Best Eddie Poems
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=T-KFwPNkS6U
Eddie was a braggart,
At least we thought as much.
His lower lip was loaded,
A three finger dip of snuff…
My mind said, “I think not.”
And he claimed to be a rider,
Bragging of his chaps.
Black leather with blue fringes,
Sportin’ bunnies on the sides.
Said he’d show us all someday…
My mind said, “I think not.”
He was bow-legged as he stood,
Like he’d been upon a bronc.
But when the braggart claimed
He could chug a quart o’ beer…
My mind said, “I think not.”
The day came that we saw his prize,
The heralded leather chaps.
He treated them like china
In that tissue paper wrap.
Did that mean he could ride?
My mind said, “I think not.”
Eddie had no money,
So we anteed up his mount.
And when they called his number,
He strapped on spurs and chaps.
Then, loaded up another
Three finger dip of snuff.
Is this how cowboys do it?
My mind said, “I think not.”
He climbed the fence and lowered himself
Aboard a mad black mare,
Screwed his left hand in the riggin’
Threw his right hand in the air,
And said but one word softly,
“Outside!"
I’m glad that I was there.
That mare pitched to and fro.
He spurred her when she grounded,
Then with all four in the air.
And when the buzzer sounded,
He threw his right boot over
Landing both boots on the ground.
Is this how cowboys do it?
The other boys had not!
He folded up his chaps
Before he took a step,
And walking to the announcer’s stand
“Where’s my cash?” He quipped.
That night in celebration,
Eddie chugged a quart o’ beer
With three finger dip in place!
I'm proud that I was there.
If that’s how cowboys do it,
Then I’ve met one,
Face to face!
David and Ricky were cute, at best
Bud Anderson was a clueless pest
But that enduring, fun rascal
our dear Eddie Haskell
provided a refreshing, honest zest!
On A Lim Contest
Sponsor: Joseph May
from the TV show "Leave It To Beaver"
The poet of love
Do not stare into his eyes
Brown hypnotizing
Anti-Poem – “At The Hollywood Plaza With Eddie And Dolores”
(Poet’s Instruction – Kindly play “You Can’t Be True, Dear,” by Ken Griffin, 1946, while reading).
she be smelling mighty good my dolores
she be my mexican chick from silver lake
man her deep brown eyes hypnotize me
her momma say she like me and my ford
I be driving a red ’46 super deluxe coupe
my catholic beads be hanging down from
the rearview mirror they tap like dancers
tonight she be dressed for eating burgers
my dolores she and her tight green dress
we be cruising the miracle mile for shows
when she say she want to see cary grant
i say you mad girl but let’s go to the plaza
in hollywood we can sit close in the lobby
we can listen to the organ music and kiss
maybe we see cary grant walking by there
maybe your big dream come true tonight
now we be kissing under fiery chandeliers
the flashy famous people be passing us by
the organ whining from a distant corridor
howling like a ghost in a greasy graveyard
my sweet dolores she be asking the time
when a pretty woman she sits down by us
i’m thinking she be a star at last i say hello
the blue-eyed babe she smile back at me
a red flower be pinned to her brown curls
here on a date she say to us smoking now
my babe say we be waiting for cary grant
now the girl say we might wait a long time
she say she saw him once at the florentine
she say he even tipped her a five dollar bill
man her deep blue sky eyes hypnotize me
now she say her date is outside in a sedan
be careful she say hollywood can be cruel
the organ music still be playing in whispers
moaning like pale ghost girls in a neon fog
EDDIE MARS AND THE SOLAR WINDS
The biggest band in Lisburn and fronted by Eddie Mars
A guy who could play anything, on his collection of guitars
On vocals, Charlie Venus, who was the joker in the pack
He played his fender tele' through a great big marshall stack
On bass was Johnny Neptune, with his yellow platform shoes
He harmonized on vocal, a disciple of the blues
The keyboards were delivered, by Hector Mothership
He worshipped things electrical, and loved the microchip
Ray Uranus kept the beat and he wore a bowler hat
Sure only a crazy drummer, would adopt a name like that
They played all over Britain, with their rockin lunar style
They sold out gigs in Wigan, they were lauded in Millisle
Their stage show was fantastic, with a massive lighting rig
A spaceship and some planets, lit the stage at every gig
That grew a loyal fan base, as they played across the land
They lived a life of excess, just like any touring band
Success soon followed in their wake, awards came thick and fast
And very soon the space machine, had an ever growing cast
Five young lads from Lisburn, fifty people in their crew
An entourage of strangers that they never even knew
Five big trucks, a fleet of cars, a chopper and two planes
A man to do the finance, who didn't even know their names,
Still, fashions change, the sales dried up, the audience died away
And soon there were no big crowds, to watch the five lads play
Their last gig at the Ulster hall, was an evening to forget
Out of tune, and full of beer, as they stumbled through the set
And things got pretty messy when accountants came to call
They had no cash, they had no rights, seems their manager had it all
Their luck ran out, the band where broke, they had to end the show
They had to sell up everything, the spaceship had to go
Ray could never come to terms, with all the hurt and pain
He took some drugs and alcohol, he just never woke again
Hector went to college and he earned a top degree
And now he is the I.T guy in a light bulb factory
Johnny is the local star, who likes to talk about his fame
He tries to pull the young girls, and dine out on his name
Charlie lost his family, when the alcohol took hold
He shelters in the hostels when the weather gets too cold
Eddie left the country, when it all became too much
He now lives in Australia, but he never kept in touch
To some he was a punk,
to others quite a mystery.
