Best Whoopie Poems
As Mayor Tom often says when he's off on one of his escapades...
"Greetings" this time from Milton Creek! It seems like decades
since we've shared the latest news about what's been goin' on.
The law is still being abided here. For that, we thank Judge Horne.
Sheriff Mark is still away on a secretive meeting about a commission.
Guess, it's not so secretive since I just mentioned it in my admission.
The town is safe in the capable hands of Daniel Rodgers for a while,
and deputies Terry, Duke and Mike are always lookin' out for the vile.
It's been mighty tranquil here in Milton Creek and surrounding towns
since the hombres and rustlers are gone, there are no worried frowns.
The law here never lets down its guard against the evil doers of crime,
so, we're enjoying the pleasant atmosphere; a long-awaited peacetime.
Telegraph agent, Jerry sent word that soon we'll be hosting a rodeo.
It promises to be an exciting event for everyone... a big western show.
There's a list of events, and I hope each category will fill with names...
Calf ropin' and barrel racin' will take place with lots of other games.
I've noticed Jan and Tania have both signed up for a few of the events,
Ranger David will ride broncs and bulls, so will several other residents.
Deb said she would, too, although it's a decision she might regret.
Constance will be checking out the animals since she's our new vet.
There's still two months before the first rodeo opens in the Creek.
I'm adding a new wing of rooms to Aces Hotel; a few will be a bit chic.
We're hopin' to draw in nice folk who might settle down from afar
and bring in revenue for the Manx when they belly up to the bar!
Anne-Lise will perform trick riding to begin the rodeo celebration.
It'll be a week-long event, so we're extending this as an invitation...
Come to Milton Creek for drinks and eats... steaks and whoopie pies!
and bring your competitive spirit if you're aimin' to win a rodeo prize.
Preacher Paul Nederlof will be here to pray that everyone stays safe.
Cowboys and cowgirls, strap on your chaps so your legs don't chafe.
Guns will be collected by deputies when newbies ride into Milton Creek
cuz we don't take kindly to black hat gangs. It's peace here that we seek.
When asked to write Limericks about ladies
I said, "Oh, no. There's no way in Hades!"
Too many are my friends
I'd have to make amends
Not even for a brand new Mercedes
Then, I gave the matter a bit more thought
And chose women closest to my heart
The ones in Milton Creek
Five who are quite unique
All lovely women who are very smart
Jan holds ownership of the Manx Saloon
Where two lovely ladies sing a fine tune
It's where Milt played poker
But do not provoke her
Jan has been known to throw a mean spittoon!
Tania now runs the bakery in town
Her Whiskey Whoopie Pies are world renown
Come to Kitchin's Kitchen
She might let you pitch in
to help her make the best pastries around
Deb manages the Manx with extra care
No outlaws allowed, so you'd best beware
If you're packin' a gun
Or maybe on the run
She'll call the lawmen and they'll be right there
Two recently hired ladies fit right in
Caren tends bar, pouring jiggers of gin
Anne-Lise is the town flirt
Servin' drinks in ruffled skirt
Fine ladies, living at Aces with Lin
There's a few others at the Bordello
I hear one's sweet on a certain fellow
Maybe just a rumor
A tale told with humor
The Creek's calm enough to hear cows bellow
Residents will keep it free of all spats
No bad hombres who'll be wearin' black hats
More ladies will arrive
Our little town will thrive
Mayor Tom will have more to say 'bout that
Overweight Terrier:
Porky
Yorkie
Un-cool Terrier:
Dorky
Yorkie
Spaniel dog breeder:
Cocker
Stocker
Parrot who mimics a Spaniel's bark:
Cocker
Mocker
Book on how to care for Cockers:
Spaniel
Manuel
Originally from England, a well-rounded Spaniel stays in shape by playing:
Cocker
Soccer
Then showers and dresses by its:
Cocker
Locker
Dachshund headgear:
Weenie
Beenie
Grouchy Dachshund:
Meany
Weenie
Proportionally, male Dachshunds have:
Teenie
Weenies
(But size isn't everything)
Dachshund making critcal life choices:
Eenie
Weenie...
