Long Take a leak Poems
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Roads of gold and gates of pearl are thoughts solidified, finding resting place here,
having been purified, first, in a trial by fire-
in the bulwarked organ
of love's pineal desire.
Here.
Hyssop, Catmint and Cinnamomum share
her spirit animal, with makeshift technicality,
borrowed by her scent of purity.
The pervasiveness
of jasmine in the air in ulterior beguilement
the enstylement of my drive.
You are a banshee on the side of deserted highway,
a shiver of creep peaking near as I take a leak there.
A light orbing the mountains
and darting into the sea.
A 4D shadow cast upon 3D tolemetry of space and
time and think.
Was your curtsey before God pleasing?
Your arguments for my torment convincing?
An Elemental in a ballet of playthings.
O Ballerina of Love's rhetorical spectre,
boomerings-like crowns wearing.
Dancing in shadows, whispering in the night,
You ignite a fire, called daylight,
to show your darings.
But your love is fleeting,
a melancholic melody, of eel.
Leaving my heart in perpetual reverie,
I yearn for your touch, your tender embrace of feel.
Every graceful sway, every delicate step,
a conjugal congeal,
captures the essence of a love deep
at my core deficiency appeals.
In twirling pirouettes, passion's heart is kept,
and in arabesques, emotions start
to weep whispers as I sleep in Elysian fields
of milkweed and lobelia and nightshade,
chin on window cill.
Mesmerized by the Amber waves of your influence,
One hundred percent times two in-stilled.
Yep!
I told ya…
We are a curse
We should not be together
There we are and things get worse
Remember when you bumped your head
Cause you were texting me
You were bleeding
And found you had a concussion and felt dizzy
Then I hurt me knee when we were…
I couldn’t walk and had to sit to take a leak
Still there we were
Because we were weak
And the time when you were late…
We thought we were going to have a small me you
The weird excuses we thought up
Until it happened and phew
When we did it in the woods
Exciting outdoors
But we both had a burning rash on our goods
From the poison ivy in our draws
And when hubby went away
We made love all night
And fell asleep till day
Lucky I skipped me nightshift
But when hubby return, getting out was tight
Those are the good times I miss with you
My favorite high school teacher was Miss Constance Uren
You heard me right the first time so don't ask her name again
At first the kids were naughty since her name was so unique
Telling bathroom jokes a plenty with requests to take a leak
She'd seen their kind before, Miss Uren was ready for them
All she simply did ignore, speaking Spanish ad infinitum
Of course they were confused, which left them feeling somewhat foolish
Then she softened her approach, so as not to seem so ghoulish
From that point on our classes' bad behavior was not repeated
Except those spending time learning Spanish `expletives deleted'
I had Miss Uren's class 4 years, Spanish I through Spanish IV
As a high school language teacher she was all that you could hope for
Since she passed on I now live on my own
In a new town not just a new street
No more must I listen to that woman moan
But she’s haunting me through the loo seat
In view of her ‘training’ I lift up the seat
But then leave it up out of spite
And in this new house where I now have no spouse
It should stay like that though the night
But it gets me down and gives me a frown
Whenever I go for a pee
For when I go back in that loo seat is down
And it sure wasn’t put down by me
In darkness or light I will leave the seat raised
Yet next time I go take a leak
It’s down and I wish I could say I’m unfazed
But no floorboard ever did creak
I did ask the fella who lived here before
He gasped an incredulous groan
His first wife had lived by the adage
Of killing two birds with one stone
He too had once married a girl who seemed sweet
But then he could do nothing right
And if he should leave up the loo seat
She’d slam it down hard in the night
But buying his house was as odd as can be
You might think the chances are slim
My wife, bless her soul, who was married to me
Before that… was married to him
18 July 2022
Contest: One In Five 2
Theme: 5 - A Ghost Story
Sponsor: Joseph May
How to take a leak
Marcel felt quite an urge when he set out to purge understanding of how to when
we view misconceptions of who is taking the piss now never thereafter and then
A fountain trickling urinal porcelain pissoir on display impressed me no doubt in
treacherous confusion of images since relief in museums constitutes phallic sin
When streams of revisionist consciousness meet with surreal ‘truth’ of ablutions
seeming paradoxes cleanse body and mind in contextual and continent solutions
A fragmented human condition does not improve with rigid caged in perceptions
in which mindless dogma clearly resists benefits of antiauthoritarian disinfection
Are glass ceilings real are vessels of thought and flush toilets congested or empty
do ivory towers reveal liberation and freedom achieve status of fully cognoscenti
Nothing what it seems is Duchamp's message in a showcase of lavatorial pride
colonising minds need disclosure critique confrontation urinating against the tide
When cognition feeling and action with knowledge have reached full critical vision
I reach for a fountain pen so whether this is a poem or not remains your decision
16th May 2017
(This is a fictional poem)
My father-in-law is so old that his first friend was Barney Rubble.
When he comes to my house, he causes nothing but trouble.
I can hear him coming when I hear his old bones creak.
He pees all over himself every time he tries to take a leak.
He tries to get my wife to leave me every time he comes.
He eats all of our food and then he gets drunk on my rum.
When he visits, he gets mad and raves and rants.
I want to see the look on his face when I put a lobster down his pants.
He's coming over tonight and I'm going to break a lot of his bones.
I'm going to raise hell until he leaves me alone.
Form:
Jock stumbled - pals called him a wus
(No injury was obvious)
But Jock bruised his willy
And now he feels silly
With todger strapped up in a truss
WRITTEN BY JAN ALLISON
Old Jock had injured and bruised his man thing
His doc said "Jock, you'll need a tartan sling"
He's now looking quite built
Bulging under his kilt
Lassies swoon when he does the Highland fling.
