I am playing with mommy’s make up
While she’s tired and putting her feet up
I’m supposed to be having rest too
But face painting’s a fun thing to do.
Mommy placed the curlers in my hair
She tells me it gives me added flair
So I’m painting my face, as mom does
Hoping it makes her happy heart buzz.
My hair will become curly whirly
And my face decidedly girly
With my lips covered in red lipstick
Blusher on my cheeks, and green eyelids.
Mommy is bound to have a surprise
When she wakes up and opens her eyes
I'm sure she'll say that I look charming
Don't know what she means by self harming.
I am empty of empathy
come sympathise with me
Cue the violins,
or just fiddle
like a bad-tempered Roman
Offer me hope:
bring flamboyant symbols,
cheap gold pendants with wings
Maybe a big gaudy
unflappable albatross
nothing too flash,
mind you!
Take my hand,
lead me towards the edge
it’s time to fledge
Sidle me onward,
watch as I waver
Try not be over-critical
of the albatross
He’s become a hanger-on,
too far gone
and addicted to flattery
If I drag you down
or appear inhumane,
it’s all secondary
I’m merely feeling depressed
by a pouch in my brain
A séance sensed
it was next of kin,
X-rays revealed tiny pleats,
masses of tissue within folds of skin
An exorcist said it’s
my vestigial twin
Google diagnosed
(Visual agnosia)
taking shape from within
Oh! And the indifferent
chatbot I confided in,
has begun self-harming!
It started when my 7 year old son was diagnosed with adhd/odd,
You have no rest taking care of a child with a disability,
Years went by I did all I could nobody knew or asked,
I would cry over the smallest thing then shake it of and carry on,
In my late 30s I was diagnosed with my own disability.
I had to stop working that made it worse,
So embarrassed I hid it never asked for help,
Living on benefits it paid the bills,
The government changed the rules to get people back to work,
Medicals where done with an unfair system,
When I failed my medical told I could work,
I knew that I couldn’t go on.
I went to see my gp,
She said to me "your shaking and self harming I can see",
Diagnosed with depression and anxiety,
At the medical tribunal the previous was overturned,
That helped me enormously,
Now on medication I manage to hide my depression well,
You wouldn’t know to look at me that I have,
Depression and anxiety.
In spring
gaze into my hazel eyes
see distant horizons
flat-lining
the congolese savannah,
touching bruised clouds
against your creamy skin,
hives peppered
with puce contusions
your pummeled complexion,
clinging to warm clay
your frantic cuticles
scratch twisted wrists
in tiger stripe slashes
as night wolves screech
an anthem of loss.
Blackened clouds
smudge charcoaled
crimson tinted skies
as humid breath
exhales.
But now
these fists clench
like knotted rope
as ink clouds etch dusk
and punch the night
with their thundering.
I found my poetry book from 2009, depression had me at my worst
Reading through my rhymes what was I going through?
I was self-harming at the time, so there's dried blood splattered over the words
I feel ashamed of some of the things I was showing you
I was writing about suicide in every other line
It seems like I was in a whole other mind
Kirstie had just broke my heart I used a lot of ink on her
Which now seems wasted, because I no longer think about her
I was saying goodbye to everyone I cared about
Talking about death, but it wasn't something I was scared about
Cursing my family out for not being around
The tears I cried were enough for me to drown
This pad was filled about a month before I took an overdose of tablets
Thinking suicide was the only way to stop my sadness
The Weight of the world, was just too much for me to hold
I'm 25 now going over the poetry I wrote at 17 years old
I survived the suicide attempt, I guess I have a reason to be here
I overcame the worst, so I can no longer feel fear
When I started to read from one of my 2009 poetry books
I'm glad I survived my storms and didn't give up
Our society's full of poor propaganda,
Everyone fighting to be the alpha!
Happy to fight wars that cost billions;
Yet won't support the civillans;
Numerous are forced onto the street;
More don't have enough to eat.
Our society's full of poor propaganda,
Everyone fighting to be the alpha!
Living costs has really increased,
But the economy has strongly decreased;
Welfare systems have gone down;
Causing people pain and to frown.
Our society's full of poor propaganda,
Everyone fighting to be the alpha!
A world still full of discrimination;
Causing trillons complete devestation;
Gays, blacks, muslims, jews you can abhor;
Society turns a blind eye and will ignore.
Our society's full of poor propaganda,
Everyone fighting to be the alpha!
Social media rules our teens,
All addicted to their screens;
Looks are what matter,
Causing many to shatter.
Our society's full of poor propaganda,
Everyone fighting to be the alpha!
Another issue is global-warming;
And the sheer amount of self-harming
It's absurd, triany, I’m in dismay,
What’s wrong with the world today?
