Best Spam Poems
Keep your bacon, keep your ham
Keep your loganberry jam
No pastrami
No salami
In my sarnie I want Spam
Ain’t no bones, ain’t no brains
Ain’t no seeds, ain’t no grains
Slightly spicy
Tasty nicey
Spam ain’t got any veins
And the tin that it’s in
Kinda square, kinda thin
Ring pull lid
Key got rid
Spam don’t slice off your skin
So that’s Spam; good to eat
Not some cheap luncheon meat
Fried or cold
I’m just sold
Because Spam can’t be beat
One day, a convict got away, and went out on the lam.
And on the sly, he did buy, his very own kitchen cam.
Wanting to glow, in a reality show, though not a ham.
This jailbird, much preferred, to star in the Joy of Spam.
For Rhyme Battle contest
Checking all my emails is becoming quite a chore
my inbox piling up with offers I've never asked for
there's one here from a dating site that says I've got no friends
and one's a cure for balding and it also cures split ends
this latest one has got some nerve and left me really miffed
it claims that I am crap in bed and helps me to get stiff
the pop-up tablet advert claims I need to lose some weight
plus a free tub of some cream because my skin is in a state
Although I have deleted them I don't feel really mad
coz when I sit and think about it-
four out of five ain't bad............
Computer spam I really do abhor
But tinned Spam I have an appetite for
I liked it in the Army
And never did it harm me
And it helped to win the Second World War
Robert L. Hinshaw, CMSgt, USAF, Retired
© All Rights Reserved
"Proper Pam im-promiscuity carries a
tepid torch against the blank footlights
of a dimlit digital marital marquee---last on the
billing of a car-null double featurette like
a black and white bijou plotless rerun
hand cranked by an arthritic arm;
pit pursuant of
quicksand lust with a gray gaze monotony
able to hitchhike from a plavce point left
only undetermined,
I've seen more action from a shoe sticky floor
or a large hole in an uncomfortable seat cushion,
not to "juxtapare" mind me but what a
chronofile, if briefcases couldspeak and not the
numbers from the credit card diction-ary of child
desires---stratfied pleasures far from TILT
lean calmly on majestic inconsequentials--like
ships passing in the night.
a blue ribbon in a cud chewing contest
I keep getting spam emails
From Ms Fatale Attraction
Who is a bored housewife
Looking for some hot action
With a younger man, if poss
So if I keep receiving her siren-ing
I might just reply to her
Then I can send her my ironing
Sam ordered Spam, Spam,
Spam...Spam, Spam, Spam...eggs, sausage
and Spam for breakfast.
"Can I substitute
Spam for the sausage?" he asked
the Counter person.
"You want Spam, Spam, Spam...
Spam, Spam, Spam...eggs and Spam—and
Spam for the sausage?"
"I want Spam, Spam, Spam...
Spam, Spam, Spam...Spam, eggs, Spam...and
Spam instead of eggs."
"You want Spam, Spam, Spam...
Spam, Spam, Spam...Spam, Spam, Spam...but
no eggs or sausage?"
"Yes, and could I have
a side order of Spam, and
a Spam sub to go?"
"You want Spam on the
side...and do you want Spam in
place of the sub roll??"
"Yes, thanks!...Just out of
curiosity: What did
you have for breakfast?"
"I had Spam, Spam, Spam...
Spam, Spam, Spam...Spam, Spam, Spam...juice,
Spam, Spam, Spam, and tea."
You do not want 'spam'
Place trust in your FireWall
It will screen for you
First thing I do is check the date
Good thru two thousand eighty five
Haven't had a can this fresh
Since Calvin Coolidge was alive
You can call it quirkiness
Each time I give the top a thump
Best way to tell if it's perfectly jelled
To the consistency that I love
If you know what I'm taking about
Well right you are and yes I am
That delectable treat of mystery meat
Known around the world as A Can Of Spam
Spam only comes in one savory flavor
King of canned meat there is only one
You remember long after your dining pleasure
By the amount of film left on your tongue
Do as I do and save the lid
A smart move you would be making
Comes in handy after dining
To help along with the tongue scraping
SPAMming is now a way of life,
eye just decided those people aer alive.
When you delete SPAM messages they still survive.
The people silly not the messages.
I meant the silly people of course not ewe.
