Best Leicester Poems
Don’t worry.
The head of British Gas
will take a pay cut.
Your favourite watering hole
will never shut.
There may be acid rain
because the ozone layer is kaput,
But someday
it’ll be OK.
Don’t worry.
Elvis Presley will announce
that he is well and truly dead.
You will be given a wage
to stay in bed.
There may be squatters
in your garden shed,
But someday
it’ll be OK.
Don’t worry.
There’ll be a non-stop funfair
in your local park.
Granny muggers will prowl
the streets in the dark.
There may be need
to build a fall-out Ark,
But someday
it’ll be OK.
Don't Worry
Leicester City will achieve
the Cup and League double.
Politicians will resign
when in trouble.
You may have to live
in a pollution-free bubble,
But someday,
it’ll be OK.
Don’t worry.
Lady Gaga will become
the Antichrist (or Pope).
Cliff Richard will crack
and start smoking dope.
You may have to listen
to another Tim Vine Joke,
But someday
it’ll be OK.
Don’t worry.
Footballers will not dispute
the yellow card.
Salman Rusdie will not need
an armed guard.
The next London airport
may be New Scotland Yard,
But someday
it’ll be OK.
Football season done.
Optimistic Leicester fans.
Promotion next year.
There is a pub in the Midlands
Which goes by a fishy name.
Be careful what you say in there.
Or you won't be let in again.
It won't be swearing that'll get you barred
Or the starting of a fight
But suggestions to improve the beer.
Or compliments when it's right.
So when next in Leicester
Try a friendly pub instead
The place many recommend
Is the good old Kings Head.
Leicester City.
L eading the Premiership
E xpecting to win this Season
I nserting goals into the net
C apable and able football team
E uropean challenge next year
S uccess not expected by many
T op financially rich teams
E veryone loves an underdog
R really Wonderful season
C apable and willing
I ncredible exceptionally wonderful
T eam work play for each other
Y es yes yes they've done it.
contest message in an acrostic.
sponsored by Kim Rodrigues.
19/01/2017.
Blue Cheese
There is Cheshire, Red Leicester, Emmental and Brie,
Double Gloucester and Edam, a delight for all to see,
Stilton, Caerphilly, or Cheddar mature and mild,
Lots of subtle flavours to drive my taste bud’s wild.
There is Lancashire, Wensleydale or Derby to please,
So why, oh’ why, would you serve me Blue Cheese?
That smelly Blue cheese you know I cannot stand,
Give me Shropshire Mild, or something rather bland.
I don’t want that stinking dairy, in my salad box,
Opening the lid to an odour of sweaty socks.
So, hear my request I am begging of you please,
No more, no more, of that smelly blue cheese.
Arsenal first Friday, always start well
New signings too, will give Leicester hell
Arsenal easy, next,
Liverpool in the early game, a win at a canter
Watford offer up more presents than Santa
Arsenal easy, Liverpool canter, next,
Chelsea at the Bridge a cert to crush Burnley
Untouchable last season, this is money for free
Arsenal easy, Liverpool canter, Chelsea a cert, next,
Man City away win, there’s simply no reason
Why Brighton won’t be relegation fodder this season
Arsenal easy, Liverpool canter, Chelsea a cert, Man City away, next,
Spurs to cane Newcastle, big gap in class
Don’t think the magpies are gonna last
Arsenal easy, Liverpool canter, Chelsea a cert, Man City away, Spurs pure class, last,
Man United on fire, all glitz and glamour
Scoring for fun, gonna stuff the hammers
Arsenal easy, Liverpool canter, Chelsea a cert, Man City away, Spurs pure class, United on fire,
Fifty quid on a six-fold, what could possibly go wrong
.
.
Arsenal Nil Leicester 1
.
.
Damn
If you go to Villa Park
You'll be in for a lark.
From kickoff the opposition will look on fire
But that is because Villa are so dire.
The goals go in one two three four
By halftime it could end as a cricket score.
The Villa fans slide down in their seat
Knowing they are heading for another defeat.
Thinking there is no inspiration
And heading closer to relegation
Twenty minutes to go the fans head for home
They have to face work with no safety zone.
But don't expect me to take pity
Because I support Leicester City.
Haiku version
Sad Villa fans. Cry
Relegation looms. Bottom.
Leicester fans smile. Top.
A Yankee lover for Leicester
unsure pronounced it Likester
sorry the agent did smirk
none for likester you jerk
but plenty if she's in Lester.
There was a young lady from Leicester
Who met a young man who impressed her
She was swept off her feet
And her heart skipped a beat
When he cuddled and kissed and caressed her
“Ay up me duck” sed me dad to me mam,
“Ah'v gorr’us some cobs and some nice Walkers ham”;
“The market was manic” he continued to speak’,
“I popped up to Linekers' to get fruit for the week”;
He came into the room and sat down next to me,
while mam poured him a nice mug of fresh brewed tetley.
“I popped int'a the aye-cross on me way back”;
“Just to av a swift arf, you know, just for the craic”,
“'I was playin' the frootie and just mindin' me own”,
“While some nutter beyind me 'ad a raj down the phone”;
“Ee was gettin all mardy to 'is bird or 'is mate”,
“cause they'd sed Jamie Vardy weren’t all that great”'
“well if you could've herd it, it got pretty scary”,
“he was gettin quite heated and seriously larey!”
