You tell him said the sweet tooth elf
With candy cane all over his face
I would said the supervising elf
But I'm too busy running this place
Maybe Dasher could tell him
For he likes him the best
Dasher's not here said the elf police
He's retaking his flying test
What about Dancer, he could do it
Like a singing telegram
Dancer won't do it he's still mad
You ate the last of his jam
Well Prancer can't do it that's for sure
He acts like he owns the place
He'll strut over here then strut over there
Don't he know he's just taking up space
Well what about one of those other deer
Surely one in the bunch is brave
Vixen, Comet, Donner and Blitzen
And Rudolph's nose are exploring a cave
Then who will tell Santa, it's almost here
It's time for Christmas to start
And Christmas can't come again this year
If you don't let love in your heart
Hey wait just a minute, something's wrong
I think that I missed one above
Yeah you missed Cupid, he'll tell him
He's also the Fairy of love
Dear Alan Titmarsh, how are you.
I do hope you and everyone else, enjoyed themselves at the do.
If you are ever in Ruddington,could you please give me a hand.
I’m trying so hard to create a garden, with a matchbox sized piece of land.
I don’t seem to have green fingers at all.
All the heads of the flowers, just jump off, when I’m playing football.
Everything I touch, and try to grow, seems to shrivel up and die.
It doesn’t seem to matter, just how hard I try.
Today I have just planted the Christmas tree in a tub,
I hope it doesn’t get some awful bug .
I want it to grow, but everyone keeps telling me it will die.
If it does I will cry.
Next Christmas I want this tree outside with fairy lights on it.
But if it dies my husband will bin it.
Yesterday I planted 100 bulbs all in tubs
,
But they will probably go to Australia or get eaten by grubs.
Last week I watch the secret garden on TV,
That is how I really want mine to be.
So please can you come and give me a hand,
And create me a beautiful garden, with this matchbox size piece of land.
Now all throughout the land we hear it said,
'Humbug' rings the air both loud and clear,
As all throughout the land the bills are paid
With Christmas funds we held both close and dear;
Without them, Christmas joy we’d lose, I fear.
It’s time to send the funds you’ve set apart,
Ensuring that goodwill remains so near
And Christmas will remain inside your heart.
What kind of Christmas would this be.
I fell asleep while decorating the tree.
Santa woke me with a smile.
He said, "It's been a long while"
Then dumped Rudolph's dung on me!
*For Francine Roberts Christmas contest.
'Twas the night before Christmas and all through the hills
The kinfolk were drinkin' as they tend to their stills
The longjohns were hung by the chimney with care
No stockings were found, just underwear
The children were nestled so high in their bunks
Their quilts made of skins from rabbits and skunks
Granny with her false teeth and gun on her knee
Was waiting for Santa as she sat by the tree
From out of the barn there arose such a noise
We thought it was Grandpa drinkin' with the boys
But what to my wandering eye should appear
It was just cousin Cleatus in mama's brassiere
And then from the rooftop we heard it at last
Like the sound of thunder or a shot gun blast
We have Christmas dinner, it's finally here
Granny kidnapped Santa while we shot his deer
Venison all covered with onions for stew
And even old Santa enjoyed some too
His belly was full when he walked out the door
But he couldn't resist when we offered him more
Well that's the story of our Christmas here
Merry Christmas to all 'til the same time next year
Upon this very merry Christmas night,
Mrs. Claus has reason to be uptight,
Not Rudolph’s nose that’s red,
But Mr. Claus’s instead,
He rides slopes in sleigh with Miss Fanny Bright!
