Best Funnyhouse Poems
On the wall of a house I might be
Owned by *Brangelina Jolie.
There’s no real reason why.
I’m just one nosy fly.
Not to mention, Brad nude I might see!
House to house in each fine neighborhood
I’ll spy like a super fly should.
An “enquiring” mind,
Lots of scandal I’ll find.
As I fly over all Hollywood.
When I tire of the “stars,” I’ll fly to
Any place juicy plots might ensue.
Just beware. Flies like me
Are as sly as can be.
Right now I am looking at you!
*Brangelina refers to the coupleship of Brad & Angelina
I'm assuming they are still together?
For the Contest by Michael J. Falotico:
"A Fly on the Wall"
59th WEDDING ANNIVERSARY
Forgot the anniversary
Or nearly did
Had I –
There would have been no loud words
Not even weeping
After all these years (I’m thinking)
Expectations stale
Fond smiles are few but
There would be a certain period of contemplation
The entire house quiet
The cats? – how do they pick-up vibes? –
The cats are in hiding
The air? – our house is not large – sultry
Just a hint of ash
Vesuvius threatening
The old saying – “Silence speaks at times
FORTISSISSIMO!
And this for several days
The bill will be tremendous!
Dinner out
A show – Broadway if available
Belated gifts
Everything I do is noticed criticized
Well?
After a month we’re back to normal
How boring
Wasn’t that fun
I live the “life of Riley” can’t you see
I’m crafty and cunning and independently free
I warm my owner up with a rub and a purr
A warm cozy blanket is what I prefer
When I choose to be aloof
I just turn my back and curl up bullet proof
I don’t mind being a house cat
Some may say because of this I’ve become a bit fat
Not to worry, never fear
I run around this house crazy and mess up your underwear
Sure, give me some yarn, that too can become boring after a time
I’d rather look out the window in the sun and lick my paws, sublime
And when you’re cooking up a great meal
That’s when I sit pretty and cry and squeal
I’m sweet and lovable and debonair
And I’ve taken over your house “I declare”
Yes I know I may sleep more than some
But how could you resist, your furry friend is what I’ve become
Inspired by Constance La France’s Cat tails contest
There once were three magical pigs.
They were neighbors that danced the jig.
The wolf in the valley
Sometimes walked down their alley.
He was hungry for one of those pigs!
Pig-one lived in a house made of straw.
He looked at his walls with great awe.
At night he would nibble
His saliva would dribble.
He often ate straw from his wall.
The second pig had a house made of sticks.
He built it without magical tricks.
And although it was rare,
He nibbled sticks there.
Until piggy-two became sick…very sick.
At night he would scream for ice cream!”
An unusual request so it seems.
It annoyed piggy one
Who waved his magic wand!
Sweet corn on pig two’s wall”, he schemed.
The third pig built a house of bricks.
Bricks are much stronger than sticks.
So, try as he might,
He could not nibble at night.
So, he practiced his jig just for kicks.
Their neighbor, the alley-walking wolf,
Snuck around one night, never saying, “Woof!”
He went to the first pig’s house.
He acted like a lousy louse.
A zip of the wand; the bad wolf was gone. Poof!
Piggy-one ran to tell pig-two and pig-three.
You’ll never believe the sight he did see.
Pig-two and the wolf had a cup
Ice cream they swallowed all up.
How in the world could this be?
The wolf was still hungry; that was bad.
Roast pig was the best option that he had.
When he lunged at those two,
Through the air he flew.
Pig three waved his wand three pigs were glad.
Pig-three had been watching them there.
Unlikely friends at an ice cream affair
The skinniest of the pigs,
Started dancing pig jigs.
Because he ended that wolf with great flare.
A “Ribbitt” instead of a growl,
That wolf will never more howl.
Three magical pigs…
Spend their nights doing jigs.
No longer fearing the wolf’s angry growl.
