Long Skidded Poems
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Each year we drive to the south of Spain to soak up the sun's warm rays
But we like to maintain a leisurely pace, so it takes us two full days
Which means we stay at Hotel-and-Go, that sadly has one minor flaw
It's hidden away and finding the place each year is a bit of a chore
So this time I went into Google maps and zoomed in to the nth degree
The coordinates set, I was happy to let the sat nav find it for me
"You have reached your destination" the confident voice rang out
"No we flippin’ haven't" I cried "We're in the middle of a roundabout"
Ahead in the dark was a restaurant, so I went in to seek their advice
As to where the hotel was located, the directions were very precise
Turn to the left then left again then follow the road to the right
Go under a bridge, cross two roundabouts and the hotel will come into sight
We turned to the left, then left again and the road became a dirt track
We skidded and squealed with mud on the wheels with no way to reverse or turn back
We reached the hotel tired and irate, vowing never to come back again
I brought up the suitcase then a buzzing began, which was going to drive us insane
The noise came out of a grill, and although to heights I’m averse
I climbed on a chair and took it apart and succeeded in making it worse
The receptionist had nowhere to move us, but I wasn’t prepared to back down
So, fair play to her, she came up to the room to confront the irritant sound
"I'll find you another room", she said "You can’t stay in here tonight"
And so in the end she became my best friend, I could hardly contain my delight
I collected my kit and caboodle, pulled the case away from the wall
And the room immediately fell silent, not a trace of the buzzing at all
The noise had come out from the suitcase, hard to believe but true
My battery shaver had turned itself on and the sound was vibrating through
It was amplified by the hollow stud wall to emerge from the grill overhead
So the cause of the noise I had misdiagnosed creating confusion instead
I went down to the desk at reception to confess to the girl my ‘faux pas’
"Guess what, you’ll never believe it, the buzzing stopped, I know its bizarre”
So these days I’ll choose a hotel, that’s easy to find and what's more
I take out the batteries from every device and lay the case on the floor
A hunter boy born to God fearing parents
Was taught from his very early childhood;
Failure to attend church on Sundays needed penitence
As it was an act of defying God and dishonoring His parenthood
The boy faithfully took the advice to his heart
But his fad for hunting was too irresistible to put away
Brazenly, he skipped church on one Sabbath day
And roamed through the jungle looking for a prey
Like one on a treasure hunt, excited and gay
He dreamed of hunting down a bird or beast with his dart
In wild enthusiasm, he clambered up every hill ad vale
Exploring every cranny through bush and brake
As he turned to a dark corner, following a trail
There stood a lion and no doubt, his valor did shake
He started shaking and shivering in great fright
On an impulse, the boy turned backwards to run
Alas, he slipped off and rolled down the peak
With the beast chasing him in hot pursuit, like a demon
Crashing on a boulder, his ribs broke with a creak
With dizziness, he knew, he would collapse straight
Unable to run or even move, he writhed in pain.
Trembling from the crown of his head,
To the soles of his feet, as the lion closed in
He realized with a shock, he would soon be dead
And knew his disobedience was the sole cause for his fate
In great desperation, he cried out with all his heart
“Lord, I am so sorry for my willful omission
Please forgive me and save me from being torn apart
Make this lion a good Christian with all compassion”
And rid me safe from this miserable state
Lo, the clouds parted in the heavens with a creak
And a beam of light shone down on the aggressor
The lion skidded to a halt and suddenly turning back
Fell on its knees and clasped its paws together
As if it was full of contrition for its wicked act
In thankfulness, like a good Christian of benevolence
The lion drew the sign of the cross for God’s grace to overpower
And recited in a tone of great reverence and forbearance
“Father in Heaven, bless this food that I am about to devour!”
Before it sprang, through some strange providence, the boy escaped intact
------------------------------------------------
April.8.2022
Tall Tales.2. Poetry Contest
ababc, dedec…. Tail rhymed tall tale
Sponsor- Jeff Kyser
We've been having a "Bash Santa" week, but I wrote limericks this morning about Putin breaking his tailbone. So, Tom suggested we have a "Bash Putin" week. Here are three more from me. Please join in bashing that dastardly demon if you wish.