For Christmas Contest
Sponsored by Francine Roberts
There's Dasher and Dancer
Then Prancer and Vixen
Comet and Cupid
Then Donner and Blitzen
If you think these are reindeer
Then you would be wrong
And it's not crazy words
In some Christmassy song
See, they are my brothers
Don't anybody laugh
For these are hillbilly names
From Polecat Path
It's a place in the hills
In East Tennesee
On the top of a mountain
As high as can be
Here, Christmas is different
There's no reindeer or sleigh
We use an old covered wagon
It works better that way
We make toys in the smoke house
For most of the year
While smoking our hams
'Til Christmas is near
Then we load up the wagon
With granny on the reins
Her wooden teeth all gummy
With rootbeer stains
Now the wagon is pulled
By my brothers and I
We're plumb tuckered out
'Cause people can't fly
Well, you get the picture
About Christmas in the hills
It's a hillbilly adventure
On wagon wheels
Now there's much more to tell
But it's time to run off
'Cause we're loading the wagon
Your friend, Rudolph
Our Christmas tree
After we were married and Christmas would come near,
We would go buy a tree and my wife would dress it with care.
All through the holidays it stood straight and tall,
After the holidays I would drag it out through the hall.
I would drag it through the hall and down the stairs,
Balls and lights breaking all the way, but who cares.
My wife would ask, are you crazy,
I would say no this way was easy and I was just lazy.
Year after year buying a new tree, new lights and balls,
End of the season and there I go dragging the tree through the halls.
When we moved to our own home we had a tree for Christmas day,
End of the season I opened the door and out went the tree the same old way.
My wife and daughters said I was crazy and no more,
No more will a tree go out the door.
The next year there was a fake tree on Christmas day,
After the season they told me to keep away.
The family would say how crazy and about the extra money,
My only thought that it was funny.
So every Christmas stands a fake tree,
No more trees out the door by me.
The family is all gathered,
Just like Christmas Day;
All lined up in bikini’s,
Soaking up the ray’s;
The beach front sure is hot,
In the middle of July;
On the deck catchin’ catfish,
So we can have a catfish fry;
Playin’ beach volleyball,
In Daisy Duke shorts;
With friends and family,
Of all different sorts;
At night there’s a bonfire,
We’re all makin’ S’mores;
It’s so nice to spend,
Our Christmas outdoors;
It’s a gift to be here together,
And that’s what Christmas brings;
It doesn’t matter the time of year,
From winter to summer to spring;
And I sure love when Christmas,
Comes around in July;
All those warm and fuzzy feelings,
When the temperature is high!
Popcorn popping in the mircowave
Going to decorate the tree
Yutetide carols being sung
On the stereo
Seems like Christmas to me
We know that Santa's on his way
He is flying in his magical sleigh
And every grandchild has an
Enquiring mind
Wanting to know if reindeer really
Know how to fly
And so I'm offering this simple
phrase
For all the kids who just won't do
Merry Christmas , Merry Christmas to you
(To the tune of Chestnuts Roasting on an open fire)
'Twas the day after Christmas and all through the house
The children were sleeping, too tired to arouse.
When all of a sudden there appeared in the room
Mama in her dustcap, carrying a broom.
She tackled the tree, taking much care
To remove every light, the tree was soon bare.
She packed everything, put it safely away
On a shelf in the attic, until next Christmas Day.
She dragged out the tree, then heaved a big sigh,
Sat down with her coffee and had a good cry.
There is no rhyme nor reason
For Christmas shopping season
Only during this season do you find out things you never knew
Like 80 year old women get football scholarships to BYU
An old man saw a dress that was just his wife’s style
So he tackled the woman holding it in the third aisle
A daddy bought Elmo to give his child some joy
A nun said I got a gun, so hand over the toy
It isn’t bad enough that someone’s stepping on your toes
But she’s letting her kid pull off Rudolph’s nose
Then I hear Santa saying ha ha ha hee hee hee
Because ho ho ho isn’t politically correct you see
Now I’m fuming, if there was a fire I’d fan it
I began to wonder if I was on the right planet
A little old lady put a bruise on my face
Then smiled at me so I sprayed her with mace
No one can imagine the way I felt
Until I put some mistletoe on the back of my belt
One thing for certain next year I’ll try
To do my Christmas shopping in July.