Best Limericks Poems
1. Big Brother
Big Brother's protecting his mice
with a secret eavesdropping device.
If you hang up the phone
he'll just send in a drone
when a warrant won't really suffice.
2. Neutrality
The internet's meant to be free,
yes for all, such as you, such as me.
But now there's some doubt -
will it lose all its clout
with the death of neutrality's spree?
3. Privacy
'twas surely our forefather's dread
all our emails would someday be read.
Now that push comes to shove
by the powers above,
private thoughts must now stay in our head.
4. Guantanamo
Guantanamo bay's a resort
where the fishing's a fabulous sport -
with your back on a board
tepid water is poured
spawning tales for a kangaroo court.
5. Banks
To bountiful bailouts give thanks
for there's nothing much richer than banks -
making money galore
taking homes from the poor
while they're managing mortgaging pranks.
6. Health
If you live in the States don't get sick
(lest a cut of the upper class clique).
Whether injured or ill
all they'll give you's a pill -
if you're lucky you'll surely die quick.
7. Economy
Our economy's doing just fine
lying dead with a slug in the spine.
So come follow the call
where there's money for all
and pure profit's the bottom-most line.
8. Safety
Vigilantes and cops are wide spread -
as for justice… not even a shred.
The avengers of right
score when stalking the night
so beware of a cap in the head.
Inspired by Joseph Mays limerick contest.
(not for contest )
-----------------------------------------------
A mischievous chef known as McMurray
For a joke put Epsom salts in the curry
The toilet door he did lock
The customers were in shock
He left by the back door in a great hurry.
An astronomer by the name of Pete
Was perving at the lady cross the street
Full moon he did spy
But not in the sky
He got caught and went as white as a sheet.
There was a dodgy plumber called John Blake
No plumbing skills was a bit of a fake
The wrong nut he undone
Panicked went on the run
Now downstairs of the house has its own lake.
A randy teacher called Fred O'Hare
With a young girl he had an affair
But she told her dad
Who went hopping mad
Now Fred is getting medical care .
There was a very weird poet from Bude
Loved to sit out writing verse in the nude
A wasp stung his manhood
Screamed out as you would
Doc said that's what you get for being rude .
The Garden of Eden
Some people believe that the Garden of Eden
Was in Africa, Asia, Australia...not Sweden.
The presumed site of its location
Is assumed from the interpretation
Of which Good Book's being read…and who's doin' the readin'.
Noah
Noah's ark, neither yacht nor a sloop,
Was constructed to be one big animal coop.
On his crew It must have been a strain
That during forty days and nights of rain
To keep forking in fodder and scooping out poop.
It Ain't Necessarily So
Pious people are prone to become agitated
When agnostics assess their belief's overrated,
And the words that they're liable
To find in the Bible
By mere men were created, not divinely dictated.
LADY SOUPERS LIMERICKS
Jan Allison, Brenda Chiri, Dear Heart, Andrea Dietrich, Lu Loo, Tania Kitchin, Anne-Lise aka Sunshine Smile, SKAT A, Poet Destroyer, Line Gauthier, Kim Rodrigues, Joyce Johnson, Susan Ashley, Caren Krutsinger, Sara Kendrick, Carrie Richards, Rhoda Tripp, Nette Onclaud, Debbie Guzzi, Eileen Manassian, Dane Ann Smith-Johnson, Eve Roper, Sandra Haight, Heidi Sands, Beata Agustin, Anisha Dutta, Linda-Marie Sweetheart, Carolyn Devonshire, Jeanne McGee, Kim Merriman, CayCay Jennings, Darlene De Beaulieu, Connie Marcum Wong, Nicole Brandy, et al
They all are 'Souper' ladies you know
Though some may come and some may go
But on this you can rely
None of them is really shy
They say just what they want you to know
Their poems may be directed to a man
And I along with hundreds are their biggest fan
Some write stuff that's bawdy
But none of them are haughty
Some singles may say catch me if you can
They seldom seem to lose their muse
Write on any topic they choose
They all are so sweet
And you'll never meet
A group good enough to walk in their shoes
Curtis Moorman
8 August 2019
To their government Utah is true -
Not just state, but the federal too,
and so with great pride
they display on each side
of their flag the old Red, White and Blue.
Also famous for their industry,
Utah honors the cute bumble bee,
of which I now brag.
