Best Bidet Poems
There’s a thing called Corona that’s going around,
and the yakety-yak of it’s bringing folks down,
for it’s not like some circus that’s coming to town!
If you turn on your telly, you’ll probably hear
lots of news shows predicting this virus is near,
and the airports stand empty from everyone’s fear.
Just a week ago one of my friends only paid
twenty dollars for a standard flight that he made.
I say THAT’S taking lemons to make lemonade!
I'd say hop on a plane for perhaps a low fee;
now however, that's nixed by new rules that I see.
Just take walks with your dog or stay in for your safety
Perhaps you'll go out. Put a mask on your face!
and a handiwipe's great so that you can erase
pesky germs that are lurking in every space.
While your neighbors are running like crazy to buy
extra paper for wiping their precious behinds,
go to Amazon. There a bidet you can find!
Everything is now closed. If it's not far away,
pay a visit to Mom (if allowed). and l say
try to think of your lockdown as some fun "stay-cay!"
Whatever you do, please stop buying Purell.
Leave that stuff for the folks who are truly unwell,
and please leave on the shelves toilet paper for sale!
Yes, a person could die, but folks die from the flu!
Just eat healthy, be cautious; that’s all you can do.
It is not the Black Plague that is coming for you!
Odds of dying from it - I believe - aren't THAT bad.
Many many events are now cancelled; it’s sad.
But have faith it will pass, like the Saggy Pants fad!
March 13, 2020
For Nina Parmenter's A Rattling Rhyme 2 Poetry Contest
Re-entering contest because in light of new information I have learned since writing this poem, I felt the need to make major changes to some of my lines.
But for that crazy, ill-conceived bidet,
I'd say using a loo is serious business.
Darn it, think of a sudden April shower
Encroaching upon your pretty posterior,
Tickling it, the nearest thing to heaven!
Bunnies Bidet
Believe me or not when I say,
my bunny has had a rough day-
He pooped on his blankie,
now his cage smells rankie,
now bunny sleeps on my bidet!
Syllable Count: 8-8-6-6-8
howmanysyllables.com
October 13, 2016
“The Legendary Adventure Moments of Doctor Hermione Baggins the Reddish of Winterhold, The Master Sith Rainbow Lord Lulu Pucca, Cloud Kitty Carla Chandra the Ruby Rose, and Rand O'From Equestria the Darken Raw Snow vs The Strange A.A. or Perhaps B.S. Educated Scotties Homer Pilgrim’s Search for More Resources by Destroying the Galaxy to Make Way for a Interstellar Lightspeed Railway or Was It a Fishing Pond?”
Apathetic the game will continue on anyway
“Bidet,” a person points, "first door on the right in the hallway"
Celtic orchestrated melody commences to play
Drastic the GM in a serious voice proceeds to convey
“Exotic treasures will be rewarded at the story's endplay
Frederick and Scotty have threatened to destroy the floodway
Galactic dragons will soon have control of the realms gateway
Heretic man wearing the scarlet hand is on the highway
Icteric smiles seeing the party ‘do you have an issue?’”
“Judgematic paladin, what course of action will you do?”
“Kinesthetic, I'll flash step next to him and use my kung fu”
Laconic, looking over at the monk, “not your turn Lulu”
"Majestic I promenade over and address this mildew"
Novelistic I say, ‘the dragons, and mage, I must melee’”
“Optimistic the NPC rolls a 16 and tries to outplay
Panic soon kicks in as the druid and monk cross the pathway”
Quadraphonic sounds play as the initiative ensues
"Rollick, the monk and I go over, but I just rolled a two”
“Slapstick the heretic encounters the paladin’s swordplay
Tragic it's late and we must stop the story right here today
Unpoetic I know but we'll pick up again next Wednesday"
Updated 5/14/2019
"Believe me or not when I say
my Pappy has had a rough day-
Diaper soaking wet,
how could he forget!
I had to change it right away.
