Best Hemorrhoids Poems
Annotated Achilles amends fallen frame amputees
Bulimic Barbies browse media monkey banalities
Cameo clouds cling to beaded breath curios
Dopamine dreams delineate check cash desires
Echo endophfins eulogize bullet brain excrement
Fecal folly fantasies reveal relevant frivolities
Gonadal grownups gulp secret scrotal generosities
Helical hemorrhoids hinder senior stricken hemocraps
Idiotic ideals idioiosyncrate postpartum iconoclasts
Jack Jill juxtapositories seek sexestential jouveniers
Kryptic killer kisses ascot arrogant kingdumbs
Liquid lipid loiners fear frontline lucklullibies
Malevolent mommies masterbate rich reflective mommocules
Nevertheless nightingales nourish ruby rich noonbeams
Ovulatory occults outsource torrent tofu outrages
Pensive pisces picnics lovelorny passions
***** quiet quintensials release rancid quotients
Rape ripe residuals nullify nimble repercussions
Silky seafoam silhouettes fornicate frothy sandlets
Tepid torch trilogies belie belligerent tourniquets
Useless utterances utilize organize orgasmic utopias
Venomous vixens violate cruel.com visions
White willow wombs softly seed hospice hell winds
XX XY xfactors envision extracurricular xraydoms
Yearning yoyo yesterdays calculate clearcovert yields
Zen zealous zions mirror magnify Zoneotones
Abusive soul who tormented my heart
I didn’t wait for us to drift apart
I found inner strength at last
So don’t look at me aghast
You’re merely a crumb on my heart’s pie chart
A defumigator removed your scent
Into the trash all your hunting boots went
And those ghastly deer “trophies”
Ablaze with your spoiled green cheese
Your firearms too in the bonfire were sent
Valentine, let me give it to you straight
Goodwill came by for the very last crate
Maker’s Mark* for the homeless
Now that’s ironic justice
Hope your new home in the tent is just great
You wrecked my car and destroyed my credit
So you got off easy from where I sit
Not that you had much to lose
Just hair, weight, someone to use
Cupid aims, may your hemorrhoids get hit!
*Maker’s Mark is expensive whiskey
Entry for Sidney~Lee Ann’s valentine to an ex-lover contest
Written January 17, 2012
where frozen embers still burn
my doctor says is a thing you earn
i ask him if it is a large mass
as he quietly looks up my ass
i politely tell him it is on this side not there
he says he is being thorough there a pair
true i guess though i'm sure one hangs lower
much lower than the other up and over
where frozen embers still burn
i thought had cleared up in my youth
i knew i shouldn't have slept with Ruth
i should have done an about turn
everyone warned me about her
in fact that's why i courted her
what they thought i should fear
sounded like music to my ear
i lost the other ear while i was out hunting
there's a frozen ember i still hear ringing
just then i hear the Doc yell with an echo
his face still behind me his mouth down low
its not your balls those are hemorrhoids
boy their big they must be on steroids
be sensitive there sir those are my parts
makes you want to release a couple of farts
where frozen hemorrhoids burn and hang
no woman should yearn to touch or bang
i'll get them removed my dear lassies
don't mind mine and i won't your falsies
if per chance this deep poetry i just penned
has got you hot and thinking of my tight end
where frozen embers still burn my heart is yours
a woman as special as you this old man adores
He bought a product against hemorrhoids at the pharmacy
The word alone can do many people wrinkle their noses
Product information :
"Should be inserted approximately 3 cm up into the rectum
Keep out of reach of children"
(.... 3 cm up in the a#s, children have impossible access)
Suppository should be stored in the refrigerator "
In the fridge ... he became very confused
20/01/2021
Sun :) - A-L Andresen :)
Copyright © All Rights Reserved
Osteoporosis, spinal stenosis
halitosis, that's the grossest
Hemorrhoids, hypo hyper thyroids
gallbladder removal will leave a void
Arthritis, pyelonephritis, gingivitis
we will survive in spite of these
Toe fungus will not be the death of us
its' cure you will ask what was all the fuss
Crooked toes, snotty nose, itchy down below
Pancreatitis, gastroenteritis, myocarditis
cannot frighten us, though impotence might
and possibly to a womans' delight
on not
Torn rotator cuff, oral cancer from rubbing snuff
COPD will make you huff and puff
Diminished brain, malfunctioning drains
generalized aches and pains
of these we are not deprived
BUT, it's still awesome to be alive
While I lie awake at night I am sad and start to cry
I think about the things in life I can't change
While some are frivolous other are the gene pool and we all know it is after all the only
public pool where there is NO life guard on duty
In life we can pick our nose and we can pick our friends but we can't pick our family
With this in mine I will say the family jewels are NOT gems
I was just six when I over heard adult talk about family jewels and I wanted some
After all what little girl wouldn't
I loved to play dress up I had 5 sisters I always wore hand me downs
So be careful what you ask for when I ask my mom what family jewels were
She told me I really didn't want any because they weren't richest
and I wouldn't believe her so I ask god for some
He answered my prayers but he waited until I was older 42 and had a family
of my own a son in high school and a daughter in middle school
He gave me hemorrhoids and they were a pain in the a*s
I had surgery but they came back to torture me
Then came brain cancer I thought it couldn't get any worst but I was wrong
I kept forgetting and getting lost so then everyone stays mad at me
Now I have diabetes it was high and now it drops to low when it was highs I could take a pill but now with it to low I can't do anything accept eat to pick it up
thank you mom and dad and grandpa and grandma for my sugar that can't be
controlled
If anything can be said to life and where we land in it
Thank you GOD for letting me live in Mt Vernon Al.