That Evil Putin fell down and hurt his tushy
He swore, "It was one of my bodyguards pushed me!"
Not wanting to be blamed
For he was so ashamed
That he had to change his pants cuz they were gooshy
It was on his darn keister that Putin landed
I'm going to be honest and very candid
He was chasing a skirt
When the scumbag got hurt
While being frisky with her, he was caught red-handed
Now he can't sit in a chair on his derriere
Cuz that lowlife tried to ruin the innocent, Claire
It's his tailbone he broke
His neck I'd like to choke
He's worse than Hitler, the annihilator Herr
Written by Jenna Logan
V. Putin has fallen on his tush
Pity was not in a thorny bush
Put him on a chain gang
Better yet, let him hang
Then let us have in Russia a putsch!
Arrogant Putin's butt is sore
Love this special news, tell us more
The ass is hurtin'
The world is certain
Putin needs to be shown the door.
Written by L. Milton Hankins
Putin is a fascist like Hitler, no doubt
That's what he really is all about
He fell on his a.r.s.e
Emitting methane garse
And learned it's three Reichs you're out!
Putin to his guards was accusatory
So let us embellish on that story
Shoved down from his thrown
Cracked his smug coccyx bone
This tail-ends his self-proclaimed glory
Written by Robert Gorelick
Vlad Putin was dealing with state affairs
On his way back he skidded down the stairs
You could smell the foul gas
Cos' he ruptured his a.s.s
No get well wishes because nobody cares.
He'd fallen over and broke his a.s.s. bone
A guard rushed over when he heard a moan
Hard luck you commie jerk
Cos' it's karma at work
Start praying now for your sins and atone
Written by Tom Cunningham
I was always late
For you
And I never rushed,
never thinking I had
to
Time stalked me like
a wasp
I floated through
life as if on a
cloud
Thin air masking my
mistakes
I was as elusive as
life gets
Time meant nothing
And I'm sorry for
this
I'm so sorry for
this
I met you on a
corner
Bitter weather
battering your
cheeks
Blue eyes sparkling
under a mass of dark
hair
You had waited an
eternity there
We drank coffee on a
bench
Mapping out the
stars until dawn
seeped in
As all thoughts
provoked a certain
clarity
You decided it would
only ever be me
Always me
And I'm not sorry
I was late to the
airport
Flying to Naples, no
more planes for days
It had been years
since you'd seen
your family
So I watched as
frost lay like
icing over your
dream
We played with
silence like a toy
for two weeks
And I'm sorry for
this
The day of your
parting
An hour of snow lay
around your feet
A car skidded, you
landed on the bonnet
I should of been
there
I was at home
reading an article
As your heart beat
for the last time at
the hospital
I should of been
holding your hand,
telling you I loved
you
So I missed your
departure too
And I am sorry
So sorry
Time is muffled
Churches like
conveyer belts for
the living and dead
As babies join this
world, people leave
it
The hurse shot to
the church like a
police car
I imagined it having
flashing blue lights
Saying he's dead,
he's dead
And I am too
I was late for your
funeral
I'm not sorry for
this
It was something I
couldn't bare to do
But, we're you aware
The later I was
The longer I had you
You always calling
Where are you
Where are you
The longer you were
in this world
Even if I wasn't
next to you
The longer I loved
you
The longer I knew
you
The later I was
The longer you were
in this life
Not rushing out of
it
The longer I had you
And I'm not sorry
for this
I'll never be sorry
for this
HEADLIGHTS ON DARK ROADS
Timid tentative tap on her door at midnight
as she lay expectantly in suspense and the hope
that he would defy all obstacles to prove his love
for her
Like Romeo and Juliet forbidden to date as parents
failed to understand her attraction to him- this soul
connection to his vulnerable rebellion and his love
for her
As house slept she opened French door quietly to see
his tall young body silhouetted silently as full moon
reflected his mischievous smile and tender feelings
for her
That desperately longed for embrace and then
door silently shut quietly with bare feet across
wet grass ran to ‘borrowed’- car a joy ride
for her
They kissed long and deep before he turned the key
and wordlessly he steered with unlawful expertise
as she watched his face in awe of this audacious act
for her
Bright headlights focused on gravel road intense
not a thinking or sensing danger that lay ahead
glanced at her and winked assuring protection
for her
It happened so swiftly at high speed in the glare
a rabbit raced in dazed confusion across sandy
terrain as he swerved trying to avoid a collision
for her
Brakes failed as wheels skidded and surrealism
spoke inevitable collision of metal and ground
as he desperately focused on preventing pain
for her
Consciousness returned with his desperate screams
while he pulled at her door which caved in disarray
panicked she felt warm blood on her face -- his fear
for her
Pulling her out and holding her tight reassuringly
saying everything would be alright while she felt
no pain in her shock secure in his arms and calm
for her
He carried her home to face condemnation and guilt
gazed at damaged face as she smiled through the grief
whispering “Go home!” the truth of this night never to
be revealed- protected by lies -- her eternal love gift
for him
(Non-fiction, auto-biographical experience from my youth)
© Kim van Breda—March 2014
I was driving our new bus down a rural lane
Potholes, rocks, the bus began to complain
GPS didn't reach, I told the rock band
As we bumped along in no man's land.
