why am i like this…?
god…
why does my soul feel so distant
from everyone i call mine?
i stand among them,
smiling—
like i belong…
but inside,
it feels like
i’m slowly disappearing.
if i have to stay another day it might just drive me mad
im counting weeks without a change, its been twenty nine
i just close my eyes and hope i’ll wake up fine
i just wait and see if i wake up to clear skies
not every meal should make me feel this nauseous
but now every number on the scale makes me more cautious
if i don’t think too much it almost feels like playing a game
my score goes higher the lower each digit gets
at least i’ll never turn to cuts and blades again,
at least not while i still have some common sense
i’ll just try to quietly erase myself
or at least i’ll make some changes while i play pretend
i’m looking for ways to disappear without a trace
right now it feels like that’s the best it gets
all my thoughts and prayers remain unsent
all letters to a god i don’t believe in
but i still wish he’d spare some time to try and save me
if he created me there’s no way he could forget me
at least i know i’ll never turn to cuts and blades again
at least not while i still have some common sense
NO FILES DISAPPEAR
HERE YESTERDAY NOW NOT HERE
EVIDENCE THEY FEAR
I have learned to vanish beautifully,
in the mirror:
today, I almost managed
not to exist.
I erased my shoulder,
as if it were an old guilt,
I lost a finger
that was still searching for you,
and that fragment of my heart
where words
were burning
like nameless saints.
What will remain tomorrow?
Perhaps only the page,
quivering softly,
like an angel’s skin
touched by your breath.
Disappeared? Moon on the wane - by...a shroud?
just a cloud... and some rain.
I know I'll see her again
on this sylvan, country lane.
Sometimes I dream of disappearing—without goodbyes, without maps, without a last glance back,
just this thought ignites my soul, a silent thrill in the desire for chaos,
I don’t know where I’d go, not really—just somewhere far, somewhere quiet,
maybe to a place where no one knows my name, where I can be loud or silent,
it’s not that I’m sad, not really—just tired of the same days endlessly repeating,
and the idea of starting anew feels like sunlight after rain,
so if I disappear, don’t look for me too soon, I’m not lost,
just becoming someone else, sometimes the bravest thing we do
is to leave before we start running, to leave a place without looking back,
seeking a corner of the world where silence sings and no clock measures time,
where I can breathe deeply, feel my heart find its rhythm in the peace of renewal,
and understand that sometimes, true courage is choosing to be yourself in the unknown.
I can make the world dissappear
in this moment all that I am is lost ,dissolving into the sunset
I smile as dusk comes to run her cool fingers through my hair
2025.4.13@08:03:00
Since I knew you, I have noticed
You seemed to enjoy playing games.
To match your mentality, here is mine.
If and only if you were looking for me,
We are in the same country, state and city,
But since you kept on disappear,
I can not see you, neither can you.
Right this moment, I am at
One of my favorite beaches,
Sunbathing on one of the banana lounge chairs.
It has a pattern of many stripes,
But not the colour blue and white.
After resting here for a while,
I shall leave and heading to east,
Where I go will be between here and the botanic garden.
As soon as the weather gets warmer,
I shall be emerged in the water,
Surrounded by a circle curve concrete path,
Where people can stand and walk pass
Between me and the sea.
I will float freely with many different movements,
From Breath Stroke, Back Stroke to Free Style,
What I love most is the dolphin and butterfly's.
When I dry up, I will head back to the public transport,
Which will take me home sweet home.
Now you know where I am,
Catch me if you can.
on the beach, eating ice-cream, under the sun
do you remember us, the world we lived in?
seagulls flew; salty breeze teased golden skin
gulls, cones, sun, disappearing one by one
My mind is so dense and thick,
Just like the fog on winter morning.
I shout for help,
I scream for life,
But it all disappear just like the echoes and fog.
~Byeol
In this dream
my heart itself is humid, life giving water in my lungs
I've become a place where the wild has grown
Every inch of me is forest
Free
See my beautiful branches ascending
I've always wanted to touch the sky
This is mine, the bed of Earth that holds me
This is a new beginning
A final prayer passing through my lips
In my dream I held it, precious and dear.
I wished to bring it to the waking world, here.
I wondered, "can I bring it physically,
or must it only be a memory?"
I've awakened bereft to find it's gone,
leaving me only with a lousy poem.
Only a memory of a key remains,
and I must continue to live in chains.
It is in the hottest month of April, The hot sun is disappearing slowly, Suddenly the sky is covered by clouds,
Mother is rushing towards the upstairs,
Tasty sago fryums are drying there, The south -west monsoon wind blows swiftly, Hot summer thunder is roaring loudly, Bright lightning is plucking the eyes, The cattle are running towards the sheds , Birds are taking asylum at the trees, A dust storm is circling the narrow streets, The nearby transformer bursts noisily, The entire domain is in dense darkness, No wonder,it's the sign of summer rain.
his presence
was rather
like a shadow
disappearing
from a wall
It was too heavy, I could not lift it
onto the page.
The poem was bleeding from an ancient wound,
I did what I could to mend and heal.
Some visions are male, some female,
some disclose themselves,
to be utterly alien to any sexual persuasion.
The poem was multi-dimensional,
I had to peel realty away from it,
as if it were swathed in Saran wrap.
Gradually it became lighter,
much lighter,
until it was more diaphanous
than a dragonfly's wing.
I could pin it upon paper now,
but many would still not see it,
nor ever name it.
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