They closed Sercy Hospital which is a mental hospital and let all the people out
Now I feel right at home in this town
one set of bald tires,
slick as a turtle's head;
the engine won't start,
'cause the battery's dead
sank my last dollar,
on this piece of ol' junk;
all it does is rattle,
"clunkety-clunk!"
a funky shrewd dealer,
wearin' high water pants;
sold me a lemon,
then did a happy lil' dance
mix-matched panels,
from front to side;
where are the seat belts?
it's almost suicide!
too bad i ain't in hades,
'cause i'm havin' a chill;
this clunker dies out,
when i drive up a hill
the seats are worn and tattered,
i'm feelin' paranoid;
every time i hit a bump,
i'm pushin' hemorrhoids!
when i try to do sixty,
i can only reach ten;
i think i need a priest,
this car's a wicked sin!
when it comes to braking,
i'm guaranteed to lose;
it's another day at Pay Less,
to replace my worn out shoes
this car's got more dents,
than an 18th century bed;
when i cruise the neighborhood,
i hide my shallow head!
i pulled up to a corner,
next to a homeless dude;
holding a sign that read,
I'LL GLADLY WORK FOR FOOD
he reached into his pockets,
pulled out a load of change;
"take your car to the vet!" he pled,
"i think it's got the mange!"
such a funky lemon,
for now it'll have to do;
beware of the shady dealer,
he'll sink his fangs in you!
The doctor of reputation agreed to consultation and a physical exam.
He began by saying while I was weighing, “I see you like your ham!”
He checked my reflexes and my solar plexus, everything from bottom to top.
While pulling my ears, and all my running gears, I thought he’d never stop.
He probed for hemorrhoids and body fluid voids as I was busy looking south.
While attending these essentials, I questioned his credentials, when next he checked my mouth!
Looking for a flaw, he said, “Say Ah!” while my mouth was agape.
With his big thumbs, he gouged at my gums. I had no escape.
A fearful moment caught us when my epiglottis gave a waving flip.
When he stopped to linger, I bit down on his finger till he lost his grip.
Regaining his composure, he felt it time for closure as my mouth snapped shut.
Then he explained, telling me straight and plain, while gazing at my gut,
“Son, your longevity is threatened by obesity—we’d better have a chat.”
I said with chagrin, “It’s a good thing I came in. I thought I was just too fat.”
My happiest days were when fully employed
Those were the days that I really enjoyed
Would work all night
Till the morning light
Though I developed a severe case of hemorrhoids
© Jack Ellison 2015
A cowboy's journey west
Traveling wagon train was the best
No Mercedes Benz or jumbo planes
Carved forests, climbed mountains, & plowed the plains
Beans and cornbread soothes hunger pangs
A bonnet or ten gallon hat protects our brains
Sleeping under stars watching asteroids
Resting our butts and healing hemorrhoids
I smell the Pacific from across the valley
And yell in delight, "We're now in Cali!"
For some reason
I really like to drive,
and ever since I was sixteen,
when I get behind the wheel
feel free and alive...
Only once had an accident
when I was seventeen,
pulling out too fast of the driveway,
into my parents car I careened,
thank God it was minor damage
and my Dad was able to pop
the dent out with a hammer,
got a stern look and talking to
but kept me out of the slammer,
Have driven some Dodges and Chevy
cars in the past, but lately drive
a Ford Focus because its
much better on the gas...
Have driven in about all of the
states on the east coast,
and when I go once a year
to visit some family
its destination L.I., New York,
Out west have driven through
Texas, Oklahoma, Arizona
and even California,
reason being my husband
back then went to a school
called UTI in Phoenix, Arizona...
