Best Klutzy Poems
Dragon went to the mailbox this morn,
And he came excitedly flying back, yes, toward the house…
So Now, you should… be doubly, doubly, doubly forewarned.
Yep! Now, you GOTTA know… We’re in for a LOT of ensuing chaos!
Yes, He had a letter addressed to him…
With a smile on his face and a letter in his hand…
And what, you ask, had him wearing, such bubbly, bubbly, bubbly grin?
He’s going, this year, to the Fireman Competition, and held the invite so grand!
By Now, you must know, such excitement, so fine…
As usual, made his fire to run, run, run… onto the letter in hand…
And that Date, and the Time? You know, that fire? Well… never mind!
Thought this would slow Dragon? No way! He’s ready, now, for that Laurel Strand.
He flew to the Firehouse, lickety- split…
Crashing into the fire truck, giving it a broken axel and 4 tires flat, flat, flat!
Leaving his head, stuck, solidly, through the window, into the trucks cockpit…
Fortunately, out ran the fire chief, to organize the rescue, of our little dingbat…
When NOTHING ELSE would work, all the firemen…
Put their feet on the door, grabbing Dragon, and they pulled, pulled, pulled!
Finally, it took old Grandpa Troll to pull his head out, by taking the door off…
And then breaking the door apart! My! What a day, I must say, THIS had been!
Then next week’s competition was explained…
As a Charity Event to enhance and outfit their old faithful fire truck!
Now a little rescue practice will never, never, ever… it’s ascertained…
Ever be turned down! And Oh My! And Oh Well! What’s that truck worth?
That is… compared to our klutzy, little clown…
Grandpa Troll donated repairs as Dragon worked it off, day after day, after day.
My Moral is: If great you will be, then mistakes will be made along the way…
As you walk to your destiny, don’t despair; just keep going to your brighter days…
Written By Carol Eastman 5-19-2016
CAR COURT
Enter, the older heavyweight steel giant,
The bailiff, a 1954 Hudson, reads unhesitant :
On the docket for this morning : guilty by implication - a Trabant,
In close custody with a Cutlass Supreme for supervision.
Next on the docket: a Pinto for likely gas-tank explosion.
Third on the docket: an English-made car (any marque) - body corrosion.
Lawyer for the prosecution, a pretentious character, a gas guzzler SUV
4x4 off-road with winch - for Saturday use on driveway only -
Hangs out with Vettes; and uses NO2 in fuel. Who?Drugs? Not me!
Downbeat guy as the defence counsel , a solid no nonsense Hummer,
A real enviro-bummer,
Klutzy ugly and personality like a mack truck in summer.
Trabant coughed its way to the stand.
Clerk of court Volkswagen, order in hand,
Read the indictment quietly, efficiently, bland.
Prosecution began with noisy opening musical-horn tunelets
The jury, all serious-minded stolid Volvos and Toyota Starlets
Were not impressed. Hummer clumsily interrupted with an objection, “Let’s
Stop, on the grounds of precedent,” but at this point Pinto reversed,
Crushed its trunk and its gas-tank exploded, and worst ,
Hit the the English car : and into flames they both burst.
Cutlass argued with the SUV, which was winched away pending sentence.
Case against the English car dismissed from lack of evidence.
Trabant was deported back to Germany: no import licence
Overseeing all these proceedings : the ever-reliable, I-won’t-budge,
The I-have-a-spotless-reputation, I-hold-no-grudge,
The mechanical virgin, the silent Rolls Royce as judge.
...........................................................................................................
Santa Claus was bellowing, things were wacked,
the giant red sleigh was packed,
the reindeer weren't harnessed up,
he stomped in the snow, broke his cocoa cup.
Suddenly, there in the far end of the barn,
what he saw caused alarm,
Rudolph was playing poker,
he was blitzed, being a joker.
Santa's face was beet red,
"Rudolph, get harnessed for the sled!"
Well, Rudolph was lit up in the wrong way,
and slurred his words to disrespectfully say.