Inspired by the store of the Three Little Pigs:
Written for Johyn Heck's "Happily Ever After" contest
I shall daily visit the beauty parlor
And make myself beautiful for you.
I shall never clean the house
So that my skin is not tarred.
I shall ever watch my figure,
Eating calorie less foods and drinks.
I shall stay home all day
And will never be stay at home mom
But will go for Disco at night.
I shall not take drugs
But a drink or two in limits.
I shall awake late in the morning
So that you are not disturbed.
I shall adorn the house to earn
Adjectives from the neighbours.
I shall buy the furniture to invent
Nouns to be told to the visitors.
Our house will be all pronouns
But will never admit verbs as
They shake the very foundation.
=========================
Honorable Mention
Contest: Fill in the Blanks
Obama the president he's The bomb,
not the cool type or is he in w/ Sadaam?
kept him homed as a guest yet we know,
Burrock or under the rock should we say for Sadaam is not far 4m home?
or was it a hill we found supposed alone,
Burrock Obama Hussain we are,
I mean insane or Hussaine its all the same,
selected a president when Bush has on the D L Saddaam is White House resident,
Or is he dead?I still question that cause that was not his head,
who's serving the white house bread?
I need to win the Powerball
For my house is getting small
It's not exactly what I prefer
It's just the size of my elephant herd
Ceramic, glass, plaster and wood
Plush, wax, cloth and plastic
The number of my herd is fantastic
My pachyderm collecting is understood
At first it wasn't about me
I enjoyed the symbol of the GOP
But slowly, but surely there became a need
So gathering elephants became a happy deed
Family and friends send them to me
And I delight in their generous deed
Birthdays, Holidays any occasion
I accept pachyderms of all persuasions
Pictures, carvings, pillows and dolls
Statues, figures, candles and canes
Brooches, clocks, elephants of anything
Can't stop at one so I get them all
My elephants are happy, some are sad
But I never met an elephant that was bad
Trunks up for good luck make me glad
Small elephants, large elephants more to add
My house was once room enough for me
But my pachyderm's population now exceeds
To say my space has been disturbed
No, I just need a larger house for my elephant herd
Fireman, Fireman Help Me Quick
By Elton Camp
An old lady called the fire department to say
“Please hurry over to my house right away.”
To save her, the dispatcher then does strive
“M’am, get out of your house till we arrive.”
He imagined the flames licking at her heels
So for speed the dispatcher firmly appeals
“I know, for you, this may be extremely hard,
But leave everything and go out into the yard.”
“There’s no reason I should do a thing like that.
I’d take care of it myself except I’m old and fat.”
Despite how hard to reason with her he did strive,
She insisted she’d sit on the couch till they arrive
“Hurry, fellows, and get the fire truck on the move.
Even seconds of delay may a disaster come to prove.
A poor, senile old woman is in a most terrible plight
But if you hurry, perhaps you can still make it right.”
The fire truck raced down the road to save the day
Speeding and running traffic lights, come what may
An ambulance was roaring along, very close behind
Paramedics apprehensive at what they would find
When in her driveway the vehicles skidded to a halt
Coming out the front door was the woman they sought
“Well, you boys surely took long enough to get here.
By now, my cat up in the tree is shaking with fear.”
Real Estate Jargon Explained
By Elton Camp
When a house is for sale there’s good reason why
Trouble can come to anyone who advertises a lie
If the sellers certain expressions carefully choose
It will become easy the careless buyer to confuse
“This house is simply loaded with charm.”
Means we hope old and ugly won’t alarm
If you see it’s a “Pet friendly neighborhood,”
Dog manure in your yard should be understood
The praising note, “Easy access to the freeway”
Means thousands will pass your house each day
Beware the notation of “Low maintenance lot.”
Since neither front nor back yards have you got
“Historic house maintained in its original state”
It is a run-down old relic that you soon will hate
“It’s a doll house that you are going to adore.”
