Best Thong Poems
My auntie wears 'Bridget Jones' knickers
But last week at tea at the vicars
She’d purloined MY lace thong
It was morally wrong
T’was the cause of very loud snickers
My thong’s wedged between her butt crack
Stuck firmly between front and back
But it’s not a surprise
As it’s not in her size
There’s no room to cut any slack
Aunt waddles around like a duck
Like a chicken she begins to cluck
‘Yes I took her G-string
Get me out of this thing’
Stop gawping, help me get unstuck
The Vicar say’s I’ll get my pliers
On reflection it’s what this requires
The vicar doesn’t shirk
As he gets down to work
But after an hour he tires
My auntie’s visage is not pale
(Her embarrassment is off the scale)
When my G string gets cut
It pings clean off her butt
It’s a shame she’s the tush of a whale!
For a ‘sweet’ friend BB xx
07/22/21
There once was a fellow named Chad
With a reputation for being quite bad
Drank all night long
Wearing just a pink thong
Too overweight to be skimpily clad
(eeeewwww!!!)
© Jack Ellison 2015
To wear a thong in public...
Not much chance of that...
Unless your the type...
That gets invited back...
For unlike the summer months...
What's there to show...
I myself...put it on the shelf...
As like most you know...
To thong in public...
That's a life time ago...
A little more to hide...
Even in summer time...
To wear a thong in public...
Not much chance of that...
We were invited to a party; the theme was tarts and vicars
Though I better get in the part and get some skimpy knickers
Well I can’t go out in my ‘Bridget Jones’ drawers
If I give them a flash I wouldn't get any applause
So it’s off to the lingerie store to do some stopping
Won’t take my hubby or his eyes would be a popping
The shop had knickers of every colour shape and size -
Selection was enormous, I couldn't believe my eyes
In the end I chose a beautiful lacy pink thong
It fitted so snugly what could go wrong
Back home to change then off to the party we did go
When we arrived the party was in full flow
Everyone was in character – but then I heard a ‘vicar’ swear
People started pointing could they see my skimpy underwear?
I began to feel embarrassed, feel really uncomfy
Then I discovered what the others could see
Skirt tangled in the thong - at my almost naked butt they could peek
It was time to turn on my heels and turn the other cheek!
A TOTALLY FICTITIOUS POEM
WRITTEN ESPECIALLY FOR JUDY KONOS
Entered in Whats The Big Idea Contest - idea for a new contest is to write about embarrassing moments - fact or fiction
17TH May 2015
Hey Girls have you've dated someone
For in his pocket he says he's a gun
He says this or that
It's girth is so fat
It appears his ego is so under won
But I have heard of another Guy
In the shower he's so kinda shy
When the water hits he
He turns to a she
Nothing left for the girls to espy
Now having found this guy called Tom
His bragging, mm ain't so strong
He appears so thick
Deluded party prick
Stuffed tissues found in his thong
.
There once was a Wulfman named John
One of the most talented poets to come along
Limericks were his thing
But his constant carousing
Caused concern, caught cavorting in just a thong
© Jack Ellison 2015
What could be better than sitting in a restaurant together you and me,
And starring into the crystal sky above the deep blue sea?
We ordered up some seafood dinners we didn’t want to order steaks,
And then for an appetizer I got a pair of their crab cakes.
They were the best that I’ve ever eaten, even when visiting the south,
They were large, tender and delicious and they melted in my mouth.
Nothing could make this dinner better it was the greatest thing by far,
Until a blond wearing see-through stretch pants seated herself at the bar.
OK it got a little bit better then, but still I knew that it was wrong,
Because her stretch pants were so transparent you could clearly see her thong.
And I don’t mean a faint outline where you might think you saw something red,
It was right there on her bare derriere and while I’m old, I’m still far from dead.
It might have helped if she wasn’t cute or if she wasn’t built the way she was,
But she was cute and built and that would explain just exactly why because,
Like me, every guy in the place was thinking exactly the same thing,
How long can I get away with staring until I get a slap that’ll sting?
So I took the lead and pointed her out to my wife and she just rolled her eyes,
“Good luck getting a refill of iced tea now I bet our waiter never even tries.”
It was true that every waiter in the place called this girl by name,
She was a popular regular and they were moths drawn to her flame.
What was it that has brought this child down to this lowly state?
Why can’t she afford clothing that covers her up why didn’t she have a date?
“I bet that I know,” I said to my wife, “why she came here dressed that way,
Why it is she feels the need to be noticed and put herself on display.”
I pointed out that as each waiter passed by her they brought her a little dish,
Just a sampling of something good to eat whether, shrimp, crab cakes or fish.