Probably the most traveled
interstate in the east being I-75 and I-24,
which is one of the biggest
trucking routes that I know of by far,
and I truly admire truck drivers
driving their 18 wheelers
up and down the highways and interstates,
they just scare me a bit
when they get too close,
driving as if my car was
truck driver bait...
I even thought once about
becoming a truck driver
but that was a fleeting idea
that lost most of its appeal,
because the more I thought of it
wouldn't really like that career,
especially since they're all
probably pretty heavy from
constantly being behind the wheel,
and when I stop at those truck stops
I can't help but notice,
that the truck drivers not only
buy toothpaste for their teeth,
but also preparation H
for their hemorrhoids...
My son and I just came home
from Chattanooga, Tenn.,
and thank God we both
arrived home safely and in one piece,
because even though I love to drive
can't understand why people
fly by me doing 80 like in an emergency,
unless someone in the car
has to use a restroom or
is about to deliver a baby...
and lately when I drive
around Moccasin Bend
feel a little more on edge
and on the offensive,
because its like driving on the autobahn
or being in the Indy 500!
Remember, don't text and drive because you want to arrive alive…:)
P.S. Happy 60th Birthday Interstate System!
I wanted a buff body, to look good in my "snuggs".
But ignored advice doled out by fitness droids.
Like: never use performance enhancing drugs
or be tempted to use Anabolic Steroids.
After 6 months, I just look like a thug wearing a rug…
…with a Nasty Squint and Diabolic Hemorrhoids
[this poem was first published on my blog - http://wp.me/p2mUkP-eH
with one of my sketch doodles & makes more sense in context of the whole post]
liquid oxygen, nitrogen, napalm
the many methods of modern BBQ
multi-pronged igniters injecting mainline
high pressure laser guided fusion reactors
subatomic quantum mechanical quasar energy
photons vibrating in Orion’s nebula
disintegrating galactic supercharged plasma
ejected from hemorrhoids at warp speed
inner core’s event horizon is compromised
came through the worm hole
didn’t see it coming
Each day that I get up and greet the new dawn
Posing at the mirror,first..to see what changes have been going on
My eyes cannot look at what lies before me
55'waist on a 5ft 7 frame
These hands reach into the old treasure chest in the closet
I open it up and there before me is
A Superman comic(circa 1986-A CRISIS ON INFINITE EARTH crossover)
12 vhs tapes of STAR TREK,the original series(courtesy of Paramount Pictures)
An E.T.The ExtraTerrestial costume that mom made for me
and of course,the most treasured possession of all:
A FRUIT-OF-THE-LOOM jockey short that I wore throughout Freshman and
Sophomore year in High School
The DIRTY jokes that my Classmen used to tell
Old and disgusting chewing gum sticking to the toilet bowl with this note:
BERNIE&CHRISTINE,SITTING UP ON THAT TREE..K.I.S.S.I.N.G.
I hold up that smelly jockey garment from long ago to my expanding waist
Now I do know WHEN and WHERE the years did go
too much partying with the cubicle nerds
PAPA GINO'S and A&W root beer just lying around for some aging X'er to take
a bite and a gulp
Every night before I trot off to sleep,the hemorrhoids keep acting up
disturbing the many custard pie remnants that exhale from the behind
Mother told me that too much of that would be Dangerous,sickening,and unkind
I can't help it if I do not want to let go of my young appetite,as yet
Creatures from the old yearbook,Ravishingly young and wile
It brings forth a pleasant memory and before I am off to dreamland
This face offers up,one more juvenile smile,from yesteryear
GOOD NIGHT
Free verse Rhyme
Let us not make a fuss
About the horror brush
Knowing her, she surely didn’t cuss
Though she was blush
As the lips pucker
We shall know a sucker
O spit it out
Just makes the gums so stout
Pearly white teeth
Still beneath
Give a smile of relief
I see my teeth
Makes me nearly tinkle,
Remembering the tube’s wrinkle
Spit all over the wall
`T is my call
Though I didn’t see it at all
As the anonymous... sucker of pucker, spit on the wall
This is how it was told unto us all
Not toothpaste at all,... but hemorrhoids due call
Headlines do read, Sharks do feed!!
Shark liver oil, causing a recoil
Temporary relief, for hyped up teeth
Petrolatum 71.9 %,.... without even my mind’s consent
I applied the shrink,...to my gums, so pink
The Shire of the hour...... told this story..I am... sure
To keep us all from bore
Stored laughter, shark’s revenge, from shore to shore
Anonymous Gal, please tell me more
11-6-09 [email protected]