Best Tums Poems
Today for lunch I dined on some Tex-Mex cuisine,
jalapeno topped enchiladas and refried beans;
a favorite here in Texas, that can’t be denied,
but this afternoon I am battling the fire inside.
Washed it down with a margarita and wedge of lime,
it was very soothing and delicious at the time.
It gave my head a little buzz and made me cross-eyed,
but now my gut is suffering from this fire inside.
I used to have no trouble eating this spicy food,
but now it causes burning in my stomach to intrude.
And yet I do not worry for in my desk does hide
a jar of Tums to relieve me from this fire inside.
November 7, 2017
Poem of the Day - November 8, 2017
Got home awound twee (I was dwunk as a wouse)
Awose pwomptly at six wit' dwy cotton-mouth
I knew wather soon my day was gonna' bwow
When I stwuggled outta' bed and stubbed my wight toe
Fwopped back on the mattwess cwying and twitchin'
Staggoid back up and wimped to the kitchen
Stumbled to the counter to bwew Folger's bwend
Spiwwed it down my Hanes and boint my widdle fwend
Hobbled to the bathwoom to wustle up some Tums
Twipped on my fwip-fwop and bwuised my weft bun
Should not have cawoused wit' owe Bugsey wast night
Now my head hoits and de wight is too bwight
If I had not dwunk gin for my mowale booster
I coulda' swept in trew 'dat wascally wooster
(Don't feel wike wunning dat siwwy wat-wace
Tink I might caw in sick at the Woony-Tune pwace)
A chambermaid whose name is Marlia
Had the most terrible diarrhoea
Whilst scrubbing a loo
She needed to pooh
Poop flowed freely from her posterior
It splattered on the newly scrubbed door
Gloopy poop was all over the floor
There was a huge mess
It covered her dress
Her poor tummy was ever so sore
WRITTEN BY JAN ALLISON
Marlia was filled with sorrow
A clean dress she had to borrow
flies were attracted
The mess compacted
clean up required a harrow!
WRITTEN BY LIM'RIK FLATS
If only she'd have taken a Tums
No mess would be left on her bums
she's still in despair
a stench in the air
To the scent of poop she succumbs
WRITTEN BY TIM SMITH
Marlia was dumb, thinking it was just gas
But it was much more that she had to pass
The day was torrid
Her stench was horrid
Now everyone knows Marlia has no class
WRITTEN BY LIN LANE
Marlia tried hard to sneak out
the trail of her poop left no doubt
Lysol was sprayed,
Her funk still stayed
cause her poop kept running out
WRITTEN BY DANIEL TURNER
Poor, poor Marlia stunk up the room
Her hubby left and she has no groom
He ran for the hills
No more night thrills,
Now she's alone and her life is doom
WRITTEN BY ALEXIS Y
21-07-17
Who's that knocking on our door tonight?
Debt collectors, (those pests that we've ignored)
Yuletide woes being sung by my spouse
as we pull shades, and douse the lights!
Everyone knows a turkey and some mistletoe
could help to make the season bright
But we'll be eating pork and beans, 'cause our pocketbooks are lean
Oh! We're out of Tums!!......The house could blow tonight !!!
They say that Santa's on his way
But our petty cash won't jingle much today
So this mother hen is going to cry
Because her hungry chicks won't have an egg to fry!
And so, I'm offering this simple phrase....
To folks from one to ninety two
If the recession....is behind your depression...
Merry Christmas .. You're not alone!
..........................................................................................................
(Lyrics written to the tune "The Christmas Song" Written by Mel Torme)
___________________________________
My wife and I went for a cruise in the Caribbean Sea,
I decided that I would talk like a pirate ‘till she got sick of me.
I told her that I was going to steal a look at her treasured chest,
Or get my hands on her booty whichever I liked the best.
And if she’d shiver me timber I told her that I would swash her buckle,
She didn’t think too much of my offer but it made me start to chuckle.
I twisted one hand into a gnarled hook and even fashioned for her a peg,
I kept it up until, “Please stop this pirate business,” she began to beg.
But it seems I had an enemy trying to thwart me on the cruise,
A buffet line or my beautiful wife, which one would I choose?
And then they fired their big guns at me from the dessert buffet table,
The carbs took the wind from my sails until my libido wasn’t able.
When you sail the sea with a fork in hand your love life will be fleein’,
Try your best not to surrender yourself to the pie plates of the Caribbean.
Christmas Song parodies
Feliz Navidad
Police! Oh my god!
Police! Oh my god!