"Hey Santa, I'm not freezing my jingle bells,
in the sky tonight, I'm in a drunken spell,"
Morty, the klutzy moose was at the barn door,
"Santa, my fellow moose and I will get you off the floor!"
And, by golly, they took the sleigh into the night,
a team of moose led by Morty's benevolent might,
Christmas Eve was saved,
and Rudolph and his team were in shame.
Santa forgave them in a few days,
because they began to go to AA,
and, in the following New Year,
they were once again Santa's favorite reindeer!
She's thirty-three, single,
her Mom babysits her
five year old son.
She reassures herself it's
just two more hours,
then it's the blessed weekend.
Which means delicious sleep.
She has no nest egg,
she's just getting by.
There is one kind aging matron
who makes her lunch when she
cleans her large stately home.
Yet, other well-to-do homeowners
cast their false superiority heavy
in the air as she imagines wiping
off their smug faces with Pledge.
She hums to a catchy pop tune
while scrubbing toilets and
spraying down whirlpool bathtubs
as her muscles ache,
wishing she could soak in one.
Maid for the ungrateful,
she smiles remembering her
First Holy Communion,
her snow-white lacy veil,
with her rosary of pearlescent
ivory beads.
Then, a memory of
teenage politics of high school
with random daydreams like
impromptu snapshots.
Her lips and throat dry from
those wretched aerosol sprays,
always forgetting her face mask.
A few sips of tepid Gatorade,
as she softly prays her son will
excel in school.
Her learning disabilities held
her back despite her gift of
intelligence.
This day's cleaning was at the
home of a lawyer's snooty wife,
who was lunching with friends
after klutzy attempts at tennis
at the country club.
Maid for the ungrateful,
can hardly wait to get home
to soak her worn feet with
warm water and Epsom salt
in a porcelain basin. ~
I stepped on a lizard on new year's day,
then I slipped and I screamed
and hit my shoulder on the fridge,
toppling the chair,
scaring people at home.
Ahhh, klutzy me on the first day of the year
thinking now,
it is funny, when I imagine
myself sprawled on the floor.
In all honesty,
it was the thought of
killing the lizard that horrified me,
the act of hurting it
feeling that squish,
bruising that flesh,
breaking the itty itty bones
dear goodness,
how in the world can I step
on a lizard?!
imagine my sort of relief
to see the broken off tail
on the floor
thank God for survival mechanisms
the tail was still twitching,
another shorter piece fell off,
and yet I still wonder...
Is that lizard alive?
Did it actually make it?
Is it still hurting?
When will it heal?
Is it traumatized?
Was it pregnant?
I don't know why,
but that last question popped to mind
when I saw the shorter piece,
I even thought it was an egg...
Sighs.
I hope it's ok,
will be ok. I really do.
Sorry lizard, I truly am.
0101022014
A scarlet letter and a silent one
Transparent “A” on my forehead
Never seen, but you will know it’s there
Or see its effect, I can only fake it so long
Dad lives in a relative solitude; just what he prefers
Daughter’s got some of it too, much harder for a girl
The middleman’s also got a touch of it; lucky me!
Clownish, klutzy social dummy, how does your garden grow?
We’ll love you for who you are, so long as it’s what we are
Thanks anyway, just not wired to be a follower
Find someone else to stand on the lowest rung
And try to claw their way frantically upward
Mostly it's that I prioritize differently--
Rationality over belonging. Just a trifle, no?
You'd be surprised the enormity of that gulf.
Lifetime staring across it, only recently knowing why
"Don't be so hard on yourself, you’re normal,"
You try to reassure me, as if that’s a kindness
Stick around, friend-o, you’ll see,
Human social world’s design just not for me,
I await your furrowed brow.
You see, there's this thing called a mirror neuron
--Mine suck--
So I've had to painstakingly figure it all out
Instead of just knowing what to do or say,
Ever.
Pardon me, I did not ask for this burger
Never aspired to aspirate ass burgers
I didn’t invent this excrement. Couldn't. Wouldn't.
Your planet, not mine, folks.
