Best Salmonella Poems
FRED THE PERV.
Kinky Fred stole knickers off the line
One summer night his haul totalled nine
His spree ended in tears
Got an extra ten years
When Judge Sue said that red pair were mine.
LARS.
A young astronaut from NASA called Lars
Blasted off from Cape Kennedy to Mars
But then there was a glitch
When he pressed the wrong switch
Last seen heading at warp speed to the stars.
PETE.
A young pianist from New York called Pete
Could play William Tell using his feet
But he fell of his chair
And he started to swear
Was booed off and thrown into the street.
JOHNNY GABLE.
A mean old waiter called Johnny Gable
Saw a man choke to death on a bagel
He then shifted his body
To the side of the lobby
Said forgive me but we need the table .
O'TOOLE.
A forgetful pilot Johnny O'Toole
Was over the north sea flying to Bule
Then both engines spluttered
Under his breath muttered
Looked at his gauge and screamed no ruddy fuel.
OLD GANGSTER.
An old gangster rose from rags to riches
Got rid of all his traitors and snitches
They'd find in their bed
A racehorses head
Or find themselves sleeping with the fishes.
THE BAKER.
An unwashed old baker from Idaho
Had filthy fingers when kneeding the dough
Folk choked on his paella
Some died from salmonella
Got closed down and ended up on skid row.
O'KEEFE.
A fella by the name of O'Keefe
Was the long serving town's police chief
Someone stole the mess cookies
Everyone blamed the rookies
But it turned out O'Keefe was the thief.
AMOUROUS MICHAEL.
Amourous young Michael from Mayo
At a girls house he tried to stayo
She started to shouto
And then kicked him outo
Said she" you're not staying no wayo."
NIGERIAN POEM THIEF.
A sly poem thief from Nigeria
On the soup caused a mass hysteria
He stole soupers work
Soupers went beserk
On the run now cos he's in fear of ya.
Written 18th august 2019.
Aren't many or any finer than Dan me ol mucker & china who now looks out for nightmare cooks or crooks making money off the books with rare meat on dirty hooks in filthy nooks but don't care want to give him a shiner for saying don't be hasty or cheat prepare pukka tasty tucker & succour...safe fayre to eat for every diner...
Owners booming hysteria at inspector criteria
Kitchens so unclean like a war scene in Liberia
Zooming in you find they're grooming Listeria
Rightly fuming that it is blooming like wisteria
Hardly stellar told fella to have old mortadella
Rank covered in dank mould stank in the cellar
Dan who's a fan of Paul Weller is a fortune teller
Scores on doors stop more spores of Salmonella
Suss some are no faff or fuss a them & us schism
Despairing whiners cuss not caring about criticism
Cleanliness next to Godliness just an anachronism
Foolish witticism as diners get ghoulish botulism
Out of date food they buy deny do things on the fly
Just comply no treason and here’s the reason why
If duff stuff you season on the sly to try and get by
The Council’s the fall guy as folks do die from Ecoli
Hunch lunch or brunch scare dodgy ware of tupper
Owners get shirty but it’s so dirty can’t serve supper
Ask my man Dan this is not a masterplan to scupper
A public sector inspector would rather have a cuppa
Sit and watch the thin, blank dawn
that never quite sweeps you off your feet.
Wrestle with memories that don't want to be suppressed,
and repress the urge to canon-ball into the ocean.
(sinking: sinking slowly, because you never learned how to swim.)
Listen to rainbows churning in oil-spill puddles,
and wait for the beautiful oblivion to take its toll.
Somewhere inside you know things will never be the same again,
but that's okay with you, sickening as it seems.
(you want to float away into seaweed forests and play fetch with the big, bad wolf.)
Dream of living a full, happy life
while you tear your world apart.
Sell your body to those dark, dank demons in your cerebrum,
whimpering and wondering deep into the night.
(praying for a chance to show your worth while you still exist.)
Sink low beneath the foaming sea,
wring out your hands and paint your thighs with scarlet letters.
Let the wolves lap the salmonella from your fingertips
and wrap yourself in red - lay face down in the snow, don't breathe too deeply:
(someone dances in snowflakes nearby.)
Watch the thin, blank dusk
that never quite sweeps you off your feet.