Police! Oh my god!
Put me in handcuffs because I rob.
I Wanna phone call this very instant!
I Wanna phone call this very instant!
I Wanna phone call this very instant!
I beg pardon with all my heart!
Away In A Manger
Away to Aruba I wish I could go
But I've used all of my PTO
I don't have the money to get over there
My account is empty, I'm paycheck impaired
Rocking Around the Christmas Tree
Rocking in my old folks chair
Trying to recall my own name
Mr.Edwards takes a might fall
Trying to walk with a candy cane
You will get a hallucinating feeling when you hear
Voices saying your names Holly
Yet! I don't think my names Holly
Rocking in my old folks chair
That doesn't mean I'm done
Come visit me after my third or fourth nap
and we're sure to have some fun!
The Little Drummer Boy
I just finished Christmas treats
Tum tum tum tum tums
There's food I'm not supposed to eat
Tum tum tum tum tums
Digestion has been on the blink
Tum tum tum tum tums
Oops, afraid that one will stink
Tum tum tum tum tums
Tum tum tum tums
Tum tum tum tums
You know where that came from
Tum tum tum tum tums
From my bum. From my bum.
Up On the Housetop
Up on the house top he hears claws,
Scratching and roaring, oh my god!
Is it a panther or lioness?!
You've had too many, just confess!
Woah ho ho!! Over he goes!
Woah ho ho!! Right in the snow.
He's up on the housetop getting sick...
Ladders and alcohol don't mix!
Thrill of Thanksgiving Haiku
Lets see you top this one for a Thanksgiving Haiku.
This was turkey day
And after have heard some say
Tums without delay.
James Thomas Horn
Retired Veteran and Poet
A pet more exotic I'd wanted.
A pet to be groomed and then flaunted.
not a dog or a cat
something cooler than that!
I began my search feeling undaunted
In a pet store I came on a ferret.
Such a pain he was! How did I bear it?
Under doors and through cracks
He'd escape from me. AAAACH!!
So I traded him in for a parrot.
Well, the parrot just wanted to fly!
And that bird knew more bad words than I.
When he called me a whore,
I threw open the door:
“Now you’re getting your wish, Bird. BYE BYE!
A boa constrictor I bought,
He’d like to be cuddled, I thought,
But he wrapped and he squeezed,
As I gasped and I wheezed,
And offered the rat that I’d caught.
A bowl of piranha I won -
I played Baccarat with a nun -
And they wiggled their bums,
So I tickled their tums,
But bones ’stead of fingers aint fun.
My elderly aunt sent a text,
Suggesting tarantulas next,
But my spider alas,
Took a bite of my ass:
My pet-owning hobby is hexed.
I went to the pet shop, I swear,
But nothing I wanted was there -
To my pets I am prey,
So I went on eBay,
And purchased a big teddy bear.
for Darkness' Grab A Partner collaboration contest, written with a good Soup friend
A pet more exotic I'd wanted.
A pet to be groomed and then flaunted.
Not a dog or a cat -
Something cooler than that!
I began my search feeling undaunted
In a pet store I came on a ferret.
Such a pain he was! How did I bear it?
Under doors and through cracks
He'd escape from me. AAAACH!!
So I traded him in for a parrot.
Well, the parrot just wanted to fly!
And that bird knew more bad words than I.
When he called me a whore,
I threw open the door:
“Now you’re getting your wish, Bird. BYE BYE!
A boa constrictor I bought,
He’d like to be cuddled, I thought,
But he wrapped and he squeezed,
As I gasped and I wheezed,
And offered the rat that I’d caught.
A bowl of piranha I won -
I played Baccarat with a nun -
And they wiggled their bums,
So I tickled their tums,
But bones ’stead of fingers aint fun.
My elderly aunt sent a text,
Suggesting tarantulas next,
But my spider alas,
Took a bite of my ass:
My pet-owning hobby is hexed.
I went to the pet shop, I swear,
But nothing I wanted was there -
To my pets I am prey,
So I went on eBay,
And purchased a big teddy bear.
For the "Grab a Partner" Contest. To see
who I collaborated with, read my comment
under the poem.
My Thanksgiving Haiku
This was Turkey day (5)
And I have heard many say (7)
Tums without delay (5)
James Thesarious Hilarious Horn
Every day I use my time
Writing poetry line by line,
Sometimes I can make it rhyme,
Sometimes....... I can’t.