4/21/16
For Contest: Own it!
Sponsor: Cyndi MacMillan
Wearing thick glasses
and braces on her buck teeth,
Professor Harriet carried
her pile of books while accidentally
stepping into the wet cement,
going into her lab to go wash up,
afterwards she decided to work
on a different kind of experiment,
tired of feeling nutty, mousey,
klutzy and insecure,
she whipped up a concoction
that would surely help her to score,
having a mad crush on one of
the other professors who also
like her had a very high I.Q.,
she wanted a relationship
that was more than "how
do you do?"
taking the lab beakers and
mixing her ingredients,
she guzzled down the
fizzing liquid speedily,
feeling at once more
attractive and confident,
this time when outside she
stepped around the wet cement,
going into the professor's break
room for a bite to eat,
she saw Professor Jerry
and sat beside him in
an empty seat,
batting her eyes and smiling
all the while,
Professor Jerry asked if something
was wrong with her eye,
Harriet nodded no and shook her
hair out of her bun,
swirling her long mane all around
and getting hair in all hers and
Prof. Jerry's open stunned mouth,
she apologized and asked Jerry out,
Jerry blushed, got up, tripped
and fell down,
saying shyly with his buck
teeth, "I guess so, why not!"
Harriet said how about after school,
he fumbled for his composure
and finally said, "alright!"
So a couple of hours later
Professor Harriet got ready
for her first date at age 38,
still feeling attractive and
confident at any rate,
all at once hearing her
door bell ring on time,
making sure she had an
extra dose for her date
of love potion number 9...
6 months later they
got married and settled
in the suburbs,
where today they live with
their 3 little kids who like them
wear thick glasses and
are all nutty brainiacs!
Pick up the plaid skirt curly,
ride to the rave party on the down low
Sneak out the lame pimple place early,
take the cutie to the Hush Hush ‘Mo ‘Mo
Trying to act playa Romeo ... like he know,
but those fumbling hands show
And the honey he brought,
she don’t know too much mo’
Amateur young lovers trying to be pros ...
mature triple X adult for the first time
But they be talking too much,
don’t know when to put the tongue
in the plug
How to get wired ... get electrocuted love
They don’t tell each other that they really don’t know,
so they continue to put on a clumsy show
She talks a titillating tart Juliet,
but she ain’t a grown woman yet
Her body says she’s good to go —
but she don’t know how to pick up the pole,
and vault to the next love level tho’
And the rookie Casanova, with the limp bent noodle,
ain’t got a French poodle clue what to Irish lip doodle
So they continue on with their comedic vaudeville shuffle :
Dumbo gives the bimbo Bambi girl
a hasty, upstairs wardrobe malfunction
This gets dizzy Dolly’s bra flapping like a pigeon
runway model at a pantomime luncheon
Fanny Panty Brice and Klutzy Superfly
starring in a “Dingbat Does Doofus” short sex life
Silly-o omelette loving ... screw ups by the dozen
Doh boy’s first diddle muffins never got into the oven,
cuz he couldn’t get the rise inside the Twinkie to grow
Donut hole girl never got the cream-filled poke ladle straddle,
cuz she couldn’t turn the soft soft wood into hard hard paddle
No tell no ‘mo
what you say you know ... but don’t
No tell no ‘mo
what you say you can do ... but your IQ won’t
No tell no ‘mo
what you say you know ... but you really don’t
No tell no ‘mo
what you say you can do ... but don’t know how
to
make the bosom udders give up
the moo-moo
Baby woodpecker wearing a baby chef rubber hat,
take your baby beaver apron
unloosed string bow
and naked fetch the how-to-milk stool now
No tell no ‘mo
what you say you can do ... but don’t know how
Get the ‘Mo ‘Mo
moo-moo tail tongue pail — Right now!
And go out to
the barn and learn how to milk the cow
Gobble
Gobble gobble,
that's what they say,
nearly every day...
I go out to greet them.
I go out to meet them.
I go out to feed them,
I need them,
as they make me laugh.
