Best Wooden Leg Poems
```Pirate Bay the Haiku```
pirates fierce and mean
drowning fish, sea to sea
parrots on their butt
```Polly Wants A Cracker```
bloodthirst & brutal
Quartermaster Gone Wild
dirty wings on deck
```Sea World Adventure```
ship crew goes on strike
sailing the Caribbean
wooden leg splashing
~*~
He stands upon the salty,slippery deck,
Yelling yaargh matey ,
with a halfhearted pirate drawl.
He's not to impressed with himself,
not an eyepatch or wooden leg,
not even a hooked claw.
The parrot on his shoulder,
is a wannabee,
a sparrow that fell from the Crowsnest,
from high up above.
It has no quips ,or spikes,
or pirate quotes,
just nesting on his shoulder
with birdly kind of love.
Aye captain the crew responds,
snapping to their chores.
Tend the wheel ,lash the mainsail,
take the soundings
less we hit a reef.
The sea going life is not for every man,
walking the plank,storms and rickets.
Crabs in your knickers ,
really give you grief.
Aah but when the wind fills the sails to bursting,
yards of canvas strain to be free.
And the ropes play ,sea going music
of a tension melody.
A song that captures
every young buccaneers heart ,
and soul and fancy.
For the music of the wanderers life,
an endless expanse of blue,
bravehearts and fearless men find,
quite a bit too chancy.
Black Beard,Yellow Beard,
the famous Captain Blood,
were all fearless pirates of their day.
He truly knows that he can be,
a great one too.
If he could ever find that bleeping map,
and escape this landlocked bay.
I'd broken down beside the highway; my poor old car's just died,
and when I lifted up the bonnet you know I could have cried.
It’s a busted water hose, and of course I don't have a spare,
so I’m stuck here with my bonnet up and no houses anywhere.
What do I do! do I leave my car; hitch-hike to get the part,
or wait for someone to come along and let that be the start.
My decision was made up for me; a bloke pulled up behind,
and introduced himself as Eric, before - "What did you find?"
"Busted hose" Eric chuckled. "You better hop in the car with me;
I'll have one somewhere in my shed; come on we'll go and see".
He drove off the highway down a track that took us to Eric's door,
I never got a word in … Eric talked and talked then talked some more.
I thought I'd discovered 'Noah's Ark' when he pulled up the car.
Animals of all descriptions ran to us from near and far;
cattle, sheep, horses; some geese; chooks and a dog sat up to beg;
two donkeys with some goats and a pig which had a wooden leg.
Every animal is tame and everyone has got a name,
and every one expects a pat; then I needed Eric to explain.
"What happened to your little pig that has got a wooden leg?"
"Poor old Doris, We-e-ll, she's lucky", then, this is what Eric said.
“For Christmas I'd just killed the chooks; took 'em inside to the wife”.
She said “What about the leg of pork?” then she handed me the knife.
Doris ran to me with trusting eyes; right then I knew somehow,
as I placed the knife against her throat - I couldn’t kill this sow".
The Bishops bathe in Babylon
while Princes, prancing on the lawn,
watch Queen deflowered, pale and wan.
The King dares not defend her.
The Horsemen, holding broken reins
the Morning of the Hurricanes,
sigh “it’s no use, it’s all in vain,
the Saints will soon surrender”.
They wonder why they ever came,
they have No One whom they can blame,
they have no face, they have no name,
and even less, a gender.
The empty-handed Vagabonds
smoke stale cigars, stroke faded Blondes
while waiting at the walls beyond,
but kneel as Chaos enters.
They’re gazing through the window panes
in hopes that distant Hurricanes
will twist and break their iron chains
defying life’s tormentors.
The Fantom of the Opera frowns
as feeble minded Cleric-clowns
mouth hollow hurdy-gurdy sounds
when blessing doomed dissenters.
The Pirate wields a wooden leg,
with pupils dull and visage vague,
and if by chance he spreads the plague,
it really doesn’t matter.
His Princess, pale, no longer feigns,
foresees instead (down ancient lanes)
the coming of the Hurricanes -
the Stones stir, staring at her.
And Jackals scrape the river bed
as Savants soothe the underfed
and Crows, collecting scattered bread,
adorn, with crumbs, the platter.
