Best Skidded Poems
(Why I'm Still Breathing)
When the cow was dry, she was compliant.
When she calved, she turned vicious
and no fence could hold her,
but she gave milk in abundance,
and Dad refused to sell her.
She chased Mother 'round and 'round the barn
until Mom panicked, climbed the corner logs,
and perched under the roof,
clinging like a cicada shell on a weed-pod.
Beasty pawed and bellowed until Dad came home.
"I could gain on her on the corners,"
Mother said, "because I could turn faster,
but she gained on me on the straightaway."
Plug-ugly tore through the fence,
into the garden, where Mom and I worked.
"Run, Cona Faye, run," my mother shouted.
How did she know? The cow passed Mother
and thundered straight for me. I ran.
At the fence, snorts filled my ears. Hot breath
steamed my back. I saw myself stomped,
pulverized into the dirt. I turned, screaming
at full volume, and flailed my arms
like a windmill in a strong wind.
That old red cow locked her front legs
and skidded like a freight train on full brake.
I seized the moment, and scaled that rail fence.
O'Dowd
An old hunter by the name of O'Dowd
Shooting tigers for fun made him feel proud
Had trouble with his gun
There was no time to run
Now lies covered on a slab with a shroud..
Jed
There was a frisky old man known as Jed
Took red pills so he wouldn't end up dead
But his notes were misread
He got blue ones instead
Now no longer does he fall out of bed...
Meat Pie
You ever thought what goes in a meat pie
I'll tell you and its no word of a lie
See the finest of meat
Is stray cats off the street
So give it serious thought 'fore you buy...
The Milkmaid
A milkmaid worked on a farm on Dartmoor
Had long blonde hair and her skin was so pure
Late for work she did hurry
Failed to see some fresh slurry
She skidded and went face down in manure...
Surfing
Some young lads went for a surf in the dark
To them it was a just a bit of a lark
But in the moonlight
They had a great fright
When they spotted the giant fin of a shark...
Written 23 August 2020
I can remember it like it was yesterday.....
Listening to a hard rock "all-night" radio station,
boppin' back from college to my hometown in the middle
of the night, on an endless two-lane highway, in the middle of nowhere.
Up around the curve, my headlights engulfed a scene I'll never forget.......
What looked like three or four cars (to this day I'm not sure) smashed, crumpled
and twisted in burning smoke, completely blocking the road.....
Slamming on my brakes, I skidded to a stop, trying to process what I was witnessing,
I pulled up a few feet closer in my car and unrolled my window....
Burnt shredded metal filled my nostrils with the scent of death, and not a sound......
The silence terrified me...... I started to get out of my car........
Then, from the bowels of the horror, a voice whispered to me "don't stop! go for help"
Numb, I got back in my car..... that's when the wreck of cars parted, and a path was created
to pass through! I drove to the next exit and had the clerk call 911, giving them
directions to
the crash......I drove on into the night, fumbling for a radio station.
_____________________________
BIN JAMAL
A pervert by the name of Bin Jamel
Was charged with bizarre sex with a mammal
the charges were read
Bin Jamal went red
Cos the charge was bonking a fat camel...
JOHNNY McGOOS
Did you hear about young Johnny McGoos
Had a misfortune regarding his shoes
The neighbours dog left a load
In the middle of the road
He missed it and skidded on doggy doos...
OLD FREDDIE
Old Freddie was choping wood from a tree
Was hurrying to get home for his tea
It didn't end well
He let out a yell
Missed the branch and the axe stuck in his knee...
BILL BEST
A young man by the name of Bill Best
Thought he'd put his girlfriend to the test
But she shattered Bill's dream
When she started to scream
They had layed down on top of an ants nest...
THE JOCKEY
A horse jockey was in the steeplechase
Was galloping at a very fast pace
He misjudged the tall jump
Hit the ground with a thump
Was left with egg and fresh mud on his face...
Written 29th July 2020.
He looked out at the snow and ice,
As a cold wind whistled winter
Through the door, bringing hope
Of making a real-life snowman,
A special friend for a lonely boy,
At least in his world it was so.
He ran out of his room and leapt so
High, sliding down the banister as if on ice.
Then, putting on his boots and scarf, the boy
Flew out of the door into the depths of winter,
Laughing, scooping, sculpting his snowman,
His pal, his accomplice, his hope.
He rolled about without a hope
Of caring for the cold, and so,
Wrapping his scarf around his snowman,
He skidded about on sparkling ice
Losing his boots to the big mad winter…
And there was no happier boy.
A solitary but cheerful boy,
No others there to spoil the hope
Of finding secret delights in winter
That only he believed in so,
Secrets long buried in solid ice,
Yet found inside a snowman.
He danced and chatted to his snowman
And he in turn smiled down at the boy,
Complete with carrot nose and eyes of ice
It filled his heart with warmth and hope,
Showed him the meaning of life so
Full of love, in coldest cruellest winter.
Back inside he looks on winter
Watching his own precious snowman,
And though the fire roars and sweets so
Tempting fill the senses of the boy,
Nothing gives him more joy-filled hope
Than gazing on two lumps of ice.
