Best Television Poems
Beaverish, feverish
hot Mrs. Cleaver wished
that her affair had not
given her clap.
Fast Eddie Haskell, her
boy-toy, that rascal, his
transmissibility
claims were all crap.
“Tickle me, pickle me,
say it’s not true, for if
you have the clap then I
must have it too!”
Doctors prescribed her some
anti-microbials,
Ward soon found out that she
had been untrue.
Beaver was curious,
Ward was so furious,
fake news of Eddie’s lewd
films made him snap.
“June, you’re so sensible,
incomprehensible,
that you could fall for that
con-artist’s crap!”
Friskiness, riskiness,
ratings were rising, but
not so surprising they
cancelled the show.
Frightened by content too
radiological,
sponsors said “Beaver” was
not apropos.
He was small and portly but their leader
didn't want anyone in the club being a cheater
with everyones full attention while seated
he reiterated his drastic thoughts and feelings,
Explaining to his buddies to steer clear
of the feminine gender some held dear
saying they were just a pain in the neck
so just to ignore them he told them was best,
The meeting was adjourned and Spanky closed the door
straightening his "Women Haters Club" sign once more
with Alfalfa feeling confident he wouldn't cave in
till Darla started flirting with him once again….
5-16-17
You’re wasting your weekends on electronic lovers,
They float by like ghosts on the screen,
You’re kissing Clark Gable and you waltz Fred Astaire
In re-runs you’ve already seen.
You’re changing the stations—you change your emotions—
From channel to channel in vain.
The six o’clock news man is laughing at you,
And the talk show believes you’re insane.
Your television set don’t love you, darlin’
So how come you watch it from bed?
Your television set don’t love you, darlin’,
So why don’t you love me instead?
Down at the tavern my Budweiser loves me,
There’s a TV set over the bar,
And the girl on the screen, she reminds me of you,
So I get up and go to my car.
I drive through the night and the windshield wipers
Remove all the rain from the glass—
It’s like a wide screen, and our show’s off the air…
Our soap opera just didn’t last…
Yes we don’t give a toss,
If your package is lost,
That’s logistics,
If it’s broken or bent,
Or has multiple dents,
That’s logistics,
If it’s fragile and breaks,
It was not our mistake,
That’s logistics,
Well you were not at home,
So we sent it to Rome,
That’s logistics!
So incredibly late,
That it’s gone out of date,
That’s logistics,
We don’t know where it went,
Are you sure it was sent?
That’s logistics,
Your parcels we’ll stash,
But we’ll still take your cash,
That’s logistics,
What an item on time?!
Oh no wait, it’s not mine,
That’s logistics!
Television
Powerful influence
Informing, entertaining, controlling
Stealing away precious time
Box
destined for stardom
I appear on local news
rollers in my hair
saturdays
hockey night in canada
~ phone best stay silent
AP: Honorable Mention 2025
What manner of innovation so ingenious;
electronic box made to serve our audio-visual
demands.
This square-shaped screen that comes to life
by just a switch,
reduces the size of the globe in
every living room.
And entertains its audience every length of
time they please.
What comedy so laughable,
what obscenity so carnally delightful,
and what gory tales so horrific
can this magical innovation not willingly render?
Still it relives the eventful past
for generations unborn.
Lucille (“Lucy”) Ball
Her desire for show biz fame is anything but small
Plays the wife of Ricky the Cuban drummer
How she goes about it could not be funnier.
Desi (“Ricky”) Arnaz
A full-time job reining in his kooky wife he has
Loves Lucy with all his heart
And his conniving Lucy is extremely smart!
FIRST PLACE WINNER
written September 29, 2021
especially for "Clerihew 2" poetry contest
sponsored by Joseph May
I recall the time – 1953,
somewhere around the first of June.
A special invitation by Granny
to come in the late afternoon.
My grandparents shared their television
first of a few that were owned in that day.
We drove ten miles for a grand occasion
happening four thousand miles away.
My inauguration to the big screen
one of London's landmark events -
the stately coronation of the Queen.
For Elizabeth, time well-spent.
She has ruled her land for sixty-six years
making her reign, Victoria plus three
"Long Live the Queen," long live her peers,
Nostalgic remembrance, Long live TV.
July 4, 2019
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Brian Strand's contest: Nostalgia Any Form, Any Number Of Lines
I am a stay at home television freak.
That elusive remote is what I seek.
I don't have to go out.
I know without a doubt
that television makes my life far from bleak.
Inspired by another member's poem.
Please stand by for this important announcement
Of news you’ll most assuredly not want to miss
A newsworthy, earth-shaking pronouncement
More startling than your first unexpected kiss.
Your favorite television program is interrupted
Just when you’re about to watch Final Jeopardy,
You’d think the U.S. government was bankrupted
By the sound of the announcer’s anxious perfidy.
Instead, there’s a tennis player who’s deported
From Australia, his name you never heard before
Seems his lack of a vaccine he too openly sported
Forever, hereafter, he’ll never again be obscure.
All you wanted to know was who won Jeopardy
You had waited all day long for today’s show,
For you faithfully watch your program daily
To see the champion trivia winner’s earnings grow.
written January 18, 2022
Mom had six children
when she moved far from the nest
to a remote area without relatives or friends.
Her lifestyle suddenly changed
from urban to rustic ~
Playing the part she did
of Eva Gabor in Green Acres
but in real life.
Between setting up a new home
laundry mending ironing
cooking baking cleaning
grocery shopping and school lunches,
Not much time to herself ~
she by chance discovered
the lure of soap operas
and it changed her life.
Suddenly she was extra motivated
to finish her work with time to spare
saving the ironing for soap opera hour.
And so she’d welcome into her home
the whole cast of Edge of Night
with their dramatic theatrical lives ~
she’d bond laugh and cry
And her life was full again.
AP: Honorable Mention 2020
Present day film presents sex and love
Sordid spectacle spectators enjoy
Children peep at obscene scene, soon it
Comes back in their inward eye, altering
Swiftly their feel and what they seem to need
Even the world and how they see it
And just when no one is on their way
In pairs, young ones defile their being
Making a shame of virginity
She's thirteen and looks so sweet
Peter comes around tries if she's cheap
If she's carried away, Oh what sweet a tea
Perhaps Paul can enjoy, even Tim
But this is not the way of the Lord
“All my friends drink, take drugs
Have sex, slur and steal”
But why not dare to stand alone?
And be Jesus’ pride, for your sins he atone
Why not pride in a spotless gown
An untouched woman is a man's covert dream
No man eats his cake and has it
Patience avails much
Even the preacher had made it clear-
There is a time for everything
Our bodies a sacrifice must be
Holy and pleasing unto our king
Undefiled and innocent as baby new
A pure self is honourable in all
Haven't you heard that AIDS is real?
And that Abstinence is the best remedy
Television is a catalyst
It has increased the sexual pressure in men.
Written by Gail DeBole
on April 20, 2021
A woman desperate for fame
Who only had herself to blame
Decided to wed
A stranger named Ted
Which was an action quite lame.
A month after each said, “I do.”
They each called the other a fool.
Each yelled, “I don’t.”
“Stay with you, I won’t."
Their wedding was a day they both rued.