A jailbird and a drunk?
A fan of film and fistery?
But now that he’s defunct,
finally, Bunk is history.
FAST EDDIE SPEAKS OUT IN THE RABBIT CAGE
Say, pass me that half-carrot, Guido, before I fall asleep with boredom.
Those lettuce leaves are tasty but, oh boy,
It would take a thousand to fill me, Guido my man.
OK, ears down, boys : here’s that dog again -
Don’t move or he’ll stay all morning.
Give him the old glassy-eyed stupid stare.
Hold still, hold the line, stay with me, stay with me ,
If we hold together we have a chance of survival. . . . . .
Aw, Eddie, you’ve been watchin’ too many re-runs of “Gladiator”
You’re startin’ to sound like Russell Crowe, ha ha ha. . . . . . . . .
Good, that four-legged urine-sniffer has gone after the cat.
Wow! Look at the fur-shine on that new doe.
Man, she gets my whiskers twitching all right.
Listen, Fast Eddie, you can look at the goods but don’t touch.
She’s new in the hutch and Minnesota Fats has his eye on her.
He’s one big buck to handle.
Yeah, well I ain’t scared, I coulda been a contender. . . . .
Eddie, you gotta stop watchin’ those movie re-runs.
That doe? Remember how old Black Legs and Pretty Boy with the grey eyes
Ended up as pies and sausage after “accidentally” falling into
The hot soup pan when Minnesota was nearby,
And that was just because they laughed at his nose-twitch.
Listen Guido, I can take him I tell ya, and then I’ll be the man,
Then all the dough will belong to this big buck. . . . .
Don’t you get it, Guido, “dough” and “doe”. . . . ?
Fast Eddie, the only “Doh” I’m gonna hear is the Homer “Doh”
Cos here comes Minnesota now. Quick, offer him your carrot.
Mornin’ Fat Man, wanna chew my carrot? Go ahead, make my day, ha ha
Man your fur sure is shiny, Minnesota, wish I could get mine like that.
. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Written for Miranda Lambert's Contest BEHIND BARS BLUES
My fingertips are black now
From the picture in the obituary
It brings me back
To the day before thanksgiving
And I'm sorry that I wasn't there at the end
My cowardice runs deep enough
To hit my bones
This town isn't big enough
To hold all of my ghosts
So lets spend tonight
Singing along to warped 45's
My sins would kill you
If you were still alive
I used to have these secrets
They ate me up inside
Now we're out in the open
A pale fires replaced my bright eyes
And I'm sorry that I wasn't there at the end
It all ends in tears anyway
Fast Eddie Felson was a whiz in a pool game.
Eddie met a professional with fortune and fame.
The best in the business, Minnesota Fats was his name.
In a marathon session, Fats and Eddie took a stand.
Eddie had taken the fat man for eighteen grand.
But soon, that money would slip out of his hand.
Felson didn't want to stop playing pool.
Booze got the best of him, and he looked like a fool.
Tired and buzzed, Eddie appeared to choke.
Before he knew it, Felson was flat broke.
There's a bit more to this movie.
Just get the film, and have a look-see.
