Lost Childhood

After all these years Have returned these fears. The nightmares have come again And there's no way I can win. I buried them so long ago Until HE called on the phone. Thirteen years I kept him away And now he just reappears one day. He hurt me so very bad, Confussing what mind I had. Clouding it over with so much dirt, The man I called "Father" causing me to hurt. His own daughter he destroyed, Making my childhood a complete void. Growing up sooner than I should, And no chance at a safe childhood. And even after he went away, The pain still seemed to stay, Until after struggling so hard, I finally, slowly let down my guard. I was learning to trust again, Allowing someone to get in. I spoke my mind with less fear, Making my life so very clear. That was until HE walked in, Acting like such a "friend". Never admitting to what he's done, An apology of which he has none. Wishing so much that he's changed, That some how it could be arranged To get past this and move on, To start over and establish a bond. I wonder if there's good in him somewhere, Since he and my mother were once a pair. Or has it all been lost too, Leaving the "Monster" I believe is true? I know that I can never forget, I'm not ready to forgive him yet. I just can't find it in my heart To even want to try or start. We're never going to be close, I know, Because I've had time to grow. I've lost too much to lose more, Never destroyed again like before. I am no longer the child with no power. My strength has blossomed like a flower. Only it's never going to die or wilt, I've stopped blaming myself with guilt . I now know it wasn't my fault, Nothing I could do for it to hault. I was only just a little kid With nothing wrong that I did. I've dealt with it the best I can Even though I will never understand How "Daddy" can hurt his "little girl", Crumbling her innocent, whole world. I want so much to hate my Dad, But I'm so tired of being so mad. The time has come to set myself free, And start living my life just for me. I'm going to build a stable surrounding, Keeping both feet on level grounding. I've got to take it at my own pace, With so much I still have to face. But eventually I know I'll be okay And some scars may fade away. I'm just happy to be alive And grateful that I survived. (5/1994)