Best Flab Poems
Last winter's resolution gone by spring
So I never did the bikini thing
The same five pounds
Still hanging around
I sigh and stare at that suit made of string
Perhaps I should take a different approach
By hiring a personal trainer coach
Jillian Michaels
Exercise cycle
And perhaps just a dash of self reproach
I'll cram my flab into that swimsuit now
To wear it all winter I will avow
Though it causes pain
I'll struggle again
But by June I'll still look like a sea cow
I want to be a vegan
I want to give up meat
I want hemp DM's to wear upon my feet
No more burgers, sausages and no more lamb kebab
No more chicken drumsticks gotta fight the flab
Mushroom for me now, mushroom instead of steak
Instead of meat pie I'm gonna have a cake
A vegan cake mind, without milk or eggs
I won't be buying my cake from Cooplands or Gregg's
I think I might still do a little bit of fish
But I'll avoid putting offal on my dish
I want to be a vegan
I want to give up meat
I want to revolutionise the food that I eat
Fruit and veg is better for you than eating a cow
Sausage made from Quorn is healthier than a sow
let the little lamb live a much fuller life
Instead of carving it up young with a carving knife
I feel for the bird, I feel for the chicken
The way it's kept in cages, leaves me quite sicken
You get all the good stuff from nuts, berries and different types of seeds
You can even find it in flowers, nettles and other random weeds
I want to be a vegan I want to give up meat
Stop the polluting cattle grazing and grow more wheat!
They restricted celebrations,
forget your relations.
They restricted travel,
watched families unravel.
They restricted purchases,
no provided services.
They closed the schools,
those were the new rules.
They closed the churches,
no Sunday soul searches.
They closed the gyms
and the flab begins.
They closed the restaurants,
forget sweet tooth wants.
They closed the theaters,
no full-length features.
They closed retail stores,
no welcoming doors.
They closed the bars,
murmurs of wars.
Society accepted it as well as they could,
as everyone felt the need to be good.
But then they closed the brothel –
an act so heinously hostile –
What? You call that a plan!
That’s when the fight began.
Don is the ultimate user
His deals seal you as a loser
When Trump holds the cards
The lives now in shards
Bear witness he’s an abuser
The Don has a trick to reveal
He’ll dick you and cancel your deal
Like hands on your neck
Trump voids your paycheck
And feels ecstasy when you squeal
If acts are life’s indicator
Don’s a classic woman hater
Though cratered with flab
Trump will pussies grab
As rapist and a dictator
What will show how Don’s dick-brain thinks?
Trump’s thrusts come with lies and high jinks!
Amid this disgust
Some high and non-plussed
Have heads up his rump with what stinks!
Every morning is the same,
Standing staring at my frame,
Looks no different from last night,
Flab is still winning the fight,
Scales hate me, sure they lie,
I only ate a small stir-fry,
Willpower waning every day,
Diet falls into disarray,
The healthier I make my meals,
The emptier my tummy feels,
Salad and a few small snacks,
Hot chocolate to help me relax,
For every hour I ride my bike
My body goes on hunger strike,
But when I'm home and my legs ache,
I comfort eat with chocolate cake,
One week on, the scales astound,
I've finally lost another pound!
Although I'm watching what I eat,
I'm sure that that deserves a treat.
Take a second look at me, for beneath this midriff flab
and balding pate and wrinkly skin you'll find a science lab.
And though all may seem quiet, it may come as quite a shock
to find there are experiments going on around the clock.
Take off my shirt where buttons strain and you will plainly see
the man-boobs test which does defy the laws of gravity.
This pinkish skin in standby mode can shift to deathly white
when I've done wrong and run at over twice the speed of light.
The stomach has increased in size, approaching critical mass
fermenting water, malt and hops delivered by the glass.
The bowel is a reactor , shutting down I'm in no hurry,
as testing is ongoing on the half-life of beef curry,
results have shown it could have blown, with lager mixed for fission
but all the same I still get blamed for resulting emissions.
If trapped inside a lift with me you wouldn't stand a prayer,
but I don't think I've made a dent in the size of the Ozone layer.
I don't believe the Nobel prize I'd win for all these tests
my missus says to keep my findings secret would be best,
and though in all these subjects there is no award for me
she says at least between us both
we've still got Chemistry.
Those endless talks of
giving the fat a trim
Beauty is now the
monopoly of the slim!
Sinuous and slender
The hourglass figure
The thinner, the better.
Dieting and slimming
down tricks
ofcourse selling like hot
cakes
Tis a pity, I can't eat to
my heart's content and
desire
for rounded figures they
no longer admire.
But as long as
scrumptious samosas
keep frying in pans
and delicious pizzas
keep baking in 'em' ovens
it'd be hard to keep the
damned calorie count
or to live in fear of the
expanding waistline
mount.
Ah those mouth-
watering deep-fried
kebabs
are entirely to blame for
my yo-yo dieting!
Gosh to cut down on
cheese and butter slab
is one tough way to get
rid of body flab.
This war against weight
is weighing upon my
mind
instead of being simply
plump and straight
I gotta maintain teen
contours and curves I
find!
You do know this is a
war you've got to be
winning.
It's those extra pounds
and not the war you
have to be losing.
Or the other skinny
lasses will be staring
grinning.
Ah but all young ladies
must as well beware
dragoness Anorexia's
engulfing lair
or how her crony Bulimia
too can ensnare!
So pals better be about ill-
health precautious
rather than being overly
so weight-conscious. :)
Umpf . . . Umpf . . . Squeeze . . . Squeeze
Tuck that flab in there, if you please!
