Long Rectum Poems

I met a proper woman in a proper pub on a Monday in Peoria. It was noon, time for lunch, and we were sitting stool to stool over very large burgers at a long mahogany...

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Ace colonoscopy doctor Kellen Karl Kovalovich

revisited January 23rd, 2024
on the evening before yours truly
(the one and only Matthew Scott Harris),
a stand up comic wannabe, who
historically heartily hales 
from Schwenksville, Pennsylvania
undergoes oh joy rapture colonoscopy.

Three days...

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Introduction: one of the nice aspects of having an oeuvre as a poet is the ability to see where you have changed over the years. this is such a poem where i can see the...

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An anticlimactic sexual event...

with Barb Black née Beebee
to help set the ghost
of little Willy Brandt free
(a non German, but germane fellow  
courtesy Craigslist classified
personals of mine invitee
she replied, I took liberty
to Google her first...

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Date  June 2024
A large group  picketed outside 
Of the toilet paper factory. 
People held picket
Signs marching in a circular line.
The Group chanted: 
Revolters deserve better bottom
Paper on this caper!  The group
Became bigger...

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Ace colonoscopy doctors Kellen Karl Kovalovich
and Larry Borowsky

Though necessary to down: 
four Dulcolax laxative tablets, 
quaff half 238 gram bottle of Miralax 
over span of eight hours, 
and if necessary even one Fleets Enema, 
I...

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A field day shoe fit for Mother Goose
  
Fruitless effort squeezing figurative juice
Pandora called triggering 
helter skelter to get loose
necessitating Bullwinkle J. Moose
to usher at yours truly 
(an aspiring wordsmith) vamoose!

Hey diddle diddle the...

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Mother Goose would find her tail feathers ruffled 

Hey diddle diddle 
the cat and the fiddle
when off to see 
a crooked man and woman,
whilst cowards jumped 
over moo ving little
pair of mismatched muggles,
who both walked...

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Ability to defecate wildly swings (both ways)...
between incontinence and constipation

Irritable bowel syndrome i.e.
the former excretory bout I address
the above (polite way to phrase diarrhea)
and avoid moon efficient cheekiness,
yours truly doth buttress,
a literal warranted pain in...

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Hey diddle diddle the cat and the fiddle
   when off to see a crooked man and woman
whilst cowards jumped over moo ving little
   pair of mismatched muggles, 
   who...

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Defecation clogged toilet bowl...
courtesy prescription laxative AMITIZA

and found (me) zee papa pooped out,
thus embarrassing communiqué I post,
a reasonably rhyming poetic shout
to air grievances
concerning outsize bowel movement
hoping (fat/slim chance)
Mike Rowe happens tubby about,
though shadow of doubt
he...

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Learning when/how to close seat then...
flush... the toilet with good frisson!

Bull leave me you, though how bison
teen and juvenile 
from a sixty four year old
married male no less!

(alternately titled long windedly
using lower case letters:
no matter...

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Learning when/how to close seat then...
flush... the toilet with good frisson!

(alternately titled long windedly
using lower case letters:
no matter tidily bowled over based
upon real events, perhaps subject devoid
of literary merit and/or taste
no embarrassment, cuz
I got nothing...

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Purgative debacle debilitated me December 18th, 2020

Hoop fully adequately explains
source of odoriferous dry rot,
ye possibly smell, I jot
within this reasonable rhyme
without putting Johnny on the spot
my absence NOT attending fellowship,
today December 20th, 2020
albeit remotely, cuz...

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wishing he had sung his prayers last night
from both ends to the middle
fell to the ground in adoration
tore a wake through the ink stains
but not from satisfaction
plastic Jesus hold my head
a round of applause for...

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Defecation clogged toilet bowl courtesy metamucil..
and found (me) zee papa pooped out

Anal eyes zing thee
nightly dump for yesterday
July 8th, 2020 - whereby
plunger helped obstruction give way
I nearly lost me life and limb oy vey

oh my...

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Good morning Poison Squirrels,
Today I am going to address your bowel problems

My class groans.
We don’t like to think about them.
We are teens.

Your mouth chews up food, right? Asks Mr. Lee.
Our science teacher is way too...

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DON DIDDY'S DEEDS
 
Diddy, the daring, dashing dude,
Dabbled in dalliances, oh so crude.
Darting through dreams, dollars, and deucing.
Dangling diamonds & jewels, with his schuffel dancing.4

Diddy dabbled, dashingly with deals & diamonds,
Emotionally locking Cassie, his victims...

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I have seen so much of life how can I
Give meaning to the moving parts
The ass long dead on the playfield breathing still
Until some boy accurate with a stone
Hit the gut, as from the rectum...

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Saturday Night

Smoked cigarette butts in
The cup of runny-mud-thick cold minestrone soup
Half gone
My inebriated head melts
Into my numb hairless fingers, hang nails hung over from
A sober week at the office
Half a dream
A purple man steals my...

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aside from being worn 
     during mortal kombat firmly braced
full body armor suited up 
     with proctologists safely positioned
 
     most definitely
 ...

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I dreamt of a washing machine,
In colours so obscene,
Of shades of caffeine,
It washed everything that was clean,
To a shiny muddy unclean,
It was part of it's routine,
It was never to fond of hygiene,
I found an old...

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What Did We Get Stuck in 2012

The doctors in the OR had a busy time this year
Freeing things that got stuck in rectum, nose or ear
Or any other orifice that lies within our bod
The list...

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Dark is black and black is dark; this is the day we did depart. No more saying it’s ok, no more hugs to take the pain away. You left me as if in rain and...

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Dejected on my bed this morn, I lay while contemplating,
what seems to be a day to face, I’m really quite unwilling
The peaceful place that used to be for me was so inspiring,
has come to be...

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