Lassie was a level-headed dog and never engaged in:
Collie
Folly
Reared in a loving environnment, she was a rather:
Jolly
Collie
Bred in the capitol city of NC, making her a:
Raleigh
Collie
To commemorate her frequent (and often rowdy) visits to N.O. a streetcar was renamed the:
Collie
Trolley
Snoopy immigrated to the States but alas, was found not to be a:
Legal
Beagle
Thus he was deported back to England but was promptly knighted by the Queen becoming a:
Regal
Beagle
Now a celebrity, he even had an entourage of nubile young female beagles named:
Snoopy's
Groupies
Eventually, he met his soul mate, married her in Westminster Abbey and it is rumored that they engaged in numerous and somewhat kinky sessions of:
Snoopy
Whoopie
A Dog Named Sex
My pooch is not named Rover, Fluffy, Spot or Rex.
I wanted something different, so I named my puppy, Sex.
To renew my doggie’s license. I went down to City Hall.
“I’d like a license for Sex”, I said. He said, “Wouldn’t we all?”
“You must not have understood, I need it for my mutt.”
“I really don’t care how she looks, if she’s ugly, fine or what.”
“But Sir, I must tell you, I’ve had Sex since I was four!”
You are no more than a braggart”, and he showed me out the door.
Newly married, we brought our pet along for the honeymoon.
I told the clerk, “A place for us and for Sex, a special room.”
“Every room has a place for sex. Every room has a bed.”
“But Sex keeps me up at night.” “It keeps me up, too”, he said.
At our divorce the court gave all my possessions to the wife
I protested, “Please Your Honor, I had Sex before my married life!”
The judge then said that he did, too. “It’s not a real big crime”
“But Sir, before we tied the knot, I had Sex all the time”
The judge said that I could still have sex, so I took my hound and ran.
My wife then said that she’d miss Sex, so I stayed a married man.
Last night Sex ran off again as we walked around the block.
A cop pulled up and asked me if I knew it was three o’clock.
I told him that I was looking for Sex and he took me straight to jail.
Now I’m waiting for my trial to come and can’t get out on bail.
…if I ever get another dog, I think I’ll name him,
“Whoopie” or “Boom-Boom!” Anything but Sex!
Wonderfully infamous Maine sweet treat, sometimes called whoopsie.
Happiness from your first bite of chocolate cream filled cakes.
Only to disappear soon after you make them.
Optional flavors of chocolate, maple, raspberry, and peanut butter too.
Pumpkin ones in the fall are all the rage!
Icing can be in many flavors; cream cheese, vanilla, or something new.
Every bite is decadent, fattening and satisfying.
People even attend a whoopie pie festival every year.
I found that my grandmother hid a stash in her freezer, no one knew.
Easy to make and enjoy; Marjorie Standish has the best recipe too!
On a summer night up in Labrador,
a couple was having fun by the moor,
but the flies were lighting
and frequently biting
so it was best to make whoopie closed-door.
Culture Of Death
Today I extend an olive branch of love from above
In direct relation to the sun have a bit of sun
We have sewn ill but faded rhymes to society's charm
Now let's sound the alarm to bring our people back
Working today can give anybody an instant heart attack
You seek for abortion on demand when will you understand
Just head to Canada if you don't like your home the USA
Now is a good enough time to bow your head to pray
Make no mistake some may call it fate
A pilgrims progress to reach the village queen
As you sit right back in your imaginative world of mean
When will you ever understand we must obey the masters plan
Shattered glass with blood in our streets from the riots you demand
You mix blood, sweat and tears from the images in your hand
Sullen torment having tombstones for eyes that bleed
You need to really give peace a chance as you scream & dance
Shelter lies dormant amidst it's beckoning blow
You send your children to school in war zones from below
Set your hearts a new having bitten off more then you could chew
You neglect to salute the American flag how so very sad
Blackened heart having long hanging teeth with viscious fangs
As you watch The View with Whoopie & Joy lest I implore
Repent then come back to your first love this thought is for you
not just any jokes;
but a humorous prank,
in dirty deeds and actions.
