Octavius Australopithecus
Decided he would take a leak with us
He aimed his big shooter
Hosed down an armed looter
Now relieved ~ his reward superfluous
A tall stranger rode into Milton Creek
Ragged scar ran across one eye and cheek
Mayor Tom drew his gun
"You best hightail and run!"
"Geeze! Okay! But first can I take a leak?"
April 28, 2023
Funny or Bawdy Limerick Contest
Sponsored by Tania Kitchin
Goober went panning for gold in the creek
Hot and bothered, needed to take a leak ~
Goober pulled down his drawers
His hose produced more and more ~
Cried, "O, my, but doesn't liquid gold reek!"
Saving yourself seems like the likely thing to do when all of your turmoil comes to fruition
Sitting alone in your Fruit of the Looms enjoying a midnight's poor choice keeping your sanity within an arm's reach
Too bad your judgement is just as faulty as your character and your character is some half pint mental midget needing a two-step to take a leak into the wishing fountain
Drown all your hopes and dreams into that golden shower just as your friends did when they gave you an earful worth two cents
Save yourself, kid
Wishful sinking's got you all sorts of caught up underneath
My favorite high school teacher was Miss Constance Uren
You heard me right the first time so don't ask her name again
At first the kids were naughty since her name was so unique
Telling bathroom jokes a plenty with requests to take a leak
She'd seen their kind before, Miss Uren was ready for them
All she simply did ignore, speaking Spanish ad infinitum
Of course they were confused, which left them feeling somewhat foolish
Then she softened her approach, so as not to seem so ghoulish
From that point on our classes' bad behavior was not repeated
Except those spending time learning Spanish `expletives deleted'
I had Miss Uren's class 4 years, Spanish I through Spanish IV
As a high school language teacher she was all that you could hope for
whilst listening to some songs
i came across this line
you gave me head
on an unmade bed
the phrase lingers
one can see that scene
whilst at tafe, a fellow student
asked, quite out of the blue
do you come
when you are being sucked off?
walking out of a late lecture one evening
this girl, who was keen on me, made a joke
what do banks and 'crumpets' have in common?
it is easy to deposit but hard to withdraw
she was not subtle in her approach
i did not want her
i said excuse me, i need to take a leak
and entered the men's toilet
i waited quite a while in there
hoping she'd be gone
and she was
but waited at my car
she stood there in her short skirt
legs ever so slightly apart
leaning back on the fender she said
can't you just give me one?
yeah sure. How many words
do you want in that essay?
The Runaway
out in the street
was sick of it all
packed my bags and left
the people were very cold
had to sleep in the shelter
grabage everywhere near cot
the smell of urine in the night
tossing and turning was there something I forgot
smoked a little weed I had in my pocket
nothing could numb the pain from humanities insanity
during the day I would go to the soup kitchen
never could make my belly full always growling
had enough of the shelter was fed up
so I then discovered the tent city
stole a tent from the salvation army
life was still so very shitty
would go fishing down by the creak
fish were scarce cause many bums would take a leak
but I choose to go it alone
wherever I lay my head was my home
until the day I met with a local preacher
noticing my life was being lived as a late night double feature
with head bowed down I chose to give my life to the Lord
promising to live on his every word
as I look back now those many years ago
I'm very thankful that I was willing to change my road.
My key! I've lost my blooming key
and can't get in my house;
I'd gladly sleep upon the lawn,
but have to wake my spouse.
She won't be pleased to be disturbed;
it's nearly half past three.
I know she'll nag for weeks on end,
but, boy, I need a pee.
As no one's looking, p'haps it's safe
to take a leak right here -
the neighbours' cat would get the blame
(or would it smell of beer?)
I need a loo and cannot wait.
I'm scared to ring that bell,
but if I don't I'll pee my pants -
and then she'd give me Hell...