Beautiful Eyes
Yin and yang had resolved the conundrum of diametrically opposed promises
No longer one sided her receiving end glimpsed into the barrel of a shiny gun
Far from being a passive shooting star only her lop side held the heavy metal
One hand gently stroking the trigger the other one where the third eye would be
Was it her divisions that started the apocalypse of that pleasant oracle of intent
Or civil unrest’s cacophony transcribed by all the screaming voices in her head
How hollow are spiral’s suggestions when everything points one way only
It is only hysteria her usual neurotic malingering perpetual self harming way
But when kaleidoscopes of irresistible chaos painted holograms in her mind
She resolved third eyes were just metaphors and confusion the basis for change
2017
Have you ever had that feeling
Where you feel numb
To all the pain
Physical and emotional
Where you want to throw up
And your visions blurry
Both your head and Eyes hurt
From all the tears you shed
But it not just any tears
Its tears of love and hate
You love a few things
But hate a lot more
You love someone
But he cant be there for you
He wishes to be there for you
Next to you
Helping you heal from all the pain
The pain people caused you
The pain from self harming
The pain from it all
You hate your family though
Their supposed to be there for you
But their not
They only care for themselves
They don't care for you
They never even loved you
They just put you through misery
Even when the know your having a bad day
This is just one of the poem I wrote so far
About my pain I have
About the feelings I feel
About the stuff I go through
I write to express my feelings
The feelings I keep inside
Through out the words
That people might understand
I draw to show how I feel
So you can see it
See the hurt and pain
In just one masterpiece of mine
The colours that you bring to me,
Bitter, sweet, wounded emotion,
Cornered, threatens my mortality,
Sinner, romanticized glory,
Cover of shameful intention,
Take a stool, this is my story,
Relapse, relapse, this ain't a game,
Rehabilitation, again and again,
Reacuring nightmares,
My parents shame,
Anxiety levels,
Ice to flame,
Sweating and shaking,
When 0% proof,
Panic attacks,
Your through the roof,
Pose for the picture,
When the police ask,
Fingerprints, handcuffs,
Alcohol filled cask,
Lorazepam, diazepam,
Temazepam, and more,
Subutex, tramadol,
I Take them all,
Cut and bleed,
Self harming,
Overdose, poisoning,
Jump off scaffolding,
Got my scars,
In my head and skin,
Fighting hard,
And still living......
I teeter and totter right on the edge
of sanity.
When these walls are painted black,
darkness becomes me.
I'm not myself, during this time I'm
climbing walls.
Hands in my hair pulling, and
scratching my scalp.
What feels good is self destruction
now.
You'll call me crazy, long to put me
in a cage and contain me.
I cannot distinguish this ache.
My mind is filled with an explosive
pain, the measure of escape is more
pain.
Hurt diminishing hurt is the only
way.
I relish in the smell of my burning
flesh.
The knife scarring my thin skin
makes the adrenaline rush.
Don't let me get into what the loss
of oxygen brings.
I know I am not sick, just sick—if it
makes any sense.
I can't scream like others when I
ache.
My voice too small, feelings though
not so much meek.
But my soul is weak.
This self harming does something
wonderful to me.
I am letting it all go for a moment,
because it doesn't fade.
It'll always stay the same.
One day I'll make brave—change
the course of my painful fate.
Until then give me lighters, and
razor blades.
I used to think I needed help to stop this self harming craze.
But today I realize I love the way my blood runs from my veins.
It reminds me that I have the strength, to live, to die.
I may cut, its my way to survive.
You can sit here and cry because I must hurt myself.
And I'll try to hide this part from you cause you think I want to die.
You have your drugs, I have my scissors.
We all harm ourselves to survive.
There will never be a day were I truly want to die.
Nothing hurts worse then suicide.
Trust me, I'd never leave you.
But know, this is like ecstasy the way the steal lets me be free.
Find some clarity some peace.
I dont cut to realase the pain, or to play some childish game,
with life or death.
When you know that a close friend is in a lot of pain,
You just want to help her so she doesn’t have to feel that way again.
You try to reassure her that everything’s ok,
But you know yourself that feeling Okays a long way away.
You know you need to get them away from the evil that she calls dad,
You never want to leave their side in case he decides to come home mad.
When you see the way she blames herself for her fathers actions towards her
mum, and the way she doesn’t confront the problem she just wants to hide and
run.
When she turns to alcohol and self-harming to try and ease her pain,
The young girl that you know is never going to be the same.
You are there for support but support is not enough,
She needs extra help and guidance, she needs her families love.
All you can do is be there for her, at school and on the other end of the phone,
But the one thing that you want but can’t do is get her out of the war that she calls
home.
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