Then me dad sat there chuckling away to himself
While me mam got the butter down off of the shelf.
He looked over at me still adorned with a grin,
“How are you anyway lad, and where av you bin?”
“Ah'v bin up the town' I said 'riding round Vicky Park”,
“giving our lad a croggy on me bike till the dark”.
And that's how it went just me mam, dad and me
As we ate up our cobs and had a few cups of tea;
It might not be Rio or L.A. or Rome,
But teatime in Leicester will always be home.
In a short time, you will be my executioner.
Your actions shall be considered a favor.
You say to me “Lady, please forgive me”.
I, Mary Stuart, am grateful for your sympathy.
You are putting me out of my misery.
It was purely by providential chance,
that I should rule both Scotland and France.
My first bout with misfortune was the scene
where my French king husband Francois died at sixteen.
I would return to my native Scotland right away.
I faced subjection by my half-brother Earl of Moray.
James Stewart and John Knox scorned my presence.
Peace between Protestants and Catholics found no permanence.
With this problem, I became heavily involved.
During my reign, practically nothing could be solved.
My cousin Elizabeth has been a thorn in my side.
Her disdain and disfavor she chooses not to hide.
Elizabeth proposed with blatant effrontery,
that I marry the Earl of Leicester, Robert Dudley.
Such a marriage would bring an English-Scottish alliance.
I would have been a fool to submit to compliance.
My marriage to my cousin was out of defiance.
I thought I could love Henry, Lord Darnley.
However, Henry’s actions became a liability.
He helped kill one of the noblest men I would know.
Scottish Lords conspired to murder David Rizzio.
During my reign, troubles compounded all the while.
Soon I found myself a ruler without a nation.
Adversaries forced me to agree to abdication.
I would be placed into imprisonment during exile.
My involvement in the Babington Plot is the reason
why I am being executed for high treason.
Please let your blow be both swift and clean.
It shall release me from this ignominious scene.
I wanted England and Scotland to live in harmony.
May I be remembered this way throughout history.
Mary's son, James VI of Scotland eventually became King James I of a united England and Scotland.
I'd heard of this woman called Esther,
Who much prefered London to Leiceter,
Coz you could stay up all night
And still have the right
To behave the next day like a jester
So I met that woman called Esther,
That the world and his missus did pester,
"I do what I can"
She'd say to the clan,
"If you don't like it then find it in Leicester."
We should only eat six sprouts at Christmas
Deem the council who are in Leicestershire
Its no joke, it’s a serious message at Xmas
To reduce waste and not make it higher
We must cut back on crisp pigs in blankets
And should only have three stuffing balls
Also cut back on spuds and fluffy Yorkshire puds
Gee I’m going to be climbing the walls!
I love to eat sprouts at my Christmas dinner
There will be NO sprout restriction for me
I’m rebelling; you may call me a sinner
There'll be piles of sprouts when I eat tea
Yes I’m going to load up my plate
Those officials can just go to hell
I’ll eat sprout after sprout after spout
And then let out a disgusting smell
The council’s intentions are honourable
Of that there are no doubts
But Leicester County Council
Keep your mitts off my Brussel sprouts!
12/21/17
NB - familiarity with the pronunciation of the British place names in this poem is essential to comprehend some of the lines - and to ensure the tongue twisting effect in parts.
The Seven Siren Sisters of old Cirencester
Are more infamous now than the lechers of Leicester
While walking with linked arms in Lincoln one day
They saw six sailors sinking pints on the public highway
Their giggles could be heard way down in Biggleswade town
Where the cattle drovers were supping in ye olde Rose & Crown
When one time they rummaged in the markets of Kent
Even they were shocked at the brass they had spent
fourteen shillings had gone and a handful of pence.
nowt left in their purses to furnish the rent
so they came to the notion of trading themselves
for to pay the landlord and put food on their shelves
Soon with all their gay laughter and raucous loud shouts
some curtains at their lodgings were twitching about
and when out were seen tottering many men who were known
to be married to others that lived close by that home
there was such a commotion as wives came scurrying forth
one carried a bucket filled with fresh muck from a horse
A pitched fight then started with brooms and an odd frying pan
until the wives were left standing over each cowering man
while the Seven Siren Sisters of Old Cirencester
sneaked out the back door and ran off to Rochester
never again did they return there to work picking hops
but it wasn't the last time they'd spend too much in the shops
©Rhumour
October 10th 2008
There was a old farmers son from Hull
Who went to market to buy a bull
to bid he didn't know how
Ends up buying a sow,
Should have took the old farmer from Hull.
There was a lovely lady from Leeds
Whom liked putting stickers high in trees
But while planting stickers
She did not ware knickers
Which all the young men watching did please
There was a nice young lady called Ruth
Who parked her small car upon the roof
While some people did stare
yellow lines everywhere
Just made this up that's to tell the truth
There was a poor young man from Leicester
had a sore that started to fester,
To pick it would be wrong
It was behind his thong,
Oh that sore poor young man from Leicester.
An illiterate old bloke called Holv
Writing poetry he couldn't resolve,
All day long he would sit
Writing loads of s..t,
riddles for his poor readers to solve.
( Hull, Leeds, and Leicester are towns in England,
Holv is actually me )