there is beauty in falling in love
like soft spring
the sun blazing in all its bright glory
but not too harshly
the clouds adrift - patchy enough to let the light seep through
the trees create a wonderful view
even the flowers bloom differently
and when the fall comes
the leaves leaving their branches
almost flowing through the wind
to end up on these pavements
there is also beauty in letting go
They say you can change
Overnight
With a snap of your fingers
I’d be lying if I said I believed that
They said your emotions
Can rise and fall like you’re in a non-stop
Roller coaster
The doctors tell some of us to take pills to feel human
Yet I’d relapse faster than
Feel any change at all
There’s a constant war and struggle
In my head and mind
Trying to forget my past
And focus on the future
But I happen to zone out
Every time
Am I Prometheus
Chained to all the burdens in life
Unable to unwind and look
To the bright side
Even if there isn’t one
Will I be Icarus
Falling to my death
With only a few who’d care about me
While the rest have turned their
Backs on me
Wouldn’t it be better
To be able to hibernate like a bear
Going unwatched, unnoticed
As life slowly drifts on
Haven’t you ever been asked
Who are you
And you just don’t know
What to reply
Because
You haven’t found your purpose
In life
Like I haven’t found mine
Either
Maybe I ought to take those pills
And see if I stopped fighting
See if I could relapse
And be where I wanna be
And I'm starting to remember
What I'm trying to forget
My sober state of mind
Is giving me a fit
Demons in my head
I can't take a
More I think about it
The mader i get
My demons win again
It's time to take a hit
Who am I kidding
I'm so inadequate
I'm Just a drug addict
I can never quit
Put the gun to my head
and just get it over with
Which reminds me
I'm starting to remember
What I'm trying to forget
Insanity©
10/12/23
By: Dustin Branum
worry, worry curse, worse
hurry, hurry rant, pant
scurry, scurry… shout, pout bail
fail
busy, busy fight, bite jail
dizzy, dizzy spit, hit
in a tizzy… growl, howl
Once crashed the waves in tempest’s storm,
and blew the wind as sails were torn.
Once drove the rain against frozen skin
as darkness took the vessel in.
Once void of any hope at all,
trapped deep inside the prison’s wall,
beneath the crushing weight of lead
but faintest light shown from ahead.
Then in a moment, skies were clear
and ocean’s calm dispelled the fear.
It seemed blue skies meant all is well.
The storm has past now mend the sail.
So gave I way to those who care,
and bent the knee and found what’s there -
pure wine upon the lees in hand
and from it, strength to make a stand.
But drifting time brought slumber’s sleep
as wind reversed across the deep.
Blue sky gave way to churning black.
Nowhere to go, no turning back.
For little deeds allowed back in
like seeds of tares took root again
and oh, how fast the vines did grow.
And I had nowhere left to go.
Once back again in tempest’s hold.
Now worse the winds, now worse the cold.
The brief blue sky and radiant warm…
was only the eye of the storm.
Footsteps echo in the corridor of doubt
A thoughtless mind in lasting drought
Dried up thoughts = washed up habits
Habits sprint like wild jackrabbits
Peaking like a vicious storm crashing ashore
Spreading like a wind-blown poisonous spore
Quick to arrive and leave like molasses
An IV drip through jade-colored glasses
Finally absent with absconded talent
An effort must be made which is gallant
Habitual company was a psychological ally
Fool’s gold with cratering lows and smile so wry
Laborious efforts chased away idiosyncrasies
Stillness in idle dimensions begins to squeeze
Echoes turn to laughter then escalate to shouting
Distinctive accents with tunnel vision spouting
Usher the consigliere back to increase productivity
Compulsive companion whispering notes of creativity
Sweet surreal thoughts return to illuminate possibilities
Cautiously withdraw avoiding cloak and dagger hostilities
A quake took place
between my shoulder blades
teeth ground to dust behind my face
the scraping of tectonic plates
scared me to my hiding place
bottles and blankets, a child’s space
it cannot withstand the shakes
that are now all too commonplace.
