I feel you near even when you're not here,
even when your face no longer lingers in my head,
when the wind no longer carries your scent,
and my body starts forgetting the feel
of your featherlight touch.
I feel your presence every single minute,
even your soft voice whispering in my ear.
I remember your smile,
the one that used to melt my heart,
and even your words that cut deep
and left a scar.
Yet I also remember the way
you used to gaze into my eyes,
as if I meant the world to you.
I remember how those glances
always made me fall in love with you,
and how, every single day,
I kept losing a little piece of you.
I saw
the spirits of
the freedom fighters
rising from ashes
and addressing
the cowardice
countrymen:
Is this
for this
we had fought for
your freedom?
Today has promise on top of the sadness
it feels like grief is a blanket, that I try to throw
off each day so that I can access happiness or joy
yet, it still covers me, sometimes oppressively
the weight of it is heavier than my weighted blanket
that I chose, this one I did not choose
but grief also has stretched me and made me grow
in ways I did not want to grow, there was no choice
involved, it was sprung on me suddenly
but I have grown and changed into someone
strong, compassionate, and less impatient,
but also a lot sadder and in tune to the pain of others
because I wear the pain of grief like a blanket that I can
never take off
I sleep with shadows
hollow dreams of lustful death,
pleasure begets sickness.
Beneath my eyes lies doubt
begging, pleading for grace.
I walk with shadows
consuming objects, life forms, moments–
Illusions of control.
My image dissolves before I do,
my outline fades into absence.
I scream with shadows
giving life to the everlasting eclipse,
our shrouds staining pavements.
Wraiths of darkness rise and scatter
like roots of a dying tree.
I answer to Shadow.
Light brings color and joy.
Looking down at the darkness I cast,
light has no place in my world.
You don't know how I feel; you don't know what I've seen.
All I know is I have a dream,
A dream I lost you and can't bring you back.
To your heart is where my love is at.
So I ask myself every night and day,
Does she love me? I don't know what to say.
All I know is I'm hurting inside,
Trying to win this thing called pride.
Fighting off every aspect to make myself look shameful.
Please come take away this hurt; take it away, it's too painful.
So pray for me and keep my thoughts near.
This is the end, so lend me an ear!
Raw emotions flowing through your veins.
Out of the trenches of rage,
an emperor was reborn.
And yet, you cannot seem to escape.
A lifetime of anger
sprouted from one moment.
Give yourself some grace,
your tears were never meant to decorate this sand.
If you can forgive, inner peace will be restored.
Once more, your throne will be forged anew.
Although we were meant to fight,
I ask for kindness in your heart tonight.
That broken mirror still reflects–
all these scattered shards.
Fractured, but still whole.
Just as the rising tides were.
This is no longer your home,
I’m sorry.
If life could wash away hurts,
If life could wipe away tears,
If life could give red alerts,
When a hint of grief appears;
If life could take away pain,
If life could tear away aches,
If life could give joy again,
When liquid sorrow dam breaks;
So wonderful would life be,
If such things could really
Happen unfathomably,
Life would turn out ideally.
Psalm 69:3 ~ "I am weary of my crying: my throat is dried: mine eyes fail while I wait for my God."
tears fall broken
pain unspoken
dealing feelings raw
tears can't drown
my anguish down
lachrymal guffaw
eyes bleary
soul weary
emotions run high
enveloped by sadness
bleakness and blackness
life's a teary dreary sigh
Get me back my sleep, oh God.
I am decaying day by day,
mentally, physically… in innumerable ways.
Neither can I cry, nor can I write.
I don't know what fight
is going on in my mind every day.
Oh God, bring back my normal days!
Am I an insomniac,
or do I simply like the calm of the night this way?
It's 2:29, and I am not fine,
dwindling somewhere in between.
Oh God, get me back my sleep anyway.
I was doing so well - thinking I'd made it so far;
But now I feel as if my body is once again stuck behind bars;
Why did this happen - I did everything I was supposed too;
As my health deteriorates so fast - it's left me feeling so blue;
It seems as if my life will forever consist of unbearable pain;
As my once "well managed" life has now been flushed down the drain;
I was just starting to get my life back - it's so completely unfair;
Realizing the medications have stopped working has been hard to bare;
Knowing that I have lost my life again makes me breakdown and cry;
Acknowledging Im back at square one released a beast that tore me up inside;
I had so much to achieve such as college and volunteer work - where'd it all go?;
I've lost everything I worked so hard for - and why I wish I didn't know;
I feel as if my heart is broken - that I'll never function or be well;
As my chronic illnesses grab me by the throat ands drag me straight back to hell
And this time, let's just pass like two black holes,
without gulping each other's peace,
like other species,
unknown, abandoned two souls.
And if we ever meet,
let's not argue about defeat,
we shall not recreate any view.
If eyes meet, we will just look through.
#I'm_sorry
For I care enough to own up to my flaws, said I'm sorry for you worth every breath in my lungs.
A lot that with words I can't fathom
A lot that with emotions I can't express
A lot that with sincerity I can't display enough of.
It takes no joy in me when I constantly apologize
Apologies for been wrong at all times
Apologize for not learning from my flaws
Apologize for not been mature enough to own up
Apologize for repeating the same mistakes constantly,
For trying to fix what can't be fixed,
my brokenness,
my selfishness,
my inconsiderateness
Sorry for always trying to be perfect
For trying not hurt you
For constantly hurting you when I said I won't
For always doing the opposite of what I preach daily
For being the cause of your pain and brokenness
For being too human for your liking
For being an apologist
For being a looser
For pushing you
Fir hurting you
For failing you
For not being enough for you
For being like any man out there
If there be any reason in the world beside apologizing, to have you back in my life, then I will apologize until is enough for your heart and mind to see the sincerity
In my apology
#Poetic_Ink
Can you hear me
The screams ran out
From my mind, I was afraid
Of the dark you kept me in
Can you get on knee
Like me got, but you shout
Cut the crap, focus on aid
Feels like having nobody to lean
Just care about image
Which seems to me like garbage
Can you see me
The tears fell out
From my eyes, I was scared
Of your anger you burst on me.
After each darkest nights,
maybe no one got me as full;
I was cresent everywhere,
hiding those invisible yet existent,
unworthy yet emotional part of me.
Thus, full Moon never shines now
forgetting the waning phases
like decades ago it did.
What do you say,
a bitter side of adulting?
Each time I had sipped mirage
thinking it was water
and I made my mind understand
that it had quenched my thirst.
Now neither mirage nor water
can make me feel thirsty again.
I am cohabiting with my thirst
in a perfect equilibrium:
neither does my thirst lure me,
nor do I try to evoke my thirst.
We have compromised with each other
for the sake of peace.
Because it's better to be thirsty
than to be falsely hopeful.
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