Best Funnyday Poems
TEEN AGE MUTANT NINJA TURTLES!!
One day I came home with the flu.
My mother gave me a bowl of stew
All I can say is that the stew was thick like goo.
I still ate it thinking it was chicken stew.
Saturday morning I woke up watching Winnie The Pooh.
Mother made me a sandwich that was hard to chew
In the kitchen I saw 2 strange looking shells
Once I saw them I started getting dizzy spells
Eating turtle soup with out having a clue.
Made my face turn green and blue.
Walked into the living room.
My stomach still felt kind of doom.
My mother was watching the tube and singing along
Singing along to the,"Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles" song!
NOW THAT WAS WRONG!!!!!!
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TWO TURTLE DOVES
During Christmas, I always go hunting in the woods
I set out traps to catch me some goods
I caught two turtle in my first trap
Poor little things where full of crap.
I was singing "On the first day of Christmas" on my way back.
All I could think of was my Two Turtle (Doves), snack!
I took them inside and dipped them in water
They had no idea they where soon to be slaughter
My dad told me that turtle soup hits the right spot.
Silly turtles where already in the boiling pot
Looking at the pot one turtles was swimming around
I can't believe in the hot water he didn't even drown
I had to pull him out, and set him on the rebound.
I'll just cook him on my second round.
I am ready to eat my turtle stew.
Praising this soup with an mm mm thank you!
DARN!! Salt and Pepper was the main thing I forgot
Realizing napkins was the only thing I bought
I put the napkins on my lap.
I was about to have me some turtle snap.
I started singing my favorite Christmas song.
Suddenly the "Two Turtle Dove" part did not belong.
Singing softly to my favorite line
Eating the stew didn't feel fine.
""On The Second day of Christmas
CCCCCCCCCCCCCChrrriiissstamms
MMMMMMMMMMMy TRUE LOVVVVEE
Gave to me TWO TURTLE DOVVVVEE
With out having the jolly to sing along.
I had to put the stew to a side and be strong.
(now) THAT WAS WRONG!!!!!
((( HAVING FUN WITH MY OWN TURTLE CONTEST )))
Izzy you're dizzy you'll need to explain
Exactly HOW many players are in your brain.
~But I can't they won't understand.
~I've tried this before and I lost my clan.
~They know you're here on the land.Anyway.
Explain a day that you can see when Many are the
here and the hear are She. Writing for A WE.
It can be This Way and it is.
News came and spun the biz...
NessV. It'll be May.be Tomorrow.
Five days in the narrows.
row row To be. a Way
Then on the arrows we'll see.
~with respect I ask... are you testing me?
A day in May is only part Way. To a day.
I know my name. \@@/ and YOU're the ham.
A birth defined on an August I AM!g0
And my vision is funny not fuzzy,
Souper sunny in the morning not dizzy...
My name is Susan and my pen's named Izzy.
A system drawn in a perfect way.see
A Wake.yes. A Long ago yes. I Be.
8>
Loving to write poETry
And how many poems can that really be?
In my brain I asked, Again.
Form:
(Well, St. Patrick's DAy is nearly upon us, so now is the time to start rolling out the limericks.
I'll try to show one a day until the 17th. One year I went nuts and used all my friends' names
to make limericks with their names. Here is the one for Mary!
A typically staid lass named Mary
told everyone she’d seen a fairy.
One part she left out
which might cause some doubt:
She’d first drunk a bottle of sherry.
The day after my father's death,
It was a fool's day of April 1st
When the sun and the moon
Strived to block each other,
And the whole world trembled with fear.
I ran hurriedly to my mother's house
Where I hoped to hide with my fiancee
Who broke my heart,
And whom I loved as my self
But I found a snake on the bench.
I was shocked and ran crazy again
To my bosom friend who had already boozed.
I questioned her about what had happened,
She just smiled and finally laughed at me.
Oh, no! Ask your nose,
It's near to you.
I became puzzled,
And naughty I answered her
Till I begun to dose.
But as soon as I went to sleep,
I heard the dogs burking,
And a low sound of someone knocking.
I woke up quickly and I opened the door
But only to my surplise,
She was my fond mom
Who was seriously dancing naked,
And running around the house as if she was mad!
I brutally scolded her
And she immediately stopped it,
Then she cried once and collapsed.
Oh! Whenever i think of her,
I remember that day!
Form:
Alice Mulligan hailed from Killsoul
A red head who had a strange role
A brothel, she ran
Till one day a strange man
Sent Miss Mulligan right up the pole.
