Best Spam Poems
Keep your bacon, keep your ham
Keep your loganberry jam
No pastrami
No salami
In my sarnie I want Spam
Ain’t no bones, ain’t no brains
Ain’t no seeds, ain’t no grains
Slightly spicy
Tasty nicey
Spam ain’t got any veins
And the tin that it’s in
Kinda square, kinda thin
Ring pull lid
Key got rid
Spam don’t slice off your skin
So that’s Spam; good to eat
Not some cheap luncheon meat
Fried or cold
I’m just sold
Because Spam can’t be beat
One day, a convict got away, and went out on the lam.
And on the sly, he did buy, his very own kitchen cam.
Wanting to glow, in a reality show, though not a ham.
This jailbird, much preferred, to star in the Joy of Spam.
For Rhyme Battle contest
Checking all my emails is becoming quite a chore
my inbox piling up with offers I've never asked for
there's one here from a dating site that says I've got no friends
and one's a cure for balding and it also cures split ends
this latest one has got some nerve and left me really miffed
it claims that I am crap in bed and helps me to get stiff
the pop-up tablet advert claims I need to lose some weight
plus a free tub of some cream because my skin is in a state
Although I have deleted them I don't feel really mad
coz when I sit and think about it-
four out of five ain't bad............
Computer spam I really do abhor
But tinned Spam I have an appetite for
I liked it in the Army
And never did it harm me
And it helped to win the Second World War
Robert L. Hinshaw, CMSgt, USAF, Retired
© All Rights Reserved
"Proper Pam im-promiscuity carries a
tepid torch against the blank footlights
of a dimlit digital marital marquee---last on the
billing of a car-null double featurette like
a black and white bijou plotless rerun
hand cranked by an arthritic arm;
pit pursuant of
quicksand lust with a gray gaze monotony
able to hitchhike from a plavce point left
only undetermined,
I've seen more action from a shoe sticky floor
or a large hole in an uncomfortable seat cushion,
not to "juxtapare" mind me but what a
chronofile, if briefcases couldspeak and not the
numbers from the credit card diction-ary of child
desires---stratfied pleasures far from TILT
lean calmly on majestic inconsequentials--like
ships passing in the night.
a blue ribbon in a cud chewing contest
I keep getting spam emails
From Ms Fatale Attraction
Who is a bored housewife
Looking for some hot action
With a younger man, if poss
So if I keep receiving her siren-ing
I might just reply to her
Then I can send her my ironing
You do not want 'spam'
Place trust in your FireWall
It will screen for you
Sam ordered Spam, Spam,
Spam...Spam, Spam, Spam...eggs, sausage
and Spam for breakfast.
"Can I substitute
Spam for the sausage?" he asked
the Counter person.
"You want Spam, Spam, Spam...
Spam, Spam, Spam...eggs and Spam—and
Spam for the sausage?"
"I want Spam, Spam, Spam...
Spam, Spam, Spam...Spam, eggs, Spam...and
Spam instead of eggs."
"You want Spam, Spam, Spam...
Spam, Spam, Spam...Spam, Spam, Spam...but
no eggs or sausage?"
"Yes, and could I have
a side order of Spam, and
a Spam sub to go?"
"You want Spam on the
side...and do you want Spam in
place of the sub roll??"
"Yes, thanks!...Just out of
curiosity: What did
you have for breakfast?"
"I had Spam, Spam, Spam...
Spam, Spam, Spam...Spam, Spam, Spam...juice,
Spam, Spam, Spam, and tea."
First thing I do is check the date
Good thru two thousand eighty five
Haven't had a can this fresh
Since Calvin Coolidge was alive
You can call it quirkiness
Each time I give the top a thump
Best way to tell if it's perfectly jelled
To the consistency that I love
If you know what I'm taking about
Well right you are and yes I am
That delectable treat of mystery meat
Known around the world as A Can Of Spam
Spam only comes in one savory flavor
King of canned meat there is only one
You remember long after your dining pleasure
By the amount of film left on your tongue
Do as I do and save the lid
A smart move you would be making
Comes in handy after dining
To help along with the tongue scraping
LOOKING AT MY SPAM
A guy with a busy-life like me has everything he could want, right at fingertips:
I can “stop snoring with a dentist-designed mouthpiece”
And can pay for it, after I “check my credit rating on line”.
Everyone I know should offer me “Congratulations” [ because I ]
“have been chosen to join the National Association of Professional Wrestlers”.
On the other hand my interests may lean towards the aesthetic:
And I could “learn at the University of Phoenix” until they award me
“the Degree on-line of beautician and cosmetologist”.
As consolation, I "can also obtain 70% off all [my] Viagra needs” -
Never knew, but older guys tell me it’s a drug to help ‘their health’.
Finally if the drugs and education can’t help, I can pursue
“Lawsuits for serious injury and compo” with those well-known
Ambulance chasers, Messrs. Ripoff, Fleecem & Grabbit.
Maybe writing a poem about reading spam is itself a symptom
Of my empty life. . . . . . . . . I really gotta get out more.
Fancy spam emails
I don’t mind nor the ones
cobbled in broken English
from someone who says
he’s with a bank overseas
and is holding money for me
if I will send a small token
to show my good faith.
No, the spam emails
that bother me
are the ones that use
the names of people
I know well, like my daughter.
Those emails I’d like to answer.
We were close before she died.
Donal Mahoney
SPAMming is now a way of life,
eye just decided those people aer alive.
When you delete SPAM messages they still survive.
The people silly not the messages.
I meant the silly people of course not ewe.
Of course ewe dew survive. Now wait where was eye?
SPAM. We aer NOT trying to murder them just to avoid
the curcumstantial evidence of mis-directed information
and robotic responses found so hard to manage in e-mail.
SPAM. We call it SPAM. SPAM.
Why? eye don~t know but the namme is deserved.
Someone is actually and factually driving a real car
to an office. Sitting in a chair in a red dress.
Turning her computor mouse toward my address.
SPAM. OH NO.
I am sent another SPAM to my e-mail.
GOD help US.
Oh it is OKAY.
Eye have a TOOL-BAR.
Automatic-delete-delete-delete-beep.
SPAM.
Who are you OH woman of SPAM.
Wait eye don~t hate you,
Thank you for sending me SOME.
SPAM.
I love you but your message MUST go.
Automatic-delete-beep.
OH NO
I love my spam folder
as I grow older
for those who send
are not my friend!
So THANKS for saving me
from bankrupt destiny!
Spam-O-Rama-Dama
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Red potato
green potato
sweet potato
Yam
funeral potatoes
eggs and potatoes
mashed potatoes
Spam
baked potatoes
peeled potatoes
eat them
while you can
potato eyes
potato fries
potatoes au gratin
potatoes rotten
make potato jam