The darkest winter, that lies inside a boy,
Is brightened by a snowman, a light of hope
That friendship gives so, through frozen ice.
I passed a squirrel
on a two-lane back road
that a car had run over
Some rule was broken...
Its front legs scratched and scraped
at the pavement but it was stuck
like glue, flat on the asphalt
Its head was bobbing
up and down, side to side
(Surely there was no pain?)
Damn it ALL, you little...
Slammed on the brakes
skidded to the side of the road
made an illegal 3 point turn
Returning to the scene of the crime,
I crushed the head of God’s creation
turning it into fresh buzzard food
turning it back home to its Creator
This creature did not have it coming
This creature did not deserve it
This creature was as good or better
than me or any other human being
God's child minded its business
God's child never hurt anyone
God's child of Nature's symphony
might have done the same for me
God's child had no clue
it was crossing a road
or even what a road was
but I did…
They both smiled, although only the man’s was visible
They both knew that the moment to come, had to come
The hair-dryer air killed the sweat, which helped the man see better
And the skin of the object of his desire
Dust laden and grey
Breathed dry.
When the breeze began to cool
The man looked down the barrel
And loved the last elephant ever to live
As he slowly squeezed the trigger.
The echo skidded around the valley
For at least a lifetime of heartbeats
A lake of blood, water-falled out his ear
And then he was silent, midst the fading roar.
When silence returned, the breeze stopped
And he stared for a long, long time.
He moved towards the body, and he blinked
As he touched the body with his tusks, and walked away,
His trunk sniffing the fading love, and sadness in the air.
There was a young fellow called Joe
Who loved to play out in the snow
But he skidded on ice
Somersaulted twice
And broke all three bones in his elbow.
February 16th 2018.
Entered in walking in the snow contest
Sponsored by Kevin Shaw.
FICTION WRITE FOR CONTEST
Salty tears fell from my blue eyes, when I kissed you goodbye
I begged please don’t drive till sunrise, when I kissed you goodbye
Soft snowflakes were falling from the sky, but you weren’t deterred -
You’d promised that you’d meet the guys, when I kissed you goodbye
You replied that you’d be fine, as it wasn’t far to go
I told you that it wasn’t wise, when I kissed you goodbye
We exchanged harsh words that terrible night; you told me that
it’s not my place to criticise, when I kissed you goodbye
Your car skidded on ice; a policeman came to my door.
I’d been so right to agonise, when I kissed you goodbye
As I sat by your bedside on the night you passed away
my sadness I could not disguise, when I kissed you goodbye
Contest Form G Sponsored By Broken Wings
(Wasn’t* has been counted as 2 syllables not 1 as on how many syllables)
02~03~17
HEADLIGHTS ON DARK ROADS
Timid tentative tap on her door at midnight
as she lay expectantly in suspense and the hope
that he would defy all obstacles to prove his love
for her
Like Romeo and Juliet forbidden to date as parents
failed to understand her attraction to him- this soul
connection to his vulnerable rebellion and his love
for her
As house slept she opened French door quietly to see
his tall young body silhouetted silently as full moon
reflected his mischievous smile and tender feelings
for her
That desperately longed for embrace and then
door silently shut quietly with bare feet across
wet grass ran to ‘borrowed’- car a joy ride
for her
They kissed long and deep before he turned the key
and wordlessly he steered with unlawful expertise
as she watched his face in awe of this audacious act
for her
Bright headlights focused on gravel road intense
not a thinking or sensing danger that lay ahead
glanced at her and winked assuring protection
for her
It happened so swiftly at high speed in the glare
a rabbit raced in dazed confusion across sandy
terrain as he swerved trying to avoid a collision
for her
Brakes failed as wheels skidded and surrealism
spoke inevitable collision of metal and ground
as he desperately focused on preventing pain
for her
Consciousness returned with his desperate screams
while he pulled at her door which caved in disarray
panicked she felt warm blood on her face -- his fear
for her
Pulling her out and holding her tight reassuringly
saying everything would be alright while she felt
no pain in her shock secure in his arms and calm
for her
He carried her home to face condemnation and guilt
gazed at damaged face as she smiled through the grief
whispering “Go home!” the truth of this night never to
be revealed- protected by lies -- her eternal love gift
for him
(Non-fiction, auto-biographical experience from my youth)
© Kim van Breda—March 2014
He was sun-scorched, flame-torched
stood tall, strong as a brick wall
loose-hipped, well equipped
in for the count, without a doubt
expert tracked, surprise packed
spurs jangled, wild mustang wrangled
I should have, could have
but I was lost, dust-bowl tossed; in Trouble!
In a mess, I confess
as he turned, my body burned
fanned my face, acting chaste
he was endearing, God-fearing
a lop-sided smile, immaculate styled
I could have run, fired my gun
but I only choked, when he spoke,
he was ice cool, me more the fool; he's Trouble!
