Best Take A Leak Poems
Wouldn't you rather~
Wouldn't you rather be dead?
Maybe shoot yourself in the head?
Over my dead heart, I'd never want to be a zombie like you.
The sight of your limbs are rotten all the time.
All synonyms say of you looks like a 3 legged swine.
Go ahead and do us all a favor,
hide and stash yourself away from all your neighbor.
I think I'd rather have my eyes stuck with glue
So I won't have to look at you
When it comes to family friends, you ain't got none.
You're always gonna be called the lonely retarded one.
Who could ever love a face like yours.
not even your mother see's pass your gores
No need for privacy when you pee
Go ahead and take a leak and drown yourself in the sea.
Don't think for one second you are irresistible
Love making with a zombie is impossible.
Wouldn't you rather be dead?
maybe shoot yourself in the head
The time to kill yourself is at hand.
Slicing your wrist is what we recommend.
Cut your tongue off, don't want to hear you squeal.
Blood all over, your face is no big deal
A sword or machete will only pick up the pace
I wanna see your guts pop out your mid-waist
Contaminated objects is a must
Anything to remove your face of disgust.
The easy part is the best
Once you are gone we will all feel blessed,
The flaw of your existence
Is what keeps us all in distance
Wouldn't you rather be dead?
maybe shoot yourself in the head
Close your eyes and die
No one wants to hear you cry
You said you wanted to be loved
believe me~ you're better off unloved
I say do yourself off
Anyways you've always had it rough...
Go ahead and scream
This is not a dream
Now see how you make me feel
All I want is for you to end your ugly ordeal.
I will praise this day of course
Knowing soon you'll be a rotting corpse.
happy valentine ~ TO: All My DEADBEAT X-es from Texas.
Bull Moose
I was sitting on a rock out near Cripple Creek
Panties at my ankles, I had to take a leak
He sauntered out beneath a tree
Stopped and simply looked at me
Old grey legs, a lengthy beard
Eight foot tall he had appeared
Shoulder, hump and head held high
Antlers reaching to the sky
No pack of wolves, no big bad bear
This guy attacked, they wouldn’t dare
For with his rack and slashing hooves
This forest beast had deadly moves
But getting back to what I did
Wet panties up my legs I slid
Off the rock so quick I ran
Friends all giving me a hand
I laughed and cried once in the car
This memory a lasting scar
For friends told friends and they told friends
And round and round it never ends
So if you’re up on Cripple Creek
And find yourself a need to leak
Leak with caution - be aware
This old Bull Moose still lives up there
Uncle Mike
True story I believe. There was a picture of a moose on facebook along with a description of its size and actions. One comment was from a female friend of the poster about her encounter. I put the two together as a poem.
A tall stranger rode into Milton Creek
Ragged scar ran across one eye and cheek
Mayor Tom drew his gun
"You best hightail and run!"
"Geeze! Okay! But first can I take a leak?"
April 28, 2023
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as not you with yarmulke
delivering yogurts past the age of curdle
what you asked from me a cuddle
as in a tent you phantom
I'll be drooling for thank you
your mistake
as many tests show will be a park ranger
to deliver needles clean the life of certain
as a choice and not sunday school
waiting in line every saturday for chicken
but the rest of the week peanut butter
to cajoled an heart and a pee
I wish I had a dick to tell you all
and if my dog take a leak on a fire hydrant
no thanks to you
my camp close to the loonies
as discharged not to clog the jail
I kept them quiet at night
with sing song a lullaby
and one two three may be a tree
get your broom to make it clean
Simon has been gone a long time
Does he think we are playing hide and seek
I remember him saying 20 minutes ago
He was going to take a leak.
I open up the bathroom door
I can't believe what I see
Simon sitting on the bathroom floor
His trousers around his knee's.
His head bowed over the toilet rim
Shouting Hughey into the bowl
Are you ok , I ask of him
but he's busy retching up his soul.
It must have been a virus
Ha , That's a likely tale
I don't suppose it has a lot to do
With downing 8 pints of Yorkshire ale.
The world is spinning round mate
He begged me to leave him on his own
Would I call his missus
So she could drive him home .
I heard him say '' I effing love you''
You're beautiful you are
Then I heard her snap You drunken prat
Get in the effing car .
I would hate to be in his shoes
This morning when he wakes
Last night his wife looked so angry
I felt the earth around her shake.
She won't ground him forever
Even henpecked husbands don't get that fate
and in the pub next Friday
He'll have to face his mates.