She couldn't believe her bad luck
She thought she'd managed to duck
An enormous ********
Escaped her protection
Poor Alice, she just ran amuck.
Day by day our Alice grew bigger
T'was a mystery who was the trigger
Now her business was finished
And Alice diminished
Thus ending her vim and her vigour.
entry for Deborah Guzzi's Limerick competition A young man who came from
~Dunkirk
Now that time is getting shorter for the arrival of my new home it has put quite a
stress on Shirlee and Fred. They have had to do rearranging out at their place in order to
accommodate my permanent cabin, besides working their full time jobs.
Friday Shirlee was off and there were some fittings on the skelgas tank that had
to be replaced before it could be put to use. (Now my days on the Nebraska and South
Dakota plains I seem to remember our source of heat was called skelgas even though it was
actually propane. Well that was a day ago I think) We also had errands pertaining to the
mobile home so I went out and picked her up and we went from there. Actually she has just
started working 4 days a week, ten hours a hours a day with Friday's off so we usually have
this day together anyway.
I started the day with a light breakfast (so we could eat in town) and loaded the
things I needed to take along and pulled out of the driveway. As I reached the end of our
street and was gazing into the sun waiting for the cross traffic to pass I was startled by a
sight in the distance. Probably a quarter mile ahead of me was a lake and as a large truck
passed by on the interstate I was shocked to see... The Loch Ness Monster slowly working his
way horizontal with the lake shore. Totally stunned I was then confused as to which road I
should take out to Shirlee's. Finally I decided I would take the interstate. As I passed under
the interstate to reach my turn off I breathed a sigh of relief as the monster turned out to be
a tractor with double appendages raised in the air and a cab with a rounded top. I started
laughing so hard I almost missed the turn off and had barely gained control as I reached the
house. After greeting the dogs I proceeded to do a little chore as Shirlee went outside to do
some of her chores. When she returned I was all but rolling on the floor reliving the earlier
scene. I had shared it with the dog while she was out. After urging I finally told her of the
incident. Eye brows raised she said, " I wondered for a minute as I didn't realize they were
land animals too." With that we departed for town.
A weird sight one day I did see.
A lady played organ for me.
She had placed in a cup.
While it was still wrapped up.
A condom as neat as could be.
I ask her to please please explain,
She said,"Please don't think I'm to blame.
I found in the park
One day before dark.
And it's the weirdest thing, so insane.
I wasn't sick all year if you please.
Not even a cold or a sneeze.
The directions you see
I followed to the tee!
Read 'Place on organ to prevent disease.' "
There once was a man who started to shake
The day he was married his heart would break
It happened the day he saw
His ugly mother-in-law
'Twas way too much for the poor man to take
Okay I lied it wasn't a good mother-in-law poem
My office
Yo I went into my office, lookin’ for a bone,
I’m in the zone,
Cause I found the chicken that I left next to the phone,
Yo the other day I found a roach that got high off fumes,
The straight perfumes of fruit of the looms,
That I forgot to put in the laundry,
The other day, a bill collector called he,
Needed to collect on the gas that be passin,
From the mold that be lastin’
On my desk from starbuck’s latte’s that never made it to rest,
Yo I must confess,
My wife almost divorced me,
When she saw the fungus on my socks I use to hold my mornin’ coffee,
The other day I broke my chair but yo the stacks of papers caught me,
Sometimes the sisters judge me,
Cause I be funky,
But they be chunky,
Like in the country,
Where when they hug me,
I gasp for breath and stagger round like someone mugged me,
Or straight up drugged me,
Yo my boys be tryin’ to punk me,
When they say my rug be dusty,
But that don’t phase a brotha, cause them brotha’s knees be ashy,
Like a car that’s gotten rusty.
But yo, I got to end this,
So peace out and don’t dismiss this,
Or try and say my crib’s a health risk,
Cause yo there are lists, of brothas who have smelled the breath behind those luscious lips,
So mind yo business and let me be,
And stay off my office too,
Every day I use my time
Writing poetry line by line,
Sometimes I can make it rhyme,
Sometimes....... I can’t.
My head is full of tum te tums
When I just want to write
The serious stuff on big long lines
like proper poets might
The words come out as simple ones
Not intelligent or deep,
Nor contemplative trains of thought
that make the reader weep
Poetically inclined I’m not
It doesn’t really matter
I’ll just keep writing day by day
And maybe I’ll get batter er..better
The New Sheriff
By Elton Camp
The election had been just the week before
Sheriff Johnson now held the office no more
Some the new sheriff didn’t know how to take
“I just hope we haven’t made a big mistake.”
