Short Scotsman Poems

There once was a Scotsman from Perth
who loved red haired women with girth
his head he would place
in breastly embrace
and blow bubbles for all he was worth!




*for Jamie...

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There was once a Scotsman called Jock
Who was always stroking his cock
But when the clock struck ten
He then turned to his hen
The egg basket is now restocked





.
05/07/2014...

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The old Scotsman burred loud on the dock:
" Bring along more than tackle and block!
  For if yah cast out yer net,
  yah might live to regret
  bringing ole Nessie up out of the Loch!"...

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A Scotsman who searched for a wife
was tired of his solitary life;
he dated a few,
before people knew
he rogered the cattle in Fife...

for Charles' contest

apologies to any Scotsmen!...

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There once was a Scotsman called Ned,
Who spent all his time in his bed.
He broke yet another spring,
As he danced the Highland Fling.
‘They make beds so fragile,’ he said.

For Francine's Wow me in Five Lines....

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The Flying Scotsman went from London to Edinburgh, keen, 
And to remind us of security and nature it was painted green, 
I knew, had dinner with one of its drivers
Who said it was one of his best endeavours, 
‘Cos he always knew where he was going and where he’d been....

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Here lies my old pal Michael,
His spirit set free by wind,
because the storm which kicked his bucket,
trapped the poor old git within,
A Scotsman by his name,
and a carpenter by trade,
should of built yourself s door mate,
to stop the barn which caved you in.

I love you Bic....

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On July the seventh in 1307
Edward the First went to Heaven,
Unless,,of course, as a Scotsman might tell,
Edward the First went straight to Hell.
O what joy if all of us knew
how to decide what's false and what's true.
Take my advice, and be pragmatic
and avoid, if you can, being dogmatic...

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A Scotsman whose mum called him, "Mary"
Was sent to a doctor in Derry
Before his eyes
He was circumcised
(Its a wrong way to tip her fairy)!

                 * * * * 
A lady described as "well-built"
had wondered, "What's under yon kilt?"
She lifted the plaid
And was ever so sad
To discover a Scotsman called "Wilt"!...

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There was a young Scots lass named Lilt
Who wondered, “What’s under Mac’s kilt?”
She asked him politely,
He answered contritely,
“It used to be braw but it’s wilt”.

There was a young Scotsman named Vin,
A wench tossed a coin with a grin.
He hoisted his kilt,
Said,  "Keep yer wee gilt -
I forgaw ma knickers agin!"

March 8, 2021...

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A Scotsman bought a kilt to swing.
So he could do The Highland Fling.

He grabbed my hand and pulled me out.
Then everyone began to shout.

Watch out Jean, it has been seen.
A gust of wind revealed the thing.

What could it be that Scotsman's got
'neath his skirt that caused such shock?

Calm down all, it's just a leg.
He was born that way, with an extra peg....

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With a snakelike hiss, the train doors close
the engine rocks and rumbles on clicking
over welded metal couplings: iced, glazed, froze,
the steam heat in clouds arose, rail licking.
On velvet we sit, lace behind our heads,
stewards bring tea for the clock is ticking. 
High tea at five, we're fed like thoroughbreds
for dinners late (at eight) in formal dress.
A honeymoon for two not quite purebreds.



1/24/15...

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What does a Scotsman wear under his kilt?
Is it Fruit of the Loom?
Is it nuthin'?
When it's cold does he cover himself with a quilt?
How much good Gaelic blood has been spilt
'cause he buried his Wee Willie up to the hilt
In a fair colleen's warm married muffin?


Author's note: Dear reader, after reading Linda Alice Fowler's delightful limerick "Kilt Atilt", I felt inspired to go into my archives and dig up this old chestnut....

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I say I say I say
Said the horse with the long face
The Englishman, Irishman and Scotsman looked on.
Knock knock said the dwarf 
In a jovial tone
Put his fez on
And then he was gone.
What's black,white and red? the nun said
As a trumpet grew in her yard
She rooted it oot without a sound
And didn't let down her guard.

If a picture paints a thousand words
Then Dali said it well
The world is other than it seems
Let's leave at the last bell....

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An Englishman 
A Scotsman 
And an Irishman 
Go into a Bar

Great

Nice to see them getting along and having a drink

A Jew
And a Muslim
And a Catholic 
Go into a Café 

Fantastic

Nice to see them eating together 

An American 
And a Mexican
Meet to discuss building a wall

Over the border

A RussIan 
And a Syrian
Meet for Coffee

And all hell breaks loose

Something's change 
Something's don't 
Depends on the people at the meeting...

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One time on an Amsterdam trip
We decided to watch ladies strip
Some were pinky and peached
But this Scotsman couldn't reach
Oh my, I must be losing my grip

So I sat back and watched it all
Their clothes shed as my eyes befall
Undulations of delight
On this Amsterdam night
This Highlander left in thrall

To Scotland we head back the next day
Ogled eyes have now had their say
Many memories so pert
But boy were we alert
The credit card we now have to pay...

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