This will wreck my guitar, said Tony the Rock:
Don't they make tour buses with at least one shock?
The drums were colliding, the keyboard took a spill
The shaking and bumping were making us ill.
Then as we skidded on a section of sand
We saw a mom, 2 girls, and a lemonade stand
What a lousy location, said Freddy McShane
Their sales must be zero, a free-market shame.
So I stopped the bus, and we got out with a bang
All those tattoos, like a Hell's Angel gang
Tony and Lucas and Shannon and Fred
Girls were shocked, then "Awesome" Mom said.
We plunked down 50 dollars, took shots of lemonade
There's nothing to equal the taste of home-made
As we looked out on the field, I thought of a tune
We dropped everything, called it "Lemonade Moon"
We composed it there, in the Arkansas field
A scared horse gave a whinny, but inspiration won't yield
The chords came easy, like they knew where to go
While the gals were thrilled at our private show.
Lucas tapped rhythm on all three drums
Tony played chords, 4 fingers and thumbs
Fred and Shannon did vocals, at top of the game
And I played the keyboard, like I was insane.
(chorus)
Arkansas field, Lemonade Moon
The green bottles fly and the crickets croon
fireflies alight at the edge of night
Girls sing along and it feels alright.
We tried the song one concert, just for fun
To our surprise, it reached number one
Shannon belted improv, with her long blond hair
Fans threw Tony 3 feet up in the air
So turn on the radio, hear our rhythmic tune
As you drive your pickup under a lemonade moon.
Hum in the summer night under a firefly glow
with a heavy metal band in an impromptu show.
And learn entrepreneurship where buses shouldn't go.
Ma! He’s Looking At Me! Make him stop! MA! He’s LOOKING at ME!
And so goes life in the early morn. Two ragamuffins, in battle, and angry.
He touched me! He touched me first! He’s looking at me! Here we go, again.
Two children acting badly, as I stare them into submission, momentarily, amen.
While cleaning up after breakfast… they’re now running through the house.
Heaven should ever forbid, that they’d once, just once, be quiet as a mouse.
The second they come around me, I step out clearly between them, in their way.
Children can be exhausting in the antics, they find readily, that they can display.
Now don’t get me wrong, I love them, as one just skidded into the dog, in his way.
At this it’s a time out, and when finished different toys, in different rooms, horray!
But life is never that easy, as one tries to sneak past me, while he’s on the attack.
It’s just a simple bundle of energy, driving them, that, they never do seem to lack.
But every day there’s always an answer, to every prayer, that I have ever sent.
My sons had wound up the cats, and now are playing with them, till they’re spent.
Yes, you’re right it wasn’t my sons, and yes, it truly was their playful little cats.
Surely you didn’t think my sweet, darling, little children, would ever act like that?
In fact, once upon a time, you know, that of course, they actually did.
But they are past the terrible two’s now, and definitely more refined kids.
But as they head out, to catch the bus, one barrels past the other to the door.
Then he runs back skidding into the chair, as I hold the lunch out, he ignored.