Based on the 1961 film "The Hustler"
I once knew a man named Ed
whose feet weren’t as big as his head
his bravado, of course
was larger than a horse
and no one cared what he said
Hey I just love the countryside
it's so peaceful and full of calm
even when I don't meet a single soul
but come across a working farm
One time with the sun so bright
sweat was so prominent on my face
but the warmth was worth it all
a great start to the day in my place
Usually, I like being just on my own
but this day I met Edith on route
we got chatting about country life
finding both loved to be on foot
So Eddie(me) and Edith loved being together
especially walking seeing lovely scenes
romantic thoughts enter their hearts
a future together makes them keen
So both continue to love a stroll
hand in hand along step by step
being thankful for where they met
finding love within their lover's net!
King Edward The VIIIth, pitiable blighter, abdicated the throne.
He had the hots for an American divorcee - this the Brits would not condone!
He was King for a spell and the paramours continued their torrid romance.
They later wed, he was busted to Duke of Windsor and they settled in France.
Wallis Simpson was middle-class but knew how to climb the social rungs.
She was twice divorced which triggered a legion of wagging tongues.
They met at Lady Furness's digs and Wallie thought Eddie not all that sexy,
But they wed incurring upon The Archbishop of Canterbury a case of apoplexy!
Entry for Carolyn Devonshire's "Clerihew Couples For Valentines Day" Contest
(10 January 2019)
Wallace “Wally” Cleaver
handsome, well-liked high achiever,
befriended Eddie, so unlike him.
Golly!* Wally wasn’t given to whim!
Eddie Haskell
was a neat, slick, conniving rascal.
With his flattery and pseudo-smiles,
he spiced up the show with his wiles.
Leave It to Beaver
*Wally and other characters use expressions like “Gee whiz,” “Gosh,” and “Golly.”
September 29, 2021
entered in the Clerihew 2 Contest Placed 1st
Sponsor: Joseph May
Say, dig what I say
Talkin’ bout a new jazz vibe/
Man, move over/
the Jazz Cookers are hittin’ their stride in the groove to stay alive/
Eddie Henderson/
Cecil McBee/
George Cables,Billy Hart
and Billy Harper/
swingin’ harder jazz be flying/
downbeat, upbeat, man, count It off/
their soul auras are in the jazz notes they play/
David Weiss and Donald Harrison are fryin’ their amps/
burnin’ the house down/
with the jazz club scene in decline/
and record labels cuttin’ back on jazz/
the jazz Cookers have to stay alive and relevant in a jazz-changing world/
so dig, be cool struttin’ as Sonny Clark would say/
you might not always get a payday but you love to play/
the Cookers boss horns are on fire/
hip tones blowin' from the stage/bro, this is the jazz life you chose and after a gig, you might be all alone/
so be in the moment and improvise on your jazz note phrasing/
you’ll find the rhythm and meaning knowing you can play the same note gig after gig night after night/
but different every time/
are you hip to the Cookers?/
they will have you finger poppin’ and blowin' your mind/
wahoo that’s a whole lotta jazz
Ah, So, said the monkey,
as he scurried up the tree.
You'll give me two,
I return you three?
Yes said the snake,
as he slithered right beside.
I promise, and swear:
By the legs that I hide.
The monkey was shrewd;
he really thought he knew!
A snake has no legs,
I'll take him for a few.
So he scooped up the bucks,
and went upon his way.
Laughing, and joking,
As he spent and spent all day.
Up popped the snake,
a smirk upon his face.
Its time to repay,
I'll have a little taste,
I'll bake you and stew you,
I like my monkey pie
So give me my money
for I never, never lie!
The monkey just chuckled,
swinging way up high.
Laughing, and heckling;
You never tell no lies?
Where are those legs,
the ones you say you hide?
I'll not repay you,
I took you for a ride!
Not a cent will you get,
this I guarantee,
Said the monkey to the snake,
as he swung from tree to tree.
The snake waited patiently,
curled upon the ground.
As the gleeful monkey,
jumped and flew around.
Then the cagey monkey,
in his jesting haste,
grabbed a broken branch, and,
to the ground he raced...
Ah, so! said the rabbit,
as he hopped a round the tree,
You'll give me two,
if I return you three?
Yes said the snake,
as he picked his gleaming teeth,
I promise and swear
by my little, hidden feet!
The rabbit was shrewd,
he thought he really knew.
A snake has no feet,
I'll take him for a few...