This love of hatred penetrates my numbness and breathes life
My pain consumes my source—always full with strife.
Overwhelmed I run blindly toward a distant ending
Begging silently for a willing warrior my soul defending.
Oh, to overcome this darkness with me as the only light
Suffering and ashamed I urge on with this fight.
Fear wrenches my head and speaks loudly to my deaf ear
Its sound pierces and eagerly takes what I hold dear.
Scars unseen and so deep no one sees
I smile through the pain with no comfort to ease
My blamelessness ripped away by hands that I love
Shattered pieces!--I struggle, my head barely above.
My battle unquiet ting fake peace that I’ve found
Learning to rise above but come crashing back down.
Guiltily I look now and see you committed this crime
But for my whole life—YOUR sin, but I do the time.
Now I learn again to see
How to act, behave and be
No longer absent minded, clueless
And feel no longer eyeless or disconnected.
Although the pain I’ve caused is great
I feel a change is more sense in need
Begin the lift of barriers proceeds.
The sense of unrest prolongs
With gates of hell I’ll belong
This road, my life feels grossly shortened.
But how I long to feel
All this pain and unrest be illusion
Every forthcoming result in conclusion
Frees the guilt and shameful wrongs
And beginnings of myself be strong
For I am in need of redemption
End resulting be contention
Within myself, I’ll see the change
From detoxifying burning rage
My body, my mind, my soul
Again will become more whole.
By myself in a room as cold as a prison cell
Where has my baby gone? There's no way to tell
Lost full of shame, violence, and pride
But no one sees our worlds collide
Too much sin to finally escape
To save mine and ours ~ for our God's sake
Lined in a row bit by bit this world falls
For he's lost in my mind ~ not hearing his calls
Frantically jumping dodging for my life
Blood pumping thick ~ uncontrolled fright
Locked away and lost in my own despairs
Because lately I've been feeling no one really cares
So drowning in my sorrow frost over my heart
Dying quickly inside because we're apart
Silently crying salty tears of this life
Can't get over all the past pain and strife
Confused running blankly in circles of rage
Wondering why no one can relate on the same page
Scared inside for starting a life of my own
Drowning myself in words and poetry ~ working like a drone
Still very old pain creeps up and it haunts
Typing my life in Literature ~ thousands of fonts
Black and Blue, red, green and pink
Re~capturing my pieces that were sailed set to sink
But I didn't let him hurt me anymore when I won
I got tired of looking down the homemade barrel of that gun
My Parent
The rules said “one parent not two”
Good for me as I only had you
No selection; no one to choose
Who is this parent; just follow the clues
Next rule; write something “profound”
Something good or something that makes you frown
This one was easy
Considering all you ever said was greasy
“You stupid _____”
This one was rich
“Go get the belt”
Not satisfied till there was a welt
The pain is still felt
How about “you swine”
Became a preference in time
Not “go to bed”
Followed by a blow to the head
So hard could have become brain dead
Your scars are still here
Your pain I still wear
Your mistakes I still bare
Your voice I still hear
Your secrets I now declare
Your presence I no longer fear
Your wrong doings I am aware
Your hate is replaced with tender loving care
Did you follow the clues
Who's this in reference to
Someone you want to be related to
Perhaps it’s someone you already do
This is my parent… I wish it were untrue!
