Long Recovery from... Poems
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I was looking over my stuff here, and itseems I've lost the talents I once knew here.
I write ancedotes for my column. I do journalism- always some deadline or project that I work well under the pressure of it all.
Writing is what I truly love!
There is just so many varied types I do, my poetry is suffering.
I enjoy reading the great writers here.
Sometimes I do not comment or remark because it is art and I'm at a loss of words.
It's just been enlightening to live such a full life, and to be right here, right now amazes me. I'm searching for some old therapeutic writes. I was on alot of medications at one time.
A victim of spousal abuse.
I came back up North severly medicated, drolling and my family would whisper, she'll never be right again.
Post Tramatic Stress Disorder aint no joke.
To be me, knowing what I do, and how very long it took me to recover...
When some never do.
Many men were nice to me along the way, poetrysoup has the best men in the world, they will embrace your differences, and encourage you to keep your chin up, and keep your pen flowing.
Vince I love you! Frank, you are the best friend that a girl to ever have! You've sent me so many books of stamps to write you back and also send you the latest edition of the magazine I am featured in monthly. Everyone has those times in their life, when nothing goes right. How you knew without me saying a thing.
Are you alright? a concerned letter in the mail when I was having it rough- and the presents that made me cry. It may have been a framed poem, but it meant the world to me, and still does.
And lastly John,
Why oh why did I pick the most just man to give the hardest time to?
He has put up with so much from me over the years. I love him with everything in me. If not for being a true servant of God where would I be without him.
I remember 5 or six years ago, and his lady, whats your problem?!
Well John, you are the very sweetest man I've ever known in my life... without you I would still be cold to the Lord. So many years and mile stones along the way. I can leave here, but just like the sands of Florida, you'll always see me back.
Thank You All, for reading me, but more - to support the struggling writers that fall between the cracks in society.
I love you Frank. I love you John. Don't ask which one more, because John is single and Frank is not hehehehe
Form:
Inspired by one of my favorite bands, Rise Against, and the song is called,
“Ever-changing” (Acoustic). Please listen to this song if you don’t know of it. It’s raw &
powerful.
“Have you ever been a part of something? That you thought would never end. But then, of
course, it did.” –Rise Against
“I fell in ‘Like’ with you”
With her smile
I melted unto oblivion’s redemption
Candy coated perceptions, windows’ gap
Seeping brilliance refreshment
Uncertainty resolution, polished
Absorbed into closeness sun
Yet these eyes still…see
Butterflies taking notice, missing you…as you stood in front of me
Strong, yet soft legs
Foundation of my face to rest upon
Scars…fading
A cremated sin
Yet, elongated moments of silence
Created abruption’s new face
The face of change
When she turned to me and said
“I’m not sure, anymore”
Emotional lullaby, rocking me to sleep
New battles with spectral flashback
Trying to get under my skin, a drunken tick facing demise
Phoenix’s sunrise, rejuvenating my recycled defenses
Yet, today, these rays just aren’t bright enough to burn sadness away
And with these sounds of storm clouds & Fall on horizon’s breath
These grounds are so familiar, yet bittersweet
This heart doesn’t want to be enlightened by karma today
It wants to be held for how it shines now
Denied…distance wins again today
Slavery whipped punishments in miles and blocks
This must end
Because I try to keep lines open to get a call from you
Yet all I hear are booty calls with busy signals
And yet something has kept me here too long
But can they leave me, if I’m already gone?
Something has kept me here too long
Karma’s laughter
But, through it all, I will shine
…
How I wish my mere presence can bring joy’s tear to her eye
Sadly though, now, the lines are drawn
Yet I wonder if this feeling is gone
Have the best parts of this…come and gone?