The Jokers Wild and One Eyed Janes
weep, winding up in rundown trains
mid whispers of the Hurricanes,
and Priests refuse to christen.
They’re fleeing from the Leprechauns,
the cuckoo birds, the dying swans;
while pitching pennies into ponds
their eyes opaquely glisten.
The spectral Clocks with spindled spokes
remind the Mimes to tell the Folks
the time of day and other jokes,
yet No One looks to listen.
The Hunchbacks with contorted canes
galumph before the Hurricanes,
in melted sleet, in frozen rains,
in bruised and battered sandals.
Their Groans engulf the land of gulls,
the land of stones, the land of nulls,
and lurk between the blackened lulls,
for Nighttime brooks no candles.
Their prayers to Dogs and Nuns and Dukes,
(and other long forgotten Spooks)
are more than random crazed rebukes,
though taunting to the Vandals.
Continued in Part 2
Yo-Ho-Ho And Shiver Me Timbers
Shiver me timbers and loosen me limbers
I sail me sloop until it lin’ers
And drop anchor in t’ nearest lagoon
Bury me treasure chest full o’ doubloons
Then set off durin t’ next full moon
~
“Aarrr!” I’m happy go-lucky sea piratin Cap’n
With a short wooden leg and a limp, earrin’s, and rin’s on every fin’er
Metal silver hook for me left hand
Me cutlass, dagger, and dirk o’ me belt
Not a landlubber at all
~
Not a thin’ scares me that stand in my way
Especially when I’ve had a few grogs in me belly
Aye, I carry around me Ahoy! bucko Polly me parrot on me shoulder
That keeps me on t’ straight and narrow
~
They call me a barbaric and thief I don’t know why
A great insult t’ me, I just laugh into my handkerchief in disbelief
~
Don’t insult me temper because it gets carried away
Sarcasm, rudeness, and insults I cannot help
When swashbucklin’ scallywag get in me way
~
Me hearty weigh anchor
Or I’ll give ye a taste o’ walkin t’ plank
T’ Davy Jones’ Locker you will go and feed t’ fishes for mutinous
Dead men tell no tales!
~
Aye, aye, mates, pull anchor and set sail
I be Silver Hook a feared pirate that sails t’ seas
9/5/2015
Contest Name :A Pirate's Life For Me
Sponsor Name: Kelly Deschler
CHRISTMAS PORK
I'd broken down beside the highway; my poor old car's just died,
and when I lifted up the bonnet, you know I could have cried.
It’s a busted water hose, and of course I don't have a spare,
so I’m stuck here with my bonnet up, and no houses anywhere.
What do I do! do I leave my car; hitch-hike to get the part,
or wait for someone to come along, and let that be the start.
My decision was made up for me; a bloke pulled up behind,
and introduced himself as Eric, before - "What did you find?"
"Busted hose" Eric chuckled. "You better hop in the car with me,
I'll have one somewhere in my shed, come on we'll go and see".
He drove off the highway down a track, that took us to Eric's door,
I never got a word in … Eric talked and talked then talked some more.
I thought I'd discovered 'Noah's Ark', when he pulled up the car.
Animals of all descriptions, ran to us from near and far,
cattle, sheep, horses; some geese; chooks and a dog sat up to beg,
two donkeys with some goats, and a pig which had a wooden leg.
Every animal is tame, and everyone has got a name,
and every one expects a pat; then I needed Eric to explain.
"What happened to your little pig that has got a wooden leg?"
"Poor old Doris, We-e-ll, she's lucky", then, this is what Eric said.
“For Christmas I'd just killed the chooks, took 'em inside to the wife”.
She said “What about the leg of pork?” then she handed me the knife.
Doris ran to me with trusting eyes; right then I knew somehow,
as I placed the knife against her throat, I couldn’t kill this sow".
There was an old pirate named Greg
Who found a big hole in his keg
With no time remaining
And rum quickly draining
He plugged it with his wooden leg
Now, normally Greg would not balk
But this placed a limp in his walk
Yet each one of his mates
Felt it planned by the fates
That both ship and captain ... should rock.
~ 1st Place ~ in the "Pirate Them,ed Limerick" Poetry Contest, Tania Kitchin, Judge & Sponsor.
(Syllables = 8,8,6,6,8 X 2, counted at HowManySyllables.com)
HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
Happy birthday to a lovely lady called Jan
Who's a poet from The Isle of Man
So please raise your glass
To a very nice lass
Burn (s) the candle at both ends while you can.