Just a few lines I hereby write to let you know
that I, in my entirety am still alive,
care I give, when with pen perceiving you so slow
the words upon these lines, just in time will arrive.
You will not know the house, when you come on back home
twelve month ago the rent we defaulted, so we moved,
which was good for your mother, she’s too old to roam,
while it seems her affair with the rent man, unproved.
I’ve managed to get myself a really good job
having many hundreds of poor sods beneath me,
as greenkeeper, the graveyard grass I cut and swab,
that is when this terrible pain stops in my knee.
Your sister Edna has had a baby this week
not yet found out if baby boy or baby girl,
so don’t know if it’s got a tap to take a leak
or a hands free strikingly attractive pearl.
We both went to the doctor the other day
it’s your mother she is not keeping all that well,
the doctor placed a small tube down her passage way
said “Don’t talk”, I offered to buy, but wouldn’t sell.
Your uncle Raymond drowned last week in a large vat
this full of single malt whisky at the brewery,
workmates tried to save him, but he fought them off, drat,
cremated, fire took days to douse, come floury.
The weather is o.k.; it has rained twice this week
first off for three days, then the other for four days,
then undertaker rang, sounded very bleak
said, “Payment for grandma’s grave, or does not here stays”.
Oh! by the way I was to send you some money
but I forgot to place it in the envelope,
sealed it with kiss, thought you may think that’s funny
till you hear mum gave you to the charity “SCOPE”.
© Harry J Horsman 2012
the idea is not mine originally, it is
An adaptation of an Irish letter.
(This is a fictional poem)
My father-in-law is so old that his first friend was Barney Rubble.
When he comes to my house, he causes nothing but trouble.
I can hear him coming when I hear his old bones creak.
He pees all over himself every time he tries to take a leak.
He tries to get my wife to leave me every time he comes.
He eats all of our food and then he gets drunk on my rum.
When he visits, he gets mad and raves and rants.
I want to see the look on his face when I put a lobster down his pants.
He's coming over tonight and I'm going to break a lot of his bones.
I'm going to raise hell until he leaves me alone.
As I was washing the dishes last week
I looked outside my windowpane.
Snow-filled land and winter bleak,
I see a moose—how inane!
Thinking I must be going insane,
Or perhaps something of a retard,
I asked many but the answer was the same
Please get the moose out of my yard
One day within that crazy week
My husband was working in the plains
He went to a bush to take a leak
And there, staring, it was again!
He ran through the village through gasps of fright he just couldn’t retain
Now my hubbie is a lunatic, paranoid and scarred
With no fortune to his name!
Please get the moose out of my yard
Living here with seven babes on a meadow leek
Trying to keep sane
All the neighbors think me a freak
As I try to reassure and explain
And STILL the blasted animal remains
Keeping me absorbedly on-guard
He even trampled my great dane into grain!
Please get the moose out of my yard
Dear Prince, soon King so to speak
I beseech you with utmost regard
If it so pleases I will throw you a daughter for queen
Just please—PLEASE get the moose out of my yard!
Woke again too early night before, I had no sleep
Tired of all this drinking, I woke up to take a leak
Must have had a nightmare, I was high, up in the sky
but on the way back down again I found, the reason why
(Chorus)
Drinking late in the night, you say it can be fun
Next day it all comes back, you'll remember what you done
Lets go have a taste, to keep my dreams at bay
Tomorrow I'll wake up sober that's the best, I'm gonna feel all day
Got myself together had a stroll down by the sea
Cleared my head of all that stuff, let the wind go free
The sun above was burning, the day was rolling on
Had to have another glass, to sit and write this song
(Chorus)
Drinking late in the night, you say it can be fun
Next day it all comes back, you remember what you done
lets go have a taste, to keep my dreams at bay
Tomorrow I'll wake up sober that's the best, I'm gonna feel all day
Time for my siesta, I will lay down in the sun
Dream of the good old days, and what I have become
must make my mind up, of which road I will take
Tomorrow is another day, and a decision I will make
(Chorus)
Drinking late in the night, you say it can be fun
Next day it all comes back, you remember what you done
Lets go and have a taste, to keep my dreams at bay
Tomorrow I wake up sober that's the best, I'm gonna feel all day (Repeat)
How to take a leak
Marcel felt quite an urge when he set out to purge understanding of how to when
we view misconceptions of who is taking the piss now never thereafter and then
A fountain trickling urinal porcelain pissoir on display impressed me no doubt in