…
Maybe I’ll never know the truth
Perhaps she was misguided by jealousy’s deprivation
Deteriorating heart’s splendor
While I fell in “like” with her
Perhaps “Better Man 2.0” appeared from Cloud 9’s fallacy
While I fell in “like” with her
Perhaps
She held onto the past
As I, drawn to waterfall’s edge
Allowed myself
To let go…and F
A
L
L
© Drake J. Eszes
“We adore those who hurt us. Yet, we hurt those who adore us.” -Anonymous
“The Shedding of our Skin”
I am writing about the transition from lost now found,
Darkness to light, one being into another, death to life,
Old skin to new skin.
Its like the rejuvenation of skin
The restoring of flesh over flesh of an open wound
And that does not happen all at once but over a duration of time.
Little by little not specific, but unpredictable start to finish.
My skin was tough, tough as leather
It had to be broken in, sat and stomped on over time
It was miss-used, abused
Unappreciated, contaminated and unpurified with uncleanliness toxic substances, people, places and things.
Miss-guided with ill desires and will
But by grace my transformation had begun
Before it was to late there was a death to life ending activated
In my darkest space, In my mess
The shedding of my skin had begun
There was a shift in my ways my desires my walk and talk
My mind and heart had started to align up with the whispers of Gods divine word.
My old skin of the one-track roads, addictions, attitudes and desires.
I no longer craved or desired
My mouth was filled with affirming empowerment for myself and others.
I was able to articulate the things I felt, thought, wanted, and needed, liked and disliked.
Speaking fluent in the moments with no more hesitation or reluctancy holding my words or fear.
I am shedding my broken past of my childhood strongholds and obstacles.
Letting go of my resentments and anything that has kept me in chains.
I’ve moved from complacency to contentment with a peace and understanding I cant explain.
Compelled to be of service and good works with a drive of passion energy and love.
I AM SHEDDING
No longer stagnant in my engrafted past
Now free and flying through the fog, trauma and strongholds that once hindered me and my growth in so many ways.
Today my mind is renewed with thoughts and visions of life and light.
My new skin enables me to persevere on in faith and hope.
Trusting and dreaming of an abundant life sober and free
To properly handle and face life gratefully
Overcoming any of its obstacles that may come up against me
I am shedding with new profound revelations and abilities
My shedding has provided me with a variety of new talents and gifts.
Something that my old skin would have never allowed....
Continuing to shed “The Shedding of my Skin”
(1.)
Dare I Compose, This Heartfelt Poem For Thee
Dare I reveal, dare to my soul expose
No longer hide behind life's hidden pose
Return to Southern roots, a simple man
Forget this dark world's constant wicked plans
Remember her, life's most beautiful rose
She the sweet goddess, that this poor man chose.
Dare I compose, this heartfelt poem for thee
Pray to Heaven to one day again see
Together walk those streets paved in gold
Hold each other always, never grow old
Wake each dawn, with Heaven 's love all around
With you darling, forever by my side
In divine paradise wading love's tide.
Dare I ink the words, darling I love you
Just to hear you say, yes, I love you too
Return to Southern roots, a simple man
Forget this dark world's constant wicked plans.
Robert J. Lindley,
Romanticism,
Dedicated To Blessing Of And Precious Memory Of-
( My Most Beloved Wife Clarisa, She That Saved Me )
*****
(2.)
As Length'ning Shadows, Filter Thru These Aching Hours
As length'ning shadows, filter thru these aching hours
Seeing flowers bloom, I lower both sword and shield
Yet in the black-distance still loom angry towers
For this world its angry powers refuse to yield
Dare I, beg this cursed world for a peaceful sign
As if this moment, Karma and golden moon align
Nay! To do such, what a great knave fool would be I
For Karma rang no bell and day holds no moon sky!
Standing alone, this soul seeks happiness again
As a wasted form, worn down by epic grief
Here walking through life, with overloads of pain
Crying out and at moment devoid of belief
Dare I, in such a state, again raise this sharp sword
Wade into battlefield, a brave soldier to be
Cutting and slashing the dark-cast and evil hordes
Tho' knowing, more will arise from a hellish sea?