a banana peel for slipping,
a whoopie cushion for surprising.
series of sarcasms for icebreakers,
at last, untold execution of tickling for random giggles.
and maybe a secret diss in your wish list.
Holiday Rush
I am so tired,
I can not think clearly.
I have had too much coffee,
and of course...
too little sleep.
That goes with the territory.
Making things happen.
Cookies to make,
cards to send,
the tree,
whoopie!
I need a magic elf,
to come right off the shelf,
while I take a nap,
he could just sit there and wrap...
and wrap and wrap.
He could wrap up the socks,
the clocks and the fox.
He could leave out the ham,
the lamb and the roast yam.
But he should not eat the cookies,
as one leads to another,
we all know how that goes.
If that happens...
I will be baking,
clear into the night.
Just for a little help,
on a little job.
I think I will...
sob.
I thought I would share some of my favorite items that I use frequently. They are materialistic and in all honestly most I could live without! Whoopie pies are a dessert that resembles two chocolate cake like cookies with cream in the middle.
A good mystery book, reading “Pretty Girls” by Karin Slaughter right now.
My morning cup of coffee, as steamy hot as I can get it!
My rose gold apple iPhone in its pink case
My Netflix subscription, Dead to Me is a great new series!
Bath and Body Mango Mandarin body wash and cream
A weekly whoopie pie indulgence, I know I really need to stop!
Dunkin Donuts Iced Coffee 1-2 times a week!
My cover girl eyeliners and mascara, makes me feel pretty!
My many purses that I have to match outfits and seasons.
Costume jewelry, especially my black spinel collection
My comfy t-shirts and shorts I change into after a long day at work!
My croc sandals, the most important part of my home wardrobe!
My favorite Kate Spade water cup I use every evening for my lemon ice water
My kindle fire to play candy crush on and scope out Facebook
7/29/18
Contest: Writing Challenge 3, July 2019 - List
Sponsor: Dear Heart
Millions and millions of bricks
Tons and tons of concrete
Lord only knows how many panes of glass
Granite, Marble, and cobblestone too
Build a city strong, steeped in history
The Adams, Otis, Hancock, and Revere
Tea parties, massacres and lanterns that hung
Swan boats, ducklings, with duck boats to boot
Hatch shell, commons and a Garden with parquet
Green Monsters, leprechauns and Pops play grand
West End, North End, Southie and Back Bay
Chinatown, Beacon Hill and Government Center
South Station, North Station, M. T. A.
Red line, Green line, Orange and Blue
You may find Charlie still riding too
Baked beans, chowder and don’t forget scrod
Lobster, cannoli’s, haddock and cod
Brown bread, beer, oysters and cream pie
Corned beef and cabbage with blarney a’plenty
Fenway Franks, Hoodie Cups, whoopie pies with Dunks
Marathon, Head of the Charles, and St. Paddy’s day parade
Bunker Hill, Faneuil Hall, the old’s North Church and Ironsides
Streets Beacon and Boylston, Avenues Commonwealth and Mass
Northeastern, Tufts, along with the Boston’s College and University
Brigham and Women, Beth Israel Deaconess, Massachusetts General
Bobby, Espo, Raymond, Bergy and Z
Russ, Bird, Hondo, Couz, and Jones boys
T.B. 12, Hog, Andre, Bruschi, and Troy
Teddy, Pedro, Papi, Jim Ed, and Yaz
These are our guys; this is our city!
making whoopie while social distancing
a most magical and wondrous feat
but you must have a long tool
or become the town fool
as you plead with and stretch out your weenie
True matchup in the tennis stands. Meant to be humorous.
