Best Jock Poems
Jock always wore a sporran and kilted
Wore a clan tartan hat that looked quilted
But couldn't cope with the stares
And so now trousers he wears
Cos everything below has now wilted...
Word got round the town now everyone knows
Why Jock has taken to wearing strange clothes
He used to flash all his bits
Have the young lassies in fits
But now too embarrassed when the wind blows...
(a sporran is a small leather pouch worn with a kilt that serves as a wallet as kilts don't have pockets)
Written 26 September 2020.
Actually saw my first robin today
Gayly flitting from branch to branch
Please don't tell my super jock friends
They're just waiting for a chance
They'll start calling me “sweetie pie”
And kissing me on the cheek
Ask if they could escort me to the ball
And giving my nose a wee tweak
I'm just as manly as all those guys
With a soft side they don't possess
No excuses for my feminine tendencies
Even comfortable wearing a dress
Okay maybe that's going too far
The wearing of a dress I mean
Really haven't stopped playing with dolls
Now live ones wearing tight jeans
Can't believe this all started with a robin
A harbinger of upcoming spring
As I gayly prance through fields of clover
To a bouquet of roses I cling!
© Jack Ellison 2013
There was once a Scotsman called Jock
Who was always stroking his cock
But when the clock struck ten
He then turned to his hen
The egg basket is now restocked
.
05/07/2014
A bad play
On a deep and dark September
Gazing from these bleachers
To that ref who blew that call
On a freshly painted court in the middle of fall
I am A Jock
I am A Flock
I've got balls
A fortress deep and plenty
That none will discinagrate
For friendship brings me joy
It's laughter from my best friend Roy
I am A Jock
I am A Flock
Don't talk hate
For I've heard much before
It's resting in my head
And I'll try not to wake
So It doesn't make you cry
For if I never would of put on that cup
You've never heard awwwww shut up
I am A Jock
I am A Flock
I have my hooks
And my cup to protect me
I am such a world charmer
Hiding behind an ump
So another won't bump
I touch no one and he better not touch me
I am A Jock
I am A Flock
And a Jock feels no pain
And a flock seems to die
This is off spin
To Simon And Garfunkle's
I am A Rock LOL
Gl All
Each day that I get up and greet the new dawn
Posing at the mirror,first..to see what changes have been going on
My eyes cannot look at what lies before me
55'waist on a 5ft 7 frame
These hands reach into the old treasure chest in the closet
I open it up and there before me is
A Superman comic(circa 1986-A CRISIS ON INFINITE EARTH crossover)
12 vhs tapes of STAR TREK,the original series(courtesy of Paramount Pictures)
An E.T.The ExtraTerrestial costume that mom made for me
and of course,the most treasured possession of all:
A FRUIT-OF-THE-LOOM jockey short that I wore throughout Freshman and
Sophomore year in High School
The DIRTY jokes that my Classmen used to tell
Old and disgusting chewing gum sticking to the toilet bowl with this note:
BERNIE&CHRISTINE,SITTING UP ON THAT TREE..K.I.S.S.I.N.G.
I hold up that smelly jockey garment from long ago to my expanding waist
Now I do know WHEN and WHERE the years did go
too much partying with the cubicle nerds
PAPA GINO'S and A&W root beer just lying around for some aging X'er to take
a bite and a gulp
Every night before I trot off to sleep,the hemorrhoids keep acting up
disturbing the many custard pie remnants that exhale from the behind
Mother told me that too much of that would be Dangerous,sickening,and unkind
I can't help it if I do not want to let go of my young appetite,as yet
Creatures from the old yearbook,Ravishingly young and wile
It brings forth a pleasant memory and before I am off to dreamland
This face offers up,one more juvenile smile,from yesteryear
GOOD NIGHT
There once was a dim witted tight end
For his rump he would make no amends
But into his jock
Well, he stuffed a sock
Why he’d do that I can’t comprehend?
Thrifty Scots made a new High Street
from plastic trash folk used to eat
The USA
Won't pave that way
Trump claims that oil just can't be beat!
When you left, you left a legacy
Everyone knows that Jock is legendary
Wiltshire told you, you were a star
In the news for several weeks
Longing for you, but she’s still strong
Loving you more since you’ve been gone
Memories are all good
In our hearts you’ll remain
Smile that could light up anyone’s day
Sense of humor
Yet you went away
Only hurt could know how we feel
Jock
Outgoing
Courageous
King of the field
I ran the 10K marathon.
At once I knew I’d chosen wrong.
My heart and lungs on fire,
I thought I might expire.
Next time I’ll safely watch from home.
9/03/2020
Hilary Billary Shmock
The lady is purebred shlock
She 'Bill-ked' the Nation
Via Libyan abdication
Hilary Billary Thwock
Her tongue's a nerveless nock
She squawks and squawks
Paranoid deplorables-crock
Hilary Billary Shlock
Give her the old hemlock!
April 15, 2019
A Realistic Hilary Clinton Poem contest
Sponsor: Michael Wegman
There once was a college sports jock,
Whose exterior was as hard as a rock.
But inside beat the heart
Of a connoisseur of fine art,
Whose colors he wore like a peacock.
JOCK AND HIS DOG
Once knew a Scottish dancing geezer
Accidentally locked his dog in the freezer:
Seems the animal had just spilt
Some curds and milk all over his kilt:
Must have soaked right through his sporran.
(The dog of course was foreign .)
No Scots dog would do such a thing
As spill stuff mid a highland fling.
As Jock took stock of his tartan man-frock
The whole episode had been such a shock
The door of the freezer shut itself slam -
The dog was locked in with the ice cream and ham.
Oh but the key couldn’t be found,
Though Jock looked all around on the ground.
Turned out the dog had the key in his teeth -
He’d stolen it from the sporran sheath.
Poor dog got real cold till the police came,
Opened the freezer and on Jock placed blame.
But the dog hadn’t really suffered so cruel;
He’d eaten all the ice cream as fuel.
And the kilt was no worse for wear. . . .
But Jock’s sporran had lost all its hair.
Winter has arrived with a freaking cold blast
Could have been warned it's sure a jolt to our ass
Wearing shorts and a tank top
Woolies and tuques we now swap
The top models for style and eloquence I surpass
its why am in shake
foe heaven sake
to should do too
get a a book get hook
when you'll start
get out and
JOCK
In the name of Prank
What are we doing?
Abusing and humiliating
Flirting and dating
Pushing and pulling
Trolling and mocking
Slapping and thoking
Subscribing and sharing
Spitting and daring
Attacking and throwing
What are we doing?
Where are we going?
I will never fit in. That's one of my best qualities. Terri Willingham.