Short Haggis Poems

A haggis,tatties and neeps
Cock-a-leckie soup
A vegetable 'haggis'
Drambuie truffles
Whiskey syllabub
One or two
drams !...

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Chicken breasts with whiskey trace
Stuffed rich with oatmeal
Heart, liver and onion mix
Spiced to ones taste buds
Folded, oven bound
Pepper sauce
Nice!...

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no waste
odd taste

strange dish
haggis

Scotch hype
beef tripe

entrails
pig's tails

fish heads
sweetbreads

offal
awful

January 23, 2013...

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His name was Mr Hamish MacTavish.
He was a Scot, and his taste was lavish.
Mr MacTavish wrote a posh cookery book
So all Cordon Bleu Chefs could try to cook,
A haggis!...

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Awful

       Gob full...

                 Wrawful

                          Offal.
     
                       Haggis up for an awful gob full;

                  Toasting the bard with wrawful offal!




18.01.22


Composed for Kim Rodrigues'
Write Me A Tyburn...

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Mary Haggis, little clown
With beak like blighted crows
And scary hair all lit aflame
Is where the woodbine grows.








"Mary Haggis" is reprinted here from 
PETS GIVEN IN EVIDENCE OF OLD ENGLISH WITCHCRAFT
AND OTHER BEWITCHED BEINGS 
(Minneapolis: Sidecar Preservation Society, 2016)....

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The last time someone dropped into our pool,

it broke our concentration for crock school.

I didn’t join the food frenzy,

prefer Scots called Mackenzie.

So take this one mates, silk chutes bind my stool!


* For the “To Die for Limerick” contest. Hard to tell crock or gator from this magnification....

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One  bonny day
I kilt me chicken,
Stirred eem inta me pot
For me soup to thicken.

I ate me some Haggis
An a scone or two,
After I kilt me cow
Ta make me stew.

Had ta put down me ol dog 
Cause he kilt me ol cat,
Then I dug heem a hole 
Way off in da back.

Den I picked up me pipes
And piped a sad lilt,
Wearing me ragged ol Tam
And me dusty ol kilt....

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Tripe, sweetbreads, entrails, offal,
some people spell them awful.
Scottish chefs can do them right
Haggis, a meal, out of sight. 

Making a proper meatball sandwich
is virtual what-not-who and which
needing perhaps some extra spice
supply it with a bit of Scotch hype.

The last, best organ 'grinder' that I got
was on Panera Bread’s French baguette, hot.
Barrel-shaped bread held tight as treasure
the tin cup for the drink of my pleasure....

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The farmer said to the cow
Be quiet you old sow
To which she replied
I am not a pig, I am a mooing cow!
He looked at her mockingly
Saying "That is yet to be determined"
She huffed and puffed as he called the butcher.

Whether she was a cow, or a pig or even a one legged chicken
She is now the silent one.

For on the table she sits
A rightful dish along with the haggis
The Fox shall enjoy his menu de la soir
Roasted and basted
Merry Christmas to one and all!...

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Looked outside and a
Lavender rhinoceros
Was staring at me

Some call me loopy
That's a compliment to me
Silly people rock

Every time I sneeze
I piddle in me trousers
And poop my knickers

I dress like a bum
Cause I don't care anymore
I'm retired now

Hugging can lead to
Something other than friendship
An enlarged belly

Men shouldn't ever
Go naked in the winter
Stuff just might fall off

What does a Scottie
Wear under his tartan kilt
Small bits of haggis


© Jack Ellison 2013...

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