Here wherein twilight shades are forever falling
And darkness its turmoil dances into my head
I cannot help but hear heartache and loss calling
Do I, do I thus choose to run away instead
Dare I, fail my raising, deny my Southern roots
Speed ever onward past grief, fears and bitter years
Absorb the poison arrows the enemy shoots
As they whizz on through this volley of falling tears?
Here wherein twilight shades are forever falling.
I cannot help but hear heartache and loss calling.
Robert J. Lindley,
Rhyme, ( Looking inward, Hoping to Life again Find )
Every time you walk into my space,
Everything that’s real about me,
Gets erased.
Somehow, it always ends up
My mistake—
Comatose I am,
to my own fate.
I have decades, years
Not knowing how--
Can I fix this ever,
If not now?
Every step closer, you’re closing in on me,
You say cruel things
And then say you’re “helping me”
There’s always Doubt— anxiety needs approval:
I’m still inside this hole and
You won’t hasten my removal.
Will you leave me stuck here?
I bend and bow, and
Bow and bend then try again, somehow-
try once more, again, to get “me” back on track,
Sometimes it feels like “me” is
Never coming back.
Broken me feels lost and helpless,
Ripped with pain,
Broken is still broken,
No matter who’s to blame.
You become a non-person
It happens slow—
you don’t deserve to be respected, didn’t you know?
Everything you say is questioned, your life is made a lie--
You broke their hearts, you nasty person, just lay down and die!
Suffering’s hard, and so is pain,
But there’s no one here to stop me, except me, and its become a game...
Of keeping tabs and hoping you’ll never see how broken I've become-
Yet your words against me are only lies, one day the curse will be undone.
One day, you’ll get a glimpse of your iceberg cold
Heart
The Deja vu police’ll
Catch up to you when speeding on a lark,
And ticket you for lying to GD, pretending--
You were only playing Peacemaker,
Your devotion neverending…..
Oh the Horror of admitting
You were in fact, Ego-sitting!
Then it will be plain,
It was YOU who commanded me to wear the Scarlet
Letter,
Not because I sinned, but because you needed to be
“Better”.
But until then, ‘dear’ Christian(s)
Who committed me to this
Hole,
You currently offer generous condolences to
Yourself, not me, the
“Infidel”…
Parading your mirrored mask,
Your friendly smile--now its on, now its off-- just like a faucet
While behind closed doors you
Spread derogatory gossip—
And there can only be an ugly end to this
Charitable epistle,
I wash my hands of them, and wait for their delusionary lies’ dismissal.
Those who stake their lives on
Crying Wolf may
Seem to have the upper hand,
yet Gd sees through their fake disguises--
and always remains in command.
Patiently waiting
with unseen surprises,
Blatantly ripping off
Their dark, dirty
disguises.
What did she say when you told her you still loved me?
Did she turn away or try to disagree
Did you think about her or how she would be?
No you were only thinking about me.
She stands there now, all alone
Facing her fears of the unknown
Turning her head on what she's once known
Realizing now, she's on her own
With no one around to help her choose
She stands her ground, not ready to lose
Her head held high while hearing the news
To accept her fate, she must refuse
She tries and tires with all her might
To win you back every night
She has no plans to give up the fight
Any hope is out of sight
Her heart is now filled with hatred
Will all the love that you desecrated
With just that one sentence that you stated
Her entire life is now dated
Did you ever stop and try to think,
Just how far she would sink?
How close she was to the brink?
Or how it could all end with just one drink?
Just one drink to end all the pain
Just one little sip to break the chain
Just one to do the job, to her disdain
Just one and she will die in vain.
You don't even care to attend her funeral
To you she was just a girl that you could treat cruel
How could you be such a fool?
You don't even know of the fire you've fueled.
You come to my door and ring the bell
You send thousands of messages to my cell
Repeatedly the words "I LOVE YOU" you yell
But for all I care you can just go right on to hell
I don't want you anymore you Silly boy
I am no longer your stupid little toy
As for the loneliness you feel now, I hope you enjoy
Because you had your chance and my love you destroyed.