On the very day the new term was to begin,
Sheriff Roberts entered the office with a grin
“Since none of you deputies voted for me
Now you’re every one out of jobs you see.”
With a voice and actions just that rough
The new sheriff was going to be tough
Crime would never again come to pay
Sheriff Roberts had now come their way
The sheriff then strapped on a black gun
“I’ll soon have all the crooks on the run.”
It took Sheriff Roberts only a little while
To hire new deputies with a sneering smile
“Every one of you boys will do what I say
Or I’ll fire your tails without any delay.”
The sheriff had been in office only a week
When a fight started at the bar by the creek
Sheriff Roberts roared up in a big cruiser
Inside the bar stood an enormous bruiser
The sheriff rushed right on inside
And slugged the guy hard in his side
When another fighter the sheriff saw
It was wham and pow right to his jaw
The sheriff looked around with a sneer
Quick as a flash, the room did clear
When to law and order there occurred a threat,
The sheriff was there to curse, fight, and sweat
All could see that the crime rate went down
From the time the new sheriff came around
Each day when the office did close,
The sheriff put on her dress and hose
She rubbed some rouge onto her face
At home, husband and child to embrace
(Warning) You need to watch english daytime t.v to really get the drift.............
Another day breaks, I open my eyes
It’s still rather early but I feel I must rise
Into the bathroom a little unsteady
I’m sure I’ll come round as I’m getting ready.
Out the window I sit and stare
A cup of tea and in my chair.
The day won’t seem quite so long
If I sit and watch the birds in song.
The TV’s on - nothing new
I’ll think I make another brew
Another poor soul through the ringer
That’s what you get with Gerry Springer!
I turn it over with a smile
Just in time for Jeremy Kyle!
The days long gone when I went “gyming”
Now I sit and watch Loose Women!
This afternoon its Noel’s best deals
But now its time for meals on wheels!
Frozen peas and a slice of ham
I suppose it’s better than war-time spam!
What’s for pudding? Spotted Dick?
I like my custard nice and thick
A little nap is what I need
To bring me right back up to speed.
It’s Bargain Hunt’s auction sale
Can’t wait for seven and Emmerdale!
Some mail to write with ink and pen
Then off to bed with News at Ten!
A lawyer pops up unannounced
her mundane day he wants to trounce
he tries to lead her on to play
he wants to see if she will stray
she cannot see the sense in that
away from her natural habitat
he tries to lead her on to play
perhaps she will another day
For she is a restless soul
the day to day she finds so droll
of foreign airs and lands she dreams
discovery of the forbidden things
for she is a restless soul
and this can sometimes take it's toll
A suited man with manicured hands
and silken sheets, expensive treats
flashy cars and trendy bars
airplane travel, he wants to unravel
her sweetest place and kiss her face
make her scream an erotic dream
Her thighs are primed to draw him in
but her heart he cannot win
for she steals the souls of men
who work all day in wig and pen
Form:
Three girls weathered the Arizona heat
Ranch hands distributed straw cowboy hats
Without them we’d have fallen to sun’s defeat
As our horses bounded through desert flats
Far faster than the onlooking wildcats
My comrades suffering from heat stroke
We chilled the next day and drove to Tombstone
Where spirits of Wyatt and his crew were evoked
Marshal’s badges for sale, tickled my funny bone
Placed on my hat, in the sun the badge shone
The next day we rode again full speed
Tense fists clinging to the saddle horn
Through an area best known for tumbleweed
My hat flew off, a cactus now adorned
No longer on my head was it worn
After we returned to the stable
I set out on foot and retrieved my marshal hat
To reach it, I was nearly disabled
Coyotes did not put out a welcome mat
To shoo them away, I swung cactus like a bat
*Entry for Carol’s “My Favorite Hat or Bonnet” contest. (True, but for the swinging
of the cactus -- ouch!)
We look both the same how could this be
Two peas in a pod that's you and me
When we were babies we both dressed the same
The only thing different I suppose was our name.
I was called Pete and you was called Paul
Time went so fast we grew very tall
We're much older now but still look the same
Two peas in a pod with a different name.
I remember one day when Paul was at school
He did something wrong he broke the school rule
The next day came but Pete got the blame
Two peas in a pod they both look the same.
Paul had a girlfriend she was so very nice
But when she saw Pete she had to look twice
She said Pete are you Paul, he thought and said yes
She gave him a kiss so he had to confess.
I'm sorry Pete said I think your confused
I'm not really Paul, she wasn't amused
You're like two peas in a pod you both look the same
Who am I dating I'm going insane.
Written for Nathan's contest