Long Hold out Poems
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...A flush of green-yellow liquid poured out
and disappeared into a large floor drain,
a fetal figure was slumped in the chamber,
and to Tom he couldn’t seem much more plain,
a human being like him, just the same…
He thought he had done it, but had no such luck,
because then, to his horror, the man stood up!
Tom stumbled back as the person stepped out,
and blathered, “But…n-no…how can this be?”
The man just chuckled when he heard Tom’s words,
said, “Yes, many people have asked that of me.”
Tom stammered, “How are you able to speak?
You should be like a child, brainless and lost.”
Said Pete, “Or maybe, your theories are off.”
But Tom still wasn’t willing to say this,
his programming still argued with his own eyes,
he said, “Who are you?” The man replied, “Jesus.
You used my blood, who did you think was inside?
I thank you for helping me to arrive.
You’re not the first Thomas was has had doubts,
I said I’d come back, but I never said how.”
Jesus then walked forwards, right to Thomas,
still as naked as the day he was cloned,
he put his hand on Tom’s shaking shoulders,
said, “Don’t’ be afraid, I’ve long called you my own,
You and your colleagues…no real faith have you known.
You think they’ll reject you, and yes, they will,
but don’t fear, I’ll show you something greater still…”
He squeezed his hand, showed the Truth to Thomas,
let him see beyond the bonds of mere time,
the past, the future, beyond reality…
the perfect gift for analytical minds,
Tom fell to his knees and whispered, “Sublime.”
Of course, Jesus helped Tom back to his feet,
then turned and smiled warmly towards Pete.
He said, “The wisest man amidst the egg-heads,
and it happens to be the janitor,
not only that, one who looks so much like
His much beloved ancient ancestor.
How could I return to Earth with no Peter?”
Said Pete, “I’ll follow, but don’t tell my dad,
he’s the kind who thinks all religion is bad.”
Jesus laughed, “Well, let’s hold out hope for him,”
then nodded towards Thomas where he stood,
“There’s plenty out there waiting for the Truth,
together we will accomplish much good.
Let us all go now, yes, we really should.
First we must seek out the others like you,
They’ve a part to play, and we’ve much work to do…”
Angry, hateful words shot back and forth like bullets in the air
Accusations, retributions—all tossed around without a care.
Hurtful words thrown around yet the innocent were hurt the most.
She didn’t want to hear and that familiar sense of dread grew.
She ran into her closet--the only sanctuary she knew.
Shouting, loud noises of anger and rage pierced her bedroom door
As the closet walls barely muffled the voices that seemed to roar.
She pressed her hands to her ears, her body rocking back and forth
Drowning out the familiar sounds—silent tears started to fall.
She mumbled first then louder, pressing against the closet wall.
Her eyes squeezed shut and she begged God to take her far, far away
To some family that loved her—someone who’d want her to stay.
A place where anger and resentment weren’t felt from day to day.
She asked Him for help, closed her eyes tightly, squeezing out a tear.
Silence was heavy, she opened her eyes, dreading that same fear.
She had kept her eyes closed tightly as long as she possibly could.
Then, she wiped away her tears, knowing that it would do no good.
She had gotten used to feeling forgotten long, long ago but
Just once she hoped that finally someone who cared would listen
Someone who cared enough for her and would show some compassion.
Sometimes at night I think of that little girl in the darkness
Desperate in her begging and pleading in her loneliness.
I wonder, what if someone had noticed how unhappy she was
Or noticed that at school she played alone but no one seemed to care.
If only she could have found someone who cared, someone somewhere.
In my mind I open that closet door and see her tear-stained face
I hold out my hand to her, smiling as she leaves that dark place.
“Some day you will leave this house and never come back, I promise.”
I whisper, “Eight years from now your life will be so much better.”
Then, I tell her the one thing nobody else has—that I love her.
She’d look up in disbelief as I kissed her wet cheek softly.
The words of affection are alien and she’d look at me.
I’d hug her a long time and say, “I’ve come back to give you hope.”
Then I would stand up and tell her as she’d beg me not to leave.
“We will meet again in many years, you just have to believe”.