I am my own person without you
I no longer rely on your every move
I am no longer clueless on what to do
I know now I can move on to someone new.
As for the girl that you threw aside
I hope you think of her every time you cry
You're the whole reason that she died
If you wanted someone to love, she would have been there by your side.
She would have loved you the way you love me
But you never opened your eyes and seen what there was to see
I'll never love you no matter how hard you plea
So wallow in your self pity, you'll get no remorse from me
I hope you drown in your misery
Thank God that sad little girl is finally free
Thank God I knew it was time to flee
This is goodbye, so don't bother calling me.
Prayer to the Stone of Sobriety
Under a purple flannel-like sheet, but not as soft;
As warm as flannel-but hotter,
I am sweating.
The flannel shroud soaks up my sweat like my liver soaks up venom
I see angry tigers approaching from the ceiling above where I lay;
Tigers coming to rip the walls of my mortal gut.
Oh, Bacchus, send your vengeful tigers away
What did I ever do to you?
The sheet protects me from sunlight, but not from myself;
Nor am I shielded from Bacchus’ tigers; and not from my sweat.
Beads of toxic perspiration roll across swollen eyelids.
I press my cracked lips firmly together as if to scream silently to scare the tigers.
A poison tiger in my body torments my heart,
Pressing its scabbed paw firmly against my veins
Each pulse of the baneful blood pushes against my forehead as the tiger roars
And Bacchus begins to laugh.
Oh, wine, Oh drink, Oh smoke and pill
Who put you in my shriveled stomach?
Who breathed you into my cancerous lung?
What did I ever do to you?
A heave of tepid vomit snaps like a leather whip through my throat!
Tigers hate the taste of vomit.
Bacchus’ hatred is repulsed by its smell.
The tigers stop with one last press upon my forehead.
The sweat-soaked purple cloth is flung back from my shaking body by an unknown woman.
The wet pile of purple sheet crystallizes on the corner of my pyre.
It solidifies, as does my resolve, to keep Bacchus and the tigers at bay.
The mound of purple quartz is tethered to my body by a cord of desperation.
Oh wine, Oh drink. You too, smoke and pill,
The blue of hope and red of blood join forces to guard me from your tiger claws.
My sobriety hangs in the balance.
It hangs around my neck like a stone
That has the weight of three large hogs.
It hangs around my neck like a young woman, not yet a noose.
Like the woman who was commissioned by ancient Greeks to keep me sober.
Oh, sober Amethyst
Like ancient Bacchus, I cry
Tears of sweat over my drunkenness
Ashamed enough to die; but I cannot
Your generous gift of recovery is free.
What did I ever do to deserve your sober generosity?
Be my stone of sobriety;
You are my receptacle of thought and habit.
Heal me, oh purple goddess.
Protect this mortal from my internal tigress
Guard me with the weight of purple stone.
Oh, stone of sobriety, heal this mortal fool.
After all these years
Have returned these fears.
The nightmares have come again
And there's no way I can win.
I buried them so long ago
Until HE called on the phone.
Thirteen years I kept him away
And now he just reappears one day.
He hurt me so very bad,
Confussing what mind I had.
Clouding it over with so much dirt,
The man I called "Father" causing me to hurt.
His own daughter he destroyed,
Making my childhood a complete void.
Growing up sooner than I should,
And no chance at a safe childhood.
And even after he went away,
The pain still seemed to stay,
Until after struggling so hard,
I finally, slowly let down my guard.
I was learning to trust again,
Allowing someone to get in.
I spoke my mind with less fear,
Making my life so very clear.
That was until HE walked in,
Acting like such a "friend".
Never admitting to what he's done,
An apology of which he has none.
Wishing so much that he's changed,
That some how it could be arranged
To get past this and move on,
To start over and establish a bond.
