Best Comedy Poems
Panicked trips down the rabbit hole goes as follows,
Far beneath the depths and hollows.
Way before first breath of plaque,
Meaningless so void and vague.
Til death you see we meet again,
Born to die and live to sin.
Time is out and toll the bell,
Body in the wishing well.
The truth of lies is in between,
No justice here, no peace is seen.
Make it stop, please go away,
Forget the past, you rue the day.
We are all alone no one to blame,
Count your years and spell your name.
Ride your bikes and play a game.
Earn your keep and your father’s name.
The ship has sunk and now we float,
No need to send a rescue boat.
For I shall die here anyway,
For I shall die here any day.
I’ve dug too deep you see I’m blind,
I’ve lost my soul I’ve lost my mind.
i am made up
in equal parts of what i believe
and
in equal parts, i believe in
what i am made up of.
you break me down and you've got
equalityfreedomwomansrightsproch
oiceantibullyingantistigma-
herpes.
it makes no difference to
you
what happens when I take my pants
off.
but somewhere along the line I
became a
**** a whore a promiscuous little girl
with no rules and regulations about
who
sticks their dick inside me until I'm
infected with everything wrong in the
world-
herpes.
they sell you protection in the form of
condom boxes,
tied up in ribbons that say things
like,
happy anniversary happy birthday
happy Thursday happy **** me
happy little ***** at the bar i can get
my hands onto.
sex education is
vacant and expressionless and
i fell victim to
don't get pregnant don't get pregnant
don't.
get.
pregnant.
oh **** what the **** is happening to
my insides and my outsides and
please dear god let the burning stop.
this isn't some blame game,
this isn't some speech,
this is a plea and a please stop
satirizing my life
with your late night comedy show
jokes about my ******.
my herpes
not yours
not my next door neighbors
not the pharmacists
not the doctors
not yours.
So get down off your high horse and
try to figure out how
you
will avoid an infection that affects
80% of the population and why
we are all so damn afraid of it.
Herpes isn't hereditary but ignorance
is.
Wah-ooo, wah-ooo,
Oo-oo, oo-oo, oo.
Wah-ooo, wah-ooo,
Oo-oo, oo-oo, oo.
Walkin' dow-nuh street
On me achy feet
Allah li'l birdies go
Tweet tweet tweet
Wah-ooo, wah-ooo,
Oo-oo, oo-oo, oo.
Not gonna crawl
In frunnuh you all
Maybe gonna hide unner
A sheet, sheet, sheet.
Ah-ooo, ah-ooo,
Oo-oo, oo-oo, oo.
My image was dull drab and dreary
(It hadn’t be changed for a while)
I thought that my hair had potential
... It was time I updated my style
But the last time that I’d had a haircut
I hadn’t been pleased with my “do”
I’d lost half my hair – though I’m certain I'd said
“Not too much – just an inch, maybe two”
So I thought “Why not go for a colour?”
No need for a salon for that
Just pick up a packet whilst shopping
and hang my head over the bath”
It was time that I tried something different
“Mousy brown” was my natural shade
But I wanted dramatic I needed a change
(and to knock several years off my age)
So I checked all the products on offer
“Nice and Easy” one packet said
Be it platinum blonde, jet black, (even blue)
just mix it and pour on your head
I picked one that said “Cos I’m worth it”
... I was worthy of glamour and glitz
I read the instructions, I did what they said
(I didn’t miss out any bits)
And the guide on the back of the packet said
My natural colour would mean
That my hair would have rich reddish wood tones
(with a truly remarkable sheen)
But the result that I got was quite different...
It was (without being too harsh)
Not “red wooded tones” but more “cowpat green”
(The colour of wet bogging marsh)
A disaster of epic proportions
My attempts at coiffure D.I.Y
I needed an expert to save it
(A stylist who could “Do or Dye”)
I rang a salon that could help me...
Said they’d soon have my hair looking nice
Which they did (…..after five hours labour
and a frightening three-figure price)
So when you see them all smiles in the advert
With glorious tresses in shot
Don’t be fooled when they tell you
“You’re worth it”…
I've tried it...
Believe me...
I'm Not!
Licky butt, oh, licky butt
Lick your bum my lovely puppy
Gonna feed you a dead guppy
It's belly up
So feed it to the pup.
The Rocky Horror Picture Show ~ Starring Tim Curry as Dr. Frank-N-Furter,
Content Warning: Schlock Horror
Elements of the unintentional humor of B horror
Ripped fishnet stockings, glitter, and a shapely contour
A kitschiness and campiness that seems to be winking at you
Shades of burlesque, cabaret broad and a bawdy review
Glam era, British popular culture “Glam Rock”
Working title, They Came from Denton High provoked talk
All the while filming took place during autumn
Seductive sequined gold swallow-tail coat slit on the bottom
A tribute to many a horror movie from the 30’s, a parody
And the science fiction genre threw the 70’s exuding hilarity
From concept to cult, the grin and the guile
A classy campy clown, red ruby lips, and a flashy smile
The midnight showing at the Vogue Théâtre, you’d find us there
A classic musical-comedy and bone-chilling delight we’d share
Remembering Tim Curry RIP 1946-2026
While watching comedians on TV
Sure wish one of those guys was me
Making people laugh
It would be such a gas
I'd even perform on stage for free
© Jack Ellison 2015
I expect to find something funny in dying.
