I heard cries
saw swarms of fist
crack heavens walls
I knew at a ripped age, how
and how not to be.
Nights, I held these ears closed
in hopes to drown this house
that shook like an earthquake.
I learned to pick up clouds of
body parts that lingered from
stormy rains
I wiped mirrors clean with bleeding
hearts, stuck in sunken repeat.
Thorns pricked these tiny fingers
as I placed mishaps of I Love Yous
in glass jars.
I saw my mothers pinched face in a
constant contortion of why's, masked
by pleasing smiles to ease the thunderstorm
I was nine picking up shattered formalities
calling dysfunction normal
I remained quiet, hid in cupboards that
were dollhouses
But, the floods that consumed her washed ashore
and these ears were now home to roars that once
echoed in her room
“Kiss me,” she says—
her eye swollen, rimmed in red.
“Hold me,”
but not like that.
Not with fear pressed
into every rib.
He doesn’t answer.
Just slams the door.
“He loves me,”
she whispers to no one,
eyes darkening with
each retreating footstep.
Years of apologies
smear her reflection.
Each bruise
a disappearing act.
“He’s just under stress,”
she murmurs,
twins curled at her breast
like unanswered prayers.
“I push him, really.
He doesn’t mean it.”
She says this
with blood on her lips.
Still kneeling.
Still hoping.
He storms in.
“You filthy whore!”
And she flinches—
but not at the words.
At the familiarity.
The fist lands.
Again.
Again.
Like punctuation
on a life not hers.
“Make love to me,”
she begs,
but her body remembers
only impact.
Only art made
from suffering.
Blood spatters.
Scars bloom.
Her body,
a reluctant canvas.
“Surprise me with kindness,”
she thinks.
But bows her head:
“If not,
then beat me—
your highness.”
Somewhere, the children sleep.
Somewhere, a door doesn’t slam.
Somewhere,
love does not hurt.
If only I'd seen,
Your true colours shine,
Before your poisonous thoughts,
Could ever dominate mine.
Your toxic, degrading comments,
Began taking their toll,
Making me feel worthless,
Tactically destroying my soul.
Manipulating me to believe,
Way too many times,
I was completely crazy,
Guilty of YOUR crimes.
Searching for the evidence,
I could never find,
All just to prove,
Wasn't loosing my mind.
Still to this day,
My anger burns deep,
I once lost myself,
To a narcissistic creep.
SILENT HOMES
Silence
cloak of protection
worn longing for
heaven
sways in dust
settles
wistful
plays hide
then seek
walks valleys of unknowingness
and solitary alleys
naked wounds
shatter silence
of wounded birds
peeping through
torn curtains
hiding under unlaundered
sheets
those that witnessed
boiling water
screams
the terror of
war
in silent
homes
Silence writes
letters
to itself
never posts
them
they become
tears soaking
floral pillow
Silence goes to work
next day
Nothing
happened
Just a mouldy sandwich
in
her desk
drawer
I am not a door mat to walk over every day,
I am not an object you can use and put away.
I am not some one just to benefit your self,
I am not a bank machine to help you with your wealth.
You say you love me but you hit me when your mad,
I want to be happy but you just make me sad.
You use me as a punch bag when nothing goes your way,
Your always shouting in my face I never have my say.
You keep me from my family take away my phone,
You say I should be grateful I'm living in your home.
I am a human you can't treat me this way,
You were supposed to love me not hit me every day.
Not call me names or take away my phone,
or keep me from my family making me alone.
I got the strength to tell you I'm leaving you today,
You start saying sorry and begging me to stay.
You stood there in my way blocking that front door,
I'm not fooling for it again I have heard the sorry before.
I look in the mirror see my two black eyes,
Why did I put up with this? it's time to say my goodbyes.
you raised your fist to punch me and hit me in the head,
but I pushed you away with all my strength and walk out that door instead.
I had a great time.
I thought as I tiptoed across the floor, afraid to crack the eggshells.
Feeling the warmth of the morning sun hitting my face through the curtain.
Hearing the soft sighs of sleep coming from our marital bed.
I had a great time.
Denial comforts me.
I had a great time I smiled.
As I wash the blood from between my legs and throw my ripped underwear into the trash.
I wonder what I have to make for our breakfast.
What fun we had last night
I had a great time I think as the bacon pops and tears stain my cheeks.
He wakes.
Wrapping arms around my waist and kissing me on my head.
I am a good house wife
I think as I put his breakfast on a plate and sprinkle just the tiniest bit of antifreeze into his hot coffee
Won’t be long now.
Gosh what fun we had.
Ambiguous Domestic Abuse.
The hall mirror, has gone.
It was my cage door!
My daily changing reflection
side glanced swift as
an un-robed ghost i begin again,
last step stairs sitting,
stareing unblinked, eyeliner floods
cloud my slited vision, blurred
and faint pulsed, but no pain.
Stagnant the visionless mourning morning
it does not move, and
if you are awake, neither do I,
Beyond the gapeing splintered
front door, lies a tiny piece of
what could be, for me.