Have a great birthday Jan and enjoy Burns night, I've done you a few limericks, sorry I didn't have time to wrap them.
MABEL.
There was a thirty stone woman called Mabel
Who liked to pole dance on her table
She heard a loud crack
Fell off broke her back
Now cannot get up she's not able.
MEG
There was an old woman called Meg
Had woodworm in her wooden leg
The leg gave way
She started to sway
And hopped to the shop for a new peg.
MATT.
There was an old man called Matt
Who lived on the tenth floor with his cat
The cat chased a ball
Out the window did fall
Matt heard a meow then a splat.
MURRAY.
There was a young fellow called Murray
Went out with his friends for a curry
The curry was off
He started to cough
Ran off to the loo in a hurry.
NELL.
There was a young nurse called Nell
Who was carrying a potty and she fell
It went up in the air
And all over her hair
Now they avoid her because of the smell
FARMER.
There was an old farmer from Surrey
Who was always running around in a hurry
Got startled by a bell
Tripped over and fell
And ended up face down in some slurry.
FRED.
There was an old man called Fred
Who spent most of the day in bed
He lit up a smoke
And started to choke
Couldn't breath now he is dead.
I am a young man, to Nantucket I've traveled
never before have I been out to Sea,
here in the Harbor, I've spotted the Pequod
I knew then and there, that ship was for me,
Ishmael is my name,I was a Teacher
Queequed my friend, best harpooner on board,
the man they call Ahab, well he is the captain
you can bet he will see to it we're never bored,
Here! here! drink a toast to our Captain,
Hey mister fiddler, come play us a lick,
Here! Here! have your harpoons to ready
when we see the white whale that they call Moby Dick,
The captain's on deck, we can all hear him walkin
with his old wooden leg,thanks to one great White Whale,
he calls for attention, as he calls us to forward
he points to his leg, as he tells us the tale,
A fifty dollar gold piece, is nailed to the mainsail
for the harpooner, when the white whale he kills,
then the man in the crows nest , says yo I can see him
into the longboats where we test our skills,
Here! Here! drink a toast to our Captain
Hey mister fiddler, come play us a lick,
Here! Here! have your harpoons to ready
when we see the white whale that they call Moby Dick,
The Captain he is restless, and takes to a longboat
we had three harpoons in, he was pullin us slow,
when the eye of that whale, caught sight of the Captain
he came about and he started to roll,
He went straight for the longboat, that carried the skipper
locked in his eye, as he started to blow,
raised out of the water, near forty foot outward
down they both went, to Jones' locker below,
Here! Here! drink a toast to our Captain
Hey mister fiddler, come play us a lick,
Here! Here! have your Harpoons to Ready
when we see the White Whale, that they call....
Moby Dick!
copyright 2011 Rd Pickett
I’ve sailed across the oceans blue
In search of promised treasure
I need to bid my pirate’s life adieu
For some riches you cannot measure
When I was invited to be part of the team
I was told it was a luxury cruise
Promised riches beyond my wildest dreams
Oh how I fell for the blackguard’s ruse!
Captain Bluebeard is a real mean guy
He promised me diamonds and pearls
But I’m so homesick that I sit and cry
And I never get to meet any girls
I’m stuck on this ship with sweaty sailors
You can’t begin to imagine the smell
I feel like the captain’s our jailer
My life has become a living hell
I’ve got a peg leg and a metal hook
Life’s not that easy for me
I stumble round the galley as ship's cook
But I really don’t like life on the sea
My parrot is my constant companion
He nags me that I drink too much rum
I drink it for medicinal purposes
This sailing can upset my tum
I wish that he would hold his beak
I’m fed up of his constant squawking
Why can't he shut up and not speak
We’re cooped up and he just won’t stop talking
So now I need to take drastic action
Tonight I’m going to leap overboard
The parrot’s squawking can cause a distraction
I can swim … I’ve got a swimming award
I stole all the diamonds without exception
They are hidden inside my wooden leg
The captain’s yet to find out my deception..
But I’ve raided his hidden nest egg
So now I can live a life of pleasure
And enjoy a happier life
I will relax and enjoy my leisure
And find myself a cute wife!
