A Good Christian
By Elton Camp
Note: This is about a churchy, hypocritical woman talking
on the phone to another woman. She is slandering a
third member of their church.
I couldn’t believe that dress she wore
Anybody would think she’s a whore
Even for her, it was a big surprise
The hem was halfway up her thighs
Her neckline was a daring as could go
It surely shows that her morals are low
And the pearl necklace she picked out
Those gems were paste, there’s no doubt
Her ring with a diamond that’s so large
Is either a phony or she got it on charge
Wanda’s fancy watch showed “Rolex,”
But surely she changed it from “Timex”
And those hose were tinted a dark blue
That’s what a loose woman would do
Those shoe heels were six inches tall
And red isn’t the right shoe color at all
Also, her breasts are the largest you see
Another Dolly Parton she’s trying to be
A plastic surgeon must’ve helped her out
Those things are silicone I’ve little doubt
If she should die, to hell she’ll depart
But yet I still love her, bless her heart
I’ll see you at the church on Sunday
But don’t tell Wanda anything I say
Women Should Be Paid Less Than Men
By Elton Camp
Women earn less than men but who should care
It seems to me that the difference is so very fair
Women may well demand to have maternity leave
But you never hear of such from Bob or Steve
If a child is sick, it’s away from work she’ll stay
But you never hear of any man doing it that way
Anytime a woman goes in to “powder her nose,”
Fifteen minutes lost work time you must suppose
But whenever a man makes a visit to the “John,”
Back to his own desk in five minutes he will run
Five days a month, a woman is such a bad grump
But a man never goes into such an irksome slump
In order for a woman to be paid as much as a man,
She must prove she is able to do as much as he can
But we all know that will never, ever come to be
So just why should a “she” be paid as much as “he?”
There's nothing worse on God's green earth
Than a woman with ultimate power
She'll time you when you sit on the throne
And it better not take an hour
Imagine if there was a Woman Hitler
Man would we be screwed
You know, a woman who thinks she knows it all
But you would still swear she's a dude
A dinky little mustache beneath her nose
And a unibrow that looks like it's winkin'
I never noticed but the stubble on her chin
Kinda looks a little like Abraham Lincoln
This Woman Hitler will change the world
And make slaves of all the men
She'd make a declaration that watching football
Would be the unpardonable sin
I bet you didn't know if you rearrange the letters
She's known to one and all
Just rearrange the letters in Woman Hitler
It's gonna spell Mother in law
When a man and woman get married
A new language will unfold
The man knows not to question why
Just do what he is told
She never has to say a word
Men will see it in that glare
It's the look that men never speak about
The "You better not do that" stare
You know the one I speaking of
Like when a woman on the street passes by
And if she catches you sneaking a peek
You'll get that evil eye
Or when you say something stupid
And your wife starts shaking her head
You know the look I'm talking about
That one that says, "You're dead"
Or when you're at her mother's
You better not say a word
You know her eyes are watching you
Even though she's never heard
It doesn't need any definition
Cause men know what it means
It's the look than causes your heart to stop
And can even rupture their spleens
So when you learn this language
Your words will surely die
The look she'll give will be enough
To even make a grown man cry
Here’s a story of a nation called Freedonia
It has a neighboring country known as Sylvania
Freedonia’s richest woman is Mrs. Teasdale.
The country is bankrupt, and without her help will fail.
New government has been in place, but to no avail.
She then calls for the president’s prompt resignation.
This rich woman wants someone else in this position.
She insists on installing Rufus T. Firefly
Mrs. Teasdale sees in this man someone to rely
on in Freedonia’s awful moment of despair.
However, Firefly makes things worse off everywhere.
While Mrs. Teasdale is being wooed by Firefly,
Ambassador Trentino also gives her a try.
He hopes that his country can control Freedonia
if he marries her, and takes her back to Sylvania.
This Trentino plants a spy known as Chicolini
He is followed by a silent spy who’s called Pinky.
Together, they try to get vital information
on Firefly, and his inept administration.
What happens next is a funny abomination.
Before you know it, there is war between each nation.
So how do the Freedonians secure a victory?
All I have to say is: "Just watch the movie".