A dream broken open left to decay away
Another undoing left to go through the skewing and the scathing
Called raving mad, angry, and sad
As above so below
We are what we know
I won't go away so easily repeatedly
Told eyes of golden beauty to the monstrous reapers keeper
"You will never be anything of what you seek"
"What we have you never reach"
Sad and bitter truth in a world obsessed with outer appearances and disgusted by the thin shell of our bodies crust
What lies beneath should be sook but pray never is
First show us aesthetically appeal, kneel and, never speak against us
Our world is filled with many beautiful things pray we are complex and contradictory to those things but,
Give us wings and we can soar higher then the heavens past the moon
Past now past soon
Pray me an ugly thing who saw beauty in everything and now my scorched heart bleeds to a broken beat and i no longer see those things as I once did
I fled or they hid
Now I run with the sun and the monster they saw I became
Driven insane by the ravenous and perpetual stream of my minds eye
I have forgotten how to cry
Lost amongst the ashes in a time well remembered
A cold, dark, and bitter December but,
My hope though a dying ember still burns and it yearns to ignite
Here in the words I write
In the nights I lay awake and toss to turn my view of this dark abyss of broken dreams into my one wish
I used to wonder what crashing thunder could bring and i would sing so loud so proud of everything and everyone
I was shunned made a fool
I no longer hold out my hand in hopes of camaraderie
Beauty took the best of me it cannot have the rest of me
I keep myself well hidden from the world around me
A diamond unrefined still shines in the light but dims in the dark of night
I will glow when the day finds me and be sullen and cold when the night binds me
Forever golden, Forever frozen
A contradicting scheme of unfathomable torment
A wide river flowing endlessly with harsh turns, rigid rocks, and cold that shocks
At every turn another fall into a deep well an icy hell
This river that twists and turns you that scorns and burns you lasts for eternity
It rages on endlessly
This is my reality
A raging river searching for the sea
I do believe this was done to me treated me like a good girl but disposable,
a crutch and nothin but moldable,
to understand your ways and how or why u do things,
regardless of the hurt you know it brings.
I trusted you, took your advice,
took ur words for granted, never thinkn twice.
You said you a method to your madness,
well its not like I planned to feel like this.
Sometimes your words hit home too hard,
its like you're showing me how to keep up my guard.
Taught me how to make things casual, before that would never fly,
you allowed me to be comfortable in second place, the common rules of affection need not
apply.
Always claiming 'I'm cool' and all,
Yet you don't catch me until right before I land from my fall.
It seems like the times u don't care are the only times to try with u I dare.
I'm not askin for love or even lust I just wish that in you I could 100% trust.
I try too hard and It pushes u away,
slowly but surely teaching me to keep my feelings off display.
At times I feel ur simply tryin to be distant, but other times u make it seems obvious ur
feelings are nonexistant.
I know your heart is somewhere else and its time I've finally learned,
regardless of my efforts, your heart's never to be earned.
I want to be loved solely, a reputable one and only,
even if its never by you, I can't spend my life lonely.
Because of you I shut people out, never give them a proper chance,
cause half of me's still drawn to you seein if you'll ever give the chance.
People say I'm a great catch and ask me why I'm alone,
I simply say 'ehh its been 3 years, I thrive better on my own.'
Much of this is very valid, all of it to me seems true.
Seems with most people I could care less but somethin was different w you.
I'm not askin you to be more affectionate, or change your every thought,
I just hope you find the love you always hold out for, the bigger and better one you've
always sought.
This is in no way meant to be rude, selfish, mean, or crude.
I've just been thinkin about things a lot, guess I've changed my attitude.
You mean the world to me, and have my heart you always will.
I just can't make myself someone I'm not, the expectations ill never fulfill.
Form:
Twilight, oh beautiful twilight,
the foreboding before the dawn;
that such beauty can exist in such ill air-
is beyond me to understand,
as the first rays of light caress the darkness,
I cannot help but feel ashamed-
that I can't appreciate it.
I'm ashamed that I'm awake at this ungodly hour,
staring at the yonder sky when I ache for warm mattress cushions-
and a fluffy pillow comforting me;(maybe even a warm glass of milk)-
it all feels so far away, all I can do is gaze at the twilight.
I have to sit on a bench instead of a chair, hoping that someone will notice-
that I'm sitting here, that I'm not invisible, forsaken by the clouds above;
all I have is twilight now.
I see dawn approaching, I sat here all night; what else can I do but sit? I don't want to
sleep here-
and be judged. I don't sleep in the cold, I'm not an animal!
And I hope I never have to eat like one either.
Every day is getting colder, and the looks I get are especially frigid;(get out of my
sight! Disappear! We don't want you here!) they ignore my tears.
I don't want to sit here, I don't want to be invisible anymore!
I want to be a human being again.
I don't want to huddle for warmth-
on a bench, risking some authority will arrest me for loitering or beat me!
The world is not made for human beings or animals, it's made for possessions and wealth-
and somehow having neither is a crime and I sit in my first hours of despair wondering how
long my humanity will hold out, before I go feral?
