Smoking toking you must be joking
it's a bust I just don't need an altered sense
of time and space or on choking
a mind-numbing feeling of euphoria
as I am happy as a clam
(thank you ma'am)
for as you two while under the influence
of lethargy-inducing external stimuli
proceeded in search of smokeable weed
a.k.a., a whole lot of pot
a joint venture indeed
the words I heard by you bemoaned
when about to go driving were
'No left turn unstoned!'
Sad husband just buried wife.
Clad in funeral glad rags;
Seeks refuge in libations.
Taxi called to bar
Date written: 09/25/2021
I gave my all to thee
then fell to my knees
feeling robbed.
I was given Risperdal
that released me of rage
against my foolish ways
floating on cloud nine
that held my self-centered ways at bay.
I had to have thee
loving little old me
as if tulips held the power and smell of love.
I was not alone; and
clamored to your kindness
yes, the number of times you arrived
dressing me anew
driving me to banquets
my heart was in it for all the wrong reasons:
the loss of my eldest brother
the loss of my eldest sister
the shedding of addiction skin.
I gave my all to thee, and
I feared you left me dangling.
I threw lemon merengue pie in your face, and
learned a lot about love, and spiritual maturity.
It's true you drove from New York to big sky country
seeing for yourself I was fully wedded.
*
Had I delved deep into The Word
I would have heard,
It wasn't from beyond the cloud
My first winnings were as large as the devil's lure
I wrote the slips; swiped my Visa sure as true grit
Now I know for sure, God was not in it.
I've been playing numbers that
Played against the enemy that was me
Winnings coming out of no where held me in suspense
I was washed in sea of nonsense.
Then came the blues
It knocked me to my knees
It drenched me to tears
It caused my heart to fear, until
I felt the power and warmth of answered prayers.
Now, I am free!
I feel it in my being
I feel it in my bones and marrow
I feel it inside sinews of my soul,
Yes, I am free!!
My riches flowed from beyond the clouds
When I was a child, my grandmother fed us from her winnings
My winnings surpassed the look of blank slips, because
I am free as a bird facing new victory
Free, free, free!
*
Freedom flew in like a whistle blower
I saw freedom in numbers by the score
I am vigilant twenty four seven
Forgive as much as you're forgiven
Good stewards don't play the numbers game
Time paused and watched me play and lost again
I saw numbers everywhere I looked
Everything electronics had me hooked
I saw numbers high and low as I drove
Aged winnings had me paying for a stove
I fell and climbed high from the number's game
The devil's trick is to drive us insane
Numbers dared to scream from soft silent clouds
One day my prayer was heard. Problem was solved.
*
The green walls
Dulled with age.
Food, paint, and dirt
Completely ingrained
It’s been so long.
These rooms and the hall
Why go upstairs?
I’ve seen it all.
Go out the front door.
The air fresh and clean
Nothing here though
Is a sight unseen.
2 decades of this
20 years passed
A wall-less prison
The worst kind of trapped
Impossible wishes
What to do? Where to go?
I’m less likely to leave
Than a river without flow.
And with that I sit.
On this grassy knoll.
Subjecting myself
To 20 more still.
7/25/2020
Mutual numbing
Ice cold tears that no one hears
I can't keep strumming
We went swimming in our clothes.
Took off only our socks
And jumped into the deep end.
Yesterday, I laughted so hard
I started sobbing.
Do you know how frustrating it is
To bury yourself in a blanket,
Nearly choke yourself on the fabric,
And still be unable to stop laughing?
Irma doesn't make me angry anymore,
Not really,
But thinking about that weekend
Still gives me that icky,
Trapped-panicked-angry-depressed feeling.
I want to go back to the square.
Explore Underground Books,
Get a cannoli and pick and leaf off a tree.
I still have the leaf from the first time.
Slang still confuses the hell out of me.
Your slang especially.
There are 103 days
Until my first semester of college begins
And I'm no less scare of where that leaves us
Than I was a year ago.
The only person who understands all of this
Is the only one who needed to hear it.
And I sit there and it hurts.
I cry and mourn for what I've lost.
Sitting in the bath tub at night
I feel lost and the hot
Scolding water no longer bothers me
Though it has left burns and
Scars upon my skin which lie
So deep that the truth be held
Within them; Scars that you'll
Never know or even care to see!
My little runaway,
Your never going to understand.
You've taken away from me
The only thing I had left...
ME.