Best Kit And Caboodle Poems
I just found out two poodles that I bought
were ferrets! Ay caramba! And guess what?
To make each one resemble less a rat,
they gave them steroids, making them both fat!
They also fluffed their pretty fur just so
around their heads. So how was I to know?
Each one looked so much like a toy poodle
they had me fooled - whole kit and caboodle!
Our veterinarian has verified
the facts for me. Those poodle dealers lied.
And folks now say I should have realized
the truth, which stared at me with beady eyes!
Those ferrets sure run fast; I think I’ll buy
two tiny leashes, or else I could try. . .
to sucker someone stupider than me.
Hey, buy one poodle; get the other free!
For Janice Canerdy's Rhyming Couplets Poetry Contest
* I wrote this April 22, 2013 after hearing a news story about a guy who actually believed he had bought a poodle when it was a ferret on steroids! See above for the link to the news footage!
Similar sounds and letter alliteration are literally leaping and precipitously punctuating the
perforated pages of my mired, muddled mind..
Making mental maps for future fun in meditation mired muse, meticulously masks the
real reasons I rise from my favorite fluffy floral flecked futon.
It seems somehow strange but my favorite finely fitted floral flecked futon is infested full
of flippin’ fleas. I feel flabbergasted!
It could be the culprits causing this consternation are cats coming into the corridor
constantly carrying the creepy critters in. Crap!
We’ll have to hurriedly heave the whole heaping kit and caboodle of carnivorous cats into
a crate and fumigate the frolicking fun loving finicky felines. Fine!
Fortunately, I’m finished..…….finally.
Sausage some call me
I beg to disagree.
I know I am not tall
In fact I am quite small
My body long and thin
About which I never grin.
Low to the ground
Is how I trot around
Floppy ears hanging down
Makes me look like a clown.
I will make a wish upon a star
It’s not supposed to matter what you are
Time for a change Kit and caboodle
I wish I was a stately poodle.
A Jim-Jam Mickey-Mouse Poem
I think that you might never see
A poem as weird as this might be
For I’ll use luscious words
That otherwise might sound absurd
This poem may turn out silly-sally
Or even a bit dillydally
In hindsight this whole kit and caboodle
May come across as dipsy-doodle
I’ll find a rhyme for titillated
That’s quintessentially outdated
I might include a foxy lady
But not written like my friend Slim Shady
So there won’t be some randy blowhard
Gender-bender sleaze-ball retard
No hooligan with gizmo manikin
No easy rider glissade shenanigan
No penny pincher prude nitpicker
And of course no cowboy old ****-kicker
And I would be recalcitrant
If I were to use this poem to rant
Though I know at times I vacillate
I shan’t lambaste this tete-a-tete
I haven’t worked in balderdash
Bloke or codger or mish-mash
No Tallulah, no Colleen
No rambunctious Charlie Sheen
And there’s no dubious diddlysquat
But that’s abso-bloody–lutely all I’ve got
Mdailey 3/30/12
The Labradoodle
It’s clear that the scamp is a Poodle
By its frolicsome dabble and doodle
But add a big part
Of the Labrador’s heart
And you’ve got the whole kit and caboodle
The Labrador Retriever (Lab)
The Lab a friend gave to his daughter
Had a chronic aversion to water
He’d cling to the shore
Like a rug to the floor
To avoid making waves like he oughter
The Lagotto Romagnolo
It caused quite a local kerfuffle
When he called a potato a truffle*
By the time it was done
A committee of one
Went and cancelled his license to snuffle
(*known for their skill at finding truffles)
The Leonberger
There are dogs that are bigger than these
Like some Mastiffs and Great Pyrenees
But few are more stately
Or admired more greatly
For their grace and perpetual ease
The Lhasa Apso
Just repeat: Lhasa apso not ipso
That’s a facto: I’m sharing this tip so
You don’t make a flub
With the whole Lhasa Club
While they contemplate your membership so
The Maltese
I once knew a Maltese named Tawny
Who was quick and ill-tempered and scrawny
While protecting a crumb
Nearly took off my thumb
Now he sleeps with the fish in the Suwannee
The Mastiff
The Mastiff’s a glorious sight
With a name that exemplifies might
Now imagine this house
The size of a mouse
A “toy mastiff” just doesn’t sound right
The Mutt
A mutt may show up with a rat
Do some terrible things to your hat
But he’s happy for sure
Just to roll in manure
And so grateful that he’s not a cat
The Newfoundland (Newfie)
One day on the nearby horizon
He encountered an ornery bison*
And though it was large
The Newfie took charge
Mattered not what the difference in size in
The Norwegian Elkhound
Look honey, look what I found!