The bed unkempt like my hair
The room musty as my odor
The air moist
Unlike the dry rasp of my barely audible voice
My breathing labored as the crawling of the Sun
And in the eve the moon fullest at the last
And I will laugh with the man-in-the-moon
At the whatever-after.
Gangster Comedy
Poem
Lionel Derbyshire
Shooty shooty bang bang ####
Dark alley
" siete sulla mia terra ? ..
* o ouais vous êtes une star .. bastard !
" andando a saltare in su Frenchie
* Oh yeah !! pas cher vienna
" ok lungo naso barboncino francese!
Shooty shooty bang bang ####
* hey tête de salami attendre une minute s'il vous plaît
" perché è questo frenchy ??
* comment vous connaissez mon nez est long?
" si sporge da un angolo!
" È per questo che so che sei qui Frenchy
* ah merci Mr patate! ne vous dérange si je tire maintenant?
" Vi do il piacere ..
* Je vous remercie
Shooty shooty bang bang ##
" hi Frenchy possiamo gangster in inglese si prega ?
£ Good evening ol chap ...
lovely alley to shootout..
dont you think?
£ Just marvelous old boy..
How is Agnes and the kids ..?
£ Bloodygood bloody good My Lord !
£ Ay i fancy that ... A i fancy .
£ Good night then me' lord
€ And a jolly good night to you Baron ..
Halt! Wer geht dahin !
Choochi chichi pookie boo!!
Choochi chichi pookie boo!!!
€The wives are callin us for diner Baron
Zorro ..
Yo sólo soy un francotirador español..
Today, I climbed a high mountain.
Mountain where I shout my disapproval.
Disapproval of today’s social illnesses.
Illnesses shattering the life on earth.
Earth, our valuable mother.
Our kind mother’s mind’s unhappy today.
Today, days are red and prickly to dismay.
No walks but talks of wounds and worries.
Worries symbolizing contemporary sorrows.
Sorrows as the sun’s been sent off brightness.
Blazing conflicts for misery with societal evils.
Evils of acute and endless sticking on power.
Power of killing your people and feeling a doer.
Happy becoming the almighty guide.
For polygamy and alcohol abuse push wide.
Here and there dangle abuse and corruption.
Corruption and police harassment in evolution.
Harassment causing animosity and nausea.
Disorder, anarchy and negligence for criteria.
In media, tribalism and phobia en vogue.
Tribalism and ostracism feeding conflicts.
Wars predicting our fateful future in shifts.
The future’s now plunked in deep black darkness,
Slaughtering hope and causing death in a mess.
Death buries us all, and evil’s no more comedy.
Poem by Mugisho N Theophile
enough of the comedy routine
i've grown
tired of myself
Hello my name is Pizza
It's me you wants tuh eatsa
You want with lotsa meatsa?
The fave of the Tsaritza!
Poe was always revising his prose between publications. Here are the longest extended versions of sentences he shortened for their final publication in his lifetime:
"We loved each other with a love that was more than love, more love than fit in an empty grotes bag, more than the love of worms if you were a hungry, hungry catfish."
"I became insane, with long intervals of sanity, then more insanity, then sane for a while, then my brain got all twisted up and went mad, then I got better. I've lost track."
"All that we see or seem is but a dream within a dream, within another dream, within a rusty tubular tin box of sewing needles made into the handle of a doll's hairbrush."
"Believe only half of what you see, nothing of what you hear, three quarters of what you taste, one-tenth of what you feel, but the entirety of what you smell."
"Those who dream by day are cognizant of many things which escape those who dream only by night, as for example bats, yes bats, did you know you could leave the cage door open in the bright of day and your bats will go nowhere."
"Sleep, those little slices of death, how I loathe them, also the neighbor's nippy little dog, egads I hate that dog."
"If you wish to forget anything on the Spot, make a note that this thing is to be remembered, then tie it to Spot's collar, and turn him loose in some terrible neighborhood where people eat dogs."
"To elevate the soul, poetry is necessary, also those little candy root beer barrels."
"I felt that I breathed an atmosphere of sorrow, but it was Catterina that farted."
"I fell violently on my face, rolled to my side, grunted horrible grunts of gruntlyness, then flopped onto my back and waved my arms all about, still grunting."
"Darkness and Decay and the Red Death held illimitable dominion over all, while Catterina licked her paws and I felt around in my pocket for my last dime but all I found was a raggedy little hole."
Don't eat the bear
and the bear won't eat you
Don't stomp on flowers
Don't spit on the dew
If you are a bad person
your life will worsen
But if you are good
then there's no need for cursin'
Yoi yoi la la la la yoi yoi la.
Lucille (“Lucy”) Ball
Her desire for show biz fame is anything but small
Plays the wife of Ricky the Cuban drummer
How she goes about it could not be funnier.
Desi (“Ricky”) Arnaz
A full-time job reining in his kooky wife he has
Loves Lucy with all his heart
And his conniving Lucy is extremely smart!
FIRST PLACE WINNER
written September 29, 2021
especially for "Clerihew 2" poetry contest
sponsored by Joseph May