Wish for brazen arms and a warm crook of the neck to rest in.
Hug yourself beneath the covers and silently cry; you know now...
(no one wants to comfort a girl who craves suffering.)
You will never be what anyone wants.
Eggs, eggs, glorious eggs
I could eat 'em three time a day
Scrambled, poached or sunny side up
I love 'em any old way
Eggs, eggs, glorious eggs
Like a yummy egg salad sandwich
Devilled eggs, I could eat by the dozen
I'll even try one from an ostrich
Eggs, eggs, glorious eggs
Now to some, this may sound icky
At times I'll add a raw one to my cereal
That's probably not for the finicky
Eggs, eggs, glorious eggs
I'm aware of a most recent recall
Detected a trace of salmonella poisoning
Now that won't deter me at all
Eggs, eggs, glorious eggs
Just keep eating 'em, don't have a choice
A day without these delightful wee treasures
Is the pits, no chance to rejoice
© Jack Ellison 2012
Watch out, fella!
Beware of Salmonella!
A Serving of Bacteria With the Pork?
By Elton Camp
It’s hard to believe that some say
Eating pork that’s pink is okay
Here’s how a supermarket survey went
Yersinia were found in nearly 70 percent
Salmonella, enterococcus and listeria too
Make undercooked pork a meal to rue
Since hogs to begin with aren’t very clean
Better hygiene in processing it does mean
In the meantime, what can pork eaters do
For reasonable safety, the options are two
Cross-contamination must not take place
And adequate cooking germs will efface
It makes some wonder if they might
Embrace a largely vegetarian diet
ROAD TO DAMASCUS
Granite faith exfoliated by superguns and sanctions whirls,
on this earth succumbing into dry spell of peace,
War-crats and confidantes skinning freedom from its people
Kofi drinking coffee with revolutionaries and revolutionaries in
Aleppo cafe on his way to Damascus
Daughters eating NGOs, GMOs, condoms and twitter
Bullet scorching the feet of super diplomats and mediators
Wiki leaks castrating the reputation of this state
Opportunists and oppositionists eating asparagus and liver in candle light dinners
Selfish pseudo prophets calculating political matrixes, salmonella laced sugar tongued
Democrats cooking autocratic beetroot and propaganda pizza for media rituals and puppets initiation.
____________________________________________________________
I really should'a read the fine print,
when I booked this trip.
Now, thanks to salmonella,
we're all stuck on this ship.
Pay Your Taxes
No one relaxes
Before paying taxes
Close Shave
Homeless man shaved
By cop saved
Wait For It…
American tax cheat
IRS hot seat
Bacteria Blues
Watch out, fella!
Beware of salmonella!
Twitter Rants
Twitter “shadow banning”
Latest flame fanning
Red Planet
Liquid water lake?
For goodness sake!
Century's Longest Lunar Eclipse
Longest lunar eclipse
Blood moon outstrips
Sunny Side Up Please
By Elton Camp
As to eating runny eggs, experts say
It’s far preferable just to run away
Undercooked yolk & translucent white
Due to salmonella, are quite a fright
Such cooking, the CDC does deride
For eggs are laid with germs inside
Consuming “over light” is a mistake
Frying them on both sides it does take
If you find that the eggs are oozing,
Food poisoning you may be choosing
It happens over 1,000 times a year
With 30 more cases for one we hear
To avoid undercooked eggs, do try
They’re unlikely to make you die
But barfing and the runs will be bad
From the raw egg that you just had
roast beef (rare) had looks beyond compare
his face was rosy and blush
without a trace of stubble or gristle
he was suave and clean
a beef lovers dream
hard and lean a macho machine
gleaming
dreaming
scheming of a way to seduce Phyllis Filet
roast beef (rare) met Phyllis filet on a gray day
the were standing in line at the slaughterhouse gate
small talking
awaiting their fate
as the inched their way closer to endeavor the cleaver
they felt so much lust they were encrusted in fever
burning to escape the date of their fate
they devised a plan
a slaughterhouse scam
they executed the plan with lightning force
Phyllis wiggled over and started flirting with a horse
she glowed
her words flowed as she took him for a ride
roast beef (rare) felt a swelling of pride
he knew when Phyllis caressed the horses tail
that there'd be no way that their plan could ever fail
that they'd soon be romping in greener pastures
both of them getting just what they were after
they flung on a fling
high
low