It’s an orphaned Norwegian elkhound!
He’ll be easy to raise
With some love and some praise
And a pasture that serves as a pound
I ain't surprised by anything I hear on the news nowadays!
The way the gov'mint is bein' run just leaves me in a daze!
This mornin' I heard another of Obama's schemes has gone sour!
Seems that this lulu will add more to China's balance of power!
His stim-scheme gave millions to the A123 Systems Company in Michigan,
To make batteries for hybrid autos - his much-touted transportation plan!
He boasted to workers that this would fuel the economy for years to come,
Yet, it seems the place has gone south and its operations will succumb!
'Tis well-known that we are in hock to the Chinese for a ton of bucks,
And here is the irony of the sorry scheme and a most important crux;
China is buying the place with our money - the whole kit and caboodle!
American taxpayers are left holding the bag - not worth a Chinese noodle!
You won't find this story on MSNBC, CNN or CBS - only on Fox News!
Other media will support Barak no matter what, spewing their biased views!
Hey! That's our hard-earned tax money you're blowin' Barak Hussein!
Are you gonna cut your wasteful spendin'? We're waitin' for you to explain!
Robert L. Hinshaw, CMSgt, USAF, Retired
© All Rights Reserved
The Slide Ruler
As regulations rule this world from outside in and my time slowly
seeps away on this planet’s realm I gaze in awe at that once modern
instrument of calculation that dangles from the ceiling lamp in my
~ Study ~
In forward looking nostalgia my memories ambivalent a reminder of
words scripted on paper in fountain pen and blotting paper absorbing
the logic never understood derived from square rooted calculus’s incisive
~ Precision ~
I failed the examination maybe my hands were too clumsy or my mind
too entangled in quests of a different kind of looming poet trees
in onward advances flooding naive crafting knitting dreams and emotional
~ Liberation ~
I tried to run away and on track right by the start of a marathon
real and timed in a fast moving obsession I discovered my ruler sliding
into my fingers for a Euro in red plastic casing with figures organizing
~ Incomprehension ~
Metaphorical and analogue to a desire to escape from the dogma of science
eschewing the unquestioned paradigm of only one truth and one answer
only as well as the modern compulsion with bits and apps it reminds me of
~ Signposts ~
Trivial directives which lead me away and beyond of what can be counted
calculated in the hamster wheeling rat race of pretending to know
exactly what is an illusion in any case plastic or iron cased in
~ Rationalization ~
Nevertheless and because of what I could not understand with a
slide ruler and the pretence of computer colonized minds around me
I cherish not simply for all time’s sake that comprehension results from
~ Fragmentation ~
And thus found the whole kit and caboodle the complementation of
polarity synthesized opposites complemented diversity celebrated in the
festival of life and the living with brick a brack completing the meaning of
~ Life ~
24th October 2016
Old Jewelry Or Just Old Things Contest
Us guys never lose our love for the opposite sex
It's deeply engrained in our psyche
It's obvious every single day of our lives
We travel life's highway admiring the scenery passing by
This one make me sit up and take notice
That one turns my rusty old crank
Now this one over here makes me salivate
Us males continue the need to refresh our canvas
We easily get bored with the same old, same old
Variety they say is the spice of life
In my case, it's the whole kit and caboodle!
So keep on keeping on with your provocativeness
As long as I'm still alive and kicking
I'll continue to admire the female form in all it's glory
Your charm will never go unnoticed
Long live short skirts!