I wonder if there's good in him somewhere,
Since he and my mother were once a pair.
Or has it all been lost too,
Leaving the "Monster" I believe is true?
I know that I can never forget,
I'm not ready to forgive him yet.
I just can't find it in my heart
To even want to try or start.
We're never going to be close, I know,
Because I've had time to grow.
I've lost too much to lose more,
Never destroyed again like before.
I am no longer the child with no power.
My strength has blossomed like a flower.
Only it's never going to die or wilt,
I've stopped blaming myself with guilt
.
I now know it wasn't my fault,
Nothing I could do for it to hault.
I was only just a little kid
With nothing wrong that I did.
I've dealt with it the best I can
Even though I will never understand
How "Daddy" can hurt his "little girl",
Crumbling her innocent, whole world.
I want so much to hate my Dad,
But I'm so tired of being so mad.
The time has come to set myself free,
And start living my life just for me.
I'm going to build a stable surrounding,
Keeping both feet on level grounding.
I've got to take it at my own pace,
With so much I still have to face.
But eventually I know I'll be okay
And some scars may fade away.
I'm just happy to be alive
And grateful that I survived.
(5/1994)
PUFF THAT MAGIC DRAGON.
In rain or sleet or hail.
Work and food and drink can wait.
One -two -three inhale!
PUFF THAT MAGIC DRAGON.
Its wonders never cease.
Calming nerves & desire to eat.
With its carcinogenic feats.
PUFF THAT MAGIC DRAGON.
No matter what the cost.
Cancer, birth defects, emphysema.
Thousands of lives are lost.
PUFF THAT MAGIC DRAGON.
This tiny paper roll.
Dictates the human body
To obey its every rule.
PUFF THAT MAGIC DRAGON.
As ashes pile high.
The smell is quite atrocious.
Its goal for you is die.
PUFF THAT MAGIC DRAGON.
But please for just one day.
Read these helps to conquer
Tobacco's addictive ways.
GREAT AMERICAN SMOKEOUT/NOV.17th.
ABOUT.COM/SMOKING CESSATION
MAFLongfellow
Just a lonely depressed, emotional, lost girl who doesn't know what to do. I'm confused but I'm kinda happy guess it depended on if I was dope sick.. I didn't start using big stuff as in oxycotin Roxy's until I was 19-20 years old I just started out snorting then it got to the point I couldn't feel them that way anymore. I was then introduced to heroin af first I was like this is nothing then I done more atleast a half gram I loved it.. My addiction kept getting worse!! Before I knew it I was stealing from my parents and grandpa and in all honesty I didn't have to steal they would have just given me the money.. Once I turned 22 my life changed I was not the same person I once was, that was very hard and difficult because my niece and nephew's looked up to me we done everything together until my parents found out I was shooting up heroin they never thought that their babygirl would ever do that!! I was shocked also. But after a few months I got really bad off I would rob and steal from people mainly family. I was doing atleast 2 grams of heroin every four or five hours. It made me feel awesome, amazing every time I would do a shot all my pain physically and emotionally would go away it was like nothing else mattered!! I could enjoy my day/night with my family mainly nieces and nephews til one morning I woke up with the worse body cramps,vomiting, pooping all over the place voices in my head the devil wanted me. I was slowly killing myself I was ready to give up. I begged cried everything for someone to help me.. Ii just wanted to live my life without drugs but that was my escape from everything. When me n my sister was younger we was molested once we grew up it haunted us,then right before my 18th bday I was raped by someone I had a previous relationship with when I was 14 took him to court the judge believed him over me and I had prove!! I just didn't know what i done so wrong to deserve everything. I had a lot going on didnt know how to cope with it all so i agreed to go a treatment center to get help. Spent 3 weeks in there everything from my past haunting me, couldn't sleep eat or anything finally after a week and half of treatments i was sent home with medicine to help me but I was still physically, emotionally not there but I was clean n sober for the time being.. Life isn't easy.. This is a life of an addict, surviver