So I dragged him in the bidet
speechless I didn’t know what to say-
"Oh, Pappy don’t fret,"
had a cigarette,
burned his depends just yesterday!
***True story about my friends Pappy (grandpa)- he just couldn't break that darn smoking habit!***
Syllable count 8-8-5-5-8
January 26, 2017
Little Ms. Mommy broke her tuffet. You know, that white porcelain thingy.
She sat down too hard and you can believe, that it broke every seam, completely.
Now snickers started about and around the house, but that’s OK… you see.
It had a crack she did claim, or so she exclaimed, or maybe two more or three.
But then again, the rumors traveled around, originating from the hardware store.
Then someone keeled over, he laughed so hard, and brought it to the news at four.
It’s one of those days, Ms. Mommy said, as she got her 15 minutes of fame.
But that’s OK; she was presented with a free, and ultra modern bidet, to claim.
Now this one will last forever and a day, since the buttons confuse her, so much.
And water can be a frightening thing, when you don’t expect it jetting, as such.
Now it became an amazing thing, as she built a private and heated, outhouse.
Anything, to get away, from the annoying thing, devouring her mind and house.
She’d never admit, how distraught she is, for fear, all the more, they would laugh.
The irony is, she’s happy again, as she blazes a path to her own little illustrious...
Outhouse….
Since toilet tissue is so hard to find
He bought a bidet to cleanse his behind
With the very first flush
Cletus scalded his tush
To use again he was not too inclined
It wasn't all that long ago when a hole in the ground was where people would go.
Many grew sick from lack of hygiene so some one invented the pit latrine.
This greatly prevented the spread of disease. People squatted over a slab
and bent at the knees.
The first flushable was used by British royalty, a toilet that the commoner
would never see.
Chamber pots and out houses were used by many.
They composted the waste and saved a lot of pennies.
Years later dry toilets were used in most homes.
They had a wooden seat as their throne.
Some time during the twentieth century flushable toilets were
in every home you would see.
Tout allure and hello to a cleaner way.
A clever French man invented the bidet.
Is this too much information? Don't go yet.
The end of my evolution of the toilet.
The Hotel brochure came by post
and told me all that I should know.
With not much time to make a choice,
I booked my Room and set to go.
The pictures showed a sunken bath,
with fluffy towels and marble loo;
a typhoon shower, terrazzo tiles,
it even had a bidet, too!
They asked me, did I want to have
a whopping king-sized double bed,
indeed, perhaps, I’d much prefer
a boudoir – for the newlywed?
I gazed upon a sandy beach,
with swaying palms, a lavish view,
and, just nearby, the swimming pool
looked crystal clear and sparkling blue.
So, here I am and weary from
a long and somewhat tiresome flight,
to find my Room is rather small
and looks onto a building site!
~
For Black Eyed Susan's Competition.
Travel Bidet
Do you miss your bidet
When you are away
Have I got a treat for you
It is now travel sise
For those bidet wise
Who crave it for part of their loo
It’s a great gift to get
For the squeaky-clean set
And while I’m not the kind who would choose it
You might feel timid at first
But with your first squirts
You’ll find you gush every time that you use it
Uncle Mike might be teasing
But if you find it pleasing
Please don’t you share T.M.I.
The things that you do
In your own private loo
Are not things you share with a guy
Bobby believed in love at first sight,
he wanted to get everything right-
Asked Laurie on a date-
but he showed up too late,
he hurried home and started to write.
Tried to find a way to say sorry,
put him in a difficult query-
Writing sure wasn’t his style,
so after a long while,
he knew how he could win back Laurie.
Asked her to come over for dinner,
thought, “man I could sure be a winner!”
She walked in overweight,
in profile pic looked great,
he said, “online you sure looked thinner!”
She kicked him where the sun never shined,
then said, “do you have any more wine?”
She ate all the dessert,
then she started to flirt,
ran to the bathroom and took her time.
“You’re sure crazy to think you could stay!
So what do you think you would convey?
