A drag queen caused quite a disruption
with her latest drag show production.
While she sang with aplomb,
the full show was a bomb.
That's why she's called Eva Destruction.
At the Elks Club, the men blow a gasket
when they see the act for the Grand Banquet.
Her singing is so fine
and her dance is divine.
She's a drag queen: Helena Handbasket.
It's impossible to sneeze with your eyes open
Don't try it, you might blow a gasket
There's a bunch of other stuff you should know
Before they put you in a casket
Greece's anthem has over a hundred verses
The seventh inning must take forever
The eye of an ostrich is bigger than its brain
They've got nice personalities however
A goldfish memory is only three seconds
Damn it, can't remember the next line
There are over 300 dimples on a golf ball
I'm going to start counting mine
If they didn't add colouring to Coca-Cola
It'd be a ghastly shade of green
Cockroaches live nine days without their head
So they don't have a mouth to scream
A starfish apparently doesn't have a brain
Called one of my buddies a “Starfish”
He really thinks I'm paying him a compliment
Some days he can be quite thickish
If you bang your head against a brick wall
You use up 150 calories an hour
Milk that's been sitting in the sun for days
Is most likely the ultimate in sour
Not everyone's enamoured by my humour
At risk of my head being bopped
Say things in jest that are taken as serious
Chancing of a punch in the chops
Like when I once said to a very large lady
Pressing number two in the elevator
“That's just one floor, you coulda walked!”
Thought I'd end up on the floor
Another time down in old Cape Cod
In a store getting out of the sun
A lady knocked over a very large display
Yelled “Now look what you've done!”
Dear Cathie turned ten shades of purple
She was just about to blow a gasket
However luckily cooler heads prevailed
Considered myself quite fortunate
“Look before you leap” as the old saying goes
Often insert my foot in my mouth
Runs the risk of hard blows to the head
And injury to my parts down south
Haiku's are delicious, I eat 'em for lunch
With a side of guacamole to combat the crunch
Goes right to my basket
At times blow a gasket
I'm trying to get rid of this extra big lump
Food from other cultures broaden our dining experience
A venturesome spirit leads to makes us totally delirious
Expands our horizons
Cravings do widen
Till we blow a gasket, to our drooling we're oblivious
Silliness doesn't run in my family, it gallops
If you wanna be slim like Bugs Bunny, eat raw carrots
Other stuff you can do
Sneezing? A calorie or two
So pick out that booger before you blow a gasket
Haiku's are delicious, I eat 'em for lunch
With a side of guacamole to combat the crunch
Goes right to my basket
At times blow a gasket
I'm trying to get rid of this extra big lump
Haiku's are delicious, I eat 'em for lunch
With a side of guacamole to combat the crunch
Goes right to my basket
At times blow a gasket
I'm trying to get rid of this extra big lump
My energy level just recently got up and left
No matter what I'm doing, must take time for a rest
Else I'll blow a gasket
Wind up in a basket
Can always tell by the heaving of my chest
When I was teenboy, nothing else mattered
Than making out in the back of a Chevy
With a gorgeous young hottie with boobs to die for
Breathing became rather heavy
Now I'll try to behave coz the censors are watching
And your computers will probably short circuit
With the powers vested in me, I'll try to behave
But it'll be quite a challenge I'll admit
All my many friends I have here on the Soup
Are aware of my penchant for the naughty stuff
After all what's life about but to wiggle and jiggle
While parading around town in the buff
So far the censors haven't any reason to complain
I've been relatively prim and proper
But I sure can't keep this up indefinitely though
I'll blow a gasket as I get all hot and bothered
Eventually though, I catch hold of myself
Since a teenboy, I've actually learned self-control
Can now walk down the street without molesting girls
And the drooling I've controlled on the whole
So in closing I'll say this, my very good friends
There should be a law that allows us guys
The freedom to molest hot voluptuous young fillies
And make out in the back of a Chevy as a prize
© Jack Ellison 2016
Not everyone who sees a “Wolf” is really in much danger
For lone wolves are quite shy and only show a woodsy face
Not everyone who feels alone is really such a stranger
To friends that seem to ‘disappear’ at times without a trace.
It’s just at times life does intrude upsetting normal balance
Perhaps to focus on one friend for happiness not fair
Demanding where our strokes come from a useless form of parlance
And more joy found if we can trust what nature has to share.
For God has better things to do than spill what’s in your basket
And trusting that your friends still care could be the wisest move
To fume at what you can’t control in fact could blow a gasket
And trusting in herself is just how ‘Stella found her groove.’
Brian Johnston
February 27, 2015
Not everyone's enamoured by my humour
At risk of my head being bopped
Say things in jest that are taken as serious
Chancing a punch in the chops
Like when I once said to a very large lady
Pressing two in the up elevator
“That's just one floor, you coulda walked!”
Almost ended up on the floor
Another time down in Old Cape Cod
In a store getting out of the sun
A lady knocked over a large display stand
Yelled “Now look what you've done!”
Dear Cathie turned ten shades of purple
She was just about to blow a gasket
However, luckily cooler heads prevailed
Considered myself quite fortunate
“Look before you leap” as the saying goes
Often insert my foot in my mouth
Runs the risk of hard blows to the head
And injury to my parts down south
© Jack Ellison 2013
It's impossible to sneeze with your eyes open
Don't try it, you might blow a gasket
There's a bunch of other stuff you should know
Before they put you in a casket
Greece's anthem has over a hundred verses
The seventh inning must take forever
The eye of an ostrich is bigger than its brain
They've got nice personalities however
A goldfish memory is only three seconds
Damn it, can't remember the next line
There's over than 300 dimples on a golf ball
I'm going to start counting mine
If they didn't add colouring to Coca-Cola
It'd be a ghastly shade of green
Cockroaches live nine days without their head
But they don't have a mouth to scream
A starfish apparently doesn't have brains
Called one of my buddies a “Starfish”
He really thinks I'm paying him a compliment
Some days he can be quite thickish
If you bang your head against a brick wall
You use up 150 calories an hour
Milk that's been sitting in the sun for days
Is most likely the sourest of sour
© Jack Ellison 2013
Here stands a man who's just about to blow a gasket,
he has far too much washing in his basket,
he never asked for such a load,
and he feels it's time to hit the road,
before he does something he regrets,
I wouldn't be placing any bets,
on him sticking around for much longer,
the feelings inside him are growing stronger,
by the second, by the minute,
he really feels he's landed in it.
And all because his employment,
takes all his time, negates enjoyment,
he feels that it is sucking him dry,
and he really has the urge to fly,
to get away from his wage slave life,
the daily back watching, for the knife,
that is often stuck into the unwary,
the workplace is becoming very scary.
No loyalty exists there any more,
I think a lot of people know the score.
A numbers game is all it is,
the bottom line, do the biz,
because if you slow down, there are many,
worse off than you, who to make a penny,
they'd gladly jump into your shoes,
and ensure their gain, would mean you lose!
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