They are clumsy they are klutzy,
they are ballerinas in training too.
I mean to tell you...
all
about
them.
They have long necks,
and big feet,
not to mention
they will eat...
everything you don't want them to,
and nothing that you do.
The silly birds...
ride around on the goats.
They are like parade floats.
They walk in the water trays,
and swim in the trough.
I tell you turkeys over chickens
are a little off.
Once there was a Klutzy Duck
Had problems day and night – yuck
Until he came across a young Dragon that was also out of luck
They started a conversation and found that both had incidences that suck
Dragon showed the Duck that his friends could help and do a pick-me-up
Duck also shared his experiences and remarked on the new friendship struck
They laughed and found that together they could take their moments out of the muck
We won’t mention that the Dragon and Duck were sitting on a new Chevy truck
Now the owner of the vehicle, a guy named Puck
Found muddy Dragon and Duck prints all over that had stuck
I knocked over another glass of water today
wait
today it was only a bit of water and lots of ice
If I had a nickel for every glass I had knocked over lately
I could refinish my bathroom floor with nickels
I could never trust myself with a glass of juice
Hoping those sticky messes are behind me
Especially grape juice
I won’t even allow that in the house
It stains everything
Time for some giggles
Now what shall I write?
About klutzy old Jack?
Should be a delight!
Been quite renowned
For his blunders at times
Here are a few
Of his more classical kind!
Riding his bike
Passing a parked car
Door opens... a collision...
He falls on his ****!
Floating on icebergs
And under some bridges
Berg disappears...
Water quite frigid!
Trying to impress
This acquaintance of old
Talked for a while
And walked into a pole!
Oblivious, don't notice
While strolling with friends
A crotch high stake...
Doubled over I bend!
They weren't always funny
Well not at the time
Luckily, the injuries
Weren't the serious kind!
© Jack Ellison 2014
Time for some funnies
Now what shall I write?
About klutzy old Jackles?
Should be a delight!
Been quite renowned
For his blunders at times
Here are a few
Of his more classical kind!
Riding his bike
And passing parked cars
Door opens... a collision...
He falls on his ****!
Floating on icebergs
And under some bridges
Berg disappears...
Water temperature's frigid!
Trying to impress
This acquaintance of old
Talked for a while
Then walk into a pole!
Oblivious, don't notice
While strolling with friends
A crotch high stake...
Doubled over I bend!
They weren't always funny
Well not at the time
Luckily, the injuries
Weren't the serious kind!
My name is unimportant,
I can barely speak out loud.
Your beauty strikes my heart
And I am in a cloud
I love you, pretty lady.
More than the woman that works at Denny’s.
Your hair is like fine straw,
And colored bright like honey.
If I were sw’ave and classy de…bonair,
I would buy a horse and take you to the movies.
I am a little left of right and up from center.
But I know you are the one.
Marry me, Princess of the rainbow.
Color my world with crayons, let them never bleed.
Make me laugh and sing,
My very best friend, My future, My queen.
Look this is not a ‘Bang Up To The Elephant’ poem
It splits licks like ‘Bit Buttered Up The Bacon’ but
Come on don’t we poets like forgotten phrases
Klutzy Kai is not ‘Smothering A Parrot’ does not drink
Except those mysterious phrases that do not ‘Kill The Canary’
To win or not to win a contest is not the quirky question
Yours truly is ‘Mad As Hops’ but not ‘Tight As A Boiled Owl’
Such a ‘Tatur-Trap’ ‘Dash My Wig’
Pure ‘Skilamalink ‘Umber-Cum-Stumble’ ‘Whooperups’
Lost in ‘Battyfang’ ‘Podsnappery’
Irksome or ‘Goddie gum drops’ 'Jolly Hockey Sticks'
To the tee and ‘Damfino’ if Kai knows what he means but his
'Saucebox’ had ‘Nanty Narking’ now ? Splickety Licks?
08th April 2018
Written for the Acrostic Contest 'Lickety Split'
I used the plural deliberately, because words come very rapidly.