemp oil could end the gas crisis,
Piss off Shell, Chevron, they don't like surprises,
Lets not forget the physical effects,
One of the best ways to let your body rest,
ointments for sore muscles and lotions for skin,
once it's ingested, ooh feels like a wonderful sin,
The many Cannabinoids help with cancer,
better than chemo not guaranteed to end the disaster,
Certain strains provide mellow for those with epilepsy,
imagine being the kid who just cant sleep,
take a dose once or twice a day,
they now see the sun's shiny rays,
Cant leave out the repair of brain cells,
the ones that alcohol beats up then bails
Why is it illegal you ask?
Politics wear the greatest masks,
Constantly paid off by corporate interests,
Wanted monopolies to bring them pocket book bliss,
Pharmaceuticals, DuPont, Randal Hearst, now Alcohol,
Couldn't stand the competition this “drug” brings at all,
To ensure the public wouldn't be informed,
Made GOV medical testing illegal and provided propaganda ****
So many other details,
but this must end sometime.
For some great information on cannabis
visit the http://NORML.org website
It was in the Barley Tavern, on a normal Friday night,
I’d ordered flatty tails and chips for tea, before I’m sitting down,
with a schooner full of Coopers stout, when I caught a sight,
of Curly Easson entering, who doesn’t often come to town.
And some say it’s just as well; for he’s a bob short of a quid.
If there’s a village searching for an idiot - he’s the one.
But it’s got nothing to do with lawlessness, or what he did.
It’s just that Curly falls for every prank; now it is no fun.
So the problem is, Curly thinks, that everyone’s his mate,
and he keeps falling for the simple pranks, time and time again,
so now above the bar room chatter, Curley’s reached his use by date,
‘cause I hear ‘piss off will you Curly. You’ll send a bloke insane!’
And I’d hear this cuss time and again, out in the public bar,
so I rounded up old Curly, and sat him on a chair near me.
I asked “where you been Curly Old Son. Have you traveled near and far?”
Curly muttered “no not really. I’m having sleepless nights you see.”
“And Mabel moans and groans because I get so restless in our bed,
and each three hours I am wide awake, and kissing Mavis’ neck,
so the other night she done her block, and nagging loud she said,
‘you go and visit Doctor Coombes; or there’s bits of you I’ll wreck.”
I had a giggle to meself; that Doctor Coombes enjoys a joke.
I’ll bet he pointed to the garden path where Curly’s to be led,
so to find out the solution, I repeated Curley when I spoke,
“three hours sleep and wide awake - hardly worthwhile going to bed.”
“I know that” Curly winked at me, “but Doctor Coombes has fixed all that.
He’s put me on this brand new drug, that’s got extraordinary powers,
and soon as my head hits the pillow, these pills will knock me flat,
but Doctor Coombes advised me, to take one pill, every two hours.”
I’ve got a flat tyre.
Congratulations, hope you’ll both be very happy.
Can you fix it?
Are you going to a fancy dress party?
I’m getting married, Sherlock.
Wow, kept that quiet, who’s the poor sod.
Nigel, and I’m in a bit of a rush, so if you don’t mind.
Leave it to me, that’s what us ex’s are for. You wearing a Basque under that dress.
Is that any of your business.
Just making the usual ex’s conversation, don’t lose the garter.
Yes, it is traditional, now can you get a move on.
Can’t get the wheel off, but not to worry I’ll drive you there, wherever there is.
It’s the registry office.
Okay jump in, where’s the honeymoon.
Skegness.
You’re joking, it’s freezing in Skeggy at this time of year.
His mum died there, so it’s a sort of goodbye.
So he’s a mummy’s boy then.
He’s not a mummy’s boy, it’s just a nice thing to do.
Do you want me to walk you down the aisle?
Why the hell would I want you to walk me down the aisle, plus, there isn’t an aisle.
Just the thing ex’s do for the one they love.
Don’t you start, just get me there?
Okay, but don’t cry when I start crying.
Piss off.
Four hours later, the phone rings.
Could you come and get me?
What do you mean come and get you, you’re married?
He’s brought his mum into the bedroom.
Well you did say he’s a mummy’s boy, so he carries her ashes about, think it as something old.
She isn’t in ash form.
Jesus, tell me he didn’t get her stuffed.
She isn’t dead.
This is brilliant, only you could get married into the Münster family, send me the photos, so I can show them to the guys down the pub.