Soon as you think you have it all together
A gust of wind knocks down the house of cards
I thought I was starting to get the hang of me but now I don't know which hand I'm playing
Holding a full hand only to get straight flushed down the toilet
The tissue is gone because I've been crying and blowing my nose like I'm sick
Well, I'm sick of you
So, sick I run right back to you
I can't shake this cold from the shivers of loneliness
And you're only a text away
Another road to you filling potholes with broken concrete
Feels like my heart is set in stone because it's hard to move away from you
Even though it's better for you...
I say to myself
Well, this will be the last time
Which is what I said the last time
Lying to myself to feel better about the poison I continue to digest as if it's healthy for me
Maybe you're good for me
Lying to myself
p.s. when are you going to tell the truth...
when we could collapse
what we had was a relapse
filled would be the gaps
things had been a drag
did have to apply a tag
we would brag and brag
~one step forward, two steps back; once sober, again drinks funny water~
Date written: 08/29/2022
Across the millennia,
discussing the lapse:
infra or sub or
supra, perhaps?
A logical ordering
somewhat rehearsed…
Did God have to wait
or work it out first?
Is He sin’s author?
His decree permissive?
Certainly don’t mean
to be dismissive…
A no to the first,
the next, some degree,
'tis mostly man’s pride
declaring self free.
These sequenced events
would seem ‘gainst His nature;
He knew and it was
in my nomenclature.
----------
H/T To Maurice Rigoler's Prelapsarian
There are so many pieces
That make up my story.
What is recovery?
Can I recover my sobriety?
Save me from myself,
I'm slipping up,
slowly sliding down the slippery slope.
Spiraling the drain,
as the snakes lure me,
Let's see how much I have let go.
On the verge of
Lost progress,
I relapse on repeat, like a record,
Broken
Stuck on the same sound.
Save me from myself,
There's a lot more to live for
When you're living clean and sober.
Substances saturate my subconscious,
subduing my ability to fail.
Ready to feel,
I welcome numbness
and I refuse to comedown.
I'm sorry,
I hid getting high
And I'm sorry.
I lied,
Save me from myself
I feel myself faltering,
Slowly slipping,
The facade is falling.
I suck at pretending
To be okay,
When I want to give up.
I feel like an eff up.
I can’t afford to fail.
I’ve got too much to lose,
To throw in the towel now.
I am strong,
Relapses do not define me.
I can still shoot for sobriety,
Save me a seat to the show.
I just had to rewind a little,
I’m not done yet,
My journey continues on,
Because I can overcome
This and anything.
Let recovery win,
Wake up,
me.
I'm not sure what she's using
though I have an idea
her body she's abusing
and her mind has anaemia
as the excuses drip off her tongue
as to why she can't call
not the first to be sung
not the last bar room brawl
helpless I wait
til she tells me these truths
I'm a fish after bait
being trolled to the truth
not to sound dramatic
but what a disaster
her brain is rheumatic
her vice is her master
I hear her cry from a distance
though stifled and cold
hope I break through the resistance
a story of old
temptation is fond
of those who are weary
I'll swim through this pond
and escape the hook of the leery
I met you, you met me, I fell in love directly
the moment passed by but my soul got stuck in there exactly
I think your vibe's deadly, coz it's killing me every
waking hour, I don't even know what's more unhealthy
obsession I'm obsessed with or the love that I'm blessed with
I wish I had a lady for in gown for the tux that I'm dressed in
I'm sitting by my self on a table meant for two
in a networking event no-one seems to be getting through
I don't even have a clue, don't even know what to do
all this liquor feels water, coz he alcohol, it's you
now the family feels neutral and friends overrated
because no-one gets the point and I'm all over explaining
now I'm tapping to a self' where my heart, I don't engage it
all the plane of emotions, affections I'm tryna harbour and cage them
And on the very noon I'm feeling myself and relaxed
I spot you in the crowd alone, here I come, relapse
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