© Jack Ellison 2014
If there's frost on your noodle, don't despair
It's a sign of genius if you've got grey hair
But the experts say when the colour takes flight
Intelligence doesn't just happen overnight
It takes years and years of bumps and grinds
So make sure you don't get left behind
To survive in this crazy and wacky old world
Ya gotta be ready for whatever gets hurled
Grey hair says intelligence between the ears
Achieving great wisdom throughout the years
A scholarly person you've turned out to be
Now if only your kiddies could also see
That parents are not just a couple of dolts
May even be smarter than a lot of young colts
Who may know computers and all that stuff
That's not all there is, it's not quite enough
To be able to deal with the challenges of life
One needs the smarts to deal with strife
For everyday problems that are bound to arise
Facing head on life's every surprise
Don't be embarrassed by frost on you noodle
You've got the whole kit and caboodle
Acquiring great knowledge throughout the years
With loads of laughter and many tears
© Jack Ellison 2014
Have you ever seen a kangaroo
Who's a little bit off his noodle
He hops around like a crazy galoot
Who's lost his kit and caboodle
Sometimes barks like a little doggy
And chases cars and trucks
At times he meows like a *****cat
Or sometimes quacks like a duck
Once got amorous with a moo cow
Outcome could've been disastrous
Luckily came to his senses in time
Almost had our first kangcowrous
They're treating him for psychosis
It's costing him a bunch of dough
Maybe he'll act like a kangaroo again
For his sake, we sure hope it's so
There's a moral here, it's very simple
It's about knowing who you are
Being happy within the skin you're in
And not coveting another star!
© Jack Ellison 2013
only by a fluke did I manage
to worm winning trust
among Christmas elves and reindeer
confident this generic guy,
would never breach scandalous
tidbits, into a an underground impregnable
air-raid shelter, the motley crue
tied blindfold over my eyes, didst steer
me hermetically sealed
sound (cloud) proof bunker
while ensconced (security detail munchkins,
who just so happened tubby *****
minded entrance portal)
only after getting the thumb up signal,
whereat nose pies planted
espionage surveillance devices
the chief head honcho and attendents,
Smoky and the bandits respectively,
magically, andhandily did ap pear
and despite one hundred percent bug free,
a whispered stance opted just to make sure
no unwanted eavesdropper could overhear
plus every participant swore an oath, cuz
any leaked real or “FAKE” information,
would spell imminent demise to be near
the upshot, sans grave emergency
d escribingclandestine arraignment
involving some rogue elf
(most likely at least two),
and a misbehaving reindeer
(names withheld to avoid any spoiler alert,
plus this entire kit and caboodle
necessary to help Saint Nick
got wind, (and subsequently reined in)
a rave party with orgiastic
sex, drugs and rock and roll
that a band aided elf(ves)
laced with Pepper Minstix
(anonymously hashtagged Sodom and Gomorrah)
sullied pure as the driven snow repute,
when alias Sugarplum Mary (“FAKE NAME”)
detected snorting cocaine
code named Alabaster Snowball,
while additionally
besmirching her virginity
via coital cavorting
amidst a Bushy Evergreen
shaking as if frenzied
with feverish boogie woogie flu
which seductive, prurient,
and master baiter friend zeed
(spunky gangnum style) Shinny Upatree
which could slay Wunorse Openslae reputation
as substance abusers,
and sex offenders if not worse.
Have you ever seen a kangaroo
Who's a little bit off his noodle
He hops around like a crazy galoot
Who's lost his kit and caboodle
He sometimes barks like a doggy
And chases cars and trucks
At times he meows like a kitty cat
Or sometimes quacks like a duck
Once got amorous with a moo cow
Outcome could've been disastrous
Luckily came to his senses in time
Almost had our first kangacowerous
They're treating him for psychosis
It's costing him a bunch of dough
Maybe he'll act like a kangaroo again
For his sake, we sure hope that's so
There's a moral here, it's very simple
It's about knowing who you are
Being happy with the skin you're in
And not coveting another star!
©Jack Ellison 2012
Has this ever happened to you, my friends
Was walking my sweetie down the lane
When out pops a sign post and belts me one
Rattles me and shakes up my brain
Was trying to impress my sweetie pie
There was nothing but love on my mind
No doubt my honey was quite unimpressed
Thought I was an idiot of some kind
Tried hard to pretend it was no big deal
As stars buzzed round in my noodle
Attempted to speak only gibberish came out
Affected my whole kit and caboodle
I've always been known as a bit of a klutz
But now try to avoid any shocks
My sweetie and me still enjoy the scenery
But I wear a helmet on our walks!