"This swim suit is too small, I fear...
Or did I think the same last year?"
Just one thing...REMIND YOURESELF NOT TO SNEEZE!
Uncomfortable confronting
your continuous consumption to which you're accustomed,
the crunch, the chew, it's all you do,
most munch at lunch while you the whole day through,
can't get a grip like a hug holding you
but when you sip it's a diet brew
no added sugar and calories are few,
but many saturated fats are stacked
impacting with gross growth of fat sacks,
so you boom take up too much room
and stay still through sore joints you feel
as you can't conceal spare tires that spill.
You've an ahss with a difference
surpassing any ahss in existence
by a significant distance
with its significant distance
disappearing in the distance
to France and French Resistance
wanting removal in an instance
with intense insistence .
To lose weight you need to move mate.
Eat less move more, it works for sure,
though at first a chore
instead of bursting out you'll once more
fit through the door,
and not resemble a dinosaur,
the sore-thighs-and-a-sore-ahss-eyesore-osaurus.
All four storeys of your inglorious
girth awkwardly bulges before us,
taunting as you pass us at speeds
outclassed by a passed its best tortoise,
a daunting and torturous sight
for our poor eyes that sore
at size you can't ignore
as your broad and soaring baggy core
drags flab and more flab along the floor.
To dine all the time like an assembly line
from 9 to 9 makes you the widest of mankind
with a need to wear a wide load sign on your behind,
eating on repeat
until you can't see your feet
or get out of that seat
while hoarding heat
roasting in rotation
as a gravitational orbit results,
these insults should install motivational mass
to counterweight your morbid oversized ahss,
… so yes your ahss looks fat since you asked.
Realise she hates guys that tell lies, she cries,
so I told her she's oversized and learnt lies are wise,
don't tell her she's wide from side to side or in her thighs,
cus her size cry makes her lies cry look a lie, lies are wise.
My recent encounter, an annual checkup
with blood tests and pressure, my height against weight
are all carried out to check my bits are working
and put back the time where I cross Heaven's gate.
I could tell porky pies* and thus possibly fiddle
the whole diagnosis and how it turned out
but the cholesterol count, and the flab round the middle
meant the nurse wasn't fooled and results held no doubts.
I've got to cut down on the red meats like bacon,
and white meat like chicken has proteins and fat
I thought cheese was OK, but no, I was mistaken
and pastries and biscuits? Forget about that.
So into the future, a healthier lifestyle
me confident now all the boxes are ticked,
you'll spot me, no ignoring the pale looking,boring
guy sat on his own with a celery stick.
( *Porky pies- 'Lies' . Cockney rhyming slang)
I stripped down to my skivvies
Revealing all flab
Something is sagging
I think it's my BALLS
MAN! am I bummed
Can't examine the rear
Who would laugh
but the kids drinking beer
Their's are nice and firm
While ours is dragging skin
The bulge on my weenie
is old age coming in
When I go to the john
the diaper is smelly
especially the parts
that connect to the belly
When worse comes to worse
My uncle makes house calls
To the old and weary
geezers with sagging balls
Ambitious once, a baseball pro,
For sure I thought I’d be,
But games I watch now let me know
Old men are just like me.
In fact today to Minute Maid
I went to cheer the ‘Stros
And harshly learned all those who played
Held heads grey barely knows.
In bleachers near another chap
With pecs transformed to flab,
Exclaimed in bold “Forget this crap!”
“Let’s go to Marble Slab!”
How strange, I thought, this guy would leave
Before the game began,
While still his spouse, if you’ll believe,
Remained though left her man.
Now curious, I had to ask
So then approached his wife,
I said, “What gives? Where hides your flask?”
“What booze supplied this strife?”
She said, “No-no, let me explain”
In deeper voice than mine,
“We’re not from here, we’re from New York
And both steer clear of wine”
“What happened was, in our hotel,
An accident to moan,
Poor Charlie grabbed my Estrogen
And I Testosterone.”
9/19/2016
Submitted for Sara Kendrick's Which of the Four
Would you Choose Contest
I cannot help but beg you,
Remove that techno-chair
From your pasted, flab-induction limbs.
Taste some heat and sunshine and
Let the wind goose-bump your skin.
People do aerobics
So their bodies stay in shape.
Slacking off means all that flab
Reverses its escape.
Just like muscles turn to mush
If workout time’s ignored,
Lethargy may leach the brain
Of knowledge it has stored.
Therefore one must exercise
The mappings of the mind,
Making sure the avenues
Are smooth and well-defined.
Crosswords and Sudoku,
Scrabble, dominoes or chess
Help to keep those brain cells sharp
And also combat stress.
As we age we must work out
The body and the brain,
For if we don’t, the things we’ve learned
Will all have been in vain.
I am small
and gaining WEIGHT
from the chips that I had ATE
Just around the BEND(I can barely do that,FRIEND)
Gut around the MIDDLE while my nephew tells a RIDDLE
Exploding sudden GAS ,it came from my rotund ASS
Chicks no longer LOOK at this unsightly SCHNOOK
as I eat my TWINKIE,the underoos are getting STINKY
What do men and women FEAR-besides an enema to the REAR?
unbearable stomach SIZE of a fatso that we DESPISE
Mother wants to give son TREAT by buying hamburger,Burger King SWEET
Dom Deluise has shown me the WAY to get more pound and flab
by expanding every DAY
Spaghetti and a MEATBALL to placate hunger and it's tasty CALL
Love handles is a feeling WHICH..
I quite fear,
life can be an unfair -ITCH!!