SEX ADVICE
Making whoopie at the tennis match.
Dr. Ruth and Bill Clinton, tète a tète.
She tenderly touches his face.
He blushes, in the very public stands.
Is she offering advice?
I wonder who is on the other side.
Is there a lineup of folks
to set his face aflame.
Was this an intercession?
Is Hillary close by
or very far away?
Otherwise
Ruth and Billy side by side
go out for an auto ride
Bill hits a bump
Ruth hits a tree
and Bill keeps sexting ruthlessly*
8/30/2022
*Original epitaph:
Ruth and Johnny, Side by side, went out for an auto ride. They hit a bump. Ruth hit a tree, and John kept going – Ruthlessly.
Piecing together Harris/ Kuritsky tattered family tree
(Betsy Ross would beam at unflagging effort)
Ah, here all along yours truly
thought himself an abductee,
and/or zoologically
linkedin with chimpanzee,
hence imagine my disappointment
flipping laminated pages ye
ja undertook undoubtedly
painstaking effort,
plus wireless subcommittee
stitched together plain to see
helpful input thank you Amelie,
plus unnamed, undaunted,
and informed cousins
contributing to digging
into archives to help free
some unanswered nagging questions
only to generate others re:
garding ahem little feet
legs skinny as spaghetti
this haint no phallus si¿
lodged within me
noggin, which effort crudely
analogous fitting
prosthetic to amputee,
who understandably loosing limb,
would find her/him
screaming like banshee,
which one with diminished hearing
might sound like
suite (sweet) firebird stung
explaining flight of bumblebee
nonetheless, the bundled, compiled,
and detailed genealogy
courtesy eldest sister prithee
perhaps inspire "FAKE"
trumpeted voluminous tome twee
starring pooch donning
windblown heir spade fur -
or sporting canine toupee
with apt title regarding petsmart
bonafide muttering dog gone pedigree
hump backed es
in heat making whoopie
would become best selling fiction,
whereby Hollywood
might come calling
of course anonymous
actors/actresses,
or training one or another Arctic monkey,
where production costs
totally tubular less money
versus famous Homo
thespians portraying
long gone i.e. bissell mishuga
characterizing deceased exhumed
(figuratively) ghosts
might be (like...y'know...really) eerie
yet, a possible windfall
after signed contract
once all parties privy
to dramatize ancestors
unilaterally abide and agree
this unsolicited barkback feedback
countless many shindigs
witnessed predictable
yours truly absentee
soul (and sole) brother pulling
no shows claiming lame excuse
ah betcha I inherited emotional uncoupling
generations ago dirt poor peon,
perhaps unwitting creator
of peanut butter and jelly.
ah, tis in regard to praise worthy of zee
sylph van halen wondrous sigh door house
where boot LIX phallic ruled thee,
this missive (fertilized ova byproduct),
sans newly wedded whoopie
between n betwixt carnal existence
involving stiff joint courtesy of randy
(loch ness hike hood only imagine)
engendered pleasurable scree
ming, when enfilade eruption occurred
sans papa's engorged tree
into verdant valley shaped like miniature "v"
when bare naked lady n beastie boy - with re:
tractable shaped magic flute
mountebank upon late
(then young) mum when she
acquiesced bing dominated
during nude version with glee
club (prickly ***** per papa)
unplanned romp or x game of thrones
whereby rampant animal urge beckoned to free
flagellates searching mini verdant zyder zee
which warm fuzzy i.e. cop u lay shun
nine months later with meself as baby
baked to imp perfection second to none
this futre puff daddy slated
tubby conceived via sex pistol gun
in tandem with mull ate mum,
who cavorted in naked fun
begat word whiz as second brood ding bun
in the oven o me late mum...
gone against desire tool heave anon!