Grateful for Lessons Learned as a Blended Family at Christmas

We are home from the Christmas holiday -- grateful to have gone and grateful to return.  This blog seems difficult.  My emotions remain jumbled.  We are a blended family and I was unaware that my ex would be attending festivities at my son's home until a few days beforehand.  I went determined to make the best of it and for the most part I did.  But there were times when I fell into an outmoded victim stance. There were other times when I gathered my courage and faced the moment courageously (though not as many as I'd like).

Christmas eve was lovely.  We went to church as a blended group of 12 and I encouraged my oldest daughter to take the place between her dad and myself so that he and his wife would not be alone in a pew.  Need I explain that it felt a little strange?   My granddaughter (age 12) is in the church's confirmation class and was the designated alcolyte for the 7:30 pm service. She looked so lovely dressed in her white robes. Smilingly she nodded, Yes, when I asked permission to take her picture which I shared with all.  Returning home, we enjoyed dessert and conversation..  The 10 year old wrote a letter to Santa and put out a plate of cookies.  I felt enriched by this simple tradition... His mom kept the note as there may not be many more years in which fantasy spreads its pixie dust over the Christmas gift-giving tradition.

Christmas morning was everything one associates with the joy of seeing Santa's presents under the tree. Gratefully it was a private time with my husband, children and grandchildren.  There were popping guns for the boys and clothes for the preteen. Soon I'll be sharing a pic of everyone in the Cubs shirts gifted by my daughter.   A highlight was my experience gift to the Nutcracker Suite with the family.  Although it didn't materialize as planned, the performance was lovely.  However, the Grandmom frame waits to be filled and the dinner originallly scheduled for after the performance must be enjoyed later.

So why do I feel like I have been run over by a bulldozer?  I think my husband put his finger on it.  Although everyone did their best to be fair and generous, you can"t recreate a family that no longer exists..  Some hurts are too deep -- as when my ex blithely talked about my middle child's dog being killedt in front of his house.  He had convinced her to bring our golden retriever and live with him during high school. This was the darkest period of my life - darker even than the actual divorce.

Yet this holiday was not without its lessons.  I had insights into my son's continuing need for a father and how great his loss was...  I am very aware that no matter how good a mother I am - I never could, and cannot now, fultill both parental roles.  My oldest child has recently resolved some of her anger towards her dad and is closer to him.  She is happier in general.  For this, I am very grateful despite its meaning that our relationship is evolving and not as intense.  My middle child still suffers a great deal of emotional and physical distress.  I'm inclined to trace much of it to the environment in which she lived with her dad during her formative years.  We humans are very complex beings, containing much light and shadow.  It's the composition of light and shadow that makes us who we are.