“The only way that this meal would be better is if you didn’t have to pay,
I believe that was her intention and I think that she’s discovered the way.”
So if you would like to dine on a meal of fresh fish from the sea,
Make them believe that you’re the dish and then you can dine for free.
My son's been voted the most eligible bachelor but I'm sure it won't be long
Before some young chickie catches his eye and he'll be singing love's sweet song
He's a charmer for sure
With a desire for amour
Much like his daddy, he sometimes parades around in a thong
© Jack Ellison 2016
I'm on my bike every day
Trying to lose some pounds
I giggle like a little girl when
The scale says I'm heading down
The lard is just melting away
I'm a shadow of my former self
Almost lost a whole human being
Since deciding to become an elf
I hear you chuckling over there
Shouldn't you be cheering me on
Instead of being so damn jealous
That I'm wearing this skimpy thong
Feel like running about in the nude
But authorities just might object
Thought of covering up but decided
Gonna flaunt it, what the heck
Okay maybe I'm dreaming a tad
But I'm really going to see it through
Nothing but good can come of it
Soon be doing the old boogaloo!
© Jack Ellison 2012
Thong Contest
Goliath’s wife couldn’t go on
She felt like she’d married King Kong
Young David got laid
Right after he’d made
A catapult out of her thong
29 December 2018
For: Tania Kitchin’s
Bawdy Limerick Contest
Thong Thing Is Wrong
Thong thing is wrong
Cellulite women rolled on folds of flesh
Over waves and seas that crest
What are those monstrosities
Whales washed up on beaches
Thin strings not quite bikinis hide nothing
Obese creatures covered by mounds of pounds
Blot out the sun uncomfortably
As the fat eat Twinkies, dream of being Twiggy
Oh Doris please don't put on weight
Put on your tent. Save us from nightmares in the day
Tides move when you step in the water
Displace the natural order
Fish run from you. Forget how to swim
Naked can be scary by the sea
What is that giant thing standing in the sand
Dressed in almost nothing, held together by a string
What waddles down the shore
Thinking a black cloth makes one thin
Oh this fashion does not make for happy
Dreams and illusions bury the thighs in lies
Under the sun filling up horizons sky
Surprise! Eyes bleed at this frightening sight
Makes old and young cry. No place to hide
Ocean sojourns once were fun
Watching bikini clad women run
Nudity is meant for others more young
Eye candy, shapely, sexy and thin to begin with
Weight escaping on all sides exposed
Pretending to be pretty and thin is quite the trick
Girls come in all shapes and sizes
Some have been known to raise the tides
In disguise, hiding behind a smile exposes it
The thong thing is wrong
Please make it stop. Make it quit
Are you all alone on the internet posing nude
Well now there's help
Send 56 dollars to 76 Spock street
and spare your yelp
All of us want you to spend your money
7 special agents will help you find yourself
All agents are creating a happy place for you
Come as you are and leave for self
Whole divisions wish you well and say get fine
Follow your heart and give us a call
7 standard styles of saying your exposed
Call for an estimate before you fall
Hold on to your receipt and earn $3 back
Call 1-800-protituteslovetoo
I'm waiting for your call
Don't be you
I'll see you when you get here
7 of 7 women can't be wrong
Wish you pure
Toss that thong
so we're stood at the bar my new lover and I
we are getting on ever so well
a drink and a chat, perfect chemistry
when a familiar perfume I smell
my god its his ex looking shifty but smart
in my mind I am seeing Cruella
she asks how we are with a sarcastic grin
I'm aware she is here for my fella
mind if I join you, my date won't be long
she sits down with a flash of a thigh
she alters her top, cleavage on display
I swear her belly button I spy
course she sat in between with her back to me
the atmosphere dives like a bomb
I'll nip to the ladies she says with a smirk
winks at him and says I won't be long
he caresses my hand, reassures me right there
she will soon tire of this, please don't worry
fast she comes back, I see fresh lippy on
though could tell she applied in a hurry
oh look over there it's our friends Sue and Pete
she goes over and hugs them quite strong
almost fell off my stool with the vision I see
her skirt was tucked into her thong
with tears in our eyes from hysterics within
poor Cruella she had no idea
my confidence rose, any doubt disappeared
her thong has dissolved all my fear
My son's been voted the most eligible bachelor so it won't be long
Before some chickie catches him and he'll be singing love's sweet song
He's a charmer for sure
With a desire for amour
Much like his daddy, who sometimes parades around in a thong
turn it off
and turn me on
sweetly she spoke
turn me on
control my fuctions
that I might loss myself
from the mire sight of you
turn me on
turn me on!