So here I am enjoying the beautiful twilight and the incoming dawn,
never stayed up late enough or awoken early enough to see it before,
I see the sun's orange face emerge from the mask of shadows and-
begin to color the book's blank pages red, creating colors like no others-
I'd ever seen.
I weep with golden tears, having seen a painting that no museum could ever hold.
I try to renew my hope in what could be and what should be, trying not to think about what
I- no longer have as my stomach ache returns and the threat of hunger is too much for me
to hold, I retreat into my mind, imagining a warm room in which I tell a close personal
friend about a bright, glistening twilight.
Form:
Wandering Ways
I walked many places and what I only saw was paths not chosen
These paths are what to take when there are many things in life
For most of the time I walk it just to walk it, to recognize things
The path that I have chosen sometimes reckless but caring
Wandering ways from what I usually do and I just walk my path
Quietly notice that silence is the key to just the peace that is
I gather my strength by self and only I can do it or no one else
The path might be full of thorns and thick shrubs that bites
The feeling of slashing, pulling, tugging, and most of all be held
The thicker it gets the harder the path, yet when I am through
I feel that I am relieved that that I took the path just because,
The aches and pains seldom occur, but most of all I have believed
I am one to hold out my hands through each path, this is me
I don’t know how I do it my hand just passes through and reaches
One by one I help the ones that need the direction that I went
So full of heart I seldom think they should do it themselves
I grew to know that It was O.K., but only help when paths are thick
Thick of moments that are tempting, saddening, and hopelessness
Wandering ways can be so much grief, and feeling of no relief
This is why one must go through it, and push down the brushes
And pull and tug on them to make it clear for others
I did not say I just walked through the brush to be held back
I did not say that I would stop because it was thick and it hurt
I did not say my mental stress was to a point of breaking
All I just said was I picked a path full of brushes
That pulled and tugged, bit me through and through
So that the experience would actually be my teaching tool
I did it just to do it, No! I did it so I can show
My resistant to all the harshness of life can bring
But all of that is a Wandering way of one vivid imagination
That pulls others back to reality that the path is not for them
But if they like they can take my hand and experience it
Much more gentle and more elegant than the harshness
That I experienced, because I went through it and I believed
My wandering ways is just the way I am and it is a relief
In the end
I walk amongst them but nobody sees
I blend unnoticed
As I inhale my disease
The air is constricted causing me to fall
All the things which once mattered
Now seem not to matter at all
Going nowhere just standing still
Trapped inside of loneliness
Since the day I grew ill
Clocks keep spinning around me so fast
I grow dizzy
As I look back onto my past
I see faint memories of who I used to be
I see myself before I was infected
And remembered what it felt like to be me
I breath in the disease and then hold in my breath
Again & again
Causing me to walk one step closer to death
Given a battle to fight without a chance
I stood there with no weapon
like a dancer without music to dance
The disease has stolen my dreams
I walk beside you unnoticed
unraveling at the seams
After inhaling my disease I’m trapped in one spot
I vanish into a cloud of empty time
Whether I want to or not
I hold out my hands but no one is there for me
I walk beside you
Why can’t u see?
I call your name but am not heard
I try to scream
But I’m unable to utter a word
My body is tired and my mind is awake
I am numb
I can’t feel yet I continue to ache
Shadows surround me without any signs of light
I walk amongst u
Simply pretending to be alright
The disease has planted its roots deep inside
The day I had been infected
Was the day that I died
I walk beside you smiling as if nothing is wrong
Pretending to be like you
Although I haven’t been for so long
Blending into the crowd until I fade
Vanishing into a realm of sorrow
Inside the lonely life I made
Knowing soon I will meet my end and have to say goodbye
I no longer am afraid
And I no longer cry
The disease made me numb and is all that I feel
I stopped crying
My hopes and dreams no longer have appeal
I take a deep breath but still gasp for air
The disease surrounds me
I can’t find an escape but no longer care
Infected with an illness which has become my only friend
Will anyone remember me
Will anyone be there in the end?
I close my eyes yet no longer dream
The world around me vanishes
Nobody hears me frantically scream
Line of inquiry:
“as we passed her she did wilt
which caused in us sense of guilt
since our stance perhaps did cause
to put her heart’s joy on pause
though we’re gentle, not hostile
we diminished her soul’s smile
since our aura as she viewed
scent of love did not exude”
~ Unseeking Seeker
******************
Are we perceived as hostile beings
by flora that we tend in our gardens?
If we intimidate petals of peonies
each time we walk past their stems,
we should make amends and ask for pardon.
Is the pink tint of their blush mistrust of us?
Withering zinnias and wilting wisteria!
We wouldn't want to burden them with fear
when we speak of how lovely they'd look
in a crystal vase, set upon our parlor mantle.