Betrayed in public, by two running colours
How can you look into the eyes of a child,
and find their fears arousing,
How can you raise your hand to a woman,
and call your self a man,
how can you control someone’s behaviour,
by being be so coercive and
How can you bully someone for a difference in their appearance,
how can you exploit the vulnerable and the needs of the elderly
and how can there be any excuse,
to inflict upon someone such harrowing abuse
I’ve carried those scars through every year,
The weight of a love that became my fear.
The one who should have been my guide
Was the very reason a part of me died.
No prayer, no plea, can make this right,
The truth still burns in the dead of night.
You chose to harm, you chose this path —
And I am still the proof of your aftermath.
IN SILENT SHADOWS::
Increasing in intensity
nightmares,
screams because the
instigator never
letting go,
entrapping the victim
never stopping with the
threats,
striking
hurting them with
abusive mannerisms
defending themselves as an
over taker
who now threatens my
safety and security.
Pain and torment over many years,
living like this always in fear,
in the silent shadows, never knowing what to expect,
fearing for your life,
wondering where is the knife? Trapped in the silent shadows.
Wanting to tell someone the story,
not to relive the gory, resolve to my silent shadows.
Seeking the encouragement to find my way out,
making my way with a loud shout, leaving without the shadow of doubt.
What I thought was love, was never love.
Out of the silent shadows into the light,
taking off and enjoying the flight,
What joy, what delight.
Finally free, finally at peace,
Free from the chains that bound me
among those Silent Shadows.
Should I stay or should I go?
Will the abuse stop?
Tell me, I want to know.
Fight or flight, I want to get it right.
No more assaults on me,
I ‘ll pack my bags and flee in the night.
The Price of Freedom
When will it happen again?
Didn't he love me like when we began?
Black eyes and a heart that won’t heal
Holding my own to stop the ordeal.
I knew if I did better, the assaults would cease.
My behavior did nothing to maintain the peace.
Nowhere to run and hide
he will catch me in a stride
Each lesson learned
Left wounds that burned
Don’t talk back
Or everything will go black
Keep your eyes on me
There is nowhere else for you to be.
You are mine to do as I please,
You will put out when I tell you and not be a tease.
You are trapped with no way out
His betrayal and abuse confirmed I deserved it, without a doubt.
Found my inner strength and voice
With my spirit intact, I made the choice.
My freedom would not be easy
The road to get there was not breezy.
I thank the Lord for His divine intervention
I left the abuse behind hanging in suspension.
I’m free at last and my life is a blast.
I suffered in silence
But could never hide the pain
From the marks on my face
To walking home in the rain
Everyday I tried to be perfect
But it did me no good
Everything I did was wrong
Which I misunderstood
The cuts and bruises healed
But inside they did not
Even though I’m not in that room
My heart never forgot
The helplessness you feel
It’s hard to explain
But you lose something inside you
And you never are the same
I hoped someone noticed
Just one person to care
But when I looked up for help
No one was ever there
The hall mirror, has gone.
It was my cage door!
My daily changing reflection
side glanced swift as
an un-robed ghost i begin again,
last stairs step sitting,
stareing unblinked, eyeliner floods
cloud my slited vision, blurred
and faint pulsed, but no pain.
Stagnant the visionless mourning morning
it does not move, and
if you are awake, neither do I,
Beyond the gapeing splintered
front door, lies a tiny piece of
what could be, for me.
Betrayed in public, by two running colours.
I am, wholly and completely,
lost without you.
I thought I could move on, use silly plies,
distract myself, but no.
My life can't move a single step,
without you at the hoe.
How naive I was to think you loved me.
I still try to trick myself so.
But how can I rectify
the swollen lips and black eyes?
Or was it me that did you wrong?
Did I annoy you, did I expect too much of you?
No I mustn't think this way.
Now you lay behind bars,
so why do I feel the prison is my own?
My life is so far from complete,
it could be rendered empty.
It is only my outer flesh that now remains.
And each day I feel my flimsy mask becoming ever looser.
I no longer eat, for my gut burns with anxiety.
I feel my future slipping from my grasp, and fear,
that unless a saviour in a male silhouette
should glance my way,
that my existence shall be inexplicably futile.
For the man that once defined my world, still claims me.
He has bore wounds that feel they shall outlast me.
I can only hope the scars will fade,
and that I can love again,
or better still, learn what true love is.
12.10.2020
Margaret dared to poke the bear
She thought she was so smart
With eyes of coal; she lacked a soul
And shot him straight through the heart
She sat and laughed at what she’d done
Because she thought she was smarter than everyone
She played the victim and tried to sway
the stares and talks of what people would say
When his family discovered what she had done;
their fight for justice had begun
So she packed her belongings and fled out of town
In the middle of the night, not making a sound
But it was too late, they already knew
All the things that she did do
You can run, you can hide
But you’ll never get away
The truth always wins; we know what you did...and prison awaits your stay.
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