Best Shopper Poems
I want to shop on Valentine's
but haven't got a date.
I'd buy myself some roses
if it wasn't for I'm straight.
Some chocolate hearts would fill my gut
and card say "I Love You".
But signing it would be in vain
and thanks would never do.
Coupons for a hug and kiss
would make my rainy day.
But everytime I cashed one in
I'd feel a littly gay.
Letters written to my love
would only creep me out.
And knowing they were meant for me
would surely leave no doubt.
Songs of love would fill my heart
if it was meant to be.
But knowing I'm a single guy
would make me want to flee.
Home cooked meals would seal the deal
and I could eat for two.
Until I'm fat and throw me back.
And still have plenty to chew.
a woman who stood four foot two
went shopping to buy some shampoo
with shoppers aghast
a snob clerk let blast
madam what a meager hairdo.
Try 'em
Buy 'em
For Brian's April Footle contst Won 3rd place
She bade farewell to Prada and Gucci shoes, and said hello to Pucci, and Jimmy Choo.
A love affair that didn’t last, finished by lunch, it was over that fast.
Next was tea at three fifteen, with Mr. Alexander, last name, McQueen.
Soon, he too was ancient history, since she, moved on to Fendi and Givenchy.
What next? I promised not to tell, but I think it’s Canali, Chloe, and Chanel.
The moral of this story? Shop fast, shop hard, and use daddy’s credit card.
I am a shopper
That’s what I claim to be
Just look in my closet
And you’ll have to agree
Penney’s, Kohl’s and TJMaxx
Oh, how I wish you didn’t charge tax
You have the power to make my day
I search for a bargain
And never dismay
When I find an aisle
With a good array
I smile and say hooray
This is the way
I like to spend my day
BJ Cuber
Note: To the tune of "Little Drummer Boy"
Come, they sold me, to Macy’s this year
The perfect gifts await for holiday cheer
I’ll push and shove my way through the crowd
Cuss if I don’t succeed, for crying out loud
Stomp on feet of shoppers with my heels
Clear a path to line's front as everyone reels
Bent o’er in pain they grouse, “Who is this cruel witch?”
And I scream back to them in a very high pitch
To reach fine gifts I create travesty
Then single-handedly grab the last Nativity
Baby Jesus is smiling at me
What have I done to find Thee
Done to find Thee
Sadly, I glimpse back at those I’ve attacked
And hand the manger scene to one farther back
The truest gift we find is not on the shelves
We’ll never find this gift within our lost selves
If we forget to share the holiday joys
With shopping schemes and ill-conceived ploys
Make way for kinder shoppers courteously
To find the greatest gift called humanity
Just leave the shops behind and visit your church
And bow before His grace from the pew as you perch
Baby Jesus is smiling at me
For now I’ve found Thee
Now I’ve found Thee
I made a secret shop today...
Drove to downtown Tampa Bay
We dined for free, or so they say
It's a lot of work for meager pay...
Timing the waiter's every action
While noting each tiny infraction
Caused me plenty of dissatisfaction
That will be my final interaction...
Incognito
I've felt the joy of spending money.
Approaching lust and finding.
A piece of meat that's red in flavor.
The package sealed for binding.
Another step to finding more.
The next thing to your heart.
An item grabbed; the more I have.
A basket full to start.
The rush to cash and it's cashier
as happiness from here.
Your plastic cards both rich and full
that caution's bringing fear.
The cashier rushed to smile at you.
Her greetings roar sincere.
Your items scanning past the cash
as patience's proven here.
A quick thanks to and your receipt
to pack your bags with treats.
You hurry off towards your car
and once again the streets.
The ride for home a pleasant one.
Your comfort forcing thrill.
Arriving in a gentle calm
to know you bought your fill.
Your welcome home a quiet one.
You cart your groceries in.
Then sit them on the table top
just thankful that you've been.
You say you'll go another day
for more of what you need.
In spite of having everything
and having just been freed.
To know it's been a perfect day
for spending all your cash.
Excitement for a whole new life
until your tired and crash.
Who hexed the price?
Made the bargain lose its luster
Who’s selling dull kitchenware knives?
Trying to cut away consumer confidence
There’s no hand lotion in the ladies room,
ain’t no winning boil in the big Lotto cauldron
Can’t get no good juju from a synthetic broom,
you shouldn’t bought the stockings with the run
Superstitions
got you banging your head
on a mirror
Unlucky shopper
got you tossing your checkbook
in a debt river
And the cash back
got snatched by a black cat
selling snake oil in a makeshift shack
Superstitious shopper when will you learn,
never buy expired dated bulk
Sales paper sulk ... misprints are a common tact,
so don’t purchase things off the “No return” rack
Who jinxed the sale?