Lay
**For "My Parent" contest sponsored by Francine Roberts.
* Honorable Mention
The Bottle
He walked down and empty alley, with a bottle in his hand
His face was old and rugged
From the rough life that he had lived
The bottle lead him to this point and brought him to his knees
But he always had the simple choice to let go, to be set free
He was a friend like a brother and we hung around the bars
I'd drink a few but his was more
And I saw he could not stop
It got to the point where all the fun was drained from my good friend
I chose another path and sobered up and walked away from him
And he never took the option
To walk the straight and narrow road
The whiskey bottle held him tight never to let go
The pain got into his soul, it's sting he could not bare
He took a big slug off the bottle and put the gun to his head
Because he never took the option
To walk the straight and narrow road
For the whiskey bottle held him never to let go
Now the bottle does not hold him and the pain he no longer feels
That rot gut whiskey bottle has finally set him free
David Gary Pennington
THE WAY THAT I FEEL, NO WORDS CAN EXPLAIN.PLUS THE PAIN THAT I FEEL I CAN HARDLY
MAINTAIN BECAUSE IT'S DRIVING ME INSANE.THE OTHER WAYS THAT I FEEL,SOME-TIME
AS IF I WANNA DIE.OR MAYBE RUN AWAY,AND DON'T EVEN ASK ME WHY BECAUSE I'M
STILL SEARCHING FOR ALL THE OTHER REASONS WHY.WHY DO I FEEL THIS WAY? I
REALLY WISH THAT I KNEW,SO HEAVENLY FATHER I REACH OUT ALL MY UNSOLVED
PROBLEMS TO YOU.I WISH I KNEW THE REASONS WHY,BUT THE ONLY OTHER
OPTIONS I HAVE IS TO BE CEASELESS WITH MY TEARS AS I SIT DOWN AND
CRY JUST LIKE I'VE DONE FOR 15 IN A HALF YEARS.IF NOBODY UNDERSTANDS
IF THEN I'M NOT GONNA STRUGGLE JUST SO THAT THEY CAN.I WISH THAT THEY
COULD FEEL ALL THE HURT & PAIN THAT I FEEL BUT ALSO THAT I FEAR DEEP DOWN
INSIDE,AND TO BE SINCERE I ALWAYS HAVE HAD THE FORTITUDE EVEN WHEN IT SEE-
MED AS IF I COULDN'T TAKE IT ANYMORE I STILL HAD THE COURAGE TO FACE MY DIFFI-
CULTIES BECAUSE IN LIFE I AM LEARNING THAT MY LIFE COULD BE BETTER AND THAT I
CAN HAVE SO MUCH MORE THAN I DID ONCE BEFORE.......
This One’s for You
By Dane Smith-Johnsen
Wherever you are, when life seems hopeless,
And your scrambled essence screams inside out.
The pain wrenches it’s own form of anguish.
Head harrowing, distant dreams devoured
Fear asks, “Why me? Dear God, why me? Why me?
Stop!
Release the throbbing hurt; control moments.
Revive the tranquility once within.
Just for a moment, wait upon the Lord.
Let Him hold you. Do you sense His presence?
Never give up on God; share your sweet soul.
Look!
All around. See the wonder of Creation.
The beauty prepared for you. Please partake.
Preclude pain. Spotlight God for a moment
He can bequeath irresistible joy.
Never give up on God, spill your sweet soul.
Listen!
Permit the fear to disappear; hear God.
Cast off your pain in Jesus’ Holy name.
Listen quietly for a little while.
Hear Him; sense the mighty comfort He gives.
Trust His strength to help you and heal your heart.
Amen
When I tilt the glass,
I close my eyes,
So I cannot see.
My reflection in the liquor,
That slows my mind,
And kills the pain inside me.
I pure another,
And drink that one down,
Not realizing the outcome.
As the alcohol hit me,
With yet another drink,
Trying to understand what I have done.
Throwing the bottle,
Against a mirror in the room,
Looking at myself in the shards of glass.
Knowing in my heart,
That it was over,
And it would never last.
The delusions of whiskey,
That sit in that bottle,
For awhile set the pain free.
But after it wore off,
And my mind was clear,
It all come back to me.
So much time has went by,
All I can remember is wanting to die.
Happiness has been erased,
With all the pain I have faced.
Longing to feel loved within,
Which is something that has never been.
I wish it would all go away,
But I have to face it everyday.
I know you say I am to blame,
It's been hard living with the shame.
I have tried to always be by your side,
Even when I just wanted to run and hide.
Fake smiles are a thing I do well,
Even when I am going through hell.
Not wanting people to know,
My true feelings I seldom show.
The past keeps flooding through,
But, Oh how I do forgive you.
I wanted to end my life back then,
But now I know it is an unforgivable sin.
Growing up feeling I didn't fit in,
Your praise I could never win.
Family is suppose to make you feel secure,
Not cause pain that's hard to endure.
I've grown up now,
And made it throug it all somehow.
I have cheildren of my own,
Praying these feelings they will have never known.
God has a plan for me,
Even though I may not be able it to see.
I pray for God to show me the way,
So I can go home to heaven some day.
I don't know why you're angry
About the things I've said
When all that I have spoken
Are merely words instead
I don't know why you blame me
For speaking what's on my mind
When all that I am doing
Is breaking the ties that bind
You think it's me that hates you
Because of what I write
But if you listen carefully
You might gain some insight
Not everything's about you
Why can't you understand
The pain that life has dealt me
I carry in my two hands
I'm simply breaking away
From all that I have known
So someday you might actually see
How your little girl has grown
My pain is mine to heal
These chains are mine to break
I'm sorry if this hurts you
A leap of faith I'll take