My head is full of tum te tums
When I just want to write
The serious stuff on big long lines
like proper poets might
The words come out as simple ones
Not intelligent or deep,
Nor contemplative trains of thought
that make the reader weep
Poetically inclined I’m not
It doesn’t really matter
I’ll just keep writing day by day
And maybe I’ll get batter er..better
Phantoms
In male six, psychiatric ward at night
there live ten patients burning bright,
their thoughts are with their missing
mums, while eager for breakfast wait
their tums
Now here, as not before, it’s all about who’s
first through the dining room door, theirs eggs
and bacon and toast with butter, it’s enough to
make a man’s heart flutter
But romance has now long gone, with shirt
needing help to put on; and in this slight
miscarriage, a moral judgment say, they
take their medication and live another day
But then there’s lunch, what delights await?
with biscuits, cheese and cream and tea, to
fill old hearts with tempered glee, a taste of
butter, a square of fudge, a barely felt old-
fashioned grudge
Five square tables, two at each, if they move
they make a screech; which brings us to the
main event, evening dinner heaven sent,
with pastries, pies and soft fried chips,
and bread and butter for trembling lips
And interspersed amid all this, there’s
medication from the list; black and blue
and white round pills, so designed to
soothe all ills
Ruminations-trembling- hallucinations
too, popped in mouth or drank as syrup,
tis the steed and you’re the stirrup
But here’s not to dwell and dally, on visit
Saturday comes aunt Sally; with choc
and fags and pink smoked salmon, raise
the spirit, mood does rally
But alas now all the wards have gone,
white coats and patients they’ve moved
on; and if one day you pass at night,
remember them when burning bright
Sometimes people ask me... What's in your purse...
So I tell them the best that I can...
Lipstick, chapstick, matchstick
What’s in your purse?
Billfold, change purse, money counter, and clip?
Aspirin, Tylenol, Tums, coupons and stamps…
Tissue, pressure bandage, Mom excuse tablet!
What’s in your purse?
House keys, car keys, skate keys and a toothbrush.
Toothpick, dental floss, yesterday’s movie ticket.
Magnifying glass, insect book, handy magic cards?
What’s in your purse?
Personal stuff, extra stuff, and just stuff.
Needed stuff, wanted stuff list…
And all the stuff I meant to take out.
What’s in your purse?
Crayons, a pen, a magic marker, and chalk.
Hodgepodge, glue stick, and tape…
A clown an elf and two small mice.
What’s in your purse?
Bird Seed, fish food, and a safety pin.
A feather from a goose, an empty candy wrapper.
A small notebook with and without lines.
What’s in your purse?
Gum, a straw and an eyedropper.
A paperclip that floats like a boat,
And a folding flying airplane.
What’s in your purse?
Flashlight, book light, nightlight.
NASA blanket and plastic rain suit.
Hairnet and socks that match.
What’s in your purse?
Paintbrush, hairbrush, dog brush.
Playdough, finger puppets and jelly packets.
A flashlight, a monocle, and a bingo dabber.
What’s in your purse?
A calendar, a phone, and things that I have to have.
Pictures of those I love.
And a little cross…
What’s in your purse?
Jesus!
You'll never know how much I gag on peanuts
You'll never know how rotten peanuts are.
Listen.
Do you want to eat a peanut
Do you promise not to heave.
Woh oo Woo oh
Closer.
Let me stuff one in your ear
So that you can hardly hear
I'm in love with Tums oo oo oo oo.
I've eaten peanuts for a week or two
Don't chew them up they come out in your poo
Listen.
Doo Wah Doo. Do you want to eat a peanut
Doo Wah Doo. Do you promise not to heave.
Woh oo Woo oh
Closer.
Doo Wah Doo. Let me stuff one in your ear
Do Wah Doo. So that you can hardly hear
I'm in love with Tums oo oo oo oo
Oo oo oo oo oo.
Our 2016 Dilemma
Hope and change fell through
A new selection due
Our choices will not do...
No trust in shouting shrew
Who may wear prison blue
Opponent has no clue
Those 'status quos'...adieu
No longer in our view
Gov waste we must subdue
Inaction grew and grew
Frontrunner with hairdo
Opponents can't undo
Reflects a mixed review
Good business man, it's true
A movement set anew?
Disaster or breakthrough?
And what can now outdo
This mess that boils like stew
Brokered convention..zoo!
Large riots may ensue
Outcome we can't construe
November...happy...Whew!
Or grab the Tums, tissue...?
Sandra M. Haight
~NA~
Contest: Political Ordeal
Sponsor: C.T.
Judged: 05/18/2016