Of course ewe dew survive. Now wait where was eye?
SPAM. We aer NOT trying to murder them just to avoid
the curcumstantial evidence of mis-directed information
and robotic responses found so hard to manage in e-mail.
SPAM. We call it SPAM. SPAM.
Why? eye don~t know but the namme is deserved.
Someone is actually and factually driving a real car
to an office. Sitting in a chair in a red dress.
Turning her computor mouse toward my address.
SPAM. OH NO.
I am sent another SPAM to my e-mail.
GOD help US.
Oh it is OKAY.
Eye have a TOOL-BAR.
Automatic-delete-delete-delete-beep.
SPAM.
Who are you OH woman of SPAM.
Wait eye don~t hate you,
Thank you for sending me SOME.
SPAM.
I love you but your message MUST go.
Automatic-delete-beep.
OH NO
LOOKING AT MY SPAM
A guy with a busy-life like me has everything he could want, right at fingertips:
I can “stop snoring with a dentist-designed mouthpiece”
And can pay for it, after I “check my credit rating on line”.
Everyone I know should offer me “Congratulations” [ because I ]
“have been chosen to join the National Association of Professional Wrestlers”.
On the other hand my interests may lean towards the aesthetic:
And I could “learn at the University of Phoenix” until they award me
“the Degree on-line of beautician and cosmetologist”.
As consolation, I "can also obtain 70% off all [my] Viagra needs” -
Never knew, but older guys tell me it’s a drug to help ‘their health’.
Finally if the drugs and education can’t help, I can pursue
“Lawsuits for serious injury and compo” with those well-known
Ambulance chasers, Messrs. Ripoff, Fleecem & Grabbit.
Maybe writing a poem about reading spam is itself a symptom
Of my empty life. . . . . . . . . I really gotta get out more.
Fancy spam emails
I don’t mind nor the ones
cobbled in broken English
from someone who says
he’s with a bank overseas
and is holding money for me
if I will send a small token
to show my good faith.
No, the spam emails
that bother me
are the ones that use
the names of people
I know well, like my daughter.
Those emails I’d like to answer.
We were close before she died.
Donal Mahoney
I love you and you love me!
Believer!
Where on earth should I now be?
Whenever.
I blocked cookies all my life
If you want one,ask my wife.
I eat spam, and google then
I begin all over again.
Whatever.
I ban websites for a living
But my lover's very forgiving;
Best man ever!
I eat splogs and gurgle blogs
Then I carve up wood for logs.
Whenever.
I've been married fourteen times,
They divorced me for my rhymes,
Whatever.
I eat cookies if I can,
If I can't I get them spammed,
Forever!
I live in your dreaming space,
I'll inspire the human race,
Moreover.
If you meet me you won't know
'Cos I look like old so and so.
Whoever.
But I am here and I'll find you
I educate the human zoo.
Professor!.
I love writing nonsense rhymes;
I know they get real dumb at times.
Caress her.
If you like to play these games
Please send me all of your names,
It's over.
It’s Tired of Spam I Am
By Elton Camp
And I’m not talking about the unhealthy treat
The one in a can that the taste is hard to beat
If I have to read another, I don’t know what to do
I am Mrs. Leech and God told me to contact you.
Another insists that I need his drug for sure
For every known disease it is able to cure
Make money working at home I’ll tell you how
Just send the money I ask and do it right now
Buy your degree from our bogus diploma mill
Displaying it on your wall will give you a thrill
It is an American business partner that I need
So get back in touch with me in greatest speed
Buy your drugs from my great Canadian store
There is no reason why you should pay more
Some cheap life insurance I will gladly sell
Even if you’re old and not feeling too well
Your profile my racy imagination did unbend
And my stats and sexy photos I want to send
Hello, friend, I sure hope that you are there
Because I want to buy your useless time share
In case you phallus isn’t quite large enough
I want to sell you some of my amazing stuff
Surely there must be something that can be done
To put these lying online scamsters on the run
spam it is ham in a can
or just big boobs appearing on my screen
never let your computer to land on someone laps
as you will be invaded with meat not to your taste
vegetarian of human flesh I do not care for the abs of young males
sailing their trade as the udder of young cows do nothing for me
delete will send me the world of obscene
I miss the birds and the flowers
the good stories of gentle souls taking their rumps in privacy