My nuts are all shrunken,
you’re a crazy drunken,
and you even broke my darn bidet!”
Date Written: September 13, 2016
Bet You Did Not Know
Several mammalian species
When dropping their mammalian feces
Just before the big push
Will align their tush
Or so says this researches thesis
He watched 70 dogs of 30 plus breeds
Out in the woods completing their deeds
For each doggy sample
Through the woods did he trample
Until at last he did concede
At each defecation
And each urination
The researched noted the stance
And how each dog aligned
With his magnetic sign
And decided it was much more than chance
It seemed dogs did prefer to align their fur
Along the axis north to south
If the axis was stable
They always were able
To point to due north with their mouth
Just what did this gain us?
Just what did we learn?
When doggies took dumps, which way they did turn?
No we learned that in nature the magnetic field
Did something to some that to date was concealed
Maybe we’ve magnets buried deep in our brain
That someday, somehow we could possibly train
To give us directions when we’re lost or confused
I know that is something that I could sure use
And maybe this proves what they say with feng suhi
When designing our bathrooms, toilets and bidet
Our bowels will feel better, our bladders rejoice
If we let mother nature express her own voice
Uncle Mike
Summit Times Ja Just Gotta Walk Away...
Excusing yourself as if...
going to the bidet,
an immense water closet
(perhaps the size of
Mar A Lago type getup),
sans human waste
(after flushing)
empties into prez Donald's bay,
where one bum wrapped aforementioned
toilet finely (and finally) enthrones
derriere exquisitely, and, delicately
intricately, chiseled wrought with cloisonne
ah...enjoying simple pleasure ass I say
sipping one after another Red Bull, whence
with one final trumpet of the rump -
(as acknowledgment to angry 1%),
though quite reluctantly did pay -
hitting the custom built in combination
handsome replica Taj Mahal fountainhead golf
course made from clay
baked Adobe bathroom links
(whew...long Atlas) shrugging off
responsibilities, escorted
by migrant compadre
Russian Putin lookalike uncannily
also resembles plucked Kernel Sanders
advocating consuming buttered Thomas
English muffins with oreos can delay,
tending to government, who successfully
playfully, melodiously preaches, sermonizes
and absolute zero values benefits burning
off calories, where couples sashay,
asper square and/or contra dancing,
where the caller hollers hip hip hooray
barely audible above
noisy fracas and fray
of crowded house,
avast throng of village people stomp
louder than a quiet
riot global military foray
anathema to dogma,
karma, persona... of
Jacques Cousteau, or like
minded millennials and/or gray
bearded whelk homed by elasmobranchii.
Cinq à Sept
En Pigalle, Mme. Paradigm
Claims lust is a blessing sublime
To have it your way
Squat on her bidet
And get home to your spouse on time!
Les Gendarmes say, "'Tis a crime
For Madame is well passed her prime,"
To spend one's treasure
On one moment's pleasure
Defies all reason and rhyme!
n.b. RUE Pigalle!
The teacher sat at her desk so straight
And called the roll as each student would wait
The lesson of the day was the plague of 2020
A history where there were facts a plenty
It started in Wuhan China with a whimper
Covid 19 they called it while it stewed and simmered
They closed down everything then
Travelling was stopped and you had to stay in
There were buildings called Malls for shopping
Before online buying was the thing
And places called restaurants were where people ate
Hard to think now drones deliver food while you wait
People walked around without their plastic bubble
And oxygen masks were seen as too much trouble
As they ventured unprotected into the world
Shaking hands and kissing each other customs well held
Trips were made overseas for holidays
And jobs were possessions you went to everyday
Supermarkets had food for everyone
Where people took their cart to collect items displayed each one
It’s hard to think of toilets without a bidet
People used paper to wipe themselves in their way
The Great Buy Out of toilet paper occurred
So bidets for everyone was the Government word
Each of the students sat and watched them
The video files of the plague from beginning to end
They were each seated in front of their video wall
In their homes alone connected by the net for all.
© Paul Warren Poetry