Then the other, gives a push so fine, to tell him to hurry or they’ll be late.
But laughter rings out, as the girl next door, joins them, sweetly at the gate.
CSEastman 2-11-2013 Contest: Maybe I'm Amazed
I brought it for one thousand pounds in 1982
Second hand you understand not new.
No it wasn't an Austin or ford,
humble three wheeler,
plastic pig to me and you.
I was the proudest person on the road,
four months later, i was many off the road.
Because it was so light the wind caught it like a kite.
It skidded on its side rolled on its roof,
with witness gaping for living proof
After the damage was assessed ,Ifelt like wringing the mechanics
neck.
One hundred fifty pounds scrap,
five hundred pounds repair,
I left in deep despair.
Eventually Ihad it repaired drove one year accident free.
Four months later I passed my test,
so I did what I thought was best.
I sold it for five hundred and borrowed the rest.
Though fate was to strike again,
this time a fork lift was to blame.
Again the damage was five hundred,
so the new owner did the same.
Except bringing her back from repair she bolted,
like a startled mare.
A blow out was the course, a ditch the only course.
So if you see lal865p
look and stare and thank your lucky stars,
she wasn't yours.
Well, here comes the sheriff and his boys a-strollin' t'wards my cell.
I say adios to the cockroaches, fleas and rats I've come to know so well!
"Lord, I want Ya to take care of my Ma and Pa and my little darlin' Nell.
Have mercy on my wicked soul - Ya know I've already served my time in hell!"
For fear I'd flee the scene they cuffed my hands and shackled my feet.
I'm a-tellin' ya right here and now, boys, I was beginnin' to feel the heat!
A coupla fellers grabbed my arms to steady my tremblin' knees.
I felt as queasy as if I was in a sailin' boat upon the billowin' seas!
The sheriff and his boys got us through the mob by makin' a little clearin'.
Despite my pendin' demise the rowdy crowd started hollerin' and a-cheerin'!
We got to the hangin' tree and the sheriff asked if'n I had somethin' to say.
"Well, if'n it's all the same to you, I jes' as soon be out thar fishin' today!"
Hold on thar! A hoss and rider was gallopin' t'wards us like a bat outta hell!
He was a-flappin' his arms and yellin' and it was urgent I could tell!
He skidded to a stop a-wavin' a piece of paper that he held in his hand.
It was a reprieve from the guv-ner; he saved me from a trip to Glory Land!
The mob was disappointed with this turn of events and got quite irate!
The sheriff and his boys had a riot on thar hands and I became fair bait!
"Mr. Sheriff, I'd be obliged if'n I could finish them chicken legs and beer."
(I'm gonna hunt up that thar preacher and git religion when I git outta here!)
Robert L. Hinshaw, CMSgt, USAF, Retired
© All Rights Reserved
Reincarnated Rozetta was very angry with her super angel team for saddling her with ChimChang Man again.
They had spent the last two lifetimes together, once as squirrels, and now as a cat couple, him fat, her relatively thin.
ChimChangMan wanted to have a new litter of kits, but Rozetta was more than satisfied with the five litters she had already birthed.
On Saturday, October 4th, when she was recycled by a garbage truck, Rozetta stomped up to her committee and said, “Anywhere but that planet Earth.”
ChimChang Man met his petard a few months later thanks to a motorcycle that skidded on dangerous black ice.
His Angel Committee met him at the pearly gates and said, “We warned you to be extremely polite, mono-lovely, and nice.”
“Are you meowing me? I was the perfect gentle-cat.I was home with my catwoman almost every single night.”
The committee put him on a transport and sent him to Venus after an extremely controversial Angel Committee catfight.
On the transport he met Mo, a sexy camel, with a beautiful hump, and fantastic middle toes.
He cornered a committee member in the lavatory, and asked, “How can I become one of those?”
“It’s a relatively simple process,” the committee member told him, “Are you sure you want to try?”
The next thing ChimChangMan knew, he was pushed out of the transport, and hurling to the earth to die.
A vindictive Reincarnated Rozetta scanned the horizon, as far as her praying mantis eyes could see.
She was totally excited and desperate to bite ChimChangMan’s head off, yet that was never to be,