After a week his thing turned black and blue
Jock said "hoots mon, what am I ganna do"
But he'd left it too late
Doc had to amputate
And now poor Jock has to sit on the loo.
WRITTEN BY TOM CUNNINGHAM
He washed his new jock, it was new
So it tightly embraced both its crew
But after the race
Oh what a disgrace
His now aching partners were blue
WRITTEN BY JOHN LAWLESS
Jock stumbled and he landed face down
Injuring the jewel in his crown
His bruised pride and joy swelled
By awe it was beheld
Jock's tackle became talk of the town.
The doctor said I know just the thing
To give support to your ding-a-ling
Doc got Jock's bits strapped up
Jock swore and he cussed
For doc said it could be longstanding.
Jock's dilemma can be seen by all
He's going nuts because of the fall
He's craving free willy
To swing willy-nilly
And longs to unstrap his cannon ball.
WRITTEN BY BELLE BELLEVUE
Now Jock knew about liquid nitrogen
But sprayed on far more than he might have done
So just when it mattered
One tap and it shattered
And Jock said Hoots mon, me old fright’ner’s gone
He said Doc, I need a new caber
My wife has never gone through labour
The Doc held his gaze
Grabbed three treble A’s
And sewed on on a three foot light sabre
WRITTEN BY TERRY FLOOD
Jock managed to get his willy banged up,
He cried loud like a little newborn pup,
Stayed in bed a week,
It hurt to take a leak,
All because he slipped on his sippy cup
WRITTEN BY ALEXIS Y
IF ANYONE WISHES TO ADD POEMS PLEASE SOUPMAIL THEM TO ME
Tornado blew Dorothy Gale
Across Kansas, her house took sail
Landed with a bug THUMP
On evil witch's rump
I'll try to fill in some detail
Wicked witch got down and dirty
Saying, "I'll get you, my purty,
And your little dog, too.
You killed my sister shrew
Just outside Emerald City!"
Little Munchkins shouted, "HOORAY!"
Then, "Dorothy, go down that way
The road of yellow brick
Hurry, you must be quick
The cruel witch will make you pay!"
So, off she and pup, Toto went
Wondering where she had been sent
This place she couldn't stay
Kansas was far away
On getting home, she was hell bent
Along the way, she met these three
Scarecrow, lion, and tin man, he
was rusted, couldn't speak
Had need to take a leak
She oiled his 'parts' so he could pee
To the Wizard they had to go
Through a poppy field in the snow
For courage and a heart
Brain to make Scarecrow smart
To get Dorothy home, he'd know
But the wicked one said, "No fair!"
And sent her monkeys in the air
To kill the lot of them
It was utter mayhem!
Oh, We Oh. It caused quite a scare!
Toto proved the Wizard a fake
What a commotion that did make
What would Dorothy do?
Glenda to the rescue!
For the child, she did not forsake
She bid farewell to her new friends
The journey gave them dividends
She loved each one of them
But sadly, missed Aunt Em
Almost where this fairytale ends
Glenda waved her wand to entreat
Ruby slippers upon her feet
A click of the red heels
And Dorothy's appeals
She was back in Kansas, Toot Sweet!
I was nursing a Metamusel Cocktail to keep me on the go,
When I fell asleep in my Lazy-Boy 'round nine o'clock or so.
'Round midnight my clock chimes 'wakened me with a start,
And stumbling over the cat in the dark, to the bathroom I did dart!
(Like all of us old guys, 'twas essential that I take a leak!)
**Then I scurried to a window to watch the fireworks atop Pikes Peak.
Then to bed where Jeff the cat snuggled up snoring in my ear.
Now ain't that a wonderful way to begin another year!
**Way back in 1922, five guys calling themselves the "Frozen Five"
considered most New Years Eve celebrations to be boring and decided
to scale 14000 foot Pikes Peak to have a little fun. (I suspect that two
old and faithful friends, Jack Daniels and Jim Beam accompanied them
to provide solace and comfort!). Along the way up the Barr Trail they
picked up a few railroad flares on the Pikes Peak Cogway and when they
reached the top of America's Mountain on New Years Eve they lit those and
made a fire out of old railroad ties. This created alarm among the citizens
of Colorado Springs! This evolved into a tradition to this day by what is now
called The Ad-A-Man Club. Each year the club ads a new member to the group and they ascend Pikes Peak and set off a beautiful display of fireworks at midnight much to the delight of folks in the city of Colorado Springs and surrounding counties.
As I was washing the dishes last week
I looked outside my windowpane.
Snow-filled land and winter bleak,
I see a moose—how inane!
Thinking I must be going insane,
Or perhaps something of a retard,
I asked many but the answer was the same
Please get the moose out of my yard
One day within that crazy week
My husband was working in the plains
He went to a bush to take a leak
And there, staring, it was again!
He ran through the village through gasps of fright he just couldn’t retain
Now my hubbie is a lunatic, paranoid and scarred
With no fortune to his name!
Please get the moose out of my yard
Living here with seven babes on a meadow leek
Trying to keep sane
All the neighbors think me a freak
As I try to reassure and explain
And STILL the blasted animal remains
Keeping me absorbedly on-guard
He even trampled my great dane into grain!
Please get the moose out of my yard
Dear Prince, soon King so to speak
I beseech you with utmost regard
If it so pleases I will throw you a daughter for queen
Just please—PLEASE get the moose out of my yard!