You just get down here and pick me up, this is an emergency.
Oh! I don’t know, I’m sort of liking this marriage of yours, it’s slightly weird, but in a good way.
Do you want to see what I’m wearing under this dress?
That is blackmail, will mummy in law approve of this kind of talk.
Last time, do you want to see what I’m wearing.
Bombing up the motorway as we speak.
POQ
P O Q AND D C B, means 2 U I can assure,
Is piss off quick and don’t come back,
No don’t come back, no more
So you hit it over the arrrs with the bridle,
Don’t wanna catch this hoss, paw poor,
Let it suck aigs with lucky legs,
If its brains so full of straw?
Lucky legs might snap and wedge,
Up a butt-bit-bloody sore
POQ & DCB new lover needed for,
Drongo Fred who aint outa bed,
But his farts is solid bore,
In the pig trough swill we leave this dill,
Shut up Johnson , sure….
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dRr3kiRHvjI
Don Johnson
Lucky legs were likely to snap off and run up ya, ask yer mother for sixpence to see the jerry giraffe,
Freckles on his eyebrows and big ones on his ask.etc a saying back before 1960?
Unkempt, bedraggled,
Pushing her life before her
In a tatty shopping trolley,
Covered in a dirty duvet.
She moves around the town,
Slowly,
Head down,
Hugging the walls and side alleys,
Trying to be inconspicuous.
One day with curious concern, I approach.
"Hello, how are you today?"
She stares at me with wild eyes.
"Do you need anything,
A drink, something to eat?"
She opens her mouth,
Exposing rotten, stumpy teeth,
And replies, "I need peace - piss off."
Perhaps I'll try another day.
Weeks later I see her,
Hunched on a park bench,
Faithful trolley by her side.
She studies something in her hand.
I ponder on her age.
What reduced her to this life?
Rummaging in bins for food.
Sleeping in the underground carpark.
Does she have any family?
How does she survive the bitter, winter nights?
I pluck up the courage and walk over.
I notice white lines down her weathered cheeks,
Revealingly tear tracks,
Unveiling her sadness.
I sit on the bench beside her.
"Hello, can I help you?"
"Go away, leave me alone." She croaks
I press on, "Can I buy you a hot drink
And something to eat before I go?"
She shrugs, wafting her unpleasant odour.
"What would you like?"
She shrugs again, not raising her head.
I go to a nearby refreshment shed
Purchase a sugared tea and bacon roll.
She doesn't look up as I place them on the bench beside her.
Then she utters, "You can piss off now."
I go to leave and glance at a dog-eared photo she is holding,
A smiling couple, holding a young child.
Could she possibly be,
The pretty, young woman in the picture?
Maybe it's a son or daughter?
"Who's your photograph of?" I ask.
Clutching the picture to her breast,
She wildly looks at me,
Then shouts,
"I said, PISS OFF!"
I retreat.
Peering back over my shoulder
I see her,
Drinking tea and eating her roll,
Head down.
Perhaps I'll try again another day.
Life is grim,
perpetually dim,
Don’t know what’s missing,
It belongs within,
Everything I eat,
tastes the same,
Drinking no better,
insipid and plain,
Can’t be bothered,
to answer the door,
Lost all interest,
in peace and gore,
Walking upstairs,
Brings me down,
Climb even higher,
I’m still underground,
At my best,
reach mediocre,
When worse wishing,
life was over,
Walking in quicksand,
up to my waist,
Encrusted with faeces,
Completely encased,
How come the sun,
won’t shine any more,
perhaps it does,
oblivious I ignore,
Future is tomorrow,
Black with decay,
My past the same,
Lacklustre yesterday,
Happiness a joke,
does it exist at all,
Must be an illusion,
from when I was small,
Try to hit lotto,
down on my luck,
What I deserve,
with this outlook,
My hero Cobain! swore,
“I don’t have a gun”
Best lyric ever,
considering what he done,
Push nails in my eyes,
helps numb the pain,
Stand naked in thunder,
Soaking up shame,
Life morphs one sleep,
into the next,
When I wake up,
a world of utter detest,
Is this a rhyme,
or even a poem,
No your right!
Crawl back under my stone,
What can one do,
when despairs all you’ve got,
Look forward to death,
I do quite a lot,
At least It’s a new year
just piss off away,
Sorry! what you expect! “Hip Hip Hooray.”
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