Made the register wave a red flag
And you’re steaming mad,
some manager changed the numbers
on the coveted item price tag
What janxed the espresso machine?
Got you strolling thru the mall
cutting the cheese ... passing the beans
Superstitions
got you swiveling your head
like a spinning top
Unlucky shopper
got your wobbly cart rolling over
the foot of a mall cop
Another search down a wrong aisle,
another inexplicable credit denial
Superstitious shopper when will you learn,
not to buy the candles that don’t burn
And the fine print said:
no frequent flyer miles were earned
You just bought yourself
seven more years of back luck
that can’t be returned
A monday morning shopper -- and have been for many years
but recently the traffic queues have brought me close to tears
and not wishing to give up my favourite supermarket run
I realised at last that something simply must be done
Now, Tuesday is as good a day as any in the week
There was nowt much on the telly and the soaps were looking bleak
So I grabbed some bags, my keys, my phone, my wallet and my wife
I looked her in the eyes and said "I'm gonna change your life!"
The sun had set behind us as we pulled up to the store,
The carpark all but empty - It was always full before.
We stepped out into peace and quiet, elbow room to spare,
No fear of dings in doors, we were relaxed – a carefree pair.
Inside, the store, so quiet – were they closed? I thought they might,
But a smiling worker answered “No, not till 10, Saturday night!”
And as it was only Tuesday ( and Tuesdays are not much fun )
We grabbed a trolley each and got the whole months shopping done.
We started at the top and swished serenely through the aisles,
No need to stop for traffic as we gobbled up the miles.
Alighting here and there to gather offers that were best,
Like worker bees with honey or birds feathering their nest.
The atmosphere, so calm, there simply was no need to race,
So we took our time and set a less than normal racing pace.
And by the time we reached the till we knew we’d won the fight,
Mondays were no more – we’d be back next Tuesday night!
Making my way through the Dollar General hoping to get an economy pack of Thank You cards to send out to all the people who had just given me expensive gifts
(Not really; I was there for cheap cosmetics),
All I could smell was that discount store smell I can’t pin down, but if I had to describe it, I’d say it’s the smell of spilled Prell baked on raw plastic packaging and industrial strength Irish Spring spread all over the place to repel insects and people with disposable incomes
I heard Elton John in the background, and it was the same song I heard as a nearsighted but proud third-grader at Kmart with proud young parents doing their best, too, as they had me try on all the reading glasses on the spinning rack, hoping one of them would be an affordable solution to a suspected vision problem, but none of them were going to help me read writing on a board more than a few feet ahead of me.
But it was fine; for now, everything’s fine. My grades are good, and everything’s fine for now. Prescriptions can wait a few years for now. I can only see what’s right in front of me, and it’s fine for now.
Now here I am thirty years later at Dollar General under the same overhead music and florescent lights, and the same smell that I can’t positively identify. These discount places all seem to smell the same and I can’t explain it, but maybe it’s in my mind the way it clings to my clothes and hair almost as bad as cigarette smoke
And as stuck as that smell gets in my clothes, so I’m stuck in this place as a ghost wishing to move on, but trying to save money on scar concealers, ignoring pains in my jaws and sides and back,
So I’m back, and still not sure what that smell is exactly
And all there is to do is be glad that for now, everything is fine.
I can see what’s right smack in front of me just fine, now, but I ignore the distance as I did then, saying it’s just fine, still believing I have a chance to escape and move on to someplace better, if only in my mind.
Gratefully I’ll head home with my discount concealer and change, and like that nearsighted girl, see nothing far ahead.
Everything’s fine today. The smell of rain will send that discount store smell away with the breeze for now. Tomorrow will soon be today, and as long as today is fine, it’s fine for now.
There was a young woman who liked to spend,
Many days and nights without end.
Her credit cards she did max;
Must have been that awful tax.
Residing now in the women's pen.
There's a world out there full of stuff that ain't mine and I have no access to
So I stay focused on my small world, me and mine, and do what i do
Every day and night dealing with hassles, struggles, dysfunction, and fear war
My own people who've turned against me, turned their back, and not there forever more
Have now brought the whole wide world into my life of all I do not have and never will
Making a joke of my youth, of my love, and family until...
So on my own, utterly alone, I raise my head to look, see
And the joke must be on me-'cuz this life just adds up to really nothing
Except making a window shopper of me...
around the world
there are boys girl
singing and jingling
christmas bell
you can tell
its love in the air
by the HOLIDAYS STOPPER
ITS
MUSIC FOR CHRISTMAS SHOPPER
they come to spend
some have a grim
from over the ocean
plane or in motion
to our cities and town
allaround
you see them hopping
and bopper
HOLIDAY SHOPPER