To ease their worry and not cause their tears,
in our pockets, we don't carry pruning shears.
We personify flowers as if they have feelings—
but do our innuendos have that effect on people?
We label shy ones as loners or 'wall flowers'
who pull back, often going unnoticed for hours.
Do some of us unintentionally cause that reaction?
If this proves true, we need to take a moment
to have in depth contemplative consciousness,
a change in our stance and make an atonement
if it's determined we're at fault— guilty.
If so, our aura indeed has need of correction.
One that shows us emanating a kinder reflection.
The one who wilted as we passed by—
was she the shrinking Violet we refused to see?
Would we bring her heart joy if we paused
and spoke to her with a gentle greeting?
Words that would give the fragile one cause
to not think of us as hostile and vile?
If a kind word is spoken with a sincere smile
wouldn't those greetings be worthwhile?
It's plausible that we'd then have a pleasant scent,
the treacly aroma of consideration and love.
Time taken to say, 'hello' would've been well spent.
Hold out a hand as a metaphorical invitation to dance.
It might give a wallflower the confidence and the chance
to stand tall and no longer cringe at being approached.
If we've been at fault for diminishing the smile in souls,
offer them emotional strength. Be someone who consoles.
I check my empty bank account
And wonder how am I gonna make it.
I look at those red numbers
And think I can no longer take it.
I have trouble breathing
Because I am barely staying afloat.
I wish someone would help me,
Come save me with a lifeboat.
The bills keep piling up,
The collection calls never stop.
How did I hit rock bottom
When I was so close to the top?
I look upon my child's face,
My happy and charismatic baby girl...
I broke my promise to her
Because I can't give her the world.
Christmas was my favorite holiday
Now I dread December 25th.
I can't afford what she deserves
Because it's hard to buy even one gift.
Birthdays are just as bad.
I can't celebrate my child's big day.
It's hard to disappoint my child
Because I never imagined it being this way.
I have to figure out which bill will be late
How much gas I will need to get me by
How much money I can use for food
It's so frustrating, I just want to cry.
That seems impossible
Because I've already cried two rivers.
Every time I try to swim upstream,
Currents keep pushing me downriver.
It breaks my heart to look at my child,
Oblivious to all the negative
And realize that my beautiful offspring
Is my main reason to live.
I laugh to keep from crying
And so many people don't even know
Just how bad my situation is;
All they know is what I choose to show.
I keep a smile on my face
So people won't ask too many questions.
I try so hard to stay positive
Living in this detrimental recession.
I've gotten to the point that I can't cry anymore
And I sit still with that Novacane feeling.
As I continue trying to hold out on faith,
I find myself constantly kneeling,
Praying to God asking for strength,
Asking for some way over this hump,
Believing He will fix my pain
And help me overcome my financial slump.
I looked around and wondered how some had it so easy,
How I'm the one that has to struggle and others don't
But then I realized, I don't know their story
So I try not to compare mine to the unknown.
I just have to keep my head up
Do my best to stay strong for my family.
I believe that God's got it
And He knows just what's best for me.
Don`t be fooled by the face i wear,for i wear a thousand masks and none of them
are me.Don`t be fooled, for god sake don`t be fooled
I give the impression that im secure,that confidence is my name and coolness is my
game,and i need nobody,but don`t believe me.
Beneath dwells the real me, in confusion,fear and loneliness that`s why i hide behind of this mask i`ve created,to shield me from the glance that knows,but such a glance is my salvation,that it is followed by salvation,
it is followed by loveIt`s the only thing that can liberate me from my own
prison walls.
I`m afraid that deep down i`m nothing and no good
and you will reject me.
And so begins the parade of masks,i idly chatter to
and tell you everything that means nothing,and nothing that is everything
that is is crying within me,so please listen carefully as i try to hear
what i`m not saying. I want to be genuine spontanious and me
but you please help me,hold out your hand.
Each time you are understanding, kind and gentle, the harsher i strike back.
My heart grows very feeble wings.
Your sensitivity, empathy and power of understanding
you alone can release me from my self built wall
and lies my only hope.
Beat down these walls with firm hands,but gentle
for a child who is sensitive.I`m someone you know well,
for i am every man you meet, i am every woman too...
I AM ALSO YOU.
Paul Beadnall.
Sponsor Tracie ~*~ A solitary sonnetist
Contest Name Everyone knows, anything goes...
This was copied from a wall from a Mental hospital wall, i didnt know the Author
but do now Mr. David Summers (1966)
.
This shone light back into my days..
I read this when i was in a torrid time in a mental hosptal ( unknown author)