Best Beard Poems
IF I HAD A WHITE BEARD
(tune: If I Were a Rich Man)
If I had a white beard
Ho ho rudolph ho ho blitzen ho ho merry christmas hum
All year long, I’d merry christmas hum
If I had a fluffy beard (haa!)
I wouldn’t have to diet.
Ho ho rudolph ho ho blitzen ho ho merry christmas hum
If I had a fluffy fluffy white jingle-jangle-jingle-jangle beard
I’d gift the kids, each year with toys by the millions
Built by big hearted elves up North
They work long days with hot cocoa drinks in hand
There would be one sleigh jingle just going up
And one sleigh jangle coming down
And one more jingle jangle down the hole
For some the coal is gift as chimney smoke clears my boots
Then the reindeer makes a sound
Honking just as merrily as they can
And each shake of the ho, be it show, be it clang, be it off
Would sound like a jingle of the bells
As if to say, “Here lives a fluffy beard”
If I had a white beard
Ho ho rudolph ho ho blitzen ho ho merry christmas hum
All year long, I’d merry christmas hum
If I had a fluffy beard (haa!)
I wouldn’t have to diet.
Ho ho rudolph ho ho blitzen ho ho merry christmas hum
If I had a fluffy fluffy white jingle-jangle-jingle-jangle beard
12/1/2021
Written just for fun!!
Red Beard laughed at this lad
Stumbled on the wrong ship he had
Stowing away on a pirate vessel
Turned himself in not even a wrestle
Stout young lad must be at least ten
He wasn’t sure of the trouble he was in
To the plank cast him aside!
Then the boys knees buckled….he cried
Red Beard yanked him up and stared deep
Some use of this boy, if I want to keep
To the crew or to the sea? Red Beard thought
A pupil to over see if well taught
“Take him below!” are his orders
“Food and water in my quarters”
The boy moved quickly at the thought of food
Take his mind off of his saddened mood
A feast laid before his weary eyes
Hot bread and large chicken thighs
Warm milk and cool fresh water too was in store
He ate and ate till he couldn’t anymore
It was eve before the Captain appeared
The boy was asleep his mind without fear.
Into his arms the boy went
Carried to the cot for his rent
An orphan too, was this pirate knave
Maybe this child he could save
Schooling was what first struck his mind
A great teacher was hard to find
Sailing and piracy was all he knew
“I want more for this lad. A start anew.”
…..A rapping came to the cabin door
Urgent business he had to make sure
“What is it?” Bellowed a voice
“A British flag and jack a hoist!”
A war galleon was on the horizon
A battle was on the rising
Santa says come sit on my knee little girl
Got something to show you, see it twirl
Touch it if you'd like
I'll bring you a bike
Notice how Santa's beard started to curl
© Jack Ellison 2013
Phil’s caveman look is very weird
He really should shave off his beard
His mother is right
He looks a strange sight
The Neanderthal look’s to be feared!
Since December Phil’s been hirsute
He needs to give his beard a boot
He’ll cut it off in the sink
But his mum won’t cause a stink
Cos without it he looks real cute!
Poem Posted with Kind permission of Phillip Garcia
To understand the poem please read my comments on Phillip's poem
https://www.poetrysoup.com/poem/3443_or_t_minus_44_880105
02~26~17
BEARD MATH
1 Forgetful
2 Cute
4 Fashionable
8 Dubious
16 Homeless
32 Hermit
64 Penniless
128 Scruffy
256 Suspicious
512 FBI Line-up Candidate
1024 Terrorist
2048 Circus Peformer
4096 Saint
…………………………………………………………….
NOTE
As the number of days doubles since your last shave,
observers mentally put you into the next category.
Some call me looney, some call me weird
Some people wonder what I'd look like with no beard
You don't want to know
It's a horrible show
It can easily turn accolades to resounding jeers
© Jack Ellison 2015
Grandma's Beard
Once the great grandma had beard;
But the goat had a kick for her beard.
For a pageant he hired it one day
And never returned.
Look, he wears it till today!
(Limerick )
His beard was as white as pure snow
And look'd like the Santa that you all know
He washes it with rice
And keeps it so nice
And each day rubs it hard to make grow!
Dorian Petersen Potter
Aka ladydp2000
Copyright2014
September, 8, 2014
There once was a man with a beard.
That people thought was extremely weird.
He shaved it away
On a bright sunny day.
And now he's tremendously feared.
I grew a beard to not have to shave,
I grew a beard to age,
Ripe in color, Brown, black, red and Silver entwined,
I grew a beard, now the kids think I want to be Bret Favre,
I grew a beard so I wouldn't have to shave,
the razor on my neck gone baby gone
Where are the scissors I need a trim....
Had a beard since nineteen sixty-two
Hate to think what's underneath
Might even be a family of boat people
Maybe an old Christmas wreath
Heard that it's even quite possible
Animals have been known to survive
In the depth of my hairy countenance
Where they multiply and thrive
Haven't felt much movement lately
Though sometimes I feel a twinge
Perhaps whatever is living in there
May have gone on a drunken binge
Bottom line is I'll still have this beard
When they lower me into the ground
Don't dare shave it off for fear little beasties
Will leap out and scurry around
© Jack Ellison 2012
Had a beard since nineteen sixty-two
Hate to think what's underneath
Might even be a family of boat people
Maybe an old Christmas wreath
Heard that it's even very possible
For animals to flourish and survive
In the depth of my hairy countenance
Where they multiply and thrive
But I haven't felt any movement lately
Though sometimes I do feel a twinge
Perhaps whatever is living in there
May have gone on a drunken binge
Bottom line is I'll still have this beard
When they lower me into the ground
Don't dare shave for fear little beasties
Will leap out and scurry around
© Jack Ellison 2015
Some call me looney, some call me weird
Some people wonder what I'd look like with no beard
You don't want to know
It's a horrible show
It can easily turn accolades to resounding jeers
Old Ferdie had a bushy beard
when bathing some birds just appeared
two cocks and a hen
a rook and a wren
were nesting, it truly was weird!
Inspired after spotting a man with a HUGE beard
1/2/19
(This is a fictional poem)
My girlfriend used to be in a circus because she has a beard.
She thinks it makes her look sexy but it really makes her look weird.
People point and laugh wherever we go.
I asked her to shave it off but she said no.
this is getting to be too much for me to bear.
I kissed her last night and I got a mouthful of hair.
I tried to shave it off while she was sleeping but she broke my arm.
The one thing that this lady lacks is charm.
At one time I really did love her.
But now i'm going crazy because I can't get rid of her.