The house’s tiny rooms you’ll come to deplore
“The dwelling is located on a fine corner lot”
Then traffic both front and sides you have got
If the place is described as “Ready to move in,”
Then painted with the cheapest grade it has been
“A desirable neighborhood” means that its location
Has made it overpriced due to a snobbish reputation
If of “In-city living” the seller proudly does tell
Not safe to walk after dark it should say as well
If it is a “Handy-man special,” then better look out
The old place is ready to collapse without any doubt
If the advertisement should say, “Lots storage space,”
The basement is nothing but a dark, moldy disgrace
If the selling point is of “Seasonal water view,”
It means water was visible before the trees grew
If the seller says that “All your lot is usable land,”
You can know that not a single tree still does stand
If “Close to shopping” the advertisement does call
It means your backyard is adjacent to the big mall
When the imperative is that you must “See inside,”
It has a horrid exterior that is impossible to hide
If it is happily described as “Cozy, it should be read
That no room is big enough to contain a full-size bed
This is how “Make an offer” you actually should take:
It’s been long on the market so don’t make a mistake
The inviting phrase is “Watch wildlife from your patio”
You can expect to get ticks and fleas if outside you go
So if your house purchase in a year you will praise,
Watch carefully for the real meaning of each phrase
When I was growing up, my Dad
had some quaint old fashioned notions
of what a good girl should or shouldn’t do.
I didn’t want to make him sad
I tried so hard to please him.
But dear old Daddy didn’t have a clue.
Sometime I slipped a little and
I’d hear my daddy say.
“My sisters Cass and Annie
would never act that way.
They never would have cut their hair.
To wear those shorts they wouldn’t dare.
If our pa caught them, they would rue the day.
They might not listen to their ma,
but they could not bamboozle Pa.
So change your clothes or in the house you’ll stay.”
I tried to be so very good and make my Daddy proud.
I always did just as I should and nothing not allowed.
I wondered what my aunts had done to have a little fun.
He told me what they hadn’t but never what they’d done.
And then when I was older, my brother took a wife.
He raised a little daughter, the treasure of his life.
The other day she told me how her dad would always say
“My sisters Joyce and Gladys
would never act that way.”
She said she’d hated us a lot
and wondered how much fun we got
from always being so darned good
and always acting like we should.
I laughed so hard at what she had to say.
“You might not listen to your ma,
But you cannot bamboozle Pa,
So change your clothes or in the house you’ll stay.”
She’d tried hard to be so good, to make her daddy proud
but he just never understood, some things were now allowed.
It was all right to cut your hair,
Lipstick and shorts were fine to wear,
and that she had such perfect aunts just wasn’t fair.
I told her she would have her turn
when her own niece would have to learn
the first time that she heard her Daddy say,
“My sister Bonnie didn’t act that way.”
For Leighann Anderson's contest "Free For All"
There's always a house
Some weird vacant residence
Kids stay away from
Especially on certain nights
Those nights when the Moon is bright
Climbing those porch steps
Would take more than just courage
No child would risk it
It's the Taylor House Story
A tale both true and GORY!
The house I describe
Has three stories a long porch
And boarded windows
Except for one by the top gable
'Death's Door' so goes the fable
No boards on this one
No glass either just splinters
Three jagged sabres
It's said a boy in his teens
Stuck in his head - GUILLOTINED!
Now! On moonlit nights
Some still hear those awful thumps
The window comes down
THUMP! His head hits the roof THUMP!
Rolls on down hits the ground THUMP!
Well? To climb those steps?
It would be insanity
No child would risk it
A vision so full of dread
That thumping bouncing DEAD HEAD!
A Redneck Wins the Lottery
By Elton Camp
A house trailer is the only place Rufus did live
For a house he never had down payment to give
One day, all that poverty disappeared in a flash
He won the state lottery and was rolling in cash
For the first time, he could have things his way
Since for anything we wanted he was able to pay
So Rufus rushed out and bought a suit of clothes
“Throw away these rags. I’ve no need of those.”