every which way but loose
Phyllis the poor dear conceived a papoose
a bouncing baby beef to be or not to be
that was her dilemma
after she found out that roast beef (rare) was infested with salmonella
Sunny Side Up
By Elton Camp
It’s my favorite breakfast food of all
Delicious eggs filled with cholesterol
Scrambled they can come out too dry
So sometimes poaching them I’ll try
But they way I like them cooked best
That is far superior to any of the rest
The white is set, but a runny yellow
I am not at bit afraid of Salmonella
But symptoms began the very next day
Twas off to the bathroom without delay
And so to enter the hospital I was fated
Because I became too badly dehydrated
Now when eggs I decide that I’ll eat,
The most safe cooking can’t be beat
I never again expect that I’ll decide
To eat another egg called sunny side
I signed up for beginner lessons at a gourmet cooking school
Everything was going well at first; the chef was pretty cool
Aroma of well-seasoned chicken parmesan made me drool
But that was before the dramatic entrance of a silly fool
Smilin' like the Cheshire Cat, his name was Dulydunnylac
He went stridin' around the kitchen, callin' everyone, 'Jack.'
We were dressed in white, but Duly said he only wears black
Chef said, "Not here, you won't, and don't think of talking back."
Duly mumbled as he made pasta, but I ignored his chit chat
He made a dish with ginger; called it 'Gineramacolgeepat'
The chef sniffed it before he took a bite, and then he spat
No words spoken, but their eyes locked in scornful combat
I created a dish in Duly's honor, and named it 'Egernomenality'
which translated into, "Duly is eager but has no mentality"
He took a bunch of swings at me with enthusiasm and vitality
so I had him arrested and he'll appear in court for an illegality
The whole class graduated, 'cept for Duly, that big surly fella
We made spicy Florinella pizza, loaded with extra mozzarella
but some classmates were turning the shade of yucky yella
One by one we were hospitalized, suffering from salmonella
-In 2008, a massive recall of peanuts thought to be contaminated with bacteria occured. Not
very many people became ill, and only twenty percent of those that did were hospitalized.
Only a handful died. It was a media frenzy.-
Did you know?
Did You hear?
The tree nuts and peanuts have grown to sentience,
no longer willing to live beneath a primate jack-boot they have
armed themselves. They have
made a resolve.
Jihad!
Now they terror-bomb their opressors, strapping
ecoli and salmonella to their bodies and dying as heroes of the cause.
Now they strike their targets without discrimination, for
they are malicious little legumes, enemies
of red blooded A-mericans everywhere.
Never doubt their skill or persistant nature, or you could be next!
Yes, you!
Struck dead in your own home by these dangerous fundamentalists who are
intolerant by their very nature.
Now
they align themselves with pistachios and raw eggs, and
they plot their next series of attacks in their
cupboard terror-den caves.
Periodically, they
release threatening videos to fox news, declaring an
allout war on the morbidly obese. I for one
am terrified.
And there's more. Their
Leader, "Mr. Peanut" is pure evil in a monocle, tophat
spats and a cane. He smiles with
malevolence at the running camcorder, where he vows to
destroy all the rotund infidels, and all who
violate his brothers in arms whom cower on supermarket shelves.
I'm still kind
and still rewind.
Even though the disc
goes back to the beginning
automatically each time.
There's a lesson in life
for holding doors.
It depends how far away
the person is in seconds,
I believe it's 4.
Don't hold the door if the
person is more than 50 feet.
You don't want an old lady
sprinting through the street.
Throw egg shells away
don't put them next to the fresh.
You don't want that in your carton
because salmonella can lead to death.
Carry as many groceries
as you can in one hand.
The more bags in one hand
the more you are masculine.
If you're a man grow a beard if you can
and you might ask, what for?
The beard on a male human,
could be looked at as horns.
Be romantic and simple,
know your parter well
they're a keeper if they have dimples,
because their smile casts spells.
Check your ego at the door
check your needs at the door.
Regardless of your condition
or if it's a bad day, your mood.
Make life a happy endeavor
and take care of your brood.