@Jack Ellison 2012
A query one respondent
sent didst seem
tummy tubby sincere, possibly
channeled by cyber sea men,
via bayou A true Britt, aye esteem,
sans abba ra ca dab invoked
by the spirit Jim Beam
unwittingly unleashed theme
for this reason
one humble rhyme
stir, Me doth write,
boot promise NOT TO SCREAM
for convenient idea
to expound ream
(room) minute eight ting,
about mine previous poem
"Sleep Inducing Powers...
Computer Screen"
smote an idea,
I could never outdream,
no need to search,
cuz renown unknwn fan gave
rise to his nonmainstream
re: "By the way, Matthew,
"How do you like
your Lenovo computer?"
Perhaps understandably
concluded the whole green
kit and caboodle
tubby a stand alone lean
(and few an proud) machine
sprung from Apple royalty,
(well linkedin to
a stevedore jobber seam
ming lee on same playing
field as a queen
(comprising an A-1
actor/ actress team)
with Ali MacGraw -
his wife number deux
which thread strays
coon sitter ably,
where unsuspecting reader few
ming with for me (easily)
getting off track -
tis only hue
man and hoopfully NOT Jew
van aisle attempting to interweave
more than one
concept (delicately loo
ping sentence strands),
where warp, and
woof no...no...new
NOT for any
largesse, nor moo
hoof fish hints,
but singing Giacomo Antonio
Domenico Michele
Secondo Maria Poo
shin knee (the above
very long name, actually
authentic i.e. "NOT FAKE"
a stand alone queue
oh...whoa yes..yes...
yes please shew
tolerance, how elegiac
these metaphors too
be compared with
operatic flourishes I view
as vital breathtaking woo
wing chords nsync with Lenovo "sue
do" flatscreen (NOT A COMPUTER)
yet expanded field of you
alphanumeric characters
in no way resembles Zulu!
H-E-L-P!!! N-e-e-d s-o-m-e b-o-d-y!!!...
Spouse booby trapped husband!!!
Homicide courtesy munch
house zen by proxy
immediately suspected hunch
police, K9 corps, and ambulance
nearly lost their lunch crossing over divide
yellow crime tape
cordoned off homicide
booted feet did poetically crunch
while leashes untangled,
viz braided bunch.
Law enforcement officers i.e. they
Perkiomen Township precinct tidy
as... executive attache
case headed by narcotics
mod squad trooper Amelie
Beth knew address of scrivener brother
immediately quaffed mouthful Schuylkill
downing requisite with "FAKE" sedative cray
zee that seems giving
judicious punch to allay
time and again marital altercations daresay
put Schwenksville neighborhood
under immediate lockdown
Bay of Pigs in comparison childsplay
summoned rookies re:
instant karma coldplay
witnessed unusual display
officers, paramedics, and trained
German shepherds on faux pas did pray
(canines formerly under religious sway
nsync with neutered saint Matthew Scott
sacred church fathers and mothers
panglossian benevolence ne'er betray
loved spouting doggerel pay
Canis lupus familiaris obeissance
oh... I got scent tum mental anyway
kit and caboodle - women in blue,
plus aforementioned cod ray
regarding medical technicians
braced themselves steely, fiery, burly,...
former career recruits, thus okay
toughened courtesy green beret
fearless motley crew did sashay
gingerly, nimbly, softly... treading listening
faintly hearing sauntered without delay,
whence plaintive bent down on haunches
analogous to plie (plea yea)
including dogs ready to spring,
where overly curious inquisitive nee
bores asked to take selfie oy vey
afterwards quickly made bee line
discerning most strategic way
to enter apartment and rescue
a scene no stranger Giacomo Casanova,
to Rabelais, or Marquis de Sade
chaos theory put thru paces
mind boggling utter disarray
courtesy the missus
floor to ceiling clutter, perhaps soiree
gone awry with personal paraphernalia
strewn helter skelter hodge podge
bajillion potential accidents away
one misstep to temper and disable
garden variety trumpeting popinjay.