treacherous confusion of images since relief in museums constitutes phallic sin
When streams of revisionist consciousness meet with surreal ‘truth’ of ablutions
seeming paradoxes cleanse body and mind in contextual and continent solutions
A fragmented human condition does not improve with rigid caged in perceptions
in which mindless dogma clearly resists benefits of antiauthoritarian disinfection
Are glass ceilings real are vessels of thought and flush toilets congested or empty
do ivory towers reveal liberation and freedom achieve status of fully cognoscenti
Nothing what it seems is Duchamp's message in a showcase of lavatorial pride
colonising minds need disclosure critique confrontation urinating against the tide
When cognition feeling and action with knowledge have reached full critical vision
I reach for a fountain pen so whether this is a poem or not remains your decision
16th May 2017
It’s almost 3:00 AM
and I’m still scrolling down my newsfeed
bored to death and moody
sick of laughing at the same jokes
unable
to appreciate anything, everything sucks
too tired and too lazy, can’t do much
chat is off, not even in the mood to talk
already having conversations with songs
in times like this, food comes in handy
fries with cheese, pizza, cupcakes and candy
it wouldn’t hurt to get a drink
so I go to the fridge
sneaking so I don’t wake anyone up
a night owl’s life, it’s time for lunch
I sip on the way back
payback
now I have to take a leak
my stomach hurts, it’s making me
want to do it in the hallway
I run all the way
to the bathroom, kicking the door
out of the blue I dropped my drink
all shocked, I wish
I hadn’t
what I saw was too much
too graphic, I'm looking in disgust
I dropped on my knees
and started throwing up
the bathroom all full of blood
and buzzing flies, the floor all full of guts
flesh and remains of all my loved ones
with feces and hairballs everywhere
I pinch myself hoping it’s a nightmare
but they all hurt more than what I saw
in tears backing up slowly about to call the law
I bumped into something or someone
I hope it’s just the wall
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(This is a fictional poem)
When I was a baby, my parents hired the cheapest mohel they could find.
The son of a _____ cut off my wiener because he's blind.
I have no ***** and that makes me a freak.
I have to use a tube when I take a leak.
I'm not the only one who lost his wiener because of that butcher.
You can probably tell that it was also done to Ashton Kutcher.
After they hired him to circumcise me, my future was very grim.
If you have a baby boy, you better keep your son away from him.
I was nursing a Metamusel Cocktail to keep me on the go,
When I fell asleep in my Lazy-Boy 'round nine o'clock or so.
'Round midnight my clock chimes 'wakened me with a start,
And stumbling over the cat in the dark, to the bathroom I did dart!
(Like all of us old guys, 'twas essential that I take a leak!)
**Then I scurried to a window to watch the fireworks atop Pikes Peak.
Then to bed where Jeff the cat snuggled up snoring in my ear.
Now ain't that a wonderful way to begin another year!
**Way back in 1922, five guys calling themselves the "Frozen Five"
considered most New Years Eve celebrations to be boring and decided
to scale 14000 foot Pikes Peak to have a little fun. (I suspect that two
old and faithful friends, Jack Daniels and Jim Beam accompanied them
to provide solace and comfort!). Along the way up the Barr Trail they
picked up a few railroad flares on the Pikes Peak Cogway and when they
reached the top of America's Mountain on New Years Eve they lit those and
made a fire out of old railroad ties. This created alarm among the citizens
of Colorado Springs! This evolved into a tradition to this day by what is now
called The Ad-A-Man Club. Each year the club ads a new member to the group and they ascend Pikes Peak and set off a beautiful display of fireworks at midnight much to the delight of folks in the city of Colorado Springs and surrounding counties.
I woke up to the sun a-calling me
Got dressed and went outside to take a leak
No worries, folks are many miles from here
My neighbors are the squirrels and birds and deer
The early morning air was still and sweet
The sun seemed in no rush to clear the trees
Two yearlings eyed me from a berry patch
I felt self-conscious, so I turned my back
And laughed about our built-in modesty
I zipped up and said, loudly, "Thank you, Eve"
My hound dog ambled up, then stopped to yawn
And next he yelped his fav'rite morning song
"Ah-ooooo, I am so hungry I could die
Ba-woolf, it's been a while since suppertime
Uh-gulf, I put my bowl there by the door
Bow-wow, make sure my Gravy Train is warm"
Goober went panning for gold in the creek
Hot and bothered, needed to take a leak ~
Goober pulled down his drawers
His hose produced more and more ~
Cried, "O, my, but doesn't liquid gold reek!"