He tipped his hat, steel-grey eyes of a cat
heavy lidded, my heart skidded,
he said, 'Maam?', took my hand
his cornfield hair, his unnerving stare
I might have, right have
high-tail, hit the trail
the preacher grins, there's all my kin
now side-by-side, my downhill slide; into Trouble!
All curtailed, I in veil
'Do you take?, my mistake?
white wedding gown, two hearts pound
next the ring, my clammy skin
my Pa's tears, must squelch my fears
all too late, more my fate
the thrown rice, last minute advice
my Mama's bliss, that sweet kiss; of Trouble!
Blushing bride, our buggy ride
all alone, our log cabin home
white picket fence, it all makes sense
just me and you, the mountain's view
angels singing up above, it must be love
carried past the oven door, need I say more?
a four-poster bed, enough said
'What a Man!', to our life plan; without Trouble!
©25/02/2012
In a domain, now lost in time,
There roamed a minervoo over the land.
With five hairy legs under platelets of rime;
They skidded and skated, they frimmed and they frammed.
But by far the scariest, creature of all,
Was the Trestial, Lambergyl Bruegal.
Standing only one foot, three inches tall;
It burped along gaily with its silly, audacious, rediculous call.
Lambergyl Bruegals are gruff and they're mean,
Bumping along in their elongated, flying machines.
They'll assist you happily if they're in the mood;
But if they're not - you just may be "alligator's food".
Onto the paths of the jungle, laden in zoolies;
They came with their bizarre, gotcha-be doolies.
Onto the clearings beset with fribps;
They came with their rollipops stuck to their lips.
A Lambergyl Bruegal's nothing to mess with;
Some folks say, they are only a myth.
Don't get in their way or hit the wrong chord;
You don't want to annoy one - particularly if they're bored.
Let this be a warning to all those in doubt,
They'll rock your world wildly, and then they will shout.
The Lambergyl Bruegal's both crabby and mean,
Leaving you speechless, oogling his red, Bruegal machine.
I can't tell you no more, cause' I'm not allowed;
Would be like an omchinoogle in its purple-white cloud.
Twood' be like the frzuegal to an oncoming ghinx,
Or perhaps like the mummy to its thribolex sminz.
Fireman, Fireman Help Me Quick
By Elton Camp
An old lady called the fire department to say
“Please hurry over to my house right away.”
To save her, the dispatcher then does strive
“M’am, get out of your house till we arrive.”
He imagined the flames licking at her heels
So for speed the dispatcher firmly appeals
“I know, for you, this may be extremely hard,
But leave everything and go out into the yard.”
“There’s no reason I should do a thing like that.
I’d take care of it myself except I’m old and fat.”
Despite how hard to reason with her he did strive,
She insisted she’d sit on the couch till they arrive
“Hurry, fellows, and get the fire truck on the move.
Even seconds of delay may a disaster come to prove.
A poor, senile old woman is in a most terrible plight
But if you hurry, perhaps you can still make it right.”
The fire truck raced down the road to save the day
Speeding and running traffic lights, come what may
An ambulance was roaring along, very close behind
Paramedics apprehensive at what they would find
When in her driveway the vehicles skidded to a halt
Coming out the front door was the woman they sought
“Well, you boys surely took long enough to get here.
By now, my cat up in the tree is shaking with fear.”
Vlad Putin was dealing with state affairs
On his way back he skidded down the stairs
You could smell the foul gas
Cos' he ruptured his a.s.s
No get well wishes because nobody cares.
He'd fallen over and broke his a.s.s. bone
A guard rushed over when he heard a moan
Hard luck you commie jerk
Cos' it's karma at work
Start praying now for your sins and atone
Written on 2nd December 2022.
Reincarnated Rozetta was very angry with her super angel team for saddling her with ChimChang Man again.
They had spent the last two lifetimes together, once as squirrels, and now as a cat couple, him fat, her relatively thin.
ChimChangMan wanted to have a new litter of kits, but Rozetta was more than satisfied with the five litters she had already birthed.
On Saturday, October 4th, when she was recycled by a garbage truck, Rozetta stomped up to her committee and said, “Anywhere but that planet Earth.”
ChimChang Man met his petard a few months later thanks to a motorcycle that skidded on dangerous black ice.
His Angel Committee met him at the pearly gates and said, “We warned you to be extremely polite, mono-lovely, and nice.”
“Are you meowing me? I was the perfect gentle-cat.I was home with my catwoman almost every single night.”
The committee put him on a transport and sent him to Venus after an extremely controversial Angel Committee catfight.
On the transport he met Mo, a sexy camel, with a beautiful hump, and fantastic middle toes.
He cornered a committee member in the lavatory, and asked, “How can I become one of those?”
“It’s a relatively simple process,” the committee member told him, “Are you sure you want to try?”
The next thing ChimChangMan knew, he was pushed out of the transport, and hurling to the earth to die.
A vindictive Reincarnated Rozetta scanned the horizon, as far as her praying mantis eyes could see.
She was totally excited and desperate to bite ChimChangMan’s head off, yet that was never to be,