Center stage on their flag
is the hive of the bee….. naturally!
On Utah’s state flag is an eagle -
The symbol of peace, it is regal!
Pioneers, though, preferred,
a more interesting bird.
Why not on the flag is a seagull?
Most Utahans should know the story.
Long ago, crickets tried to destroy
the crops, till each gull
in Salt Lake ate them all!
That bald eagle has stolen gull’s glory!
Now a monument in Salt lake stands
for the sea gull, and isn’t it grand
that a bird that should be
living nearby the sea
is in love with a dry desert land!
Written by Andrea Dieitrich
July 22, 2015 for the contest of Judy Konos
NOTE: Came back here to say it's Pioneer Day (July 24). Utah is the only state to celebrate it. I can hear fireworks outside my house!!
There are a few gentlemen I admire
Whose lovely poems set my heart afire
Though we live far apart
They all captured my heart
Their romantic verses make me perspire.
I dare not expose each poet by name
Cuz I'm afraid that would make them fair game
To the women of soup
Who would make a swift swoop
To put flirty moves on each manly flame.
I'd best keep their IDs close to my vest
And imagine their heads upon my breast
While I pretend their lines
Are for me... valentines
And my breasts only used as a headrest.
Jenna
I dreamt I was lying on her soft breast
As cushions go they were simply the best
Then there was a loud beep
And I woke from my sleep
But I'll never forget her treasure chest...
Tom C.
One's lucky to pass the gravity test
With breasts able to use as a headrest
When they start to swing low
Reaching to your elbow
Those fantasy men will not be impressed.
Belle B.
Some soup poetesses leave me cold
Others make me feel lusty and bold
Then one I met
But to my regret
She just craved my bulging--billfold!
Robert Gorelick
Holidays are coming; the first is near
Halloween is a night that many fear
But the bravest ones boast
"I'm not afraid of ghosts!"
Until eerily haunting cries they hear.
There's feasting on November's holiday
Giving thanks for our blessings, we pray
But I burned the turkey
So, we ate beef jerky
On a table set in splendid array
Christmas; the holiday season of mirth
Jen partied until the time she gave birth
There was too much good cheer
We drank three kegs of beer
On New Year's Day, not a cent were we worth
My boyfriend was agitated
Because I was constipated
We'd be late for the game
Of course I was to blame
My butt hole's not dialated
On and on he whined and waited
Use of laxatives, debated
In my gut it was stuck
I could smell it... oh yuck
Boyfriend getting more frustrated
I could hear the game on the phone
I said, "Go. Just leave me alone!"
But he didn't hear me
His team was up by three
Stomach hurt, I let out a moan
Half hour later, he was snoring
I guess the game must be boring
I still sat on the can
Cursing my boyfriend, Dan
Who was no longer adoring.
After being lubricated
I sighed at being elated
Although my butt was sore
I had to poop no more
My bowels had been vacated
I found Dan's note and shook my head
"I had to poop, so went home instead
of waiting for you, Sue.
After this, we are through!"
That's exactly what his note said.
I felt relief, more ways than one
Happy that Dan and I were done
Now I can be alone
When sitting on my throne
No one shouting, "Hurry up, Hun!!"
BIN JAMAL
A pervert by the name of Bin Jamel
Was charged with bizarre sex with a mammal
the charges were read
Bin Jamal went red
Cos the charge was bonking a fat camel...
JOHNNY McGOOS
Did you hear about young Johnny McGoos
Had a misfortune regarding his shoes
The neighbours dog left a load
In the middle of the road
He missed it and skidded on doggy doos...
OLD FREDDIE
Old Freddie was choping wood from a tree
Was hurrying to get home for his tea
It didn't end well
He let out a yell
Missed the branch and the axe stuck in his knee...
BILL BEST
A young man by the name of Bill Best
Thought he'd put his girlfriend to the test
But she shattered Bill's dream
When she started to scream
They had layed down on top of an ants nest...
THE JOCKEY
A horse jockey was in the steeplechase
Was galloping at a very fast pace
He misjudged the tall jump
Hit the ground with a thump
Was left with egg and fresh mud on his face...
Written 29th July 2020.