He went to a snooty restaurant for a fine meal
“Much better than McDonald’s it does feel.”
Rufus bought a mansion in an upscale place
For to live poor he now thought was a disgrace
And it made rich Rufus feel especially keen
When he bought a Cadillac stretch limousine
So a reminder of his former life wouldn’t lack,
He had a fifth-wheel trailer mounted to the back
Crooner one on one aloft the cupola
Accolade acappella acappella
Mr. chicken echoes a road island rue
Hound dog cryin all the time
should a caught a possum
Then I wouldn’t be blue
A barney king dressed to the tooth
singing jail house rock monomania
A mano a mano swinging by his a marsupial grin
Jail house bird echoes a road island rue
Hound dog cryin all the time
Should a caught a possum
Then I wouldn’t be blue
\
For Dane Ann Smith-Johnsen poem contest theme on chickens Armano Aurocano Rock Star
I went to a friend's house just the other day. And
man, I tell you that place I would not rather stay.
The roaches are bad; they take over the place. Let me
tell you the story...it all happened this way.
When it was time to eat, I looked around and what the
hell! This place seemed to be loaded with a bunch of
roach motels.
So we ate our food, for more my friend begged. But
something troubled me, I felt something crawling up
my leg.
It was a cockroach! I jumped up and misbehaved. So
what else was there to do, but reach for a can of raid.
I tried to spray the thing, running after it like a
soldier. It ran into a hole, but peaked out saying,
"This isn't over!"
I went back to the table...that episode gave me the
creeps. But heck I was hungry, so I returned to my
place to eat.
What I saw next put me in a sour mood. A roach was
giving thanks and proceeded to eat my food!
Well so much for dinner, I'll call it a night and brush
my teeth. I flicked on the light and there he was, "So
again we meet!"
"I told you this isn't over," then he flew towards my
face. I ducked and I took off running in a panic haste.
This roach seemed determined as he flew towards me. "If
I don't get you now," he said "then I'll get you while
your asleep."
"Every step step you make. Every move you make,you'll
think of only me. I'll pop up when you least expect it,
count on that, hehehe."
I confronted my friend and told him, "This house the
roaches rule..." I went to say more, but he interrupted,
"Silence you fool!"
"Our roaches aren't that bad..." but suddenly he let out
a scream. A roach crawled in his shorts, now he's coming
apart at the seams.
I was laughing so hard at him that I was turning blue.
Suddenly I stopped laughing, because by my ear something
flew.
It was that flying cockroach, so like a running-back I
ran. This was too much for me to take, more than I could
stand.
I ran out the house and said enough is enough. If my friend
don't want to be friends no more, then oh well, tough!"
This story was a fiction, but this truth may hurt. You see a
roach, there are more, so make a diligent search.
Don't be a victim. Please be safe and whatever you do...don't
let a bunch of no good roaches get the best of you!
My wife was in the hospital with a condition rather severe,
Her mother came to care for our son so I could visit her there.
After several days and a few long nights I suddenly needed a break
And headed home late one night for a dip in the hot tub to take.
We live in the Pacific Northwest so you know it was rainy and wet,
But with the hot tub being outside it hasn’t stopped me yet.
I didn’t want the towel to get soaked so I hung it over the chair,
And tiptoed across the deck completely and utterly bare.
Now, our back door locks with a bolt or by the handle on the door;
My wife and I only use the bolt and never used the handle before.
I forgot there was a stranger in the house who didn’t know our usual ways,
So I guess telling you I was locked outside is something I don't need to say.
The guest room is in front and she didn’t hear me from the back;
Around the house I had to trek so on her window I could tap.
Our backyard is very private so skinny dipping is our usual norm
The front of the house, not so much, a bathrobe I wished I had worn.
My mother-in-law got quite the sight when she opened the door
I don’t think we have to worry about her visiting us any more
My wife is now fine and back at home recovering oh so well
And about three thousand times a day this story she likes to tell.
True story that just happened about 2 months ago.