for Sara's Stuck contest
Bull Moose
I was sitting on a rock out near Cripple Creek
Panties at my ankles, I had to take a leak
He sauntered out beneath a tree
Stopped and simply looked at me
Old grey legs, a lengthy beard
Eight foot tall he had appeared
Shoulder, hump and head held high
Antlers reaching to the sky
No pack of wolves, no big bad bear
This guy attacked, they wouldn’t dare
For with his rack and slashing hooves
This forest beast had deadly moves
But getting back to what I did
Wet panties up my legs I slid
Off the rock so quick I ran
Friends all giving me a hand
I laughed and cried once in the car
This memory a lasting scar
For friends told friends and they told friends
And round and round it never ends
So if you’re up on Cripple Creek
And find yourself a need to leak
Leak with caution - be aware
This old Bull Moose still lives up there
How to take a leak
Marcel felt quite an urge when he set out to purge understanding of how to when
we view misconceptions of who is taking the piss now never thereafter and then
A fountain trickling urinal porcelain pissoir on display impressed me no doubt in
treacherous confusion of images since relief in museums constitutes phallic sin
When streams of revisionist consciousness meet with surreal ‘truth’ of ablutions
seeming paradoxes cleanse body and mind in contextual and continent solutions
A fragmented human condition does not improve with rigid caged in perceptions
in which mindless dogma clearly resists benefits of antiauthoritarian disinfection
Are glass ceilings real are vessels of thought and flush toilets congested or empty
do ivory towers reveal liberation and freedom achieve status of fully cognoscenti
Nothing what it seems is Duchamp's message in a showcase of lavatorial pride
colonising minds need disclosure critique confrontation urinating against the tide
When cognition feeling and action with knowledge have reached full critical vision
I reach for a fountain pen so whether this is a poem or not remains your decision
16th May 2017
I woke up to the sun a-calling me
Got dressed and went outside to take a leak
No worries, folks are many miles from here
My neighbors are the squirrels and birds and deer
The early morning air was still and sweet
The sun seemed in no rush to clear the trees
Two yearlings eyed me from a berry patch
I felt self-conscious, so I turned my back
And laughed about our built-in modesty
I zipped up and said, loudly, "Thank you, Eve"
My hound dog ambled up, then stopped to yawn
And next he yelped his fav'rite morning song
"Ah-ooooo, I am so hungry I could die
Ba-woolf, it's been a while since suppertime
Uh-gulf, I put my bowl there by the door
Bow-wow, make sure my Gravy Train is warm"
as not you with yarmulke
delivering yogurts past the age of curdle
what you asked from me a cuddle
as in a tent you phantom
I'll be drooling for thank you
your mistake
as many tests show will be a park ranger
to deliver needles clean the life of certain
as a choice and not sunday school
waiting in line every saturday for chicken
but the rest of the week peanut butter
to cajoled an heart and a pee
I wish I had a dick to tell you all
and if my dog take a leak on a fire hydrant
no thanks to you
my camp close to the loonies
as discharged not to clog the jail
I kept them quiet at night
with sing song a lullaby
and one two three may be a tree
get your broom to make it clean
Simon has been gone a long time
Does he think we are playing hide and seek
I remember him saying 20 minutes ago
He was going to take a leak.
I open up the bathroom door
I can't believe what I see
Simon sitting on the bathroom floor
His trousers around his knee's.
His head bowed over the toilet rim
Shouting Hughey into the bowl
Are you ok , I ask of him
but he's busy retching up his soul.
It must have been a virus
Ha , That's a likely tale
I don't suppose it has a lot to do
With downing 8 pints of Yorkshire ale.
The world is spinning round mate
He begged me to leave him on his own
Would I call his missus
So she could drive him home .
I heard him say '' I effing love you''
You're beautiful you are
Then I heard her snap You drunken prat
Get in the effing car .
I would hate to be in his shoes
This morning when he wakes
Last night his wife looked so angry
I felt the earth around her shake.
She won't ground him forever
Even henpecked husbands don't get that fate
and in the pub next Friday
He'll have to face his mates.
Bull Moose
I was sitting on a rock out near Cripple Creek
Panties at my ankles, I had to take a leak
He sauntered out beneath a tree
Stopped and simply looked at me
Old grey legs, a lengthy beard
Eight foot tall he had appeared
Shoulder, hump and head held high
Antlers reaching to the sky
No pack of wolves, no big bad bear
This guy attacked, they wouldn’t dare
For with his rack and slashing hooves
This forest beast had deadly moves
But getting back to what I did
Wet panties up my legs I slid
Off the rock so quick I ran
Friends all giving me a hand
I laughed and cried once in the car
This memory a lasting scar
For friends told friends and they told friends
And round and round it never ends
So if you’re up on Cripple Creek
And find yourself a need to leak
Leak with caution - be aware
This old Bull Moose still lives up there
Uncle Mike
True story I believe. There was a picture of a moose on facebook along with a description of its size and actions. One comment was from a female friend of the poster about her encounter. I put the two together as a poem.
Behind the Shower Curtain
By Elton Camp
Paranoid people just have to see
Behind the curtain before they pee
For about their greatest scare
Is a murderer lurking back there
They pull the curtain back for a peek
And only then do they dare take a leak
But I have to wonder what they’d do
If their fear should prove to be true
There stands a wild man with a knife
Prepared and eager to end their life
At least it’s happy that they’d die
Knowing their fears were no lie
Those who, “You’re paranoid,” said
Will know better once they’re dead
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