Groot Limericks
Groot is an alien tree being
So tall you just cannot miss him
He obsorbed a bomb blast
Protecting friends from fall fast
And regrown in a pot from one limb
Groot would only say one word
Racoon understood what he heard
Best friends they did stay
Kept baddies at bay
Together both stood undeterred
Groot the loveable tree cutie
Likes to dance in the movie
His moves are so smooth
A dance partner to choose
King of the space disco boogie
09.10.20
A LIMERICK OR THREE INSPIRED BY THE
TOM CUNNNINGHAM
on
JAN ALLISONS
BIRTHDAY
~~~~~~~~~
there is a poetry soup poet called Tom
at composing limericks, so well done!
a birthday wish he wrote for Jan,
a birthday date I did ney ken!
Oh I wish I could sing the birthday song
now there's another named Mick
who's birthday wishes for Jan, hic
I toast, whilst having a coke
nowt in't, honest no joke
and now for my next party trick
there is a lady who goes by the name of Jan
on poetry soup you'll find her o yes you can
Allison, her nee, sorry don't not know
her poetry I do, it really does glow
and she abides on the beautiful Isle of Man
~~~~~~~
Thanks for the heads up Tom! Mick
HOLIDAY LIMERICKS
Holiday workers on mid-west farms
Know it is true that UV light harms
But all will ignore the sign
Wearing a T-shirt is fine
As they do have the right to bare arms
Vacations are not merely to rest
As after all, paid work is the best
It is the nation they know
A love of country they show
By all holding a hand to their chest
~ GREEN JELLO ~
A fellow from an archipelago
Puts on caps and hats made of green jello
Doesn't care what you think
His short pants shocking pink
Wears lipstick and rouge too ~ bright hot yellow
~ THE TOOTH FAIRY ~
The cutest girl in the monastery
Is planning to become a Tooth Fairy
She hides teeth in her bra
Young boys cry "Ooh-la-la"
Saying their prayers eagerly, quite merry
"Grandma and a drink from the blender -
a fine meal, but could be more tender",
said Wolf two minutes before
Little Red opened the door,
making him a two-time offender.
A witch said, "Welcome, Hansel and Gretal.
Should I cook you by oven or kettle?"
The hag (just back from the coven)
heard Gretel say, "I like 'oven'".
Hansel said, "You're a sister with mettle".
Jack's mother's son was not bright, she'd allow.
The son (our Jack) was sent to sell a cow.
The family had no means,
but dull Jack bought only beans,
and returning said, "Should I've got Kung Pao?"
A duckling could afford only off brand,
so he was ostracized, bullied and banned.
But as time slowly passed on,
he became a well-dressed swan,
and told those damned ducks to pound sand.
Fairy gave Pinocchio latitude,
so the puppet improved his attitude.
Can you imagine his joy
when he became a real boy
with a heart overflowing with gratitude.
When Rumpelstiltskin walked through the door,
my life suddenly, changed - that's for "shore"!
I'm a queen and have gold,
more than my arms can hold,
and he broke when his foot stamped the floor.
A girl came to the castle one wet day.
She was a princess and allowed to stay.
She complained of a pea -
married the prince you see,
who regrets it to his very last day.
For snow white clothes, you must give them a rinse,
but a snow-white girl needs more to convince.
Dwarves numbering seven
won't send her to heaven.
For that, she'll need a well-built, handsome prince.
Three little pigs asked, "What will it take
to build a house fit for a strong quake?"
For wolves the best trick
might be to use brick,
but, for earthquakes, that is a mistake.
A frog waited patiently in a well
until a golden ball finally fell.
A princess soon followed,
Frog nervously swallowed,
saying "Kiss me". Princess said, "Go to hell".
A prince who’d been changed by a spell,
Was an ugly frog in a well.
To a pretty young miss
He said, “Give me a kiss.”
She replied, No thank you, you smell.”
When asked by Prince Charming to wed,
Cinderella shook her fair head.
Thought, not for a ransom,
He’s not very handsome
And she married Buttons instead.
When Snow-white saw the dwarves in the hall,
She observed they were not very tall.
They were children she thought
And decided she ought
To apply to foster them all.
The dragon had breath fiery red
And the people wanted him dead.
So Saint George was dispatched
But, unevenly matched,
The dragon slayed Saint George instead
Georgy Porgy, pudding and pie,
Kissed all the girls and made them cry.
Nursery Land was aghast
At what had just passed
For Georgy was a girl, that’s why.
On the pretext of finding water,
Jack chased Jill and then, when he caught her,
They got carried away
And the following May,
Jill gave birth to a little daughter