Contest- A pirate’s life for me
Sponsor Kelly Deschler
09~19~15
Bake a Cake
Go ahead and crack an egg,
Mother Patsy and daughter Meg,
Could just not get it right,
It would, crash, splash with might,
On Grandpa’s wooden leg!
So Meg and her mum,
Decided to give grandpa rum,
So he wouldn’t be in the way,
They broke more eggs from a tray,
Finally they made a cake that was yum!
Grandpa woke up and ate the cake,
He thought it was great,
But got a pain in his tum,
Meg and mom called nine one one,
And then they continued to bake!
Here's another tale about hillbillies
That you probably don't wanna miss
It's about their many inventions
And the story goes something like this
Now see, my great, great grandfather
Was kind of an inventor of sorts
He invented stuff like wooden teeth
And a lotion that helped remove warts
He also invented the very first fuel
You know, that stuff we call gas?
See, he had an old mule named Leroy
It was the fumes coming out of his, ( you know )
He invented the very first wheelbarrow
He made my granny carry everything
He even invented the first telephone
Two cans and a piece of string
He even invented the first wooden leg
But those termites gave him a fit
Until he finally made it termite proof
By soakin' it in tobacco spit
Did I say he invented the first eyeglasses?
Yep, he cut the bottoms of two coke bottles
And everytime my granny would wear them
They would laugh and say she waddles
He also invented the first light bulb
Lightning bugs in a jar
Fireflies for you folks up north
Just so you know what they are
See, he invented a lot of things
Like the bathroom without a sink
Course we just call it an outhouse
And he had trouble gettin' rid of the stink
Well, the history books don't mention him yet
But I know in time that they will
Did I tell you he that only smiled
When we asked him who invented the wheel
Ahoy, matey!
Welcome aboard me ship,
Me would have met ye at the airport
But, I've got meself a broken hip.
Me crew, they be drunk
Me parrot's got the sh!ts,
Me wooden leg got caught on a rusty nail
Me woman's got a hairy lip.
I'm sorry to have to tell ye matey
But, ye have to swab the deck,
Me crew have all fallen asleep
Me deckhand has a broken neck.
We all be sore losers
Trying to find me gold,
It's buried out there somewhere
Me'd find it, if me didn't have this cold.
Copyright Cynthia Jones
July.11/2006
I fell in love with a tree stump
Well, my wife's wooden leg
Part of that tree helps her walk
With another part, I made a keg
I fill that thing full of rootbeer
The keg I mean, not my wife
The leg I made from an old cedar stump
That I whittled out with my knife
She smells like Christmas all year long
Don't you just love that cedar smell?
Sometimes I use it to play with the dog
Makes a good back scratcher as well
In termite season she throws a terrible fit
They just won't leave her alone
She says she loves the leg I made
But she wishes I made it of stone
I fell in love with a tree stump
And then I started to think
With the rest of that stump I'll build an outhouse
The cedar will cover the stink
You see a man in ragged clothes
Digging through garbage for no one knows
A skulking youth with acne’d face
Shuffling by with little grace
You see a woman, old and frail
A blind girl struggling, reading braille
You see an old guy soft and flabby
Looking sad and somewhat shabby
You see a lady smart and trim
Stepping briskly, with upheld chin
Two teenage girls in low ride jeans
Full of laughter, full of beans
You see a lad with wooden leg
Stopping people, there to beg
An obese woman, waddling there
While people stop and point and stare
You see a young child skipping past
If only youthfulness would last
A toddler wobbling as he walks
Babbling excitedly as he talks
You see a person all alone
Another talking on a phone
A couple walking in embrace
And soft warm smiles upon their face
You see a drunk man stumble by
With red veined nose and bloodshot eye
A woman with deep furrowed brow
Stooping in dejected bow
You see anguished deeply etched
Someone waiting to be fetched
Another talking shrill and loud
Another standing tall and proud
Yet no one sees what beats within
What lies down deep beneath the skin
And no one has the right to judge
Or criticize or hold a grudge
Or laugh at someone else’s pain
Or live you life in shallow vain
As no one’s truly, fully whole
And every one has depth of soul
And what you see may not be real
But if you can touch and truly feel
And listen well to what they say
And share with them this special day
If you can hear them from the heart
And bring about a brand new start
Then this would be a better life
With much less pain and much less strife