Based on the Marx Brothers 1933 movie "Duck Soup"
Ok don’t laugh I’m serious about this
They say Ignorance is a double dose of bliss
I’m a novice at writing poetry and you can tell
I can only rhime and don’t care how a spell (Rhyme :-)
Anyway don’t laugh I say this again
Don’t laugh I tell you as I try to explain
Couplet- I thought this was six year olds that were married
Haiku - Those thing-a-ma-jigs a native American woman uses for the baby she carried
A Blank Verse - Well you guessed it, writer’s block
Eleggy - An elegant tall woman of upper class stock ( sorry Elegy)
Ghazal - Yes the antelope that roam the African plain
Epithalamium- something you need an operation for because it causes you pain
Carpe Diem – Must be the name of a Greek god
Canzone – An Egyptian three eyed, six legged dog
Well I could go on and on
I got it off my chest and admit I was wrong
The rest are explicit and sexual and need permission
I’m glad for poetry soups 51 types of poetry and their definition
Don’t laugh
She has jealous eyes that tend to look at each other,
She’s the spitting image of her dear old mother.
Her heals are all crusty and cracked,
And she has more hair covering her chest and her back.
With a body that looks like a half melted bar of lard,
Soft in some places, and others it’s hard.
She sat on mypoor dog Rover, and it took me two days to find,
He now walks around with an all seeing dog for the event made him blind.
She wears this hair piece a $1.50 e bay comb over,
That looks like the hair between her cheeks left by poor Rover.
There’s this fat she has that looks like semi digested jelly,
It takes ten minutes to stop wobbling, and that’s under her chin not her belly.
But this is the woman that I once carried,
Over the threshold when we were married.
A woman that can clear a five mile radius with a single fart,
The woman I refer to as my sweetheart.
To all the married men out there
Here's some friendly adivce
Never tell her she's getting fat
Or you'll surely pay the price
Never say, "You're getting old"
Or "Is that some gray I see"
I'm the dummy who's said these things
So you better take it from me
And if she ever burns your supper
Just smile and say it's great
If she asks if you want seconds
Act like you just can't wait
And if you ever hear her snoring
Just go get on the couch
Cause if you wake that woman up
She's becomes an awful grouch
And when she asks if her mom can visit
Just smile and nod your head
Or you'll be sleeping among the stars
With the dog house for your bed
Always put the toliet seat down
Cause a woman will always sit
But if you forget this golden rule
She'll throw such a terrible fit
That's about all I have to say
And I hoped you listened well
Cause if you didn't, then take it from me
She'll make your life pure....Well.....you know
I hate to tell all you Eves out there
But Eden was made for man
Eve was just a second thought
To lend him a helping hand
Adam gave that woman everything
He even gave her that girl her name
She could have been called his help mate
But it wouldn't have been the same
This was long before those chick flicks
And that thing with the toliet seats
Adam even gave that apple to Eve
So she'd stop eating so many sweets
Adam was the garden's Tarzan
And Eve, well, she was only Jane
Even the serpent had to leave eden
He was tired of hearing her complain
Now the truth be known that fig leaf
Was an XXXXL
Remember she ate sweets all day?
So that woman had a pretty big tail
Now before I get that hate mail
You gotta know this was all in fun
But Adam was really one cool dude
Okay now I'm done
No Eves were harmed in the writing of this poem
It’s midnight and I’m alone downstairs
I hope she’s sleeping, I’ve said my prayers
Now I’m walking like I’m in a dream
Sneak in the kitchen for some ice cream
DON”T EVEN THINK IT
Back upstairs I hear her snore
So I slowly shut the bedroom door
Be very careful so she doesn’t wake
Sneak back downstairs to get some cake
DON’T EVEN THINK IT
Damn that woman can read my mind
Or I’ve got an alarm tied to my behind
I’m getting so hungry, I could cry
Just a couple of pieces of Pizza pie
DON’T EVEN THINK IT
Damn it woman I’m wasting away
Don’t know if I’ll make it through another day
I’m so weak I’m on my knees
I’ll save myself with some chips and cheese
DON’T EVEN THINK IT
What would happen if I’d get sick and die
Then you’d have to stay home and cry
Now, because I don’t want to see you blue
I’m going to eat those donuts just for you
DON’T EVEN THINK IT
Now a salad bowl would be just the right fit
Ice cream, whipped cream, banana split
Some chocolate, strawberry going to